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Long Term Affairs Part 38

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Lorisa posted 10/12/2018 12:45 PM

Best thing, my husband did not come clean, I found kind by reading his emails. Iím staying in the marriage until my son graduates high school. He is trying to r but Iím not so sure I can forgive a 13 year affair. He says itís been done for years but they remained friends via email/texting and meeting occasionally (supposedly no sex). Iím having difficulty forgiving him. It seems like it is getting harder 1.5 years post d day

gmc94 posted 10/12/2018 17:03 PM

Just want to vent about what a complete jack*ass I think my WH is right now.
I'm a sentimental person, so i keep all the my family's old cards, notes, etc. (wanna see the birthday cards my grandma sent me from my whole childhood? Got 'em)
So I came across some old papers and in it were my WH's mother's day card to me and my birthday card to WH from the year his EA went full blown sex PA (their first romantic kiss was 6-24 months before actual sex).
All the gushy stuff I said to him (and him to me)
How much I cherish him and our marriage (and him to me)
I want to barf
the sight of him disgusts me right now - like really disgusts me.
I'm so angry right now... then I get even angrier for being angry, and then it raises another notch for being angry that he made me angry at myself for being angry at him....
The hakuna matata of anger?
Anyhow, just wanted that off my chest.
LTA's suck so completely.... it's so doggone hard when one must speak in YEARS or DECADES of deceit.

sigh.

An hour later during dinner WH says something stupid. I'm so pissed I leave the table and tell him I have to go for a walk. I guess I burned a little energy, but it didn't help as much as I'd hoped... I'm running through the timeline in my mind. We are coming up on 10yr anniversary of 1st sex.... 5yr anniversary of sex while he f*cked up our finances so that I have to skip the birthday party I was FINALLY going to have (had the place & band all ready to go... I've wanted a birthday party since we met. I've asked him repeatedly to put it together [I'm kind of old school - that it's not ok to throw yourself a party]... he's yet to do it. I've thrown him two giant parties. Next year, I don't care about manners - I'm throwing myself a grand old, kick ass birthday party).

Get back about 20 min later. WH asks "what's up"? like we are meeting at a cocktail party. I say I don't know what that means. He says you left and were upset... is there anything you would like to talk about (well, thank you for showing a bit of respect). I don't.

I check my phone (didn't take it on the walk) and there's a text from a mutual business friend: "WH is such an UPRIGHT guy and you 2 are a great pair".

Ugh. I lie about the A
I lie about the suicide....everyone thinks he's had a heart attack.
My "upright" WH receives good tidings and "get well" cards.... I receive another massive f*cking dose of PTSD.
There is NO justice.
I think it's gonna be a xanax kind of evening.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 1:30 PM, October 17th, 2018 (Wednesday)]

amanda123 posted 10/12/2018 22:27 PM

Lorisa, it is extremely difficult to get over anything that has spanned so many years. My Hs LTA was around 16 years. Its hard for me to fathom in my own mind that this was going on for so long. I know for a fact that my H loved OW. Makes it even harder for me knowing that.

gmc94 get if off your chest, nothing better than venting. You throw yourself that big party that you have always wanted! Shame on him for not doing it for you.

steadychevy posted 10/13/2018 06:07 AM

Understood, gmc. I had all of the cards, too from 41 years of marriage. Valentines, birthday, father's day, anniversary. She dated her cards so I know when they were for. There was a year where the cards went from being all about how wonderful I was and how fortunate she was to being cards you might give to a workmate you didn't know and didn't really like. Then they returned to the way they were while she continued with the PA. Don't understand but that's the way it is.

I bundled up all those cards and gave them to her.

Lorisa posted 10/13/2018 06:57 AM

Amanda123, how are you doing now? Does the pain go away?

amanda123 posted 10/13/2018 13:43 PM

Lorisa, At 3.5 years past Dday 2 I have a lot more good days than bad. Unfortunantely I still have some triggers and it sadly doesnt take much for me to go back to those dark times. My H is doing everything to be a better person, he does almost everything I ask, except talk about the A, which is still frustrating for me. I am seeing a counseller so this is helping. I dont take any notice of what people say about time frames for getting over ( I say that term very loosely as I dont know that anyone ever fully gets over it) the A. Everyone's story is different and length of betrayal, and what actually transpired within the relationship, its all relevant to your own story.

steadychevy, cards have always been a big thing for me as well. During the bad years I never even got a card from him. The first one he gave me after the A was over was a huge disappointment. He wrote the same old lines that he did from previous years. Something to the effect of "like a fine wine you get better with age".

steadychevy posted 10/14/2018 09:04 AM

Amanda, cards are a big deal for me. I've spent hours and going to more than one store looking for the "perfect" card to express what I wanted to. I'd often write notes in them, too.

