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Different perspective

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Atg100 posted 12/2/2018 17:04 PM

No, I didnít think she would .
Her mum and I are getting on well, so I did tell her .
She doesnít recognise her daughter anymore.
Like any mother ( and grandmother ) would, she did ask me to give my wife another chance .
But when I described the last 4 months, she agreed that I did more than most would have.
She is just sad, promised to be there for the grandkids..
But itís so hard - they live in Perth, we live in Brisbane.
6 hours on the plane each way, usually you pay $700-$800 dollars for the return trip.
Thatís not something they can afford often.

Unbroken78 posted 12/2/2018 17:58 PM

It sounds like you are making the right choices.

Be aware- once reality sets in, your WW will flood you with hopium and try to sex bomb you in order to "win" you back IE validate that she always has power over you and that you can be manipulated via affection/sex.

If she wins with the hope/sex flood...she will ramp up the manipulation by 1000% and play head games that will make a psych doc scratch his head.

Be prepared for the impromptu offers for a BJ...the calls to see if you want sex...the "can I just come over for a minute"...where she tries to test your boundaries.

Stoic and always remember- "NO" is a complete sentence.

Don't give her power over you.

Atg100 posted 12/2/2018 18:18 PM

I donít think this will happen.
She is incredibly withdrawn and hiding within herself.
She has got problems accepting reality, but we are talking about a 14 year relationship and reality is setting in slowly.

No one , including myself is thinking straight.
No , I think itís much more likely that she becomes quieter and quieter.
I donít think her mental health is ok ; but I have to look after myself and the kids, I canít help her anymore .

AFL1000 posted 12/2/2018 18:47 PM

How did your wife take the news that you told your MIL that you were separating?

Are you and your wife continuing with your counselling sessions or have you terminated those? You said in a previous post that you have an appointment with a new psychologist for yourself.

Did you tell the counsellor who has been working with both of you over the past few months about the decision to separate? If so, what was her reaction?

Do you think Mrs ATG will follow through with her psychiatrist appointment in mid Dec?

How do you think Mrs ATG may react when she gets the official separation documents?

Atg100 posted 12/2/2018 19:07 PM

My wife doesnít know that her mother and I had a chat.
If she knew, she would freak out.
My MIL agreed.
I gave them lots of opportunities to discuss things - that did not happen.
I hope that my wife will keep the IC and the psychiatrist appointment. I worry about her mental health.
When there is a moment, I will bring it up

I told our counselor.
She confirmed that I tried very hard and respects my decision.
She asked me if I would give her another chance.
I answered only , if I would recognise the true desire to work on things . And it would have to come 100% from her.
But for now itís best for both of us, if she moves out ASAP

Atg100 posted 12/3/2018 04:12 AM

I just realised something which to everyone who has helped me and read my post must have been obvious from page 1.

My wife just doesnít want to be with me.

And thatís pretty much it.
And all the pick me dancing, trying to understand her, looking for faults within myself , going to counselors and whatever else, just simple wonít change that fact.

Ripped62 posted 12/3/2018 04:50 AM

My wife (spouse) just doesnít want to be with me.

This is true of many if not nearly all affairs.

Stevesn posted 12/3/2018 10:43 AM


Iím sorry how this is all going down for you.

Yes itís been quite telling that she doesnít want to be with you unfortunately. I know it takes the brain a while to process the fact that her not being ALL IN on trying for R has been quite evident from the start.

Iím glad you see that you need to start taking the path to detach and heal for yourself. When you start IC that should go a long way in helping you work thru this solo.

There have been cases that WSís finally figure out what they want and who they truly love. Perhaps this will happen when she works with the Psychiatrist. Or perhaps her brain will simply work thru what it all means to her in the coming months or years. Or perhaps sheíll never come around.

Regardless our hope is that by the time that happens, if it does, that you have moved on and are on your way to finding someone who truly is ALL IN with you as a partner.

With that said, in the meantime work on yourself. Try to take a holistic look at what you might want to change inside you. If you feel you have shortcomings (eg including loved ones in difficulties you are having like your lawsuit - not something that in any way excuses her infidelity btw) then take the time in IC to work on those things so you are ready to be a good partner someday with someone new.

