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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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islesguy posted 5/21/2018 08:02 AM

MidnightRun

Has your bs specically talked about mind movies?

Yes, in relation to the different ways I cheated as I have described it to her, sexual dancing, making out, lap dances, flirtatious actions, etc. I know she can see these things in her head which doesn't make sense to me because my mind doesn't work that way, but they are vivid, disgusting, and very painful to her.

FoenixRising posted 5/21/2018 10:06 AM

Burninghouseó
Before d day AP and I talked about moving in together. It was very much a plan in my reality but after d day it was no longer for him. There was a brief amount of time that if he had one back to me I would have taken him back but I was still in the fog and completely out of time with reality which is that our feelings werenít true, there was no way it would work, I still loved my husband and am sure Iíd either have come back to him or wished I could go back to him if he had wanted to divorce. Itís a sickness really.

burninghouse posted 5/21/2018 15:29 PM

Thanks Foenix for answering my question. Trying to wrap my mind around this "sickness" as you put it. It still makes zero sense to me. I feel like I'm on another planet, alternate reality or something. I really appreciate your response, thanks again.

MidnightRun posted 5/22/2018 17:58 PM

Did you celebrate a wedding anniversary during the affair?

Darkness Falls posted 5/22/2018 18:39 PM

No. Our second anniversary was a couple of weeks prior to the start of the affair. We had been divorced for 4 months before our would-be third anniversary came around.

Lucky77 posted 5/22/2018 19:04 PM

I had a big, milestone anniversary in the middle of the affair. We travelled on a monumental 5 star trip. I was a huge fraud. Was texting AP the whole time. I want to cringe on every photo I see from that trip. I was not present with my family. I was two time zones away with AP.

MrsWalloped posted 5/23/2018 08:35 AM

Did you celebrate a wedding anniversary during the affair?

Why? Did this happen to you?

MrMagnolia posted 5/23/2018 08:47 AM


For WS I'm curious to know how you felt when you were deceiving your spouse. As in when you lied in order to cover up the affair how did that thought process go? What about when you lied to Questions they asked after D-day?

Compartmentalization is often the answer I get here and if that's your confessional booth truth before final judgment answer...well OK, I'll try to accept that. But will you please help me to understand it?

Did you feel like you were getting one over on your spouse and was there a thrill in that?

MrsWalloped posted 5/23/2018 08:55 AM

My husband was super trusting, which I took advantage of. It wasnít like I rubbed my ha dis together like a cartoon villain and thought that out loud, but I mean i didnít ha e to jump through hoops or come up with excuses or convoluted lies in order to meet my AP. My lies were primarily ones of omission. I used time when I would normally be doing volunteer work, which was a regular thing for me, to meet my AP, so there wasnít a need for me to lie.

I didnít get a thrill from it. Quite the opposite actually. Which is why I became an expert at keeping the two world separate from each other.

My lies after DDay weíre more about not keeping NC and were out of fear more than trying to hold on to a secret or anything like that.

MrMagnolia posted 5/23/2018 09:28 AM

Thank you for the response Mrs W.

I do appreciate it and that you are willing to share but I'm compelled to press you a bit...

My lies were primarily ones of omission.

Were there not some that were more direct? Like your H called you when you were with or going to meet AP and you said you were doing your Charity thing?

I guess I just find it hard to believe that even as separate as you kept those 2 lives you were living that there wasn't more overlap at some point that would have caused you to reflect on your behavior.

I believe you and understand you when you say it was not a pleasant feeling to process that kind of thinking at the time. I am sure it's even less so now. So thank you again for your consideration.

hikingout posted 5/23/2018 09:32 AM

Midnightrun - no anniversary during the A.

For WS I'm curious to know how you felt when you were deceiving your spouse. As in when you lied in order to cover up the affair how did that thought process go? What about when you lied to Questions they asked after D-day?

I didn't think about it, or tried to justify it when I did. I minimized it to myself. My lies were of omission. The AP lived far away so I wasn't having to find excuses to be out or anything like that.

I didn't tell lies after DDAY. I confessed on my own with little to no chance of H discovering it. By the time I did, I had read on here and been to IC so I knew to just rip the proverbial Band-Aid. Besides, I was just so tired of all of it and of myself, I didn't really have a will to lie.

Compartmentalization is often the answer I get here and if that's your confessional booth truth before final judgment answer...well OK, I'll try to accept that. But will you please help me to understand it?

I would definitely say compartmentalization. You tell yourself all sorts of things to minimize/justify what you are doing. Turned off thoughts when you are with the AP (either in physical presence or texting or whatever), and turned off thoughts about AP when with H. H and I were working long hours so we didn't see each other that much, and when we did I would just be present with him. You keep things separate.


Did you feel like you were getting one over on your spouse and was there a thrill in that?

