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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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MidnightRun posted 7/20/2018 21:19 PM

Hikingout

You mentioned that on d-day a parent-child dynamic came into play on your part.

How was your upbringing with your parents, particularly your father?

WilliamM posted 7/21/2018 19:28 PM

In some cases, a wayward spouse would have to end friendships and family relationships with those that supported the affair. How did you address ending those relationships? How did that conversation go? Also, if you did tell friends and family of the affair, how did you do this and how did it go?

islesguy posted 7/22/2018 07:52 AM

Ilovemykids

Was it easy to lie to your spouses face when they were suspicious? Is it easier to continue lying in order to not cause any more hurt?

Even though I lied to my BS for many years and it was a very common thing for me to avoid being questioned and I used it very much as manipulation, I wouldn't say it was easy. It came with a lot of guilt even at a time when I didn't understand how much of a liar I really was. I lied to my BS in so many disgusting and disturbing ways to the point of fabricating stories and scenarios to provide explanations. I did also convince myself that the continuation of the lies after dday was to not cause any more hurt like you said, but that was another lie, this time to myself. My lies were to protect myself and not my BS, she wanted and pleaded for the truth and I denied that because I was a coward who didn't want to deal with the consequences of my actions. It got more and more difficult to lie a time went by because I had more and more guilt and because there had been so many lies that when I was telling the truth it was now very often in conflict with the lies of the past.

Emotionalhell posted 7/22/2018 07:54 AM

Why love bomb the BS? If you love bombed the BS durning the A have you realized it is hard to know whether or not your actions are true now.

islesguy posted 7/22/2018 08:07 AM

Estirpe

Does minimizing make you feel less bad for what you did or maybe you think your spouse will look at you differently?

Yes, although it seems ridiculous minimizing did make me feel less bad and was a way to try to manipulate my BS. I minimized a lot of things that obviously don't make any logical sense. For example when I first finally after almost 20 years admitted that I had cheated when we were dating, I told her it was with 2 girls instead of 3 as it 2 would somehow be more acceptable in her eyes. I can't explain it other than to say it was very emotionally driven and not at all logical. It was a fear of consequences, it was protecting myself, and most of all it was trying to preserve the false image that my BS had of me. I didn't deserve the image she had of me but yet still tried to do everything I could to protect it because I had such little self esteem and didn't want to have to face the true definition of myself. For me minimizing was a big part of the process of eventually accepting myself.

[This message edited by islesguy at 8:22 AM, July 22nd, 2018 (Sunday)]

Wenda posted 7/22/2018 13:28 PM

Hi Hikingout. I probably did misunderstand what you were saying. I now get what you are saying...it was one person, but multiple betrayals. I have to say thank you for taking the time to reply. You have helped me a lot.

I think I read in one of your posts that you thought you were a shrew? I was the shrew in my marriage, yet I am the BS. It just goes to show it can work both ways.

I didn't appreciate my husband. I know that now. Only because someone else appreciated what a good man he is. It is a shame it got to that point. But that was probably how you felt in your marriage as well?

My husband was the man who would never cheat...until pushed to the limit. Was this how you felt?

Wenda posted 7/22/2018 14:02 PM

Hi Islesguy. I wish I could figure out how to cut and paste a quote from a previous conversation.

So you minimised what happened to your BS to make yourself feel less bad about yourself? My husband was so upset when he had to admit recently that he had been on other 'dates' with the other woman that I did not know about.. He said he didn't want me to know that. From what you have said, it sounds like you didn't want the shame.And of course as you have said that you were trying to hold on to the false image you had of yourself. I think that is the same for him. My husband told me he didn't want me to know about the 'date' nights. So does this mean he holds me in high esteem? Ot that he thinks Im a fool?

You had such a low self image of yourself.That is such an honest and truthful message, And I think that was my husband's problem as well. He had self esteem issues and was vulnerable. Not to make excuses, but people are human.

islesguy posted 7/23/2018 00:16 AM

Wenda,

you were trying to hold on to the false image you had of yourself. I think that is the same for him. My husband told me he didn't want me to know about the 'date' nights. So does this mean he holds me in high esteem? Ot that he thinks Im a fool?

