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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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Morecomplete posted 8/22/2018 12:35 PM

Thanks for answering hikingout. It definitely makes it seem less personal to me that she would do his.

I am pretty horrified that the Christmas card we sent her family would have arrived right after the first time they had sex and I wondered how she could have sent one to my home knowing her intentions (she had made the arrangements and instructed my WH to book a restaurant reservation. She also had purchased condoms. Prior to that they had only kissed.

Your answer makes me think that reaching out as a few BW have done recently with great success wouldnít help me much particularly because it hasnít been long enough since DDay. Also based on what I found in the texts between COW and WH and the group chat they have with four other coworkers, I have suspicions that sheís a narcissist anyway so I have to think that she doesnít actually feel bad for what she has done.

hikingout posted 8/22/2018 12:46 PM

Yes, I think the likelihood of the BS getting anything from the AP that is satisfying in any way would be slim. I don't think I could have compartmentalized her as much if I knew her. I never met her, hadn't seen pictures of her, and we really didn't discuss her in any real way. It doesn't make the trespasses I made against her any better or any less painful, but I could understand why knowing them and having even an acquaintance type relationship with them would bring on even more feelings of confusion there.


When BS's want to contact the OW/OM I think they are hoping to get some sort of closure or some understanding or some way to get past some of the pain somehow. But, I really don't think that is realistic, even in the best circumstances. Nothing we could say would really help you to feel any better about it, though occasionally I do see someone come on that it worked out okay for.

Waywards are all selfish (myself included), so we all could display symptoms of narcissism and other personality disorders. Doesn't mean we really have any of them, but I can see where that perception could be made. We really are only focused on our own wants and needs during an affair. It's disgusting really.

Morecomplete posted 8/22/2018 19:48 PM

Oh well! Iíll have to live with my vision of her huge marionette folds In her face changing into deep wrinkles as her goofy grin faded the morning I FaceTimed her from his phone and shouted ďbustedĒ. Her boss was in the car.

Your answer helped me a lot actually because you were able to generalize it so well and Iím sure it helped someone others too. I wouldnít have called us acquaintances at all but we had exchanged Christmas cards for years (photos so she could at least put a face to my children and I) and when I had given birth (six weeks before she began sending my husband suggestive photos of herself) she had gone in on a group gift. So I wasnít entirely nameless and faceless either.

On the subject of narcissism in relation to her. I actually came to believe that less from the texts between them and more from this group text thread WH and AP participated in.

mantorok posted 8/24/2018 04:55 AM

I have a question for WS whose BS went down the D route and you continued the A:

How did you feel during this period? Did you still feel regret even though continuing the A?

Dragonfly123 posted 8/27/2018 03:16 AM

Hey all, really hoping someone can give me direction. My WH and I are separated but have a huge amount of civil friendly contact due to our small children. He is still seeing the AP. In the last few weeks he has started to realise the gravity of his actions and last night I had a very distressed phone call with him. He talks about feeling like he's destructive, he has cut down his visits to the AP as he feels like he's questioning the soulmate narrative andnow realised he doesn't love her, he says he loves his family and misses us dreadfully and that he hates the man he has become, he's very very distressed about what he has done to the children. I am very aware about the need to protect myself and our babies and the need for full remorse and a safe partner and there's no way I'm letting him back in (right now, I have no clue what the future will bring)... but that doesn't stop me worrying about him. What advice should I give him? What are his starting points? I've advised him to read the spouse and healing book by macdonald... (can't remember the title) but that seems more about me and healing me than about his depression and how he sees himself. He doesn't want to take pills although is starting to accept he may be depresssed. We've talked about healthy/unhealthy behaviours and starting to think about those and his why's and how's. Any thoughts on starting points?

Lucky77 posted 8/27/2018 05:07 AM

Hi Dragonfly

I really benefitted from Not Just Friends by Glass and all of the work done by Dear Peggy. Keep him away from Esther Perel. Sounds like he would benefit from IC too. Nonetheless if heís a reader, getting educated on what he has done is a start. As a first time wayward itís so useful to know our shittty behaviors have been done by countless others and there are some real ways to fix our shit and heal ourselves.

MrsWalloped posted 8/27/2018 08:26 AM

Dragonfly123,

Personally, I think youíll get better answers if you post this in General.

From what Iíve read here, while he may be sincere, it may also be that his AP is dumping him or the spark has worn off in that relationship and itís not all he thought it would be and you are simply plan B for him. So he says all the right things to get back into your good graces. I would be very careful.

I think it would be a good idea to post this where other BSís can see this and offer their insights and experience.

