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When will she see the light?

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Marz posted 11/23/2018 14:51 PM

OM is getting consequences now. So what. It's not your problem. Stay dark.

How old are your kids? Tell them in a sanitized way of what's going on. Keeping them in the dark or lying to them will just increase their anxiety.

Dispirited posted 11/23/2018 19:12 PM

Jduff: Right now it is time to put words into action, capeaffair. How your WW reacts to the D filing and to process of dismantling the marriage will tell you everything you need to know as to whether you made the right decision or not. At this point, it is no longer your M to fight for. It is hers.

Inasmcuch as one is so thrust into this situation with no forewarning or understanding of how people "suddenly" change, JDuff is correct. Actions - particularly any semblance of remorse is a primary reason to engage with reconciliation. If absent, then one might as well talk to a wall. And talking to a wall might expend your frustration, but you're not talking to the person who caused this harm.

And "if' that person does not recant... does not accept responsibility and does not attempt to make amends, then you or anyone is better off. There are people out there (and here) who never cross that line of temptation. So those who do cross that line either accept the mistake OR understand that you are tainted....unless of course you go on and on with your selfish scenarios.

I have read numerous stories here that depict those spurned who have experienced not only hurt, but chose a higher road- one much higher than those who chose a fling. A road where people refuse to cheat, no matter what the circumstance. I am no saint-I have been tempted- yet I put myself in the shoes of the person who might be cheated upon. And every time I said no.

Many have said this..."if" you are unhappy", then tell your partner/spouse. But.........when you use an excuse to engage in extramarital or relationship "exta" stuff, then have the balls to think about your SO. Think about "how you would feel if the situation was reversed.

And I assure you, most people would feel differently if they were cheated on....even those who hypocritically thought nothing of their cheating. Either you have a conscience or you tend to exhibi sociopathic tendencies.

capeaffair posted 11/28/2018 09:29 AM

Thank Marz for mentioning the children 5 and 8 and they are in the dark and the only thing they know is that I want her out of the house. I have been checking out posts on letting the children know, which advice I'll be using.
When I first found out about the A, my WW said that I was being verbally abusive and yelling and drinking a lot at the time. I still am doing the drinking although much less now, but the verbal abuse and yelling at her has stopped since I did the 180 which was about the same time. She said that this abuse started after our first child was born. I remember me getting mad at her while pregnant for not taking the supplements the Dr. had advised her to take. I feel that our relationship was all fun until the responsibilities started and she is one to ignore responsibility and run while I stay and get it done. I can see my behavior as I was yelling at her asking for help in taking care of responsibilities. I'm a SAHD so on a day she had off from work all I wanted to do was catch up on laundry, cleaning around the house etc. She wanted to go as a family i.e. to the children's museum 1 hr away and have a fun day. We ended up going on a particular day and on the way back got into an argument where I expresses my frustration by hitting the steering wheel and putting a dent into it at a stop sign. I did this while yelling,"stop pushing me!" She just told me I was crazy and I calmed down and we went home. I feel she will use this against me in D. I never was physically abusive, but as our differences began to show, I became more short with her and down putting. She uses this as justification for the A. I know that I am not responsible for her choices, but definitely regret this behavior and have apologized to her for it. I suppose I was trying to please her, but I ended up mad at her for pushing me into trying to do so when I could have been getting the dishes done or something that mattered to me which was family focused and necessary, rather than her, "had a long week at work so let's do something fun" perspective. Not sure what to expect from her as she will be getting served soon. It seems that the affair is winding down as OBS issued NC orders to OM and they are still conversing, but now that the A is under the microscope of everyone in his world of his 24 year relationship it will be doubtful if they continue. I'm just staying dark for now...

twisted posted 11/28/2018 09:52 AM

OM keeps calling me today telling me to leave his wife alone.

Ain't that a bitch! Ha! Seems like a little fantasy is falling apart, and there's hell to pay on his end.
Protect the kids and good luck to you.

Buster123 posted 11/28/2018 11:35 AM

It seems that the affair is winding down as OBS issued NC orders to OM and they are still conversing, but now that the A is under the microscope of everyone in his world of his 24 year relationship it will be doubtful if they continue.

Stay in touch with OBS and let her know OM is breaking NC, she has a right to know if she's going through a false R or not, seems like she is.

ICaughtThem posted 11/28/2018 11:54 AM

You need to buy a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder) and carry it on you to record all interactions with her. This will help protect you from false DV accusations.

