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Different perspective

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Stevesn posted 10/5/2018 06:35 AM

IC is a good sign. She will have to work hard at it.

Did she go to the burlesque show? Iím not sure going to an event with sexual overtones is an appropriate thing to do right now.

Go with a female friend to dinner or coffee to talk about her poor choices and seek help is one thing. Going to an event with half naked people is a totally different thing and in my opinion not at all in line with trying for reconciliation. Especially with alcohol involved.

Just my opinion.

Atg100 posted 10/5/2018 06:56 AM

The burlesque show is tomorrow.
If my wife wants to cheat, she will cheat.
Either at a Tupperware party or burlesque show.
I canít influence what she does.
I hope she makes good choices , I will certainly observe .

Stevesn posted 10/5/2018 12:15 PM

Sure observe if she goes to such an event and gets drunk.

But I still respectfully disagree with your premise. I believe there appropriate and inappropriate activities for a WS and to me a burlesque show with men and women scantily dressed and alcohol flowing is an inappropriate one.

For a non-wayward spouse you trust, no problem. For one that has cheated, no way.

Where do you draw the line? Would you let her go to a party full of singles? How about a sex club, ďjust to watchĒ. How about an event where they tell erotic stories, some about the thrill of cheating?

She recently scheduled an all night babysitter so she could be the date of another man at a dinner dance and spend the night with him.

Tell me, how will you know if she did anything wayward at this event? Will you have a ďspyĒ there watching her (not a bad idea) or are you just going to look her in the eye and ask her.

All Iím saying itís a weird choice for a woman who is trying to rebuild her marriage and relationship with the man she hurt.

But itís your M and you get to call the shots. Just wanted you to have an outside perspective on it.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 12:18 PM, October 5th (Friday)]

Atg100 posted 10/5/2018 16:03 PM

Thanks so much for your thoughts.
I appreciate them, and of course I thought about it as well.
Since the ball, she has been found out, has said sorry and appears remorseful. A lot of things have happened. I moved out for a while; we had many serious discussions.

She know where she stands with me and that she is on her last chance.

I canít influence another persons behaviour.
I canít worry about things which are out of my control.
I worry about me and things I can influence.
If she would do something wayward tonight, it would come out.
It always comes out.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 4:10 PM, October 5th (Friday)]

Stevesn posted 10/5/2018 16:25 PM

I get ya. Thanks for considering it.

I guess for me, going to something like this IS wayward behavior in itself cheating or not. For me just going would be the deal breaker. After all that has happened, this would actually put me over the edge.

ďAfter all you have done, you now want to go to a show that is sexual in nature, men and women barely dressed with alcohol involved? How is that helping rebuild our marriage. I have no problem with you spending time with your friend especially if she can help us and our M, but the fact that you donít see this as a problem is a real problem for me.Ē ... is probably what I would say.

Atg, I wonít bother you on this any more. you are a confident man, sounds like you are in control of how you want to move forward, which is a good thing in itself.

I donít see a lot of people chiming in on what I am saying so it doesnít seem like people agree with me too much.

Just be careful.

Atg100 posted 10/5/2018 16:55 PM

I know what you mean when you say this.

Integrity is what you do when the other one is not around.

I have got a lot of things I want to achieve today ( and need to stop posting, but I enjoy our conversation).

If I sit there tonight, worrying about what she does, I am wasting my time.
She has learned that time with me is a privilege , not a right.

However - I think that you as a betrayed spouse absolutely have the right to say what you suggest. I agree that if you are concerned about it, your WW needs to show empathy with such thoughts.
I have emotionally detached from my wife to a degree.
She has to regain my trust.
She could do that tonight, by just having a good time with a friend, not come home drunk and tell me how the night was, without any omissions .
But thatís totally up to her.

Atg100 posted 10/6/2018 17:06 PM

I don't really want to run a minute by minute review on my life, but just wanted to reflect on my wife going out last night, since it caused a good discussion.
She drank too much - and she blamed her friend.
Now this friend is very convincing, I have been at her house. She can refill glassed by the speed of light and drinks herself like a fish.
But I would prefer my wife saying " I drank too much" and take ownership.
But I think that was the only bad thing.
They had a good time. My wife texted me very frequently - about what was going on, where they went, when she took an Uber home.
Much more than she would have done in the past. She initiated that, I never asked her to be more transparent when she goes out - but it felt quite good.
She came home late or should I say "early " and woke me up to say thanks for letting her go and look after the children.
That's about it, fairly boring you might say.
But boring is good, no drama required at the moment.

Atg100 posted 10/6/2018 20:58 PM

Well, cancel that last bit:
I checked her phone , saw that she texted the AP.
I asked her about it - they met in a pub after the show.
I told her that I get a lawyer and will move out.
We will tell the kids, as soon as I have a new place.

Stevesn posted 10/6/2018 22:29 PM

Ugh. Sheís truly broken. And an idiot.
Iím sorry.

Marz posted 10/6/2018 22:50 PM

Well, cancel that last bit:
I checked her phone , saw that she texted the AP.
I asked her about it - they met in a pub after the show.
I told her that I get a lawyer and will move out.
We will tell the kids, as soon as I have a new place.

As you've found words are meaningless. If they had contact more than likely sex was involved.

He is a cheating lieing low life. She knew those facts. What does that make her?

Sorry man, I would inform his wife again.

