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Frustration Re Success Stories

kairos posted 11/20/2018 15:28 PM

Ok WSs, feel free to call me out. Hereís my current frustration and you can agree/disagree, call me misguided, lacking perspective, or whatever, but itís a single perspective and one that Iím feeling. I frequently read posts/situations where the WS has had an affair(s) and is unwilling to do the hard work, attempt reconciliation, and/or not contact the OW from the start. Meanwhile the BS is doing everything in his/her power to maintain the marriage, begging for MC/IC, you name it. I read this frequently on SI. It's frustrating because I wish I was in that situation. My wife recently made it beyond clear that we are done, and yet I feel like I have worked really hard. And itís clear this was her decision since Dday. It was only 3 months in when she made the decision (acknowledging of course that I caused this entire thing), but I wouldíve lived with a 1% chance for years, if thatís what it wouldíve taken.

I know I've caused my wife to want to decide to leave me. I know this, so in some ways my written frustration is just a vent. Letís face it. I really donít have a right to be frustrated. But objectively speaking, now that itís over, let me speculate, however, on a few potential contributing factors:

1) I think my BS is experiencing shame from her family, community friends, etc. She has told a lot of people, and those people talk to each other, the gossip runs wild. I canít imagine there isnít a great deal of shame. And while many of her friends say they supported us, I know what they were really saying was that they supported her and that she should drop her dirtbag husband. Now, they ARE protecting her. But what they donít know is how these things can be turned around. I think my BS has created a network of shame that is so unavoidable, she canít ever back away from the decision she has made. It would demonstrate that she is not in control of her life.
2) I think she is getting bad advice from friends/family, or no advice at all. I don't know from whom, but I don't think anyone is helping her see that there is a way if you just give it a chance. And there's one reason for that: they have never been through this before. In situations like this, they have all divorced. And yet the research and case studies show that couples who work through it and recover end up happier than they were before. I actually wonder if even one person in her family has said, ďAre you sure you donít want to try recovery? Itís possible.Ē I doubt it. Now Iím not going to pull the Jesus card and ask them to swallow their own medicine, butÖ.
3) The kidsÖ.plain and simple. If a WS is willing to give it all, and if thereís even just a little hope left, or just the ability to stave divorce until emotions run their course, why not give it a try beyond a mere 3 months? Wouldnít you try for 12 months? Iím not saying live in a toxic environment together. Stay separated, live apart, but go to MC, heal, find a way dammit! Isnít it worth it after 20+ years of being together?
4) The factsÖ. My BS tends to interpret matters the way she wants to. The other night I sent her a nice pic of the fireplace at a brew pub when we were texting each other. She asked if I was on a date? This was AFTER she said she wants a divorce. SoÖshe wants a divorce (officially) AND wants to know if Iím on a date. I suspect she is doing the same with every piece of data out there. It couldnít be farther from the truth. But I have no ability to have these conversations with her because we are divorcing and there are 'boundaries'. And yet I think she wants to know all.
5) But the reality is: I destroyed her life so badly, she just cant' do it anymore. This one trumps them all. The fact of the matter is, when someone does what I did, I deserve it. I fucked things up so badly, there was no chance from the first day of Dday. All of the fucking advice I was given...a joke. Yea, i'm frustrated.

Thatís all for my venting. I donít know, but if I were a WS who was being given a real chance, my recommendation is to take it.

[This message edited by Pdxguy at 5:00 PM, November 20th (Tuesday)]

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 11/20/2018 17:13 PM

You have two very small paragraphs that say you are responsible for your wifeís decision, yet you have a wall of text that blames other people.

Which is it? Your fault? Or theirs? You cannot take ownership while blaming other people for what is happening in your life.

My wife recently made it beyond clear that we are done, and yet I feel like I have worked really hard.

Maybe I am interpreting this wrong, but I feel like you have some entitlement here. You are saying that because you have worked hard, you deserve a chance at R. In reality, you gave up any right to your marriage the moment you stepped out of it. Itís a hard pill to swallow.

Donít let her decision stop you from doing the hard work. You should continue to be the man you want to be. Youíre in a tough place right now. You are having to feel the consequences of your actions. You have to let go of the outcome and keep working on you.

kairos posted 11/20/2018 17:17 PM

WalkinOnEggShellz, you're right. I'm having a hard time accepting it. This was just a vent. But it's true. I chose this. I made this happen. It was me. And now I'm FEELING the real consequences and they are terrifying. Stick to the path, heal, recover, be any kind of support i'm allowed to be, move on. I get it. Tough pill though....


EvolvingSoul posted 11/20/2018 18:18 PM

Hi again Pdxguy,

Stages of grief:



Bargaining. <-- You are here.



For some people the infidelity is just a deal breaker. Stop pressuring her. Stop making her tell you no over and over. You are putting the burden on her again and again. You think it's easy for her to say no? You think that isn't causing her pain on top of what you've already caused?

I know you're suffering. I know you wish things could be different. That is the definition of suffering...wanting things to be different than they are. The fact that this situation stems from your own choices does not make your suffering invalid.

You have made a lot of statements about how far you would go to fix things for her. Don't do it for her. Go far to fix things for you. If you do, it will drastically improve your life and the lives of everyone you come into contact with.

Focus on fixing you.

