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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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WilliamM posted 7/10/2018 20:22 PM

We hear WWs talk about a lack of emotional connection with their spouse and that sex was not what they were seeking. What made you feel that the emotional connection was lost? Why are so many BSs blindsided with the knowledge that the connection was lost? What did the AP do to connect? Was that connection fantasy or real? How did/are you reestablish this connection with your spouse?

[This message edited by WilliamM at 8:28 PM, July 10th (Tuesday)]

doigoordoistay posted 7/11/2018 12:11 PM

Darkness Falls

He might want to consider IC. If he doesn’t want to R anymore that’s cool, but he really needs to find a less passive-aggressive way to go about it.

I agree. I mentioned that. He told me at first he wouldn't go to counseling, actually he screamed at me that he wasn't going, but I've been hearing through the grapevine that he's now considering it. For myself I decided it was a good idea. I told him I'm no longer focusing on us, just me so that no matter where we end up I'll be OK. So for now, I'm not going to worry about what he is doing/not doing. I've been in this funk too long, it's time for me to make myself whole. Thank you for the reply.

BrainFreeze posted 7/11/2018 13:34 PM

WS responses only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:41 AM, July 17th (Tuesday)]

Darkness Falls posted 7/11/2018 13:46 PM

We hear WWs talk about a lack of emotional connection with their spouse and that sex was not what they were seeking.

Just to clarify, I was seeking sex in addition to the emotional connection--the affair was a means to test-drive a reattempt at a relationship with my ex without having to pull the plug on my M first--really shitty.

What made you feel that the emotional connection was lost?

At the time of the affair it wasn't lost so much as it was simply never as much there as I would have liked/as it was there with the ex.

Why are so many BSs blindsided with the knowledge that the connection was lost?

I can't speak for any other BS so I have no idea what or why "so many" of them think. My husband would not have been blindsided--he knows very well and has always known that he is emotionally unavailable.

What did the AP do to connect?

He was just who he was. I had been in love with him during our dating relationship and I still was.

Was that connection fantasy or real?

It was real.

How did/are you reestablish this connection with your spouse?

We are reconciled and remarried, but our connection is actually even worse than before the affair (which began almost 9 years ago). Our lives are full of a.) work and b.) raising very young children, one of whom is special needs. Our connection is primarily as friends and coparents. Someday, hopefully, there will be time for "us."

Barregirl posted 7/11/2018 15:52 PM

We hear WWs talk about a lack of emotional connection with their spouse and that sex was not what they were seeking. What made you feel that the emotional connection was lost? Why are so many BSs blindsided with the knowledge that the connection was lost? What did the AP do to connect? Was that connection fantasy or real? How did/are you reestablish this connection with your spouse?

I may not be the best WW to answer this one. My A was all about the sex. I have no connection to my AP at all. That being said, there was no emotional or physical connection between my H and myself. We had sex less than 10 times per year and never put our phones down. My BH was completely not blindsided by our lack of connection. We had discussed it ad nauseum to no avail. Nothing ever changed. After dday, my H and I began the hurculean task of rebuilding our M. We are both in IC, have rules such as no phones in the bedroom, and have worked out the physical kinks so to speak. We both make it a point to initiate intimacy multiple times a week, and we talk to each other. We try not to talk about the A before bed (but sometimes we do), but we set aside time to talk about our feelings. I hate what I did and who I became during that time and am now working toward being worthy of his gift of R.

MoreThanBroken posted 7/11/2018 19:12 PM

When you started your affair, did occur that you were engaging in something that would stick with you? To clarify, did you think "I'm now a cheater, this is who I am"

Darkness Falls posted 7/11/2018 19:16 PM

Yes. Perhaps I don’t understand the question but I knew the definition of “cheater”, “adultery”, “affair”, etc. before I did it. It certainly wasn’t a good decision but believe it or not I’m actually a really bright person overall.

As I said, maybe I just don’t understand the question.

FightingBack posted 7/12/2018 06:56 AM

My WS has always claimed that he felt no emotional connection to his MOW, nor did he have any internal conflict during the A years, nor did he have any worries or even considerations as to possible fallout/consequences.
I still have a very hard time understanding and believing this.