As far as her claims about you vocally abusing her, since that happened years ago it would be almost impossible to prove in court. But, that's why you need a VAR now. You have no idea who is coaching her on what to do.

capeaffair posted 11/29/2018 08:15 AM

I did get a VAR and that is how I know that OM is breaking NC. I need to figure a way to tell OBS about it without giving away my VAR secret of placing it in the car daily. I've advised her on a few things like to come to SI and get therapy, but I feel she will share everything with OM and is still hoping for R. WW will get a letter from my attorney in a few days, and I'm sure the first thing she will do is call OM for advise etc. Not sure what to expect...

twisted posted 11/29/2018 08:57 AM

Sharing that information with the OBS is a difficult decision if you think she may compromise your source.

I became more short with her and down putting. She uses this as justification for the A.

That is another reason for the 180 approach. Detach.
My only possible suggestion is that if you have a recording of the AP bashing the OBS, it may shock her into reality about what's really going on, but her circumstances may prevent her from facing reality. And at some point, there relationship (AP & OBS) is no longer your concern. And of course the recording may be illegal in your state ( most likely) so you don't want to really have that potential liability, although I doubt it would ever come to that.
Perhaps contacting the OBS one more time and telling her you have concrete proof they are still in contact, but you can't disclose your source, would be better.
Good luck.

Cooley2here posted 11/29/2018 08:59 AM

I think you have had the right suggestions about your marriage. I feel that there is another issue here and you need to act on it. Your children are in school part time at least. You need to get out of the house and get a job. Even if you are self employed part of the time you need socialization. It doesnít matter if you only work half a day. You need that. We all do. Human beings live in tribes and when we are not around others we began to become somewhat antisocial. Your wife is no longer in your marriage. You are now basically a single man. I donít suggest you date but I do suggest you become more socially active. You need an outlet for some of your anger and your need for it to be in a healthy way. That means getting out of the house. Take up running, work out a gym, ride a bike.
You can alert the other wife when itís time but right now you need to take care of yourself. You are those childrenís primary parent and they need to see a happy father. The only way you are going to be that is if you take care of yourself. No alcohol. None. Absolutely none.
I do not have time to re-read all your posts so I hope I have not just reiterated what someone else has written.

capeaffair posted 11/30/2018 07:03 AM

Thanks Cooley,

The drinking is now under control. Now I do not drink at night at all sometime! Haven't done that in almost 20 years. I forgot how nice it is not to wake up groggy. I permit myself to drink now on occasion rather than daily, but I'm definitely cutting it out while this all settles. To fill my time I read now. I started catching up on my music playing and golf. I had really put off dealing with this for so long because I was so busy day to day. Now that I got over the few hurdles that I should have made last year I can finally begin to see that light. (That's funny I was hoping she would) Too bad I didn't know what I knew now from SI last year, things might have been completely different. Who can or wants to really be prepared for an affair anyway? By the time she sees any light things for me will be already off in a whole other direction. This site is really amazing.

capeaffair posted 12/1/2018 18:09 PM

WW received a letter from my lawyer about being served and is starting to get it and started yelling about how I'm such an idiot. She is now talking about the DV, but I am not worried as I am not violent and not drinking now and why would she go to work and leave her precious children home with such a violent man? The police never have been called about this and I have no documented record at all of any violence. My dad was definitely abusive, but never physically. I hate how these things continue in families and manifest themselves despite the sorrow they caused in the past. I'm sure she went to confide with OM as she left the house so that I had to call out of work to be home with children. No idea where she went. She wanted to take my daughter with her, but I advise against it as I asked here where she was going as I need to know where my children are at all times. I mentioned that I would call the police if she left in such as state of mind with my daughter in an automobile after a glass of wine with no direction. Things are heating up, but I'm calm and sure of myself now...

arobk posted 12/1/2018 23:59 PM

You should be carrying a VAR with you whenever you are around her. It could save your butt if she tries to accuse you of DV.

Freeme posted 12/2/2018 06:45 AM

Buy a VAR today and keep it on you. We have had so, so many men get taken out of the house because of fake DV charges. Once you are out of the house for fake DV it's hard to get back in without a lot of court involvement.

Do not engage with her try not to be alone with her. If she starts pushing you be prepared to call the police. Cut out the drinking at night. You don't need for her to make a false call and for you to not have all your facilities when the police come. To even appear drunk while they are there.

