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Newbie - In Shock

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TornInShock posted 10/31/2018 18:58 PM

Found out my WH was having Cybersex with OW. He claims it was only fantasy and therefore did not consider it cheating. After much educating, (yelling, screaming, and crying) he says he understands now that it was. I don't believe him. I think he is incapable of understanding my feelings, or anybody else's. He said since I was not interested in sex and we had a passionless marriage, that he thought it was ok. I told him it was passionless because He didn't make me feel sexy or feel passionate.

The OW and my WH spent months sexting each other and sending each other pictures of their anatomy like a national geographic special on primate phucking. I am so disgusted with his level of stupidity, ignorance and thoughtlessness. In the beginning, it was probably a fantasy but then it became an emotional affair as well and they shared their real life names and the stories of their lives together. He said he loved her many many times and now has cheapened that word and I can't imagine him ever uttering that word to me.

It started out as part of an online gaming group that turned into a sex for free ad for horny, desperately lonely people. He did break off all contact with the pathetic OW. I am so angry that I took off my wedding ring, told him to get IC, which he is doing, and to stop referring me as his wife. We have been together over 20 years and he "screws" it all up for excitement and whoring. Oh, he wants his cake and then some. I can barely look at him and I won't let him touch me.

He wants to work on the marriage and for me, I don't know what I want. Part of me wants to move on but a part of me wants to make this work. Sometimes, I just want revenge and stoop to his level but what the hell would be the point of that?

Like many people who have gone through this, my emotions are all over the place - but mostly anger. And the Holidays are coming, great.

pearlamici posted 10/31/2018 19:34 PM

Hi Torn - I'm new to this site as well, though over 4 years since Dday (WH of 26 years had ~3yr PA with coworker) ... you will get lots of good advice here. Your husband has to understand that any relationship that is a secret - is a betrayal. The time and effort he put into sexting the OW should have been spent talking to you about your marriage. Look at the Healing library and read other threads....emotional/physical/sex addiction - alot of good insight here. Wished I found this site when I was blindsided.

Bbbluegurl posted 10/31/2018 19:37 PM

I'm so sorry. Let those emotions flow, you deserve to feel that way. He betrayed your trust. Check the healing libaray, it really helped me. And just keep sharing, it helps so much.

OrdinaryMuse posted 10/31/2018 21:19 PM

He is lying and covering up. None of it was your fault and his story that he didn't know or didn't think it would be a problem is so typical and such a load of crap. He is clearly in affair fog. He's not even close to being ready to work on the marriage until he gets his head straight.

I'm sorry that you find yourself needing this group, but I'm finding it a safe and supportive place to be. I hope you will too.

TornInShock posted 11/1/2018 08:12 AM

I have been going over the Healing Library and trying to soak it all in. I am thinking he never really loved me to do this. To be intimate with a stranger and then to participate in online sex knowing it would hurt me. He may have been in an affair fog but he must have known that it was wrong.

He says he tried to end it but didn't know how. I don't understand that. I can't accept that he wanted to end it. He only ended it when I found out. The whole time he was doing this, we were going on date nights, holding hands and re-connecting as a couple after becoming empty nesters. I know that over the years, we have been distant at times and even mean to each other in frustration. But never would I have thought, he would have done this because I thought he would be honest with me about what he was feeling or needing.

Thank you for your replies. It helps to know that I am not alone in this. It just hurts so much. My attention is shit at work, I have to lie to my grown children like everything is okay.

Gutpunch posted 11/1/2018 10:07 AM

Don't lie to your kids

He knows he was wrong and it was cheating

He's minimizing

1Faith posted 11/1/2018 13:39 PM

Dear Torn,

Take it one day at a time. Focus on you as much as you can. Please look into IC (individual counseling) for you, just you.

If your company has an EAP program use it.

IC can help you get your feet back on the ground and provide some sound objective guidance for you.

You have every right to be hurt, upset and angry.

Keep posting, we are here, we understand.

(((good luck)))

whoami62 posted 11/1/2018 16:25 PM

I am sorry that you found yourself to be part of this club.

I understand your anger. I am not trying to fan the flames and I certainly don't know all of the details of your situation , but my husband also met his whore in the same manner your WH did....and it escalated to a full blown affair that went on for years , despite her living in another country

As far as your adult children, I understand why you don't want them to know. It makes it a lot worse if you hope to be able to reconcile ..together we have 4 grown daughters , one of which is both of ours.

She is the only one who knows and I regret that tremendously.

She is super sensitive and it has impacted her life.
And if the others knew, it would be awful , not just for my WH.
I agree with the others, take it one day at a time.
It's too new and raw to make any decisions.

