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Recovering from Wife's Cyber Affair

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jlg05 posted 11/25/2018 23:03 PM

Sorry if I missed it, but does HE have a wife? If so, contact her and let her know what was going on.

You may want to have your wife take a polygraph to a)show her how damaging what she did was to your faith in her, and b)she MAY give you additional information before the poly date.

So sorry you are dealing with this.

Unbroken78 posted 11/26/2018 00:43 AM seem like you are in a GIANT rush to R with someone who exposed your kids to a pedo.


In the nicest way...are you sure that's a great idea?

I'm not saying D is the usually the best option...but maybe pump the pedal on the left a few times and stop planning your future with your WW...

As in...give it 90 days...then give it 90 more...they divorce her with an offer to date again if she behaves...and even then...maybe not.

You seem like a good man, but sometimes good men are problem solvers looking to get across a finish line...even when their partner isn't running the same race.

Good luck, either way. That would be a deal breaker for me as kids outweigh the M.

Unbroken78 posted 11/26/2018 00:52 AM

On a side note...a big part of whether you could R or not is what the Fet was.

There are some that aren't compatible with being in a marriage.

Flat out...what that Fet site was, would be a big part of whether she can stay M.

You can't change what somebody is into. You can't unlearn to like big boobs as a guy who likes big boobs. She isn't going to stop liking whatever Fet she was into.

Flat out...that's the real her. If you cant' accept her perversion, then your M can't work.

If that's a deal breaker for you...eject.

Happenedtome2 posted 11/27/2018 08:53 AM

I am not rushing for R. I actually suggested D last week because she honestly thinks we have moved past what happened. I actually had to talk to her and make sure she understands that our marriage as we knew it is over and whatever comes out of it is what we have to live with. I did a soft 180 this weekend because I am not mentally prepared to move on.

Her fet is light to moderate which I am fine with and would have been comfortable with had I known about it. I had a very long talk with her about this both from the standpoint of asking why she never told me about it and from the absolute FACT that many fetish boards are littered with pedo's and men trying to hook up. She was not even actually involved in a fetish site per se, but was viewing memes on instagram and that is how this clown found her.

From the information I was able to gather, he does not appear to have a wife or partner of any kind. If I had to make a guess judging from his emails he sounds like a leetch preying on lonely moms . She has suggested IC or seeing a psychiatrist regarding her fetish thinking that it would be something that she could change and I had to stop her right there and tell her that this never goes away and is not something that can be shut off. Doing that would only make it worse as well as make her resent me.

I am giving myself until after the holidays to evaluate what direction I want to go in. I would love to R, make no mistake about it, but I am not able to put my trust in her at this time and I don't look at her the same way that I used to. I look at her now and I just see that we are broken.

I did get the opportunity to look at finances and there does not appear to be any impropriety in the form of sending him money or any kind of hotel charges or bank transfers. As far as her phone goes, since whatsapp seems to be the way she is communicating with people rather than text I am going to install it on my PC and use her QR reader to sign in and get anything she sends or receives sent to my desktop.

Robert22205https posted 11/27/2018 11:42 AM

WhatsApp is known as a favorite by cheaters. Why is she using it?

Frankly all her messaging should be transparent.

With respect to a postnup, include a fidelity clause that covers sexting. Ensure she is penalized financially if she cheats again.

beenthereinco posted 11/27/2018 14:10 PM

Yea there is no need for her to even keep a WhatsApp account is there?

Dismayed2012 posted 11/27/2018 14:52 PM

Shut down all contact? - YES!
Post nuptial agreement? - YES!
Considering your options? - YES!
Keeping your head? - YES!
Taking advice from divorce attorney? - YES!

She's Remorseful? Maybe? Read in the Healing Library about what true remorse looks like.

There are some real creeps in the fetish area. It's hard to fathom that she didn't even consider that her kids could be victims.

I hope the best for you and I hope that she gets her head on straight if for no other reason than to not endanger her kids.

Happenedtome2 posted 11/27/2018 17:53 PM

As far as Whatsapp.... for whatever reason her 1 friend uses it and doesn't text. That being said, I had to let loose today and demanded a written timeline of when this started and including the final messages between her and OM and told her all of this is non-negotiable or I walk.

She asked why I was asking if she had messaged this guy via whatsapp and I explained about the location service aspect of the app and that this guy would be able to know exactly where we live. It was off but she said there's no way he knows because he doesn't know her last name....well I blew that out of the water by sending her a screenshot of all the info I pulled up with just her cell phone number. I am literally sickened at the moment even though I knew how easy it is to get information with just an email or just a cell phone number..... I think she is panicking now because not only am I taking a hard line on this but now this guy can literally find her and the kids without any effort at all.

Robert22205https posted 11/27/2018 17:58 PM

Lot's of stone walling.

Who's this 'friend' that uses Whatsapp (a favorite of cheaters)?

Call and ask why?
Are they married?

Maybe this is not a good friend of your marriage.

Unbroken78 posted 11/27/2018 18:19 PM

It sounds like she is in denial and rug sweep mode...

Likely she just won't get it. Denial is a strong drug.

Good luck. It's a hard deal...but much like a failed employee, there is nothing wrong with saying "You are fired" and then making them apply for their job again.

You are your own man...but that's got to be a hard one to would be difficult to trust her as a mom after that. A mother's first duty is to her own kids and failure at that is the end for most people.

Fight the urge to rug sweep this. It will be tempting.

toby posted 11/27/2018 18:39 PM

Good that your demanding a timeline. Also, tell her if there are others that she communicate with, she better include them in the timeline also.

