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Emotionless Infidelity Part 4

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outofsorts posted 10/17/2019 22:40 PM

Hi Susanne,

I did a quick read of your post on the same gender so post. I am so sorry that you are here and dealing with all of this. People wiser than me will likely chime in with helpful advice, for now I just wanted to say I'm glad you found us.

Infidelity is horrifying so it's great to have people who know what you are going through. Like you, I have elected to keep my wh's infidelity a secret so it is great to have people online to "talk" to.

marji posted 10/20/2019 22:10 PM

Hi Susanne,
You haven't asked for any advice so Im just saying welcome to the EI group; it was very active early on but for some reason very quiet lately.

Not only have you not asked for advice-but you've not expressed any feeling or thoughts--just reported what your H has done.

Finding out can always be traumatic and more often than not we tend to keep all this to ourselves so it's great to have SI and great that you have found a safe place.

SusanneH posted 10/21/2019 11:36 AM

Thanks, outofsorts, and Marji.

You're right. I haven't asked for advice. I haven't even thought about it. Guess that's just the way I am. Need to think about it a little. I know I don't know it all. guess I just wanted to get it out there, and haven't had much to add.

Feelings.....hmmmm...... I'm too good at expressing them at home (maybe not "good" but I do it a lot ).

I've been reading on SI since June & just now posted, so I'm not good at posting either . But, I've learned so much before I posted, that a lot of my questions have been answered.

thanks again. got some thinking to do. talk to you later

[This message edited by SusanneH at 3:24 PM, October 21st (Monday)]

marji posted 10/23/2019 05:28 AM

Hi SusanneSounds like you're doing really well which is really great. Feel free to share as much or as little as you want or need. You're just fine about posting; SI has no special requirements-a few guidelines which I think most of us are very comfortable with and feel we benefit from. So we're here for whenever and however we might be of help.

Jilly1234 posted 10/23/2019 08:25 AM

Hi Everybody,
I found out my husband was having an affair 6 months ago. I also found out that for the previous 8 1/2 years heís been seeing sex workers for erotic massages. Iím all over the place . Iím upset about the affair, Iím upset thinking of Asian and Russian women touching him. I feel so betrayed. I am with him . He has stopped and has shown remorse. But does a man who does this really love a wife?? Thatís the question going round in my head all the time. Any insight would be most welcome. Thank you

Somber posted 10/23/2019 08:41 AM

I havenít posted on this forum for a while myself.

Susanne, you are not alone. In the end, our details vary but itís the betrayal trauma that leads us all here. The pain and suffering we experience due to being betrayed by our very own trusted spouse. The shock and disbelief at our spouses ability to comfortably live a double life. I was in a state of shock for a while, wandered around like a zombie never getting anything done. I was in survival mode for a long while and still sometimes fall back into it.
Some simple advice I received on SI during that time was to be kind to yourself and focus on self care. This can be as simple as a walk, bath, buying yourself something just for you. The other most helpful advice I had was that you donít need to make a decision about your marriage today. I know I initially felt pressured to leave my spouse from close friends. Because I wasnít ready for that decision, I began to isolate myself until I found SI to vent and discuss what I was going through. I am a year out and I still havenít fully come to that decision. It takes time to make an informed decision and heal from the betrayal. It also takes a lot of work and commitment on both ends but mostly theirs!! The last advice that became most precious was to seek IC and avoid MC until we both did IC. We are still in the IC stage and I am doubtful we will go ahead with MC but thatís my story...everyoneís story is different.

It must be so shocking to have discovered what you have. It must be so painful to recall times when you thought your marriage was right only to now reflect back and know what he was doing. It is so hurtful. Your feelings matter, you matter, you deserve better. Keep the focus on you, put yourself first in your recovery from this betrayal. In time you will gain clarity, perspective and heal but by bit.


Somber posted 10/23/2019 09:00 AM

Jilly1234,
We must have been typing at the same time...read the above post perhaps you can use the same advice which was helpful to me at the time I had discovered my spouses multiple infidelities dating back to the beginning of our relationship.

But does a man who does this really love a wife?