Atg100 posted 10/6/2018 22:57 PM

He is not my problem anymore and to be honest I need to spend my energies where it matters now:
On myself and on the children.
I will see the lawyers tomorrow - I want as much access to my kids as i can get.
Everything else is meaningless in my mind.
Financially I have been prepared a while ago and used my cash to pay off my company debt.
The company is in the red on paper ; she wonít be entitled to much is they try to estimate the value.

At least the situation is clear now and I can work out what is best for me and the kids .

Marz posted 10/6/2018 23:38 PM

That's a good attitude to take. Moving forward out of infidelity.

You will now need to detach. I think divorce in Australia takes a year of separation.

Cut as much contact as possible. If you keep it to text or email, kids and business only. No phone calls. Limit pick uos and drop offs with the kids to a 3 minute exercise with zero engagement you'll get there a lot quicker.

I know three who follow this and they say it's the best thing they could've done.

Stevesn posted 10/7/2018 07:08 AM

I just want you to know you didnít deserve this.

While you are going through this time I recommend you find a good IC to work with on the pain you are going to feel. One that specializes in infidelity.

You seem to do a good job at keeping the emotional part of all of this stuffed down inside. Whether you believe it or not, at some point it will bubble up and youíll want to have someone there to support you through that. Find that person now.

Forgive yourself for feeling awful about this. Itís being human.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 7:08 AM, October 7th (Sunday)]

Atg100 posted 10/7/2018 07:08 AM

Thanks.
My wife begged me to wait until she has been to IC.
She says she doesnít know if she loves me and it is this struggle and uncertainty about her feelings towards me, which are the reason for our relationship problems, not the other guy.
The two of them were not alone together last night.
My wifeís female friend realised that the other guy was up to no good , decided not to let them talk one on one and then called a taxi and dropped her off at our house. She doesnít know the background.

At least someone had integrity last night.

I decided to wait until after IC.
For two reasons - the counsellor is very good.
I can deal with my pain; I want to protect my children, as I donít know how to deal with their pain. I want to protect them from trauma.
If there is a small chance that we can turn this around without separating , then I want to say that I tried .

I will see a lawyer tomorrow regardless about custody problems and what to expect.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 7:16 AM, October 7th (Sunday)]

toby posted 10/7/2018 07:37 AM

The two of them were not alone together last night.
My wifeís female friend realised that the other guy was up to no good , decided not to let them talk one on one and then called a taxi and dropped her off at our house. She doesnít know the background.

Seriously? Where are you getting this info from? Your wife? From what you posted, your wife is the one ďup to no goodĒ. The OM is just taking what your wife is offering. Time to step up and get real. Expose now! Geez.

GoldenR posted 10/7/2018 07:46 AM

And once again, you're reassuring her that she can do anything, ANYTHING, and you'll minimize and accept it right along with her, and there'll be no consequences.

SHE doesn't know if SHE loves YOU?

She breaks this shit out on you after cheating AGAIN, and you're still hanging around?

How is it exactly that the cheater gets to drive R?

Expect more pain, because not only are you asking for it, you're encouraging it.

Marz posted 10/7/2018 08:07 AM

My wife begged me to wait until she has been to IC.
She says she doesnít know if she loves me and it is this struggle and uncertainty about her feelings towards me, which are the reason for our relationship problems, not the other guy.
The two of them were not alone together last night.
My wifeís female friend realised that the other guy was up to no good , decided not to let them talk one on one and then called a taxi and dropped her off at our house. She doesnít know the background.
At least someone had integrity last night.

First, words don't mean much.

You're taking the word of a cheating wife and her cohort friend?

Your wife's intent was there. Contacted her boyfriend first chance she got.

It takes two. What have her actions shown you?

She doesn't know if she loves you but contacts her other man immediately?

She knows who and what he is but picks him anyway?

Feeding a cake eater won't get you much.


Robert22205https posted 10/7/2018 10:12 AM

She says she doesnít know if she loves me and it is this struggle and uncertainty about her feelings towards me, which are the reason for our relationship problems, not the other guy.

Her explanation is almost word for word out of the cheater's handbook. She is no different than any other cheater.

I think your past behavior (which you fixed) made you overly understanding of your wife's betrayal.

Being understanding and giving a her a second chance (without the details of her betrayal) was subconsciously viewed as weakness on your part - and a free pass to continue her affair.

Your wife is deep into an affair and initiated contact with the OM. At this point she is no longer the girl you married. This woman is a liar and disrespects you and your marriage.

Believe nothing she says. Her girlfriend is likely lying to cover for your wife.

BeingheldbyJesus posted 10/7/2018 13:38 PM

You really need a 2x4 here. As a BS, I am upset that you keep not telling the OBS. What if she knew and was not telling you? If you are a decent human, you tell so she can make decisions!

And your WW is a liar and keeps playing you! You are trusting her words that her friend was even there. I kept thinking the whole time that you were babysitting for your wifeís date with her AP.... And, you did. No way that they are not having sex. My WH didnít have sex with AP either per him until I found the email proof 4 months later. Cheaters have sex. That is the goal to cheat.

Atg100 posted 10/7/2018 14:05 PM

I told the other betrayed spouse weeks ago.
I thought that this would kill the affair, but it hasnít.
I donít want to talk to her again.

The bullshit about not loving me always occurs after she had met him.
We were fine on holidays, even getting better, I thought.
She contacted him as soon as we were back.
Iím aware of that.
Yesterday I was ready to move out.
She begged me to stay until she has been to counselling ; that is on Tuesday.
I will wait until Tuesday , because of the kids.
Just on that odd chance , that itís worth staying.
Keep that 2 by 4 in the shed please.
Without kids, I would be gone yesterday

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