[This message edited by toby at 6:40 PM, November 27th (Tuesday)]

Happenedtome2 posted 11/27/2018 20:33 PM

The friend that she uses it with is a legit friend for about 5 years or so. Not exactly sure right now why she uses it but will find out what line of crap that brings.

Also starting to doubt this dingus gave her his real name or he possibly lives in his parents' basement because his cell and email came up as different names than what he gave her. The plot thickens. I doubt I'll get any more info tonight but we'll see what tomorrow brings. Thanks for tuning in and offering opinions.

It was kinda tougb for me to lay down the law on the information but from everything and everyone here it is really the only card I have to play to get peace of mind before I have to lawyer up....

Western posted 11/27/2018 21:15 PM

this is a hard situation.

Yes, of course she exposed her and your kids. But why did she damage your marriage and you ?

I am glad you are keeping your options open until after the holidays. She has some boulders to life. Let her find them.

Plus she lied to you after the fact.

Keep us informed

Happenedtome2 posted 11/28/2018 14:49 PM

So after letting loose about what I wanted, WW went into full on panic mode because she literally had deleted every trace of this guy. Her estimate of when it started was WAY the hell off (by a little over a month) and I knew this only because I have her emails. I suggested that I could send them to her to jog her memory if need be. She got really upset because she wanted to give me information that I was looking for but had not saved any of it.

She had actually listened to me and sent him a message that was no more than "do not contact me any more". Period. That was all it said. No wishy washy goodbye so at least there is that.

I almost felt bad for a minute because she was clearly trying to give me what I want as far as information. Today I have all but ignored her and she has noticed. I am just not handling any of this very well and am trying not to give in. I want R, but as the days go by and I literally read every single behavior she is exhibiting on this site from all of your posts (some of it WORD FOR WORD) I know I've got to stay the course until I get the result I need.

beenthereinco posted 11/28/2018 15:11 PM

One thing I would like to add for you to think about is to remember that even though you are angry and even though you have trust issues you do want to reconcile and you do love her. You have said so here. Don't get so wrapped up in the process that you don't recognize when she does something that you want and need her to do. It is okay in the midst of this to let her know you appreciate an effort she makes. It doesn't change that you are angry but it might make this all easier for both of you. There is a balance there and it is subtle between just being a pushover and being a hardass but if she does something that makes you feel better, if you see a real effort then by all means tell her you appreciate it.

Happenedtome2 posted 11/28/2018 15:57 PM

It is going to be a very fine line. She is absolutely trying to get me to rugsweep all of it. She seems devastated with what she did, especially since I was able to get so much info with so little and now the OM has more info than even I had. I'm sure she's struggling with it.

There is no question that I want R and that I love her. She is a good person outside of this and she is, other than not researching this guy, a great mother to our children. I don't think she had any clue what she was getting involved with. She just found someone who was saying the things she wanted to hear and fell for it.

I want to see her effort to R and little by little let her back in. The other part of me is not trusting her and saying why the hell would I give this another chance to ruin me.

fareast posted 11/28/2018 16:22 PM

Be vigilant. Her actions will tell you over time. There is no need for a decision right now. Whether you decide to R or D you will receive support. You know your WW better than any of us internet strangers. Set your boundaries and what you require. My guess is she is horrified by the consequences of what she has done. For me the most important thing would be for her to work on herself. Of course she wants the whole thing to go away but she needs to figure out her “why’s” for doing this. Why did she think it was appropriate to hide a fet from her H? If she was “unhappy” in the M, why did she think it was appropriate to find solace with another man rather than talking to you about it? Why did she want to hide her unhappiness from you rather than share it with you? She needs to get into IC to address these issues if she wants to start to convince you she can be a safe partner for you. Right now she is scared. But time and IC will help you. Good luck.

Robert22205https posted 11/28/2018 17:17 PM

Fetish participants need others to play with plus they also tend to reach out to others with similar (although not exact) interests.

It's wise to attempt to ID the OM because he could be part of a wider network. The OM may not be her first.

With respect to the 'friend' that only uses Whatsapp, are you certain that the friend doesn't share or somehow encourage her fetish?

beenthereinco posted 11/28/2018 17:43 PM

I would just tell her that Whatsapp has to go. Her friend will have to understand and text message like the rest of the world or call her when she wants to say something. This really should not be an issue. Hell I'd consider telling my wife she has to get one of those old people flip phones that you see on TV, the ones that can't support apps at all.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 11/28/2018 18:19 PM

I agree with Beenthereinco... If she is truly saying she is off social media and what not, a flip phone with no access to internet or apps shouldn't bother her. She can still call and text you or the kids anytime she needs to, and every single one of those will show up in your phone records.

iPhones are the death of transparency, iMessage doesn't show up anywhere unless you have access to that person's iTunes account. Same with Whatsapp and other similar services. '

Also snapchat is a way to have conversations and have them disappear. Obviously this wasn't specific to infidelity, but something we figured out our teenager was doing, was downloading apps she knew she wasn't supposed to use, and then she would just delete them and redownload them when she wanted to use them again. Our service provider couldn't tell us exactly which apps she had, just that she was using data on some form of app, so we could never verify unless we actually caught her in the act. I'm sure this is something your wife could also do - for example, start a new instagram account, use it to look at these fetish sites etc., then just delete the app after she was done using it. She could redownload it at any time and the username would still exist, but the app wouldn't show up on her phone so you would be none the wiser.

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