I have wondered this too. Many people who betray us like this are very good at compartmentalizing. Perhaps they do love us in a way that they know how but itís not good enough, we deserve better! Betrayal does not belong in a loving relationship. You are betrayed! It is so painful. Hang in there. Try to see a IC, post on here lots to help process it all. You have very right to be upset! It takes a long time to heal these wounds and an even longer time to rebuild trust. 6 months out is still very early on, be kind to yourself.
Your WH lived a double life for a long while as well, I wouldnít jump back into trusting him even if he shows remorse. And what does that look like? My WH could put on a good act for a long while only to then carry on with affairs...it was an act to return to the status qou and hide it better next time...
Just be honest with yourself, refrain from rugsweeping (something I was good at) and detach while you work on your own healing journey. Hopefully he will work on his, go to IC, deal with the whys to his behaviour., make changes noted in actions not words...otherwise I wouldnít give back a drop of trust.

DevastatedDee posted 10/23/2019 09:02 AM

But does a man who does this really love a wife??

No. I don't think so. Love requires respect. He doesn't love in a way that honors you or has empathy for you.

SusanneH posted 10/23/2019 12:16 PM

Marji, thanks for your advice and suggestions. My head is still swirling, even when I think I'm on firm ground. I'll keep coming back, reading more, and posting more. thanks again.

[This message edited by SusanneH at 12:17 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

SusanneH posted 10/23/2019 12:25 PM

Somber, I, too walked around & around (sometimes in circles). I found myself doing it again today.
Last week, and the few weeks before that were great, and then, one little thing, and BOOM, the anguish is back, and I'm searching for answers again. It's not that my H did anything wrong (except get defensive about something we tried to talk about that he did (not the affair, but because of it) ). And, we just can't seem to get past it.
It'll pass. Always does. And, I know i can change my mind any time I want about staying.

We've been working weekly on the affair & communication books, and talking; and, have decided if it doesn't work, we'll go to IC. We'll have live in a small town, and have to travel to the next one (my H does it daily ), but I'm ill, and it's hard for me. So, we'll see how this works, but our options are there, and our minds are open.
thanks.
talk to you later.
(((HUGS))) to you all

outofsorts posted 10/23/2019 15:26 PM

Susanne,

Last week, and the few weeks before that were great, and then, one little thing, and BOOM, the anguish is back, and I'm searching for answers again.

Yep, that's definitely one of the worst things about this process isn't it?

It'll pass. Always does. And, I know i can change my mind any time I want about staying.

But this is great that you're at the point where you realize this and can see the roller coaster. I'm now 8 months out and am just now at the point where during the really bad days / weeks / hours / minutes I feel like I will eventually be all right one way or the other.


Jilly, I am so sad that you are here but glad you found us. Knowing that there are others going through the same thing is immensely helpful.

But does a man who does this really love a wife??

That is unfortunately one of the questions torturing me as well. And there are lots of different ways of looking at it that point in different directions. Basically I am still simply unable to make the infidelity make sense in my brain.

SusanneH posted 10/26/2019 10:24 AM

Outofsorts,

(well, I tried to do a quote, and got a blank box. SO, now when I'm editing, it won't let me see your post to try again....)
I'll try to remember....(not one of my best traits these days ).

Yes, having the ups & downs is one of the worst parts of this! For 2 1/2 weeks, I was free of most anxiety, awful 'affair feelings', and all that. It was wonderful!

My fWH has had a really BAD week emotionally..awful mood. Yesterday, though, I was referred to get him to read 'What Every WS Should Know' from the Healing Library. I don't know why, but I haven't really looked at the things in there, yet I've been reading almost anything I can get my hands on! . Go figure. I asked him to read it, and it opened his eyes as to how he's been acting (and feeling) this last week, and because it was worded differently and had some things in there he hadn't seen before?(I don't know, but it IS written well!), his attitude did a 180, and he said he realizes how he had a setback and he's back on track. He's also realized he has a lot of anger, the sex with men issue(that's a big one!), and many things he should have seen someone about a long time ago! He's also a recovering alcoholic/drug addict. His family wasn't much, if any, on communicating feelings, and mine was ALL about feelings (a huggy/kissy family ).....totally different. And, I've often told him I need hugs, etc, and he just doesn't know how to give them, nor does he know how to deal with my feelings. It sure doesn't help, especially now. SO, here's hoping

[This message edited by SusanneH at 10:37 AM, October 26th (Saturday)]

SusanneH posted 11/1/2019 11:54 AM

Just a note...a good one :

My fWH is going to see an IC next week . She's a SA specialist as well as relationship counselor, so.....he'll work on the first one and himself first, and we'll go from there. It's a relief....and, at the same time, a waiting game to find some answers that I might not like, but he/we need to know so we can both be happier.

outofsorts posted 11/2/2019 10:33 AM

That is great news Susanne! The right counselor can make a huge difference.....

I hope that this will be helpful.