I think you are on the right path. Realizations like the one you had yesterday of her just not wanting to be your partner anymore will continue to hit you for a while. Weíre here to discuss if you need us.

AFL1000 posted 12/3/2018 14:44 PM

Hi ATG All the members who have posted to your thread make no judgement as to how long you needed to come to this realisation; whether it was 1 post, 1 page or 23+ pages it was your journey not ours. Perhaps there is something to those here on SI who advocate not making life-altering decisions for 90 days (unless the betrayal is so egregious that it warrants termination of the relationship immediately).

While we all hoped that you and Mrs ATG could work through all of this it became increasingly clear that your wife was not investing any of her energies into repairing the damage she wrought on the marriage through her cheating. Even with all the counselling there was no real remorse that we could detect, possibly regret for being caught out and now the reality and consequences of separation.

We would hope she continues with counselling and pursues the follow up with her psychiatrist to continue to work on herself.

None of us underestimate the pain and emotional toll her cheating has taken on you since DDay and encourage you to continue your counselling to heal. And excercise, exercise, exercise for your physical and emotional health.

As you have now reached this realisation that she doesn't want to be with you I do not believe there is any need to withhold that you told her Mum that you are separating because she did not have the courage to do it.

As separation is inevitable I would also be telling your wife that under no circumstances is POSOM to have any contact with your children or she may see a side of you that is far removed from Mr Nice Guy!! Not sure if this could be part of the negoiatiated separation agreement.

ATG we are here to provide whatever continued support you need as you transition into a new phase of your life.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 2:56 PM, December 3rd (Monday)]

Atg100 posted 12/3/2018 14:55 PM

Thank you.
My wife told me yesterday that she wants to go to the work Christmas party. Last yearís Christmas party was when she and the OM first hung out together outside work hours.
I told her that I have been very civil until now , but if she hooks up with the other guy, whilst she still lives under my roof, I will kick her out.
I also told her that the OM is not to play any role in the life of my children.
She agreed .
But her word means nothing of course .

[This message edited by Atg100 at 2:56 PM, December 3rd (Monday)]

AFL1000 posted 12/3/2018 17:06 PM

WTF ATG Does your wife not recognise what a major trigger the work Christmas party is for you. I know on occasions you have mentioned that you perceive that your wife is immature but really...

Did you point out to your wife that:

- going to the Christmas party is insensitive and downright disrespectful to you
- it's a sure bet that POSOM will be attending
- that you consider the Christmas party the anniversary of the start of their affair
- at office work parties there is often copious alcohol available and her past history of drinking to excess is a real concern
- that with excess alcohol consumption comes the high probability of lowered inhibitions and its effects on her AD medications.

The sad thing is I don't think Mrs ATG is doing this out of spite for the current request to separate, I just think she doesn't see all the ramifications of going to the Christmas party.

Feel free to text this list of concerns to her.

NoOptTo posted 12/3/2018 17:12 PM

Puttingbitvplainly, your wifenwantingbto go to her Chrisrmas party shows how much she truly cares about you...... which isn't much at all. It's all about her. Please take care when dealing with her from here on out. She does not have your interest at all. Be civil. Be firm. Show her the door if need be. Show your kids that you value yourself more then to live with a lying coward of a cheater.

Atg100 posted 12/3/2018 17:32 PM

AFL and Nooptout

I have told her all that.
I quoted the text messages he sent her afterwards and I told her that I will kick her out, if she hooks up with him, whilst we are still co-habitating.
I told her that the message he sent about her Victoria Secret underwear is imprinted in my memory.

She has no empathy whatsoever .
She only cares about herself

It reinforces my decision. Hopefully she will find a place fast.

