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Different perspective

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AFL1000 posted 12/7/2018 16:17 PM

Overreact! overreact! OMG How old is your wife ...going on 16 sneaking out of the house to meet the boyfriend her Dad doesn't approve of. This is just disrespectful at a whole new level even for her. She knew what was going to happen if she went, you made that very clear and the 'I didn't talk to him' defence is laughable.

The texts you intercepted were they direct correspondence between her and POSOM about meeting up?

You told her the consequences of her taking this action so collect her suitcases, put them in the hall as a clear sign to move out.

Tell MIL and all friends of her latest escapade.

So sorry for you but stay strong and keep disconnecting.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 4:20 PM, December 7th (Friday)]

Atg100 posted 12/7/2018 16:32 PM

I followed your advice.
It was quite satisfying :
I took all our wedding photos off the wall.
Itís quite noticeable , the kids havenít seen it yet.
If they ask me , I will say that there is something wrong with them which I need to fix.
No suitcases necessary; I sent her links to a couple of Airbnb apartments which are free from today.

I sent her an email scheduling a meeting this weekend to go through the Relationship Australia material you recommended.

I think I was just a little vulnerable yesterday , as her regret was so visible . I have to admit I had the tiniest glimmer of hope.
Thatís gone again.
But I think thatís normal for a normal human being, having such glimmers.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 4:36 PM, December 7th (Friday)]

AFL1000 posted 12/7/2018 20:58 PM

ATG I am very pleased that I could provide you with something concrete like the Rel Aus co-parenting resources in addition to words of support and encouragement. We use Rel Aus resources extensively at my university in training our counselling and family law students.

Has there been any reaction by Mrs ATG to the removal of the wedding photos? This was a pivotal moment for my friend's wife when she saw she was replaceable and he was capable of moving on without her.

Arranging a meeting to formally discuss co-parenting arrangements is another very strong message to her about the consequences of her affair with POSOM.

The fact that she admitted she lied to you about the work Christmas party so you would not 'overreact' just shows she is still in the land of rainbows and unicorns!

Oh and if you need a valet/ butler/child minder to go with you on your Bali vacation my bags are already packed

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 9:21 PM, December 7th (Friday)]

Atg100 posted 12/7/2018 22:55 PM

I would love to take you!

A lot of things happened in the aftermath .
My wife finally told my MIL who asked me to take her with me to Bali, for the childrenís sake.
I feel sorry for her , she is only trying her best.
But I explained to her that Bali will be a new beginning.
2019 will be free off all this pain.
She understood.

Buster123 posted 12/7/2018 23:00 PM

It's still ALL about HER, don't feel bad about the glimmer of hope, it's quite normal, I'm glad you quickly saw through it, it didn't take her very long to focus her energy to the Christmas party and POSOM, just more confirmation you made the right decision to D, enjoy your trip with the kids.

Just out of curiosity what did she say in the texts you intercepted ? and not that it matters anymore but now she's going to find another way to communicate with POSOM. The Airbnb idea is awsome, heck I'd probably pay for the first week or so, that will probably increase her efforts on finding a permanent place to live and to just get her out of your life faster.

AFL1000 posted 12/7/2018 23:09 PM

"A lot of things happened in the aftermath ." Are you able to enlighten us?

As I asked and so has Buster what did your wife say in the texts you found between her and POSOM about the work Christmas party?

Atg100 posted 12/7/2018 23:20 PM

The text was from her to another female colleague , asking her to join in, as they were on a roof top bar.
When the other colleague replied who was at such bar, my wife texted the names of two female coworker - and of course POSOM.
I rang her , asked if the AP was there , she denied it twice.
She then came home , telling me that she didnít talk to him, in that group of four people.
Must have been odd.
Today , I told her that I informed her mother.
She told me to leave her alone.
And I for the first and only time shouted at her ;
The kids didnít hear it.
ď get your f... lies out of my lifeĒ
She said she wasnít lying, just considering.
She apologised , she didnít want to shout . And then it was more civil.
She talked to her mum.
She took the kids to a park, so that I can rest ď because we are still a team ď.
Iím pretty sure I donít want to be on this team of liars.