He admits now, that this behaviour was “beyond terrible” but his ability to compartmentalize a double life to that extent seems even beyond typical wayward capabilities. Any thoughts? Thanks

islesguy posted 7/12/2018 10:05 AM

MoreThanBroken,

When you started your affair, did occur that you were engaging in something that would stick with you? To clarify, did you think "I'm now a cheater, this is who I am"

No, not at all. Because I had minimized all of my actions (it was just making out, it was just flirting, it was just dancing, it was just sexual talk, it was because I was drunk, etc.) I never associated myself with a cheater. In fact, I was truly disgusted with my sister in law who cheated on my brother, but never associated myself as the same as her. It took many many years to accept myself as a cheater and know that this is a label that is a part of me for the rest of my life.

hikingout posted 7/12/2018 14:06 PM

We hear WWs talk about a lack of emotional connection with their spouse and that sex was not what they were seeking. What made you feel that the emotional connection was lost? Why are so many BSs blindsided with the knowledge that the connection was lost? What did the AP do to connect? Was that connection fantasy or real? How did/are you reestablish this connection with your spouse?


Hi William,

We lost it for a lot of reasons. One, my husband is not in touch with his emotions. When I tried to have those types of conversations, he shut down and thought I was trying to be negative. I wasn't trying to be negative, I was trying to work through something, but he always saw it as I was trying to "make a problem where there wasn't one". For over a year prior to the A we were both working on his new business on top of home stuff and two full time jobs between us. We had an employee/employer dynamic and conversations I would start about being overwhelmed were greeted with "if you want this to work out for us (meaning the business), then this is what it takes. You will find a way to make it work". Date nights were business errands maybe with some food out mixed in. It was a difficult time.

That's not to say the A had any excuse, but that is how we lost our emotional connection.
I don't think he was blindsided that I said that the connection was lost, I think he didn't know how miserable I was with the way things were going, but no he wasn't surprised with that. Blindsided by the affair - yes, he was. We'd had other periods of time in our marriage that was like that and an A was the last thing on my mind or his, so I think he was blindsided on how different of a reaction I was having this time around.


The AP connected by making me feel like a desirable, interesting woman. He noticed things, and I felt seen and heard. Was the connection a fantasy or real? I am going to say both. It was real to me at the time but with a lot of denial mixed in. It was a fantasy and a lie at the same time because if we were serious about it we would have gone about it the right way. Neither of us were, we were just cake eating. So, nothing could be real or profound about it. Concentrated attention was just powerful to me at the time, and I was escaping myself and my responsibilities.


I am re-establishing my connection with my husband by being more authentic and verbal about things that are bothering me, not just trying once and when the reception is poorly received, abandoning the effort. We spend a lot of time together now. I run errands with him I wouldn't have before because we were being efficient with divide and conquer. He hired someone to do the task-based aspects and I have stepped back from the business. I am only involved when he has major decisions to make and we talk through those together. We make love a lot. We have private inside jokes we didn't have before. We make each other laugh. We talk about every thing in our individual world. We make sure we're making a weekend of shared experiences about once a month and we've taken up two hobbies together. He still struggles with emotional conversation, but I don't push him and I approach it differently. We are very intentional, which sometimes I do miss all the natural ways we'd connect at the heart before, but the being intentional have helped us begin to create a more rich companionship.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:07 PM, July 12th (Thursday)]

Wenda posted 7/12/2018 22:21 PM

Did you lie about having only an emotional affair? Was it physical? Why did you lie and why not just tell the truth?

islesguy posted 7/13/2018 00:07 AM

Wenda,

Did you lie about having only an emotional affair? Was it physical? Why did you lie and why not just tell the truth?

Yes, I lied and minimized it all. It was physical at first followed by an EA of sexual innuendo. I lied because I was still very much in self denial about how wrong everything I did was. I was now exposed and I didn't want to face the consequences so I made up stories, minimized everything, and blamed everything but myself for it all. I lied because that is how I had always dealt with problems and it had always worked out for me. I lied because I was more concerned with the outcome of what would happen to me than being concerned about what my BS now has to deal with.