A couple of questions for you:

1) What tools are you developing for dealing with difficult feelings in a wholesome way?

2) Does your BS know you post here and do you think she is reading these posts?

FoenixRising posted 11/20/2018 19:25 PM

I donít know your specific back story but I interpret this post as you having a pity party for yourself. Iím not saying that to seem harsh but Youíre focusing on what your needs/wants are so much that youíre not listening to what she is telling you her/ needs wants are.

Sheís telling you what is good for her and you have certainly lost that right to question that bc itís not what you want, it must be coming from someone elseís influence.

You cheated. In the eyes of everyone that cares for her (aside from kids) you ARE a monster, undeserving of her heart and frankly, if she doesnít want to give her heart back, she shouldnít. Her friends are not persuading her. You just arenít ready to accept her decision. Which is why you still text her pictures of fire places. Youíre trying to connect. She, of course, still has all types of feels for you and is hurting badly, which is why she asks if youíre on a date. Maybe itís a test. Who knows but I think Iím time, The friendly texts will soon stop. She may be weaning off you.
Basically, I think you just have to go through this part to get to the acceptance. I would assume she wants a divorce bc thatís what sheís telling, acting and showing... not bc of what you think her friends maybe saying to her in confidence. Iím sure sheís capable of making a decision like this on her own bc she is doing what she feels is healthiest for her.

Zugzwang posted 11/21/2018 09:16 AM

Your whole post is very entitled. It doesn't matter if you do everything right. She doesn't owe you shit. It doesn't matter if other people influence her. She doesn't owe your shit. It doesn't matter if divorce will affect the kids. That isn't on her, that is on you. You already did that the moment you cheated. You chose to divorce her when you cheated. You gambled on her unconditional love and chose to take her for granted and to take advantage of her. You knew the consequences and you lost. Not only did you lose, but you affected everyone else around you. She owes you nothing.

If you really believed No. 5- 1-4 would never have crossed your mind. Instead you are having a pity party for yourself and crying foul.

This whole post is from regret. No remorse. Remorse is knowing you deserve it all and you couldn't expect even a 1% chance because that is how disgusting cheating is. That is how disgusted you feel about yourself and you couldn't expect anyone else to feel differently.

You do deserve to move on with your life. So, get healthy for yourself. Choose to become a better role model for your children. You are entitled to that. You just don't deserve or entitled to her. You chose to throw that away. don't blame her or anyone else but yourself if she isn't coming back.

kairos posted 11/21/2018 10:50 AM


If this is bargaining, I really don't want to see what the depression stage looks like. My tools so far have been IC and a sexual purity group I've been attending. Unfortunately, for the latter, all of the guys in the same situation as me are still with their wives. One man even had multiple affairs over a 20-year time period. I mean pretty bad stuff. You all are right though. I don't need or deserve or have the right to expect anything from her. The IC has been incredibly helpful, and my therapist has been urging me to move on for myself and really focus on myself. This scares me, because I know it means I'll never be with my wife again. This could be a long solo journey. The best tool I have, however, is journaling and even writing on this site helps. Zugwang and FoenixRising, thank you for your frankness. I'm not hiding from the notion that this is a pity party. I wanted to have the pity party. I almost need to have it, to sort of get it out of the way. Am I pissed that the other guys in my group were having sex with half the neighborhood and their wives had the grace to forgive and form as a team to heal? Absolutely! It feels unfair. But....I took that risk, for the reasons that be. It's on me. That's why I appreciate this reminder, but I already knew that. Thanks for not letting me off the hook. I need to face my action head-on. So, the tools are there and they are working.

I believe my wife was on this site before. I don't know anymore. Thank guys, for listening but not letting this shit slide.

Zugzwang posted 11/21/2018 11:03 AM

Am I pissed that the other guys in my group were having sex with half the neighborhood and their wives had the grace to forgive and form as a team to heal? Absolutely! It feels unfair.

You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. Do you get to talk to their wives? Do you know if the relationship they are forming is healthy? If the BS is healthy enough to leave? I wouldn't judge your healing journey with theirs. They may not be changing. They may not have wives independent enough to leave. There might be an unhealthy codependent relationship going on that might destruct down the road. You have no clue. Just stick to your own journey and the path it takes as long as you are moving forward with trust and respect.

kairos posted 11/21/2018 11:08 AM

Zugwang, you're right. I don't know what their wives are experiencing. They might be codependent, or they might just be capable of overcoming fierce circumstances. Many of them attend a parallel group that supports wives in this type of thing, and they have amazing results. I may need to leave the group because it's a constant reminder of what I will never have. Their stories just get under my skin. The discussions these guys have with their wives, the challenges but overcoming... I digress. I must move on.

FoenixRising posted 11/21/2018 18:00 PM

You donít need to leave that group. Maybe you need it as reminder to continue to move forward bc of all that you lost. Look at the group as all part of youíre own healing. Itís good for you to have a group to relate to as people who have committed adultery similar as you. And itís a valid point you have no idea what is really happening with their spouses or behind closed doors. Furthermore, you never know who might walk in that door to join that may have a D on the way too. Think of what you could contribute to that person bc of your path. I say stay in the group. Maybe find another one that is based on a positive, healthy hobby that you enjoy. Art, photography, wine/beer making, running, sport, church... whatever. Just something that will help you to not ruminate and maybe bring a little extra happiness.

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