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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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MidnightRun posted 7/2/2018 06:12 AM

Follow the River,

My wife discussed her foo issues perfunctorily. I would try to delve further, to no avail. I came to learn that, like you, she had assumed I would view her as damaged goods.

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 7/2/2018 13:36 PM

So, my question is to those WS's who weren't caught, but instead came clean on their own. How did you do it? What did you say? Did you prepare ahead of time or was it spur of the moment? Were you doing to get out of the relationship or to reconcile?

I'm just trying to prepare myself ahead of time.

MidnightRun posted 7/2/2018 17:13 PM

Is the love for your bs fundamentally the same, or has it changed?

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 7/2/2018 21:22 PM

MidnightRun, are you asking me? If so, I am the BS, he has been cheating for years and I know but have not confronted himyet.

earlydetour posted 7/2/2018 21:25 PM

For WS's that have anxieties, did you do things with/for your AP that you don't/won't/can't do with your spouse pre/during/post A because your anxieties kick-in? In other words, your anxieties didn't kick-in/were suppressed with your AP. Non-sexual related anxieties, such as fear of flying, fear of heights, fear of hospitals, fear of crowds, etc. Why do you believe your anxieties took a backseat when you were interacting with your AP? Any other uncharacteristic, but positive behaviors related to AP relationship, that in all other aspects and relationships in your life, the anxieties are present?

hikingout posted 7/3/2018 09:38 AM

So, my question is to those WS's who weren't caught, but instead came clean on their own. How did you do it? What did you say? Did you prepare ahead of time or was it spur of the moment? Were you doing to get out of the relationship or to reconcile?
I'm just trying to prepare myself ahead of time.

A had ended almost 2 months before I confessed. I knew I needed to but I wanted to do it correctly and with intention. I read on this site, I went to IC, I read anything I could get my hands on. Probably the best benefit of doing this was I knew not to do any TT. That by confessing and telling all I would be doing what I needed to build trust.


I don't know what I was expecting from confessing. I was still foggy, I wasn't sure what I wanted, but I knew that we had a good marriage before. I didn't know much about my whys at that point. I kept reciting to myself in my head that I had to be willing to lose the marriage to save it. If we were going to have an authentic relationship, or have a divorce, either way he had a right to know.


I didn't prepare much. I prepared the opening of it, kept it short and to the point and then answered questions. It was probably one of the worst days of my life.

hikingout posted 7/3/2018 09:42 AM

Is the love for your bs fundamentally the same, or has it changed?

I don't think you can go through this and not have the love change in some way.

It's deeper for me. I am more authentically myself, we used to mostly talk surface-y things, and I was not in the habit of bringing myself into the light for examination. It's made me more vulnerable with him, and more thankful for him, and more connected. I am purposely more present with him, I put away distractions (especially my phone) and I try harder to be in the moment. I am focused on building, not maintaining and that's a different relationship dynamic that we haven't had since dating.

Barregirl posted 7/3/2018 14:54 PM

MidnightRun, I think that the love for my BH definitely changed. Pre-A we were so completely disconnected in every way. By his grace we have a second chance to have the M we wanted when we first got married. His strength and willingness to remain in the M and work on our issues has given me a respect for him that was missing. He says that my willingness to own my sh*t and put in the work is slowly earning his respect back. Our love is somehow stronger and we are more focused on each other.

gtflng posted 7/3/2018 15:05 PM

first post here. I know it's a lot of WW but thats ok :)

how long until you dropped the defensiveness? or maybe behind that, until you could look in the mirror and really accept that you had an affair because of some pretty massive character gaps? like, OWN it and take action, vs knowing it's true and saying it outloud, but not really, truly getting it.

was that something you experienced? moving from "oh I get it" to.. "oh, okay NOW I get it"? did that change something? (Can you tell I'm needing something from him here..? ha)

my husband is not defensive about the affair. totally owns it. no blame shifting my way. but. theres a bit of defensiveness in general, if that makes sense. his actions sort of show he doesn't fully get that this WAS him, that this IS him. there's a lot of "I know it was me, and my flaws, and it was my choice, and I hate myself for it (blah blah)" but that's sort of... it? I think it's hard to make any real progress when it seems there's this roadblack in really accepting that this was him - not a little compartmentalized part, not a lapse in judgement. but a choice he repeatedly made as the human being he was then and is now. its like he sees that part of him as a sepearate box, which I get to an extent, but.. it's not a separate box. and me discussing this point to death isn't helping.

so follow up question.. what was it that made it click? that you went from 'getting it' to getting it? or am, as a BS, just way off base here?!

i'm rambling. help me, ha!

