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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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MrsWalloped posted 6/21/2018 00:15 AM

Forgive and second chance are two different things. I got a second chance. I have not been forgiven.

But, to answer the spirit of your question, I know how it sounds but my standards are still my standards. I havenít relaxed those. Yes, itís hypocritical. But I donít believe just because I did something horribly wrong that I now have to accept wrong things from people. However, I am more understanding and sympathetic about how people can do bad things. I still think those things are wrong, I just feel for the person and have a better understanding of how people can screw up more than I might have before.

hikingout posted 6/21/2018 08:38 AM

My answer would be the same as Mrs. Walloped. I think I am more compassionate about human failures. But, that doesn't make things that are wrong suddenly acceptable. It's been a humbling process for me - while I never thought I was perfect I was a woman with strong integrity prior to the affair. You don't lose that baseline internally even if it appears you have externally.

Darkness Falls posted 6/21/2018 09:14 AM

No, I think Iím less so.

MidnightRun posted 6/21/2018 21:08 PM

Because you love your bs, do you ever feel that he/she deserves someone else?

FoenixRising posted 6/21/2018 21:13 PM

Midnightrun- Yes. I do. Mostly because I want him to be happy because I do love him so much. I am not sure that he'd marry me again if he knew what our marriage would be like. I am not sure that I can make him happy. I am not sure I ever could.

Darkness Falls posted 6/21/2018 22:26 PM

No. I donít think anyone ďdeservesĒ anyone or anythingóI think itís all wants and choices. If he wants someone else, he is free to leave and go get it. Same with anything in this world that falls under the umbrella of adult free agency.

From his perspective, nobody else would be the mother of his kids, so heíd never feel the need or desire to look elsewhere. Family is #1 to us.

WilliamM posted 6/22/2018 00:45 AM

What steps have you taken to forgive yourself and heal?

Barregirl posted 6/22/2018 05:50 AM

MidnightRun- I want my H to be happy. Saying that, he deserves me doing the work to help him heal, and for us to work together to repair our M. This is what he has asked me for and I am happy to give him.

WilliamM- forgiveness is hard and I am not there yet. As for healing, I am in IC, I read tons of books and articles on infidelity and acute stress disorder (my diagnosis). My H is actually very helpful as well. He wants me to forgive myself.

MidnightRun posted 6/23/2018 16:20 PM

For those with foo issues, did you and your betrayed ever have significant discussions regarding the matter? I was blindsided by my wife's disclosure of her experience.

Darkness Falls posted 6/23/2018 16:34 PM

Very limited discussions. As you know, he doesnít really care to ever discuss many ďheavyĒ topics. Iíve mentioned things here and there but he has never been my go-to about serious or difficult issues.

MrsWalloped posted 6/24/2018 07:53 AM

For those with foo issues, did you and your betrayed ever have significant discussions regarding the matter?
We talked about my parents and my upbringing lots of times, but we never called them FOO issues or talked about their impact on me or that it affected me in a deep or meaningful way. I mean we talked about how I had promised myself Iíd never be that way with my children and as a mother, showering them with love and being positive and encouraging them was so important to me. We talked about that. But not about how it made me feel or why I might behave certain ways because of it.

Funny thing is (not really, but ya know) we used to joke how it was pretty amazing that I was sane and normal when I had to grow up with parents like mine. Ha. Sure.

gmc94 posted 6/24/2018 08:38 AM

Did you feel any guilt/remorse toward your APs spouse/significant other?
Have any desire/need to disclose or apologize for the A to their spouse/SO?
If so, did you follow thru /contact the BH/BW?
I get the sense that WWs seem to have these feelings more than WHs, wondering why....

Estirpe posted 6/24/2018 09:36 AM

Again thank you ladies for the answers to help us Bs figure out this mess we were dumped into.

Do you guys remember any lines you were fed by AP during the affair, things like "I sleep in a different room", " sex is not good" that made you feel "special and unique" or simply any lines in general?

[This message edited by Estirpe at 9:42 AM, June 24th (Sunday)]

MrsWalloped posted 6/24/2018 09:55 AM


Sorry. My AP lied and told me he was divorced. He was really just separated and going to MC with his wife. So he didnít use the ďIím in a loveless or sexless marriageĒ line on me.


I did. I felt bad for her. Obviously because of my role in their D, but really because he was a serial cheater. I thought he was divorced when I had my A. I gave a half-hearted apology when I found out he was married, but that was out of shock more than any real sense of remorse. However, I agreed to be deposed and testified against him during their divorce. That was the only way I could, in my mind, do something for her even if it wouldnít ever be really enough.

gmc94 posted 6/24/2018 11:21 AM

And that depo mustíve been tough.

Darkness Falls posted 6/24/2018 12:31 PM

gmc and estirpe,

Sorry I canít help with those; my AP was single.

Barregirl posted 6/24/2018 13:13 PM

My AP was also single.

MidnightRun posted 6/24/2018 13:17 PM

After d day, has your spouse ever asked, point blank, "Who are you?"

Darkness Falls posted 6/24/2018 14:42 PM

I think maybe he did, early on? I donít remember but it sounds familiar.

journey posted 6/24/2018 14:54 PM

Because you love your bs, do you ever feel that he/she deserves someone else?

Yes, he deserves someone he can trust completely, be himself around, be vulnerable with, someone who loves him better, someone who makes him feel secure, makes him feel better when they are together. All the things I WAS to him. He deserves to start over without tainted memories, without the pain that hits out of nowhere, without the triggers, without the mind movies. He deserves all this and more. But he chose me, chose to give me a second chance, I know it will never be the same but I have hope that it will one day be more.

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