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Dealing with OC

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Salty16 posted 10/25/2017 10:22 AM

Lex, can I ask what COM is? I am a little lost on that one.

Can Not Believe posted 10/25/2017 10:25 AM

COM - Children of the Marriage

Salty16 posted 10/25/2017 11:21 AM

Thank you :)

Salty16 posted 10/25/2017 13:52 PM

To anyone involved in a current OC issue. No matter if you are BS, WS or OW. (I suppose OM if OC is from a married woman) No potential father should sign a VAP/ birth cerificate until paternity has been established. No, a father does not have to attend appointments, birth, visit in hospital or anything along those lines.
I know if woman is married, the spouse is assumed to be the father... but he does not have to sign if paternity is questioned.

anon03 posted 10/25/2017 17:08 PM

For those of you in this situation did it help for you to get everything off your chest to the OW or just let it go? I hold so much anger and have so much running in my head but maybe I should try and be the mature one but then I think why? They didn't. Should I let her know or keep things quiet in case we have to be involved with her and OC?

threestrepsback posted 10/25/2017 19:28 PM

My heart goes out to all of you! You will survive and find yourself again. Treat yourself with compassion.

I can feel and remember the fear, embarrassment, shock and pain I am reading. For those dealing with the early times - not sure what you want. It will take time. Going through the pain and grieving takes time. As painful as it is now to deal with the situation, it is worth it to work on your boundaries, healing and clarity now. That gives hope for a better tomorrow without left over land mines to deal with in the future. I can say that because I did everything wrong and unresolved issues came back to bite me.

No, I would not give the OW any contact or window into my thoughts, what is going on in the marriage or any chance to try to manipulate decisions. If you feel a burning desire to tell the affair partner something, write it here for us to support you or write it in a journal and burn it.

Discussions and decisions are very personal to your marriage and situation. Only after you decide as a team, there might be a need to inform the OW through legal channels what you as a team have decided. Legal channels only for any $ and dealing with OC.

You get to decide what you need now and baby steps (stress baby steps) for what you are willing and not willing to try in the future. Your spouse gets to decide what is right for them- we donít have control over our spouses actions. The purpose of discussion is to protect your family as best you can and see how you can agree to a goal.

I do suggest strong boundaries of no direct contact with the other affair partner. Easier if there is no contact at all and may be best depending on your feelings and the type of affair partner. Even if there is contact in the future to spend time with the OC, I would have clear boundaries with a slow process after you have a united decision. Clear legal wording followed to the letter that includes how to handle exchanges without affair partner there. Similar to divorce and exchanging at a safe house. It would be worth the cost. Clear plan on to how handle emergency contact, hospitalization, knowing school activities and bills. No personal phone calls to say I want more money for OC to attend private school or you to pay more for activities or car. No matter what the affair partner wants if there is legal parenting time, the wants of the affair partner are not important - as long as the children are safe. The time of the OC with the parent is under the control of the parent that has the child. Your WS should have clarity of their goal. If that includes staying married and time with OC then it happens with full transparency and the WS taking responsibility for the care of the OC and COM during that time. I would not keep them separate to have the COMís resent the situation.

I agree with what has been posted before. No matter what you find is right for you and your situation, you are doing the best you can. There are numerous different paths. Whatever you decide No apologies.

anon03 posted 10/25/2017 20:29 PM

Thank you for your replies. I need tonget back into Ic because each time you ladies post I feel I'm being talked off a ledge of emotions. It's so nice to hear from thkse who have been through it. It's not as easy as "ONCE A cheater always, leave him" Especially since we have a child.

