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Different perspective

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NoOptTo posted 4/8/2019 16:05 PM

From my experience ATG and I think many may agree, in the short term, the wayward will have what seems to be the happier outcome. But because they are flawed, they will always be searching for something that they cant attain because they havent fixed their flaw. The betrayed takes time to heal themselves, questions their actions, looks after what needs to addressed. If they learn to stand up for themselves and recognize the red flags when they pick their next SO, they become even happier. They have an honest love with mutual people respecting each. You have been doing fine ATG. You have been focused on getting out of infidelity and loving your children. Your are well rooted when you finally decide to date again. I'm sure your STBXWW will be jumping from guy to guy trying to find what she cant fill. Best of luck to you. And I'm glad you enjoyed the wedding.

Atg100 posted 4/8/2019 20:09 PM

I donít think my wife is better off.
Interestingly when she moved out she left her old phone in my house .
I plugged it in the other day and the battery did indeed recharge . Looks like the affair I detected wasnít her only attempt to step out of the boundaries of our marriage.

It made me angry but the net result is the same.
This morning she texts ď Hey, can I talk to you later or tonight about lawyer stuff? ď
I will not get angry by the tone she chose.
I will see this as a challenge to talk like a civilised person when talking to a lying cheat who wants to take my money.
My anger will not be in the way to achieve the best possible outcome for me in our divorce proceedings

Jorge posted 4/8/2019 20:09 PM

ATG.... You are a loving soul and your wife is lacking one. Everything you're experiencing derives from this fact. Understand and accept, your wife doesn't have what you have and perhaps never will.

The lifestyle you have provided her has helped conceal missing qualities in her that lay dormant for years. Eventually circumstances came together and her character deficicines came to bare.

Focus on strengthening the foundation of your happiness by exhausting all opportunities that can help you stay clear of her. Your recovery time frame is tied to how effective you can enforce disengagement.

When you are ready, there is a woman who you have yet to meet that will compliment you in a way that you never thought possible. However, you have to believe and remember, you are the prize. Your recovery will help you see this in yourself in time.

However this is critically important in that when you see this, others will too. If your situation was defined by a weather report, you currently are overcast with periodic showers, a light drizzling rain, but where the sun peeks through for just a few minutes each day. In time, your days will be sunny and bright.

Just a simple thought to share along with others to help you cope.

AFL1000 posted 4/8/2019 20:38 PM


It still amazes me that your WW would leave evidence lying around that further confirms her duplicity such as you finding an old phone and evidence that, as many have previously suggested, Ace was probably not her first rodeo and she was willing to compromise her boundaries with respect to the marriage. How incriminating were the text messages on the old phone?

I caution you about engaging in conversations with her about the divorce or legal matters. That's why you engage lawyers. If you think you need to I recommend that you record this conversation in case it can be used to your advantage in the settlement or counter any claims she may make if she goes rogue and no longer wants to play fair and tells her lawyer "but I didn't say that" or "I didn't agree to that". Do the recording for your protection.

RubixCubed posted 4/8/2019 21:10 PM

Tell her to talk to your lawyer, that's what he's for.
Don't believe for a second she plans to play nice until the end.

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 9:11 PM, April 8th (Monday)]

NoOptTo posted 4/9/2019 04:54 AM

Wish you well when you have your conversation with STBXWW. The moment she tries to goad you or get emotional, or you feel uneasy in any way, tell her politely that you think this will be better served through your lawyers. You have and continue to show dignity and respect. They are your strengths. Keep to them.

Atg100 posted 4/9/2019 05:10 AM

My wife called me and asked me if I could pay for her lawyer.
I told her that I wouldnít .
She suggested to meet for mediation without lawyers , but my financials are far to complex for that .
The good news is that my lawyer has dealt with her law firm before and describes them as sensible .
And he didnít wait a minute but immediately shot of a message to her lawyer asking for a resolution in a timely manner given that we have provided a pool of assets statement in early February . Letís get this over and done with.

Atg100 posted 4/9/2019 07:10 AM

My wife's uncle called me.
He said " I am strongly on your side ATG"
He was concerned about the likely pay out I am facing and has a close friend of his , who is a top family lawyer to give a second opinion on my financial situation.
This friend will look over my pool of assets statement in the next few days and make sure that my lawyer is on the right path.

NeverHealed posted 4/9/2019 08:44 AM

He said " I am strongly on your side ATG"

Be careful.

Sunny69 posted 4/9/2019 13:43 PM

Hi ATG100,

Haven't checked in for a while and see things have moved on significantly.
I don't know why, but it always surprises me how quickly relationships can deteriorate. Sorry to read your story, but glad you seem able to put your best foot forward and keep moving towards a brighter future. Strength and best wishes being sent to you and yours

Atg100 posted 4/9/2019 15:19 PM

Never healed - the uncle has been my finance broker for more than 10 years. When we separated in December he was the first to ring to say something similar - and told me I am always welcome at his house . He is the one who will help me with the potential payment I have to make, once the settlement is finished . There is nothing in it for him; he has a moral compass.

Atg100 posted 4/9/2019 15:29 PM


Thanks for the wishes . Yes my life has changed completely, but I hope for the better!

Marz posted 4/9/2019 15:31 PM

It looks like your are finally realizing who your stbx wife really is and always was. Her old phone is just another bit of proof to help your rational brain align with your emotional one.

By no contact I think everyone means as low contact as you can. Obviously there are limits with young kids in the mix.

It would be good for you to totally get over wanting her to wake up and become who you want her to be. That's not who she is, ever was or ever will be. Once you accept this this will be much easier.

Atg100 posted 4/10/2019 05:49 AM

I went to counseling.
This is the same counselor who first saw the two of us, who then split us into individual sessions and then sees me - every now and then.
She listened to my latest updates.
And then she says :
" I think your wife is a narcissist. She hid it really well, when she was in IC, but then again she wasn't saying anything. I didn't pick it at the time. "
She was angry with herself .

Well, we all know how to deal with narcissist: You don't deal with them.
I cant wait. After the financial separation has happened, I will have nothing to say to her.

Atg100 posted 4/12/2019 01:39 AM

Just been informed that i have to pay my wifeís lawyer upfront.
Iím the turkey voting for Christmas .

Sunny69 posted 4/12/2019 01:50 AM

That just seems so wrong, given her behaviour being instrumental in the ongoing breakdown of the relationship.

Atg100 posted 4/12/2019 02:03 AM

There is not ď at fault ď in Australian law.
I have to just forget about all emotions and treat it as a business transaction.

NoOptTo posted 4/12/2019 04:03 AM

Onward to your freedom ATG. It's just another expense to rid yourself of the true person that your STBXWW is. Keeping it as a business transaction is the best mindset you can have at this point.

AFL1000 posted 4/12/2019 05:34 AM


Did this directive for payment for your STBXW's lawyer come from your lawyer or from her lawyer? What was the reason you got slugged with having to pay her lawyers fees? I know it's yet another frustrating step on the road to divorce ...never said our legal system was fair.

Also make sure its deducted from any payment she gets at settlement.

Keep moving forward. Yes she is now just a business transaction.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 5:36 AM, April 12th (Friday)]

Atg100 posted 4/12/2019 07:02 AM

She most likely lied to her lawyer about not having enough money.
We could ask for full disclosure first but they wouldnít agree without upfront payment.
Yes we will try to get any upfront payment deducted from a final pay out, but they donít have to agree.
If they donít agree then I will just ask my lawyer to also send me an upfront invoice .
Eventually she will have to disclose

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