Porn and hook up sites are straight up evil, IMHO
Please take care of yourself as you sort through all of this

KaleidoscopePic posted 11/3/2018 20:27 PM

I know this must be a terrible shock. I know that you must feel so betrayed, so angry and so incredibly hurt. I am wondering, have you considered getting IC for yourself. I got into counseling after finding out my husband had an affair with an old high school classmate he reconnected with on Facebook. It really helped me get some perspective, and it might be helpful for you too. I think it could help you figure out how to deal with this and what you want.

Have you heard of marriage intensives? I have heard of one called Hope Restored. It claims to have a 80% success rate with 80% of the couples who attend it being still married two years later. If you have put 20+ years in together, isn't it worth checking out? It is a 3-6 day marriage intensive, and I have heard that they have scholarships available. Here is a link:

I am so sorry this has happened to you. It is devastating, but help and hope is available.

TornInShock posted 11/4/2018 08:28 AM

whoami62, have you reconciled your marriage? I, too, fear it will set some mental and emotional challenges for our adult children as they are very sensitive and it may make them unstable. I do hope your relationship with your daughter and her relationship with her dad improves with time and honest discussions. I agree the internet Porn and Hookup sites are a detriment to our society and how easy and addictive it can become. It de-values our inner needs and makes us susceptible to foul behavior. Unfortunately, not everyone has the self confidence or emotional maturity to handle it.

OrdinaryMuse- WH does acknowledge he made a horrible mistake and wants to figure out how he got there. I told him, in real life, he wouldn't have given that OW one second of attention. He admits the excitement from the sex texts was one aspect. I am not as interested in the Why as I have read in these posts and elsewhere, we may never know the why. But, if we can understand How, maybe we can take some steps to prevent it.

KaleidoscopePic, thank you for the suggestion. I will look into it. I am not quite there yet to talk about MC yet. I have wonderful, non judgemental girl friends, who are like my soul sisters, and therefore have not sought out IC. And the postings here and your comments help.

I have access to all the chats he sent, he gave it to me after I asked for full disclosure. I have poured over the texts, the images and the sexting and have compiled a daily, data listing. It was extremely difficult to go through and could not sleep afterwards due to the overwhelming emotional effects. However, for some reason, I can process this better in my mind and have better insights. For me, knowing those details helps me get through this period. I also know that it can bring up triggers knowing those details but would welcome that versus him being the only person with the information besides the OW. I can see from those texts, as painful as it is, that it really was mostly about the sex and him feeling sorry for OW and her pathetic life. It made him think that he could help her when really, that focus should have been on me. He is remorseful and admits he was selfish and should have spent those times with me and supporting me. We have had a lot of intense talks.

I will keep posting and thank you all for your support. I, too, wish all of you some comfort in those days where your heart feels heavy with sadness.

Dispirited posted 11/4/2018 21:00 PM

Needles say I am aghast as much as you are. "Norms" are disrespected day in and day out. I'm amazed at how many think that sexting (and what's up with sharing sexual pics?)is no big deal.

Nope- it is a big deal and obviously when children are involved, the thinking is obscured, but it is beyond me how lust or displaced sexuality takes precedence over one's children's welfare.

And that is so sad. The children are trying to figure out WTF is going on and God knows how much this affects their lives. They will never tell you how much, but when they get older, suddenly it comes out.

So forget the lack of self esteem when you allowed a stranger to violate your marriage. Grow up and either divorce your supposed (oh -he/she doesn't fulfill me), or take a lesson on how to treat people- especially people whove been in your life with respect.

When people inflict damage on innocent people, then you're on my shit list. And you'll never be removed.And you will never be accepted as a sincere person. So here's the test- unless you're a sociopath, demonstrate some empathy and/or remorse. If none of the two, then your ass is divorced and I'll say a prayer that you'll learn "something"

And to all of those people who discount civility and compassion, then you have much more work to do:)

Cher6322 posted 11/17/2018 15:39 PM

I'm new to this site also and so sorry all of us have to be here and discuss such painful stories. I first caught my WH on sites that women posed in lingerie discreetly selling their services-he said he was just being nosey. I found text messages-he said they were his friends who used his phone-i found more texts-he didn't know how they got there. Please Please Please, investigate, go through phone records, text history, google history and so on. If you have the gut feeling, its most likely happening. Just like you mine is not interested in having to face my feelings. Read up in the Healing Library, it is helping me greatly and giving me so many tips on how to handle this nightmare. I wish you luck on this long journey.

bella444 posted 11/17/2018 16:02 PM

I'm too new to this site & my life is such a disaster that I can't offer any advice. But I have greatly appreciated everyone's kindness here. I truly feel these people care about you. I wish you the best of luck :)

TornInShock posted 11/19/2018 17:51 PM

I feel like I don't know what I am doing. WH and I had HB for a week and although great, I feel like I am covering up for the hurt and grief I felt. I don't want him to think that he has a free pass because we are having sex but I don't want to punish him either. I hate that he betrayed and lied to me, and used a Cyber affair as a means to ignore and reject our marriage. I hate that he gave the OW what I wanted. He is remorseful and wants our marriage to work, but it feels like it is just surface material, like cooking, cleaning up, and setting up date nights (which I requested).