I am not sure what his view of you is, I can say from my perspective that I was very concerned about what my BS would think of me and I never ever thought of her as a fool. She looked in my eyes with unconditional love and admiration and although I very much took it for granted I also didn't want to lose that, which I know sounds ridiculous now because I never deserved it in the first place. At the same time I certainly didn't want the consequences of my actions either. It would be interesting to know how your husband was with others? Did he lie in the same way to his parents when he was younger? I did and was never called on it, my Mother used to praise me as the trustworthy son, which was again undeserved and I went through great lengths with lies not to lose that label from her as well. It is all a very selfish and self absorbed attitude that was again very much tied into my lack of self identity and lack of self esteem.

hikingout posted 7/23/2018 14:29 PM

I think I read in one of your posts that you thought you were a shrew? I was the shrew in my marriage, yet I am the BS. It just goes to show it can work both ways.
I didn't appreciate my husband. I know that now. Only because someone else appreciated what a good man he is. It is a shame it got to that point. But that was probably how you felt in your marriage as well?
My husband was the man who would never cheat...until pushed to the limit. Was this how you felt?


No, I am thinking that shrew thing must have been another poster. I don't feel like someone gets pushed to their limits to cheat. I think often there can be turmoil in the WS's life or marriage but that's not license to cheat. There are way better ways to cope. You can't own the A for your WH. You can own some of the pre-A issues, but the A is 100% on the wayward.

hikingout posted 7/23/2018 14:31 PM

Hikingout
You mentioned that on d-day a parent-child dynamic came into play on your part.
How was your upbringing with your parents, particularly your father?


My father wasn't super involved with us in discipline or things of that nature. I lived in an era where the man worked and supported his family and the mom stayed home and took care of the kids.


Parent/child dynamic really just equates to people pleasing. My people pleasing does have FOO roots, and I have carried that into my adult life in spades. When you are a people pleaser ANY time you disappoint someone I do think that dynamic comes out. And, this was the ultimate disappointment.

MidnightRun posted 7/23/2018 19:05 PM

Hikingout,

Thank you again.

Marcy70 posted 7/24/2018 13:20 PM

Wenda,
I was the “shrew.”
—Marcy

Marcy70 posted 7/24/2018 13:37 PM

if a WW is guilt ridden during the A, what are some of the reasons she keeps going back?

I was not guilt ridden, but I knew what I was doing was wrong. In general, a WW (or WH for that matter) keeps going with the affair Because she is getting something she wants/needs from the affair. In my case, Validation, ego kibbles, attention, escape from unhappy circumstances. I had to dig and understand why did I need those things so badly. Why could I not validate myself? Why was my husband’s attention not enough? Why did I constantly try to escape unhappiness instead of make changes that would help?

Evertrying posted 7/24/2018 14:26 PM

Question.

Did you ever feel you got yourself into the A and didn't know how to get out of it? My H told me in the beginning of the A he knew it was wrong and thought many times of ending it. As time went on, and the more distant we became he didn't want to end it.
After dday, he didn't know how to get out of it as he isn't good with ANY kind of confrontation. He did end it and his AP was PISSED at him. Did any of you feel that way and why?

[This message edited by Evertrying at 5:37 PM, July 24th (Tuesday)]

islesguy posted 7/25/2018 00:42 AM

Evertrying,

I made the terrible choice to tell my BS that I was entitled to have a "friend" when she found out that I had been having a 3 month EA with a coworker (which started with a physical encounter). I did this for 2 reasons. 1) I was trying to prove the lie that she was just a friend as my BS didn't know that I had done anything physical and didn't know the contents of the phone calls. 2) I was afraid of the OW. She was pressing me to tell my BS that I should be allowed to have a friend and I didn't know what she would do or say to my BS as retaliation. After an ultimatum from my BS I told the OW that I would not be talking to her anymore and then I lived in great fear of OW. I am also very very much someone who has always wanted to avoid controversy at all costs which also played a role.

hikingout posted 7/25/2018 10:09 AM

Evertrying,

If it had gone on much longer I could see that setting in, yes. I think a LTA would be hard to maintain in many ways because it would become more complicated, require more lying. The A was two months for me, and I could not envision keeping that up, the energy of it, the cognitive dissonance, and in many cases I imagine the AP becomes more demanding.