Having you removed for DV means she keeps the house, and the kids with her and you are stuck finding a place to live and visits with the kids while paying for your housing and hers and court dates, and lawyers...

goalong posted 12/2/2018 06:54 AM

Give OM and WW by extension some thing to bother about. Complain to the OM employer about inappropiate behavior by OM who is WW supervisor

capeaffair posted 12/2/2018 19:03 PM

I have the VAR, but how can I use it to help me avoid a false DV charge? My WW keeps going on and on about how she's going get statements from people about my abusive behavior. These people are also my friends or mutual friends, so I am not sure how I can use the VAR in this state to avoid the charge. She is so set on this belief that I was violent and abusive that I do not want to risk the house and my children as she is going full force with the abusive behavior. I'm not sure what kind of evidence she has, but I feel that she thinks abusive behavior is my getting angry and yelling my discontents. I believe she is planning on moving in with OM who lives in DC and we live in MA. She also wants the house and the children. I'll see what my attorney says, but I'm definitely getting nervous and anxious and second guessing my filing for D. She is definitely getting coached by OM.

HellFire posted 12/2/2018 20:02 PM

Statements from people won't matter. You've never been charged.

People are telling you to carry a var on you AT ALL TIMES to keep you from getting a false DV charge. It is supposed to be recording any interaction between the two of you. So that when she calls the police, you can prove to them that you didn't lay a hand on her. Usually the ww will make the threat of calling the police right before she picks up the phone. The var will have the conversation recorded,and her saying she was going to lie to the police to have you arrested. Please take the advice. She's going to call the police. Your only protection is that var. Or security cameras. And do NOT tell her about the VAR or cameras.

You need to tell your lawyer what she's saying. Call the attorney tomorrow.

Marz posted 12/2/2018 20:23 PM

Ask your attorney about var laws in your area.

Marz posted 12/2/2018 20:24 PM


[This message edited by Marz at 8:24 PM, December 2nd (Sunday)]

Jduff posted 12/3/2018 09:57 AM

I'll see what my attorney says, but I'm definitely getting nervous and anxious and second guessing my filing for D.

This is EXACTLY what she is trying to do when she threatens to file false DV charges on you. She wants you to back off in the D and let her continue her affair. Your best best is to get your attorney involved and start documenting everything if you haven't already. Document her absence from the home with dates and times, length of time of absence, any confirmation of her destination, whether she attempted to take your children, especially these times when she did drink wine and attempted to drive with your kids in the car. Were it me, I wouldn't just stop at a VAR. I would install security cameras in the home and outside the home, particularly entry ways front and back of house and garage.

Think about it, capeaffair, if you were really the abusive one then why are YOU the one trying to escape the marriage? Shape your strategy from this point forward around getting yourself and your kids around HER abuse. Shove aside the "save the M" cap and put on the "save myself and the kids" cap.

And let your WW get coached by the OM. That's actually the best situation because for as long as she doesn't actually see an attorney she is getting some self-destructive shit advice from another self-serving shit adviser.

But for now, you've got the advantage. Don't let fear make you lose it with inaction. Waywards that get all pissy because the got served D petition is very much the norm.

pureheartkit posted 12/3/2018 10:41 AM

Cape, it just crazy what she's doing. You are the rational one though and have sought thinking solutions while she was impulsive.

Keep your head about you now, this stuff is crazy making. I'm happy for you that you are not yelling or drinking because it's better to solve what's wrong making us unhappy than act out in frustration. This mastery of your situation will be of great benefit to you and you will be able to show your kids your in control and strong.

I've been so frustrated in the past as well with a spouse who wanted fun while I needed to have some responsibility and order around the house. If you hold it in too long or aren't heard, the feelings can burst out. Shouting is never good and it can be abusive so I can see her view. I can't imagine a woman wants a drinking spouse with her kids but threatening to take them while you have shown that you will be sober with them is cruel.

Personally I would not ever yell around kids, I think it shows them a lack of control. Kids want to see stability and problem solving. I know you attempted to do that with her but she ignored it and now she's decided to take an antagonistic position.

I agree with the others, protect yourself, keep your wits about you, speak calmly and don't allow deception. Expose all her actions. She ought to have worked with you to problem solve. I know you wanted to do that. You gave so many options to walk a healthy path. She didn't want to. Now her fairyland is ruined and she's upset. Maybe she gets her thinking cap on now finally.

You are at a place in your life to look at yourself and choose who you want to be going forward. Find the best in yourself and be that person. The failures and frustrations of the past are behind you and your future lies ahead. Don't let her threaten you any more. You are strong and so show her she can't intimidate you.

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