[This message edited by MrsWalloped at 10:08 AM, August 27th (Monday)]

Darkness Falls posted 8/27/2018 10:03 AM

Dragonfly,

IMO the best starting points are IC and ending the affair. He might need IC *to* end the affair, or he might have the fortitude to end it and then do IC. But those are where Iíd suggest he start.

Dragonfly123 posted 8/27/2018 11:48 AM

Lucky... thanks for that. I've suggested both to him. It's up to him now to read them. While heavily involved with the affair you could see the shutters come down when I talked about researching affair psychology but those seem to be up... but you can lead a horse to water...

Mrs Walloped... I chose not to post in general as this really was just one for the WS. We're no where near reconciliation and that's not even on my radar ATM. He knows this and is telling me he wants to fix himself but doesn't know where to start. I've seen a social media post from the AP and been witness to a barage of 'ignored by him' phone calls to think he's probably telling the truth. He describes a disconnect with her and her not understanding that as, she thinks because I give him so much access to the children (including days out together), he shouldn't be missing his family and should be loving every moment of their relationship.

Darkness Falls... totally in agreement I have mentioned both to him and from what I'm witnessing ending it is where it's going. He's ignoring texts and calls and she's obviously unhappy with what's going on.

Thank you so much all... I am worried about him as I know he's a good man and he is very very low, describes hating himself and is very angry at the way he's behaved. I'm putting myself and children first and protecting us but I don't like seeing him in pain, even of his own making.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 12:20 PM, August 27th (Monday)]

NewManToday123 posted 8/27/2018 15:54 PM

WSs

What do you DO and SAY to your betrayed spouse to help them recover from having sex with another person many times ? Are there things you can SAY and DO to make them feel less rejected or better than the AP ?

[This message edited by NewManToday123 at 3:55 PM, August 27th (Monday)]

Darkness Falls posted 8/27/2018 16:04 PM

What do you DO and SAY to your betrayed spouse to help them recover from having sex with another person many times ?

Nothing.

Are there things you can SAY and DO to make them feel less rejected or better than the AP ?

No.

NewManToday123 posted 8/27/2018 16:10 PM

Darkness:

So you cheat on your husband making him feel rejected and emasculated and you do and say nothing to help him ?

Brutal.

[This message edited by NewManToday123 at 4:18 PM, August 27th (Monday)]

MrsWalloped posted 8/27/2018 17:01 PM

NewManToday123,

Welcome to SI.

If youíre a new BS, you may find the help you need in the JFO forum. You may find that more valuable than simply taking shots at a WS who was gracious enough to answer your questions.

NewManToday123 posted 8/27/2018 17:11 PM

MrsWalloped

I do not think it is "taking a shot" calling the action of doing or saying nothing to help a betrayed spouse after cheating on them brutal. It is a statement of fact.


Are you arguing it is NOT brutal to do nothing for the BS after the WS cheats on them ? Is that ethically acceptable ?

Darkness Falls posted 8/27/2018 17:12 PM

Well, we are reconciled and remarried, so his is the opinion that matters, not an anonymous posterís on the internet.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 5:13 PM, August 27th (Monday)]

MrsWalloped posted 8/27/2018 17:28 PM

I do not think it is "taking a shot" calling the action of doing or saying nothing to help a betrayed spouse after cheating on them brutal. It is a statement of fact.

It is in a thread that is designed for BSís to ask WS questions.

Once again, you have 3 total posts, all of them here. Perhaps youíd be better served posting your story in JFO or General to get the help and advice you need? Or, please continue to post questions here if you wish. I just donít think youíll get very far if all you do is insult someone who was kind enough to answer your questions just because the answer didnít suit you.

NewManToday123 posted 8/27/2018 18:20 PM

My thread was jacked so I am going to repost a very simple and pertinent question addresses to WSs from a BS:

WSs

What do you DO and SAY to your betrayed spouse to help them recover from having sex with another person many times ? Are there things you can SAY and DO to make them feel less rejected or better than the AP ?

Darkness Falls posted 8/27/2018 18:41 PM

My thread was jacked

Um....no....itís actually our thread and you are a guest on it, FYI.

NewManToday123 posted 8/27/2018 18:52 PM

Darkness

According to the description at the head of this thread it is for "betrayed spouses to ask questions of wayward spouses. Betrayed spouses are not to answer questions on this thread"

No thread ownership is stated.

Butforthegrace posted 8/27/2018 18:57 PM

Newman: This thread is for BS's to ask question of WS's, as you note. However, there is a huge amount of context that you -- meaning you personally, not "one" -- need to know in order to understand the response of a specific WS. The history of Darkness Falls' relationship is unique and interesting. Her answers are only meaningful if you know it. Same with Mrs. W.

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