Salty16 posted 10/27/2017 16:46 PM

Anon, I hope you are doing ok. I am glad you found support here :)

anon03 posted 10/27/2017 16:58 PM

I can't even deal with US because he is going back and forth with her on stuff for court. He was told to try and work things out before court so the costs stay down. I HATE that he is talking to her. There isn't a way to have NC when you are trying to save money and not use a lawyer for all of it. I understand it has to be talked about... there is a child and money to discuss afterall. How did you guys handle this? She randomly texts him stuff (almost always just about the child) and he responds and hasnt hidden the text but she also calls on his way home from work too and I dont get to monitor those calls. This is the only real free time he has, his hour drive home and we'd have to take more time out of our family time if he waited but I just don't feel comfortable with these calls and texts even knowing they are just about OC 99%. Any suggestions? Thoughts? I hate feeling like this.

threestrepsback posted 10/27/2017 21:50 PM

Did he decide this? Actions speak louder than words. Your feelings are ok. Listen to them. Take care of yourself

Salty16 posted 10/29/2017 13:00 PM

Anon, I realize I haven't been through this so my ideas are purely just thoughts or speculation.
If I were in your shoes... I would ask my H to tell the OW she needs to stop the calling and texting because he is repairing his relationship with YOU because of what THEY did. He should request she write down her concerns, requests etc as far as the OC is concerned. (or give her a letter so it is in writing and keep a copy... heck even have it notarized. Most banks have a notary... and send it certified mail so she HAS to sign for it and you have proof it was delivered to her)
I understand that any meeting with her cuts into your family time. This should not be something that occurs forever. Once an agreement is in place then contact with her should be minimal at best and in whatever form you put into place.
Once she has all of her requests or proposals written... she can request a meeting that you can attend or a call you can monitor. I suggest your H do the same... write everything down. Short of a life threatening emergency... there should be no reason for her to contact him at this point via call or text. If she claims she wants to let him know the day to day changes a little one goes through... great, write those down too (make a diary) no need to call or text. Sending pics of OC? There ARE kiosks at pharmacies and stores to print pics or put video on CD. Do that... put it in diary.
You as a couple do have options. He shouldn't feel he has to give in to her every whim due to fear of her seeking revenge.
If you have documented proof of his request and his contact with her... it only helps you with the attorney. If you can all come to an agreement on an outline of the terms of support and visitation (if any)... write all of that down too! They can both sign it.
Did the attorney give you any list of things for them to discuss and come to a preliminary agreement?

anon03 posted 10/29/2017 20:27 PM

I totally get what everyone is saying. I just told him he needs to have zero contact with her and get a third party for drop offs and he did kind of have a valid point..i think you guys can help. If we don't have anyone who would be a 3rd party? we live an hour apart. do you hire a baby sitter for the drive or what? uber for a 2 year old alone wouldn't work. he didn't day no he just didn't know how this could work. we got heated and took a break to come back to the discussion. any of you have a suggestion for drop off? emails texts etc are easier to stop or regulate.

Salty16 posted 10/30/2017 06:44 AM

Anon, could the hour be split in half for the drive? Find a sitter (around that 30 minute spot) willing to just be the exchange place which I suppose depending upon your area may or may not be a challenge. Or at the very least... a public or "safe" place for exchange?

lexureyes posted 10/31/2017 10:41 AM

@anon03

You need to figure out what will make you comfortable. The fact that he wants the OC in his life makes your life with him pure hell. I understand wanting to save money, but in the end if it takes money to save your marriage is it worth it. Having contact with OC makes reconciling almost impossible.

Worse case you can act as the in between. At least that way you are aware of what is going on. She should not even have his number!!! This will be so difficult on you, but it is the one way that you will know what is happening or "not happening" between them. Also make sure any communications are in writing, either text or email. That way they can be admitted as proof if necessary. Let me say this one more time..... He is to have no contact what so ever with the OW. He should be bending over backward to make sure you are ok.

I suggest pick ups and drop offs happen at the local police station to insure no drama happens.If you are not able to find a go between, please make sure your WH isn't the person sent. Going yourself is a difficult but viable option. The only time your WH should see this "woman" is in court!

anon03 I hope this helps. Let me know if you need any other ideas!