Chaos posted 7/13/2018 13:03 PM

Maybe this has been asked before and I just missed it [or wasn't ready for it].

For those WS who were involved in more than a ONS and [claim] you didn't want to lose your spouse/family, that you loved your spouse/family, that you realized that you couldn't keep doing this - why didn't you just stop?

My WS is working on his whys. I've come to accept the fact that this is a process. That getting to the whys of the initial whys takes serious and deep soul searching. And even then the true why may be even deeper than that. He is doing his work.

But for those WS who are farther along - why when you were in the A, come to a point you think "I can't keep doing this" and/or "I love/want my spouse and family and don't want to lose them" why didn't you just stop?

It haunts me. And I really want...no need to know...

MidnightRun posted 7/13/2018 17:25 PM

What was your bs's last trigger?

Darkness Falls posted 7/13/2018 17:27 PM

What was your bs's last trigger?

Since my husband has never once told me about even ONE in over 8 years, I’d have no clue.

ff4152 posted 7/13/2018 22:18 PM

Chaos

You have heard the term fog mentioned on SI? Part of the reason many WS don’t stop. You get so caught up in those emotions and feelings of something new and exciting that it becomes easy to throw caution to the wind. This certainly is no excuse, I’m just trying to paint a picture of the WS mindset.

In my case, I had been married for a long time. Life had become routine. I had shitty boundaries to start with so when an exgf messaged me on FB, I plunged headfirst into the abyss. For a long time, I never wanted it to end but of course I didn’t want to give up my family either. Of course just by having the A, I was essentially doing that anyway.

Finally I did stop on my own. I found SI and ended my A about 10 days later. I do know it was such a relief to have stopped but that feeling was slowly supplanted with the horror once I finally began to grasp what I had done.

I hope that helps a little.

islesguy posted 7/14/2018 08:07 AM

Chaos,

For those WS who were involved in more than a ONS and [claim] you didn't want to lose your spouse/family, that you loved your spouse/family, that you realized that you couldn't keep doing this - why didn't you just stop?

I believe it is all about how the WS rationalizes things that allow it and this is part of the WS fog. I cheated on my BS when I was in college because I allowed myself to believe that it was just making out and because I was drunk, each time was a different girl. I knew it was cheating but excused myself because I put the blame on immaturity, alcohol, etc. I cheated after I was married with the same excuses, even though I was in my 30s, I was out drunk in a bar with friends and crossed the line with a coworker. I knew how much I screwed up and freaked out that I had done something physical with her but that didn't stop me from getting involved in a sexual innuendo filled EA with her which I also rationalized as not a big deal because it was just talk. In my opinion it is all about wayward thinking which includes things like poor or no boundaries and the ability to rationalize everything. Yes, I did think of what I did as not as bad as being in an ongoing physical infidelity relationship, which was part of my minimization and rationalization of what I did do. I suspect those who have one night stands would be thinking along these same lines.

Wenda posted 7/14/2018 18:45 PM

Thank you islesguy.

Another question for WS: did your affair partner manipulate you in any way?

Darkness Falls posted 7/14/2018 18:48 PM

did your affair partner manipulate you in any way?

Not that I was ever able to discern.

Chaos posted 7/14/2018 19:06 PM

Thank you ff4152 and islesguy

I hear what you both are saying. And it is a very similar rationale to what WH told me when he came out of his fog. Particularly along your story - ff4152

I had been married for a long time. Life had become routine. exgf messaged me on facebook

So many similar stories. I appreciate your responses. I'm one of those analytical types who has to have all the details and data. Only then can I begin to process and analyze.

I read the Wayward forum,come to this thread and welcome WS responses in hopes of gaining insight and understanding. I am haunted by what I don't understand. And while I know this is all on my WH, I'm afraid if I don't understand, I can't begin to heal. And I'm afraid I will never understand because it is just something I'd never do - it just ins't in my make up.

I'm hoping that one day, a WS will tell me a perspective or something I haven't thought of yet, or anything that will make the marble fall into the slot of comprehension. OR...am I searching for something that just doesn't exist.

Does that make sense?

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