Darkness Falls posted 7/3/2018 19:45 PM

Midnight,

Itís gone through several changes. Immediately after D-day the old ďyou donít know what you have until itís goneĒ hit and we had HB for a couple of weeks before I moved out and I felt more in love than ever. Then I found out about him and Skank (xBFF) and I wanted nothing to do with him. After awhile I started dating someone else and while a part of me still loved him, I was mostly indifferent. Then we got back together and I realized just how different things wereóthe attraction wasnít the same, I had changed so much both physically (neurological condition) and mentally/emotionally that I felt I had outgrown him, etc. Then we got more comfortable with each other and eventually got remarried and it seemed like things were getting better. Then we went through an AWFUL period where we were sexless and I felt like roommates or brother/sister and I felt like Iíd made a terrible mistake getting back with him, then we had a baby and she was wonderful and our issues were put on the back burner for awhile, then we had another baby and things seem stable and comfortable and happy.

Iíll always miss what it was like at the beginning of our relationship but I know thatís not sustainable.

Emotionalhell posted 7/4/2018 08:30 AM

Waywards have you ever really been surprised by the pain you see in the BS post? Has that given you new insight to what your actions may have caused?

MidnightRun posted 7/4/2018 22:43 PM

Would you feel threatened if your bs wanted to vacation alone?

earlydetour posted 7/5/2018 10:17 AM

For WS's that had an A with an ex of any sort, I'd like to understand your mindset and feelings when you entered into your relationship with your BS. Did you think you were over your ex? If you weren't completely over your ex, did you start the new relationship hoping you'd get over your feelings for your ex at some point? i.e. Were you deceiving yourself about your emotional availability to your BS? Pre-A, did you ever view your BS as a better partner option than your ex or as someone to fill your need to have a partner?

hikingout posted 7/5/2018 11:02 AM

first post here. I know it's a lot of WW but thats ok :)
how long until you dropped the defensiveness? or maybe behind that, until you could look in the mirror and really accept that you had an affair because of some pretty massive character gaps? like, OWN it and take action, vs knowing it's true and saying it outloud, but not really, truly getting it.
was that something you experienced? moving from "oh I get it" to.. "oh, okay NOW I get it"? did that change something? (Can you tell I'm needing something from him here..? ha)
my husband is not defensive about the affair. totally owns it. no blame shifting my way. but. theres a bit of defensiveness in general, if that makes sense. his actions sort of show he doesn't fully get that this WAS him, that this IS him. there's a lot of "I know it was me, and my flaws, and it was my choice, and I hate myself for it (blah blah)" but that's sort of... it? I think it's hard to make any real progress when it seems there's this roadblack in really accepting that this was him - not a little compartmentalized part, not a lapse in judgement. but a choice he repeatedly made as the human being he was then and is now. its like he sees that part of him as a sepearate box, which I get to an extent, but.. it's not a separate box. and me discussing this point to death isn't helping.
so follow up question.. what was it that made it click? that you went from 'getting it' to getting it? or am, as a BS, just way off base here?!
i'm rambling. help me, ha!


I feel like I answered this for Lazurus on the page just prior to this. I think what you are basically asking is how long until you get to remorse? Check my answer there and if you want more information I would be happy to try.

hikingout posted 7/5/2018 11:03 AM

Would you feel threatened if your bs wanted to vacation alone?

No, not at all. I would encourage him to do anything he needed to work on his own healing. Besides, he's not the one who cheated. He's broken no trust at all. I would absolutely have no issue with it at all.

Darkness Falls posted 7/5/2018 13:26 PM

I would like it if each of us could vacation alone once in awhile. Iíd have no problem with it.

Darkness Falls posted 7/5/2018 13:33 PM

For WS's that had an A with an ex of any sort, I'd like to understand your mindset and feelings when you entered into your relationship with your BS.

Did you think you were over your ex?

Nope

If you weren't completely over your ex, did you start the new relationship hoping you'd get over your feelings for your ex at some point?

Yes

i.e. Were you deceiving yourself about your emotional availability to your BS?

Yes

Pre-A, did you ever view your BS as a better partner option than your ex or as someone to fill your need to have a partner?

The latter. I would have preferred to still be in a relationship with my ex if I'd had the choice. It was very wrong of me to date and marry my H under those conditions.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 1:33 PM, July 5th (Thursday)]

MidnightRun posted 7/5/2018 14:18 PM

Waywards, thanks again for continuing to answer the myriad questions, even the minutiae. Your responses has given me invaluable insight into human behavior--and my ex's mindset.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 2:20 PM, July 5th (Thursday)]

Darkness Falls posted 7/5/2018 14:40 PM

Youíre very welcome. Your and othersí questions help me too, to look at things from different angles that I occasionally might not have considered before.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 2:41 PM, July 5th (Thursday)]

earlydetour posted 7/5/2018 20:38 PM

Darkness Falls Thank you for taking the time to provide honest answers my questions.

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