What is it that makes it genuine and not another lie or act? How can you know when you lost all trust from a person? I know it is still early - 4 weeks since DD. How do you know when they are really sincere?

Is it normal to feel guilty and even more confused after HB?

fareast posted 11/19/2018 22:20 PM


Everything you are feeling is so normal, especially just 4 weeks after DD. You will feel confusion and lost at times. But time is your ally. Figure out what you need from your WH. Be firm with your boundaries. He needs to be totally transparent and available with his phone and devices. It usually takes a WS some time to truly grasp the level of devastation they have caused. If he is remorseful he will recognize the pain he caused YOU, not wallow in his own shame or guilt. Overall, it is the consistency of actions over an extended period which gives a clue to whether he is R material. You will need time to,process the pain of his betrayal. He needs to take your anger without defensiveness as triggers hit you out of the blue. Ngood luck.

TornInShock posted 11/29/2018 21:41 PM

So sad right now. I found out WH shared music, books and they had "their song". He still refuses to believe she was his girl friend or someone whom he replaced for excitement, sexting, masterbating, first person to call, all day texting and sharing and the last person for him to talk with for 4 months.

I told him he was wrong. That he essentially replaced me with her. But he said, it wasn't real life. I told him, it didn't matter they didn't meet in real life. They comforted each other and shared moments with each other. That is a real relationship. I told him he was lying and not being honest me or he wasn't being honest with himself.

I just don't understand how he doesn't see it as a real relationship. Am I wrong? Is he compartmentalizing again? Is he trivializing?

I threw things at him tonight because I told him sharing music is such a personal thing.. I really hate him right now.

TornInShock posted 1/15/2019 18:56 PM

It's been a while since I last posted. I was working on getting through the holidays with WH's mother visiting for the holidays. It was difficult but also distracting as we had lots of activities planned with her. WH has been trying to work on making me feel safe by unfriending all female facebook friends, handing all passwords. I have been digging and asking questions and having lots of conversations. I have been on a roller coaster ride emotionally as you sages have all stated. Some days, I am fine, other days, I want to run away, and some days, I just cry and scream.

I need some advice. I have found out the whore on the online game WH has been having an EA/Cyberswex with, received money from WH. He said he felt sorry for her and her pathetic situation where she was in between jobs, so she said, and had no money. He gave her about a $100. That happened about 2 months into their affair. Afterwards, there were many hints to financial issues she was having but also mixed with her successes. She never asked for money directly but there was this invitation sort of chat that she needed money. So, not sure if she was trying to scam him for more money. He is not proud of what he did during this period and has many regrets to who he was during this time. He can't believe he was the monster that he was.

My question is, should I expose her on social media? She uses social media ad nauseam. She spends, from what I can gather, her entire life on online games, lures men, and exchanges nasty pictures with them. She does seem pathetic, lonely, ugly, and a waste of human space who also lost her children somehow. I want to warn other people of the kind of lurid whore that she is. She tells everyone on facebook what a wonderful human being she is and I just want to yell to everyone that she is a whore. Would this be a bad thing?

neverhappen2me posted 1/15/2019 19:12 PM

Hey torn, Thanks for the update.
As satisfying as it sounds I'm afraid you would regret airing out your dirty laundry on facebook.

heartbroken_kk posted 1/15/2019 19:23 PM

Hard no on outing her on social media.

It will look worse on you than it does on her.

Be strong, be the better person.

Tripletrouble posted 1/15/2019 19:30 PM

Hi Torn - My XH also had meaningless cyber stuff. Different than your situation in that he joined hook up sites and there were dozens, and almost certainly IRL meetings, but like yours in that he claimed it wasn't cheating since it was online and that it was my fault because the sex at home wasn't often enough (it was several times a week).

As much as you may be tempted to out this POS OW, she is not your problem. Spend your energy on yourself and your marriage (if saving it is your goal). I get it though, I do. I fantasized about revenge on those slutty homewreckers that offered sex for free on the internet, but it has my HUSBAND that took them up on it. Who they are, how they live their lives, and who thinks they are great people is of little concern to YOUR life. Anyways, don't we all know a bunch of posers on social media? Just because someone tells the world how awesome they are doesn't mean everyone is believing it.

I hope you are doing ok given how new you still are to D Day. Please keep checking in, there are many people here who will make you feel more understood and cared for than the loving people in IRL who just don't get it because they haven't lived it.

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