Stevesn posted 12/8/2018 06:51 AM

Hi ATG

Still sorry for your pain.

I recommend you be very clear with her. Tell her specifically, ďwe are no longer a team. You have broken my heart irreparably. You are no longer my wife and as soon as I can make that official legally, I will. My wife would have not gone to that party knowing the POS would be there and upon seeing him she would have run the other direction.

You are no longer a wife to me. I no longer care about you or what you do. Go Be with him if thatís what youíre dying for. Iím no longer standing in your way.

I hope you get the help you need to find what youíre missing in your life, but I no longer want to be a part of it. I vow to be the best coparent I can be, but other than that, we are no longer even acquaintances, let alone romantic partners.

From here on out I will only discuss with you the children. Please find your own place to live this weekend. The lawyers will be in touch with you ď

Then please ATG start waking that walk. Donít ask her where she is going. Donít make her dinner or do anything for her. Your only responsibility is to your kids.

If you want, let your MIL know you no longer take responsibility for helping your WW heal and if she cares about her perhaps she should come stay with her at her new place to make sure she doesnít harm herself or that she helps her with the psychiatrist. Not required of you, but I know you are a good guy and keeping the MIL informed this one time is a good step to take.

Other than that, when does IC start for you. We really want you to have that support.

Marz posted 12/8/2018 07:46 AM


I took all our wedding photos off the wall.
Itís quite noticeable , the kids havenít seen it yet.
If they ask me , I will say that there is something wrong with them which I need to fix.

Don't lie to your kids. They aren't stupid. It will just cause them more anxiety than necessary.

Tell them the truth in a sanitized way.


AFL1000 posted 12/8/2018 08:16 AM

ATG I totally agree with Stevesn that you are not a team and haven't been one since DDay and I hope you made that point to her in no uncertain terms. Again I am astounded that she would have the audacity to say that even after you took the wedding photos down. By the way did she say anything about the removal of the photos? Surely that was symbolic enough to show her that you were no longer a team.

And what was she trying to convey with the statement she 'wasn't lying just considering'; considering what? She was caught out lying twice even when confronted with the fact you knew she was with the POSOM at the Christmas party.

And how did your wife respond to the AirBNB email?

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 8:28 AM, December 8th (Saturday)]

Atg100 posted 12/8/2018 10:34 AM

She didnít say anything about the missing wedding photos.

We had one brief discussion yesterday .
She kept on saying that she is sorry.
I just told her that she needs to be gone asasp now.
She will find out on Monday if a rental application was succesful, in that case she will fit out the place throughout the week and then leave the kids with me. Otherwise it will be Airbnb.
Iím not sure I need counselling ; but the session will be on Friday.
I have got good friends, I have my parents and - I have this forum. My work place is extremely supportive.
Iím reading a book about mindfulness and keep my exercise up. I have very low modes , yes, but I love my children far too much to ever even consider self-harm.
They have a mentally unstable mother, and once reality bites, I need to make sure they are with me.

I will not have any discussions with her anymore .

[This message edited by Atg100 at 10:35 AM, December 8th (Saturday)]

Atg100 posted 12/8/2018 14:54 PM

And of course she is still in Lala land.
She heard me crying on the phone, when I informed my mother.
I told my siblings months ago, but only wanted to tell my elderly mum, once things are final.

This morning she came to me and said " Can I give you a hug, I am sorry you had such a sad discussion with your mother?"
I said " I prefer not to get a hug from you".

I asked her if we want to discuss our legal separation in family court or if we want to try the mediation service from Relationship Australia first.
She said " Do we have to do this straight away?"
I told her that it would be fine to make an appointment in early January. I told her that I will see my lawyer next week and prepare an out-of-court offer, which we could discuss with the mediator.
She didnt say much again.

Later :
ď Should I buy this second hand washing machine, or should I buy a new one?Ē
I just shrugged my shoulders ď I donít know ď
ď I like to hear your advice on things ď
ď You fired me as your adviser ď
ď See everything else is so good between us, itís just that the love is missing ď
It was my turn not to say anything.
I have no idea, how she thinks her apartment is fitted out by next weekend, but thatís not my problem.