Salty16 posted 11/5/2017 11:26 AM

Anon, lex has some great advice. I hope you and you H are having some success in finding what makes you as comfortable as possible and helps you continue to R.
I really am sending you thoughts of support and strength.

anon03 posted 11/13/2017 09:26 AM

Spoke to WH and he agreed to ONLY text so I can read everything. No other contact and the texts can only be about OC and the case. The texts have been very few and he has shown them to me when there is one. No other contact. His was not ongoing, it was 3 times, confirmed by both parties so it's not something he has a hard time letting go of or anything. It has been 3 years since it happened and they have not seen each other since.

I find myself feeling bad for the OC. It deserves a dad doesn't it? It's a part of him. Sometimes I think we can have OC in our home and make it work and other times I have a panic attack just thinking about it. OC is my childs brother so I need to get used to the idea unless we hide it from him his whole life. Have any of you allowed OC in the home?

Berly posted 11/13/2017 10:26 AM

anon03 - my husband has a child with his former OW too.

My whole world collapsed when I found put and I was devastated.

However, I think I would have lost even more respect for him if he simply walked out on the child forever. If there's one thing I knew from the beginning, even before I decided to stay with him, it's that it's not the child's fault for any of this.

He wanted to be involved and I decided to give it a try. We now have visitation with the child, every other weekend and I don't "deal with it" - I actually have grown to care for it. The child gets along very well with our children who are not much older and I think we have adjusted pretty good.

That's not to say that things are perfect and I am completely over it. We're still both in counseling, individual and couples, every day we're working on fixing things and regaining trust. Everyday I deal with accepting the fact that my family is different than I imagined because of his selfishness.

My H communicates with fOW only via text, sometimes by phone but only with me present, and I monitor it. When she makes drop offs, I usually watch from the window.

I've never had a "talk" with the fOW and don't really plan to. I realized that there is nothing she can say that would make me feel better about things, so I simply keep it cordial for the child and keep communication to a minimum.

anon03 posted 11/14/2017 13:39 PM

It gives me hope that it is possible. I never want him alone with her so not sure on pick ups yet but we will find a way. I don't want to hate the child and as much as I don't like it he is my sons sibling. I ended up just texting her stating that our kids are siblings and I'm willing to be an adult if she is. She apologized and I told her I didn't want her apology and it didn't mean anything to me. That's all we've said to each other. she wants all of us to sit down before the OC is at our home but until court is finished (which is taking forever!!!!) I don't want to say anything else to her. I told WH she can come to the house one time and one time only to see the place her son will be and that's it. Hopefully that works. Time will tell on all of this and that is the part that is killing me. I want court to be over so we can move on.

Did your Wh meet the child right away or were they older? How did the meeting go? Were you there?

Berly posted 11/14/2017 14:29 PM

For what it's worth, I think you're acting very rational and mature about this. When I first found out, I couldn't imagine even seeing the child (even though I knew that they're not to blame) or the fOW. It definitely took some time while I processed everything and decided I was ready.

The OC in my case was older (5) when I met them (my H has met her before that a couple of times). When I met her, we arranged a playdate (my own kids are not much older), it was me, OH and our kids, they played in the garden and we tried to play it off as just a friendly get together. We did this a few more times before starting to introduce the idea of the OC spending more time. It was a long process definitely, but now the kids get along so well and truly treat and see each other as siblings.

The fOW, she never came to our house to see the space, I can't see why she would do that, of course we have adequate living spaces and she knows that. We sat down once together to discuss the OC coming over and that was it.

anon03 posted 11/14/2017 19:57 PM

im a mom of a young one same age so I just know if want to know where my child was going. I certainly don't feel mature and rational lol. You don't see the crazy! I'm a mess. I flip flop from ok to sad to hurt to rage and I know it's normal and will slowly pass and get better but I'm trying to be strong and take it day by day since thinking of the future was stressing me out. I know I can do today. tomorrow can wait. I wish she would just disappear and not come back to have to deal with her. We are in the early stages and she is dragging out court. she wanted the money and him to not see if so shed get more and not share and was upset that wasn't you g to happen. She is going to make every step difficult.


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