No, I didn't think that way at all. I was hopeful of not being discovered but I didn't really enjoy the lying,.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:33 AM, May 23rd (Wednesday)]

MrsWalloped posted 5/23/2018 09:54 AM

I guess I just find it hard to believe that even as separate as you kept those 2 lives you were living that there wasn't more overlap at some point that would have caused you to reflect on your behavior.

Thereís a lot in that statement that came out over many months of therapy. Sorry, I donít go down this path very often, so I tend to give brief answers that gloss over the underlying issues (here, not with my IC or my BH).

Yes there was overlap, but very little. There were only a handful of times if that many where those kind of calls happened, but my AP and I still did our volunteering too. We didnít stop. We just did a little less of it.

When my A first became physical I didnít handle what I did very well. Yet I did it again. And again. My A was mostly about making myself feel good and valuable emotionally. It wasnít about the sex. When I first had sex with my AP it struck at the heart of how I saw myself and reinforced that horrible self-image. But my EA and the validation I got from him because of the sex counteracted those feelings. But once that was over, those feelings would come back stronger and harsher than before. And so, back to having sex and continuing my A to feel good about myself. So, there were lots of highs and lows. Pretty soon, I learned how to compartmentalize the two worlds because I couldnít handle the roller coaster. So when I was with my AP, I didnít think about anything else and when I was home, I didnít think about my AP. I couldnít handle that.

So in the few instances where there was overlap, my thought process was not to have a thought process. I didnít think about it at all. Intentionally. I just would respond to the text message or have a quick convo and thatís it.

Darkness Falls posted 5/23/2018 10:07 AM

No, I got no thrill out of deceiving my spouse, and I find it bizarre that anyone WOULD (jmho). My thought process at the time was that the deception was simply necessary to carry out the affair, the way going to work was necessary to receive a paycheck and taking a shower even when I didnít feel like it was necessary to keep good hygiene.

I lied, iirc, about two questions on D-day (I donít remember what they were) and corrected those lies within that day. I didnít lie other than that after I was outed.

MrMagnolia posted 5/23/2018 10:42 AM

Thank you, for your responses.

I too find it bizarre, Darkness. Yet, I have seen conversations that indicate that's exactly what my STBXWW felt at times. Conflicted feelings were talked about as well but the "thrill" gained from the risk of being exposed was talked about frequently. It seemed to be enhancing her enjoyment of the situation even though it seemed to cause her "discomfort" at other times.

It's also clear that she was at times thinking about both AP and myself when with the other. That's taken from her words directly from those conversations she clearly never intended for me to find. Anyway, compartmentalization wasn't something that seemed to exist for my STBXWW or if it did it was taken to degree several levels higher than any I've seen discussed openly by WS here. I also saw what appeared to be conflicted feelings and guilt over what she was doing.

In the end, actions speak louder than words and with the way STBXWW went about hers, there's a clearer picture. I believe that part is true of many of you WW here as well both in the A and in attempting to R since, as well.

Thanks for taking the time to respond,

[This message edited by MrMagnolia at 10:47 AM, May 23rd (Wednesday)]

MidnightRun posted 5/23/2018 16:19 PM

Mrs. Walloped,

Yes, it did happen to me. On an anniversary during the affair, she was smiling like a chesire cat. Silly me.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 4:21 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday)]

MidnightRun posted 5/23/2018 16:32 PM

Mrs. Wallop,

I'm familiar with your FOO issue.

You just remarked, "And so, back to having sex and continuing my A to feel good about myself."

Did your children and husband make you feel good about yourself, at least to some degree?

Skittlebug234 posted 5/23/2018 17:45 PM

to those of you who were serial cheaters- or even those with LTAs. When you were cheating and getting away wirh it did you like yourself? I canít wrap my mind around how WS could live wirh his actions

Skittlebug234 posted 5/23/2018 17:45 PM

to those of you who were serial cheaters- or even those with LTAs. When you were cheating and getting away wirh it did you like yourself? I canít wrap my mind around how WS could live wirh his actions

remorseandgrief posted 5/23/2018 17:50 PM

1) How long did it take you to tell everything?
2) What didn't you tell, and why?

It took me 4 years to tell everything. I was scared of my husband's anger. I was scared he would divorce me. I hid my head in the sand. I deceived myself that the last secret (a kiss) was not important.

Finally, when my husband told me that he was serious about divorce, I thought that I had nothing more to lose, so I told him. Of course he was angry and upset, and then expected that in another 4 years I would tell him something else. I was much relieved. I started to feel I had come clean, had begun to climb out of the slime. I think that he might be starting to realize that I have now told everything.

This trickletruth was my biggest mistake in trying to work through everything with him. I sometimes wonder if I could have saved us years in this process if I had come clean sooner.

WilliamM posted 5/23/2018 21:09 PM

Have you truly told everything about the affair? Completely and totally? Or only what you can remember because you hated what you have done that you have pushed much of the affair out of your mind? Or until you saw that your spouse was satisfied about the information they had? If you have not completely told the full story, why not?

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