Ah well, I am off to Australia Zoo this morning with the kids.
Crikey !

[This message edited by Atg100 at 3:20 PM, December 8th (Saturday)]

Buster123 posted 12/8/2018 17:27 PM

She's still asking you to do things for her, good answer, she seems detached from reality, it's still hasn't hit her full force yet, it will very soon. Keep ignoring her unless it involves the D or the kids, once she's out of the house I would tell her to only contact you via text and/or email.

AFL1000 posted 12/8/2018 18:13 PM

" ...everything else is so good between us, it's just that the love is missing"

Ok disregard what I said about her still being in the land of rainbows and unicorns. She has officially crossed over to the Twighlight Zone.

She still sees you as team ATG. I predict that after she gets an apartment you will get the calls to change the light bulbs, install the washing machine and the hundreds of other small tasks you do around the house. No sorry busy. Have to go now getting on with my new life without you.

Please go to your counselling appointment; regardless of how you feel you still need to have a professional to support your emotional needs. We can only do so much at SI.

I am glad family, friends and work colleagues are rallying to your support and they know the truth about why you are separating.

Edited to add: it will be to your advantage if your home is designated as the primary residence of the kids and your wife's apartment is the secondary residence. She will not be able to kit out the apartment to the same level as you can at home. Could have legal implications down the track re: determining spousal and child support payments.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 6:29 PM, December 8th (Saturday)]

Atg100 posted 12/8/2018 18:33 PM

Yes, she thinks she can put me into her ďfriend-zoneĒ and that I would be happy there.
She just needs to move out and I need to rebuild .

Marz posted 12/8/2018 20:54 PM

Yes, she thinks she can put me into her ďfriend-zoneĒ and that I would be happy there.
She just needs to move out and I need to rebuild .

This for the most part this is universal wayward behavior.

Let's be friends !!!! Definition of friend = honest, loyal and trustworthy. She's not friend material.

Friends get her less guilt, (he's ok with what I've done because we're "friends"). All you get is to keep yourself bound up in this mess. It maybe awkward upfront but how awkward is her affair?

Be prepared for the guilt trip. Do it for the children. She didn't think or give a damn how it would affect the children or you.

If you're smart and you want to move on from this you cut all communication expect text or emai kids, business only. Keep that civil or brief. Pickups/drop offs limit to a 3 minute exercise with zero engagement. It will normalize.

The only one who can keep you bound up in this is you. So drop the hopium pipe.

NoOptTo posted 12/9/2018 04:20 AM

To add to the drop off and pick up routine. Your house is your house once the D is final. She is not to enter unless you invite her in. Do exchanges at the driveway, the curb, a public place. Or have the future nanny to the exchange of kids. Your STBWXW will still what to try to act like one nice family even after D. She needs to know that your friendship is over, permanently. You two are coparents or parallel parents depending on how your relationship evolves once she realizes all the damage she has caused.

Atg100 posted 12/9/2018 15:17 PM

Hi guys,
Thank you all for your good advice.
I am ok.

I had a look at the number of posts I have made so far, in comparison to everyone elseís.
I also watched a TED talk about how to get over a divorce.
One of the things which was said is , that journal keeping is not helpful for people who tend to ruminate endlessly about things.
Well, this thread has become my journal.
I have spent far too many nights awake, constantly stirring things over and worrying.
As my decision is now made, and my wife will move out this week, I will take a few days break from SI.
Donít worry about me , Iím well supported.
I will be back, but just wanted to say thanks for all the incredible help.

AFL1000 posted 12/9/2018 15:57 PM

Hi ATG

While I am a great advocate of intensive journaling it can become addictive and emotionally draining. I agree given the decisions you have now come to about your marriage, and having posted almost every day since coming to SI, a break is a good idea. We will be here when you decide to return. I know you will be well supported by family and friends but I do ask that you keep the psychologist appointment this week.

Stay strong and healthy for yourself and the kids.

Buster123 posted 12/9/2018 18:27 PM

Stay strong, take as much time as you need, come back when you're ready, maybe you can help others based on your experience.

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