EvolvingSoul posted 7/26/2018 19:30 PM

Hi williamM,

In some cases, a wayward spouse would have to end friendships and family relationships with those that supported the affair. How did you address ending those relationships? How did that conversation go? Also, if you did tell friends and family of the affair, how did you do this and how did it go?
AP and I had a social life together through his family and his work and through an online game that we both played. All of those relationships ended abruptly. None of them were relationships that BS was a part of so for the most part I just disappeared from them. I don't know what AP ever told them about where I went or why.

There was one exception of a person that I had been friends with in the game before I ever met AP and in fact she was the person who introduced us "in game" and it was that in-game relationship that became an out-of-game EA and eventually PA. I tried to just never contact that person again but eventually she called me to ask if I was just never going to talk to her again and I had to explain to her that, yes, that was the case. She did not take it well, called me names, asked for a gift her dad had given me back, etc. In fact the first post I ever made to SI was after that phone call because I was feeling pretty disoriented and upset by it.

My BS spilled everything to my family on D-day. I was freaking out and basically ran away from everything and everyone and was AWOL for about half a day. He called my parents and sister in another state and told them what had happened and asked them to contact me to give me support and talk me down from whatever ledge I seemed to be crawling out onto. There are no secrets in my family so pretty much everyone knows. I visited them for a week after D-day while trying to figure my shit out and yeah it was hella embarrassing. I was a wreck and they had a front row seat. My sister I credit with convincing me that I should not leave BS for AP, at least not until I had given reconciliation a try. I cannot ever thank her enough for that.

Later in the reconciliation process my family knowing actually became problematic as they were not on board with the long timescale for healing. My parents did the whole rugsweep thing with my mom's first infidelity and then the pick-me dance with her second so they weren't on the same page and I found myself defending BS against their criticism quite a lot.

MoreThanBroken posted 7/26/2018 20:17 PM

Is it hard to look at pictures around the time of the affair and not be immediately reminded of the affair?

Whenever Facebook memories pop up or I see pictures that we took during her affair, I can't really enjoy the picture...or even the memory, it's more like "Oh there we are in Disney World in 2012...a few weeks ago she fucked that dude and then she fucked him again soon after we got back."

BlueIris posted 7/26/2018 21:21 PM

WSs,

- If your A was with someone who was much more attractive than your BS (and I don't mean in a foggy way, but in what society would consider more attractive - think voluptuous porn star vs plain housewife), and if the AP's appearance was a key part of your attraction to her (or him), how hard was it to convince yourself to stay in the M after discovery? Perhaps this is more applicable to WHs?

- (Related to the above), if your AP was much more attractive than your BS, do you ever find yourself missing that aspect of sex - the visual appeal?

- If your A was heading toward exit A territory, but was discovered before you felt confident enough to leave, how hard was it to stay?

- If your spouse was, in fact, Plan B, but a relationship with the AP wasn't going to work out after all, do you ever have regrets about staying? Does your BS struggle with this knowledge and if so, how has it affected your R?

I know these seem pretty specific and maybe not applicable to many of the WSs here. If they do apply, I would really appreciate hearing from you. Or if you think you might be able to help, I'd welcome hearing from any WS who might have any input anyway.

EvolvingSoul posted 7/26/2018 21:36 PM

Hi MoreThanBroken,

Is it hard to look at pictures around the time of the affair and not be immediately reminded of the affair?
Yeah it is but even more difficult are the photos and drawings I have from before when the affair started. I look at me or BS in those photos and my heart breaks for us both, knowing what was to come and that it would be my doing.

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