SusanneH posted 11/6/2019 14:55 PM

outofsorts

Thanks, he's at his first session right now. I sure hope he likes her. I know it's not usual to find a therapist the first time around. We only have two to choose from in our area, so here's hoping .

outofsorts posted 11/7/2019 11:33 AM

How did the therapy session go Susanne?

SusanneH posted 11/8/2019 10:04 AM

outofsorts

Thanks for asking.

It went well. He spent the time telling all he had to tell. He said he told her everything that had to do with the internet, men, affair, etc. He told her we're trying to put our marriage back together again, and the books I've been getting and we've been going through and all the talks we've been having. (He didn't mention his anger, and that's what we had trouble with yesterday , but, it's to be expected.) She didn't really have anything to say on the first session, just listening.

And, she wants me to come next time, which is great, as far as I can see. I almost wish I could have gone the very next day, as I want to get it taken care of. Every day seems like another waiting game of some kind. I guess I've just been in a funk for about a week *don't really know* now, and just feel blah, and sad .

I know it will get better (or not)...that's the waiting part. I'm SO tired of waiting and the roller coaster. *sorry for the negative this morning*

thanks again. hope you have a good day

((((((HUGS)))))))) and peace

outofsorts posted 11/11/2019 10:33 AM

That sounds really promising Susanne! I know how big of a difference the right counselor can make so I hope this is the right counselor for your husband!

And, she wants me to come next time, which is great, as far as I can see. I almost wish I could have gone the very next day, as I want to get it taken care of.

I can understand that feeling. Especially in the beginning counseling was often the thing that helped the most and knowing that it was coming up soon was often helpful. Especially considering that early on after DDay time passed so slowly. A week would go by and it would feel like about 3 months. It was awful!

I know it will get better (or not)...that's the waiting part. I'm SO tired of waiting and the roller coaster. *sorry for the negative this morning*

I don't think you ever need to apologize for that on SI. I think everyone here gets it. And I can sympathize - for about three weeks I felt like I had been doing really well and then last week my husband wasn't home when I thought he would be and I started to freak out. And I knew that nothing was wrong that his appointment was just later than I had expected but I was still freaked out. But then the fact that I was so bothered by it when I thought I was doing so well got to me more than the actual trigger.

SusanneH posted 11/11/2019 11:31 AM

outofsorts ,

Thanks...habit to apologize (my mom drilled that into us MANY years ago, and it stuck!)


And I can sympathize - for about three weeks I felt like I had been doing really well and then last week my husband wasn't home when I thought he would be and I started to freak out. And I knew that nothing was wrong that his appointment was just later than I had expected but I was still freaked out. But then the fact that I was so bothered by it when I thought I was doing so well got to me more than the actual trigger.


I can TOTALLY understand! It's just the little things that can 'get' us and they become GIGANTIC blowups either in our minds,...or, if we don't fix it before H comes home...then, (if you're like me), we open up our big mouths and then the fight begins! .....
Oh well. It'll get better .
((((((HUGS)))))) and peace

[This message edited by SusanneH at 11:32 AM, November 11th (Monday)]

marji posted 11/12/2019 22:16 PM

as I want to get it taken care of.

Susanne It's good that you and your H feel this counselor is helpful and great that you and your H are communicating but betrayal and the deceit it entails, deceit that is actually a form of disrespect and abuse, deceit that is symptomatic of a serious integrity failure is not something that gets taken care of--it's not a package that gets sent off via UPS; it's not a utility bill that gets paid; it's not a bad tooth that gets treated by a dentist.

Betrayal creates trauma; those of us who speak out, those of us who are angry don't have "big mouths" as you put it; we are humans in what we thought was a honorable and committed relationship; we did not agree to be in an unhealthy and sordid one.

It can take many years to heal from betrayal trauma; I am in an a support group with the most amazing people-strong, sensitive, intelligent and caring; some have been attending for over 15 years and only in recent years and because of the very, very hard work their spouses have committed to, are they developing trust and respect. Most have been in IC as well as group therapy as well as specific betrayal therapy for many years--therapist are not dentists-they are not cardiologists-they can't take care of your husband's problem or fix your relationship-they can only help your H to fix himself-they can only be support for us.

There is hope; many betrayed are able to process the trauma-some while continuing in the relationship; some having decided not to. Im sure you will find your way and what works for you--but please be very kind with yourself-you have every right to be and feel and show your anger and no need to ever apologize for speaking your feelings and your mind here. SI is for all of us to speak as much as we want; it's a blessing to have this space.

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