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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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Barregirl posted 6/29/2018 10:25 AM

MidnightRun, I can honestly say that all physical aspects of my relationship with my H have improved by leaps and bounds since dday. On dday, we had one bout of angry, territorial sex, but since then our sex life has been off the charts good. We kiss all of the time. In all fairness though, pre-A we never kissed or had sex. Our kissing was limited to one peck goodbye in the morning and one peck goodnight. So any kissing is fantastic and I am so thankful that my H is willing to build a new M involving physical affection with me.

Brennan87 posted 6/29/2018 15:31 PM


I have not asked that question specifically as until this thread, I hadn't even looked at it her trying to control the narrative, but more the control and power he exerted over her that she will not see. But it makes sense, she's had horrid trauma in her life (of which one I didn't know until the affair was disclosed) and because she re-enacted the affair she could control this time what she gave. But to a large degree, what she gave was the same as what was taken in her traumas. So is it a matter she knew she could say no, but didn't because of the control factor? She was controlling the narrative? Does that make sense?

Regarding your 2nd point, yes, I do believe you are accurate that the deaths had an affect. This really was the perfect storm, (thought I had an affair, which was false), watching her BFF slowly pass away for several years, got into a fight with grandparent due to her car purchase (don't ask) and the other grandparent spiraled emotionally due to the feud. Then a grandparent passed away she was not close too and felt like an outsider to that part of the family. So yes, I can see how all of these can be attributed. I think I get lost in how she says this is what she deserved because she felt worthless, etc. That if that is the mindset, then why is there the did it for attention, it was thrilling, exciting, felt desirable and said/did all these nasty things. My logic (maybe that's the issue) tells me if its "what you deserved", then you face it with resistance, not thrills, etc. make sense?

MidnightRun posted 6/29/2018 19:26 PM

Do you consider yourself in a new marriage, or a refurbished marriage?

Darkness Falls posted 6/29/2018 19:45 PM

I AM in a new marriage, literally. Sometimes it FEELS refurbished, because after all, we were married to each other already. But itís new and itís conducted as such. Iím reasonably transparent out of courtesy, but there are no restrictions on my devices, where I go, what I do, etc. within the bounds of common sense.

WilliamM posted 6/30/2018 10:08 AM

Besides being faithful, what are the areas of fidelity where you have improved? Where do you need more work?

hikingout posted 6/30/2018 10:27 AM


Maybe because we arenít as far out as others but I donít see our marriage in those terms. I am in the same marriage that was always there. One I took for granted and willingly wreaked havoc on. I know to bs folks that the marriage died based on what I read here, but I donít feel that way.

We had a good marriage before, and I see us working towards that again. I know I am a better woman now. I am more mindful of our life together and more cherishing of it. But I have a hard time seeing it as anything else than our marriage for good or for bad.

hikingout posted 6/30/2018 10:38 AM


I am no longer as much of a people pleaser. When I say I put my husband first more it has a different meaning to it than before. I do it under different motivations and with more pureness. My spiritual life has expanded and there is a deeper understanding of my relationship with God, myself, and what nurtures my center of being.

I think an area that I can improve is taking more initiative on hobbies that are separate and my own. I have two new hobbies that my h and I both truly enjoy and we have little trips planned through the remainder of the year. But I need to also nurture something of my own. I have not taken the time away from our time together for fear of making him feel any certain way and that is still a people pleasing mentality. On the other hand I often think I will know when the time is right because I need to focus this time in repairs. Itís a little confusing because I also think this is a repair to myself that needs doing - as part of not getting my feelings from other people. I am not sure if that makes sense.

remorseandgrief posted 6/30/2018 16:26 PM


I, like hikingout, am now less of a people-pleaser. What others think of me is not so important.

I am also more mindful. I try to step back, observe my own thoughts and feelings, think about my husband's thoughts and feelings, think about the issue, think about what is the right thing to do.

I am less emotional, more thoughtful.

We have been reading Epictetus on Stoicism. It is helpful.

Darkness Falls posted 6/30/2018 17:24 PM


Iím more self-confident. My self-esteem no longer depends on how men feel about me. Iím more aware of my strengths and abilitiesóI donít NEED my H to take care of me; I WANT to be with him because our marriage enhances my lifeónot because I canít be alone.

MidnightRun posted 7/1/2018 08:13 AM

When is the last time your bs said "I love you"?

MrsWalloped posted 7/1/2018 09:05 AM

Last night.

Barregirl posted 7/1/2018 09:30 AM

About 5 minutes ago MidnightRun. We have never stopped expressing our love for each other.

WilliamM posted 7/1/2018 10:01 AM

Is there anything from the pre-affair marriage that you loved to do that is now lost?

Darkness Falls posted 7/1/2018 10:42 AM

This morning.

Darkness Falls posted 7/1/2018 10:44 AM


I canít think of anything.

Barregirl posted 7/1/2018 11:36 AM

WilliamM, I can't think of anything that I used to do before that I no longer do. Except use my cell phone in bed with my H. Neither of us do that so we can focus more on each other.

MrsWalloped posted 7/1/2018 13:24 PM

Is there anything from the pre-affair marriage that you loved to do that is now lost?

I no longer go to museums, particularly art museums. I draw and one of my favorite things to do used to be to go to the Met and sit and sketch. Even just walking through was a joy. Iíve been lucky that Iíve been to some of the great museums in the world like the Met in NY, the Art Institute of Chicago, the Getty, the Louvre, the National Gallery in London, and the Musee díOrsay in Paris. But my AP and I went to MOMA together so my husband has a major aversion to art museums now. And I donít go on my own out of respect for him. I get my art fix online now, but itís not quite the same thing.

MidnightRun posted 7/1/2018 22:12 PM

Did your bs suffer adverse health because of your affair? For me,my blood pressure went through the roof.

Followtheriver posted 7/2/2018 00:11 AM


My ex wife, too, failed to divulge completely the extent of her FOO issues. Sad, because I could have assisted her with ic before the affair.

My BH said this exact thing to me when I was facing my FOO in IC. He was hurt and couldn't understand why I did not confide in him the depth of the abuse.

I explained to him that the adults in my life either knew of the abuse and allowed it to happen or just looked the other way. They all knew and did nothing to help except when my mom would pull my stepdad out of my bed because I had school the next day. In fact when it came to my wicked step-monster, opening your mouth made it much worse. So I buried it deep and never really spoke of it.

Also and this is very important. An abused child especially when it involves sexual abuse, carries so much shame and guilt. I believed it was my fault, I deserved all of it. The last thing you ever want to do is talk about it. As an adult you want to leave it in the past, buried deep.

I was also scared that my BH would not understand because he grew up in a wonderful family. What if he blamed me or thought I brought it on myself? I biggest fear was that he would decide that I wasn't worth the trouble, that I was damaged goods. (Sorry I didn't mean to write so much but that was therapeutic for me to put all of this down)

So let me ask you, did you ever try to discuss your WW abuse with her before the A to try and have a better understanding of what happened to her?

WilliamM posted 7/2/2018 01:23 AM

What exactly is a trigger like for a WS? I ask because for a time, the affair was seen in a positive light. How did that positive light turned negative? How does it trigger You? What trigger You? How do you and your BS handle them?

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