Buster123 posted 12/3/2018 22:16 PM

Wow just wow, her going to a workplace Christmas party simply tells you she does NOT give a rat's ass about you or your feelings, simply put she doesn't care and that right there shows you that you made the right decision to D, her blatant disrespect for you tells me the A is most likely ongoing, and of course OM will be there and guess who he is going to hang out with to celebrate her new freedom (D) as a single woman ? you guessed it, I mean if she had her A with OM risking her M and lifestyle and even after getting caught went on to break NC risking R efforts (she really didn't want) why would she care now that she's got pretty much not much to lose ? don't be surprise if she decides to openly date him even before D is final or right afterwards, that's why it's important, you expose her A and tell OM's name to your kids in a sanitized way (mommy's boyfriend is: OM's name) and also tell all family and close friends so that she doesn't try to introduce him later as someone she just met, at least it will make it more difficult for her to openly date/marry him, she will be damaging her reputation and integrity even more, tell her if she dates him after the D you will expose them with HR, the least she could do is find someone else and not flaunt the guy that helped her destroy her family in front of you, the kids and everybody; but then again, it's possible she's so messed up she doesn't care about anything anymore.

Atg100 posted 12/3/2018 23:55 PM

At the end of the day, it just confirms that she needs to leave my life.
I am busy looking for nannies or au pairs, talking about my work roster and hours, trying to make sure I can be the best dad in the world , once I am on my own.
That lying cheater who currently still lives in my house, is not the woman I once married.
But this woman is gone, on a path which I donít understand anymore.

Unbroken78 posted 12/4/2018 00:00 AM

When the OM is still in the picture, the female gravitates towards her perceived alpha. She could care less about all other men...she wants the prize.

She sees him as the prize, so she doesn't care what you say or do. You are the valet.

That hurts, but it hurts good and is your body telling you to keep doing the right things to get her gone. Good on you for staying strong and putting your foot down.

AFL1000 posted 12/4/2018 05:46 AM


Clearly things have escalated and the relationship has rapidly deteriorated in the past week. You have not in any of your previous postings referred to your wife as 'that lying cheater'; other posters have but you have always refrained from referring to her in derogatory terms; until now.

Was there a particular trigger because you now refer to her as 'this woman I once married' not your wife and you want her out of your life.

Her turn around from 15 Nov where she told you 'she did not want to go to her own Christmas work function as the AP will be there' to now where she wants to go certainly justifies your anger and frustration and as most members suspect the continuance of her affair with POSOM.

Not to mention your revelation to us about the POSOM's email message about her Victoria Secret's underwear. That's just painful.

However in all of this remember your friend's wife's words when you met them in Perth: "You won't stay single long if you should get divorced".

Atg100 posted 12/4/2018 14:32 PM

Yes, I am actually avoiding trying to talk to her about anything but co-parenting and financial problems.
Her behaviour has really shown me how little she thinks of me and that my decision to separate was the correct one.
So far all of her answers were not truthful anyway; why should she now, towards those dying days of our marriage all of a sudden become honest ?
These last few days and weeks are a challenge; I wish she would be gone already.
But she is looking for a place where my children will be half of the week, so she better finds something good.

Atg100 posted 12/5/2018 15:10 PM

And so it begins
ď I need a little bit more cash ď

And just like the sun rises, she will now try and take me to the cleaners. I sent her a very generous lump sum to get started.
But she will ask for more and more .

After receiving the cash in her bank account she texts ď Iím so incredibly sorry, I hurt you so so much ď

Iím sure she wanted me to text back something nice , to help keeping her conscience nice and clear.
I just said ď it is what it is ď

Buster123 posted 12/5/2018 15:40 PM

I understand that you're trying to help her set up in her new place but bc your kids will be there half the time, but I suggest you STOP sending her money and try to settle while she's feeling guilty and still in her fantasy, when she decided to cheat she fired you from the task to help her out, no more money than required by the D settlement, no more replacing a light bulb, no more fixing anything around the house, etc., that's not your job anymore, your only interaction with her should be about the children (preferable by texts), make sure she knows this, anything else, just ignore it.

Let your attorney help you with negotiating the settlement, as in all negotiations, the more you offer up front the more she will want, start low and then get to a reasonable agreement, if you start high then the settlement will wind up being even higher.

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