I've got notes from my daughters from when they could barely print. I've got 2 in particular from my youngest daughter that are precious to me. Now I'm getting fridge art from my grandchildren and painted rocks just like their mothers gave me.

amanda123 posted 10/15/2018 20:51 PM

steadychevy, awww that is so sweeet. Yes I still have the very first card my H gave me and we weren't married then. I still have the dress that I wore on our first date. Yes I know I am a huge romaantic at heart. I have the first letter he wrote me as an apology when we had our first big fight. There are lots of firsts in there. He was my first and only. He really did break my heart.

gmc94 posted 10/17/2018 13:42 PM

All the sentimental stuff now takes on such a different meaning.
It just sucks.
For years I kept the outfit I wore on our 1st date.. it may still be in my basement.
And yes, all the cards and letters and little notes.

crazyblindsided posted 10/17/2018 13:57 PM

I think I threw away all the nice cards from him. I broke and threw away our framed wedding photo. Neither of us wear our wedding rings (they were both cut off due to fat fingers) turns out I really enjoy not wearing it anymore.

I try not to look at anything reminiscent of what I thought our M was. The M I thought we were in never existed neither did the man I married.

northeasternarea posted 10/17/2018 15:30 PM

Selecting cards is what is tough for me, since I refuse to give cards with lies.

Bestthing posted 10/17/2018 20:01 PM

Did your WS meet the AP with his wedding ring on? Part of me is glad that he kept it on to remind them that he is married and not about to leave me. The other part of me is grossed out that our wedding ring was there during all the sex acts. It didnít remind him enough to stop. Neither of us wear it now because those rings feel like a lie.

steadychevy posted 10/17/2018 20:10 PM

Yes my WW wore the rings I put on her fingers all of the multiple times they were together. They were so precious to her that, you know, someone would have to kill her if they were trying to get her rings. She said that more than once. Where have those rings been?

I don't wear my ring anymore. It was the symbol of her pledge to me. Meaningless. But I'm divorcing so I don't need a ring and I don't know where it is anyway.

Bestthing posted 10/17/2018 20:22 PM

SteadyChevy,

Sometimes, I envy those who are at a point when they know a fresh start is the right path. Good luck to you!

Svon posted 10/17/2018 22:14 PM

My husband never wore his wedding ring. He is left handed and it bothered him for years. The OW knew he was married as she had once been ďmy friendĒ... more like imposter. Ironically, he wears it now. I told him not to bother. I traded ALL my fine jewelry including wedding rings, solid gold and diamond omega watch, and diamond necklaces for a 30k 9 karat ring. I took out 16k from savings to buy it without consulting him. I wear it on my left finger so people who donít know my story do not suspect anything and I donít have to explain. However, when I leave the house with friends who know, I put it on my right hand as I walk out the door so he knows I am not committed to him. I love him and for now I can tolerate living with him as he is a good Dad and makes a good living... but I am the single most married woman you will ever know. I do as I please.

CaliforniaNative posted 10/17/2018 23:40 PM

My XWH didnt wear his around his AP. He put it back on before he saw me....missing the whole point of what it represented.

Wedding rings donít mean much anymore. I still got hit on wearing mine...even after I tell them I am married they ask ďAre you happy?Ē. Depends on your moral compass I guess.

gmc94 posted 10/18/2018 12:42 PM

Took mine off on dday - will never put it on again.
WH took his off about 6 months later, telling me he understood the old M was dead. I read his journal after his suicide attempt.... turns out that was bullsh*t - he felt "forced" to take off his ring. He can have it. I know where that ring has been - I know whose vajajay it touched. It grosses me out completely.

hopeandhealing posted 10/21/2018 20:04 PM

I too took my rings off after dday,. When I put them back on, a diamond promptly fell out...the irony of that was not lost on me. They opted to recast the rings rather than build up the claws to ensure I didn't lose other diamonds...they haven't fit properly since. I feel strongly the universe is telling me to abandon wearing these rings.

WH said he kept his on to remind his APs he was married and not leaving his wife and family...umm, fairly certain, they didn't care. I bought my WH a new ring before DDay, so this one hasn't touched any vajayjays. He has said he won't take it off until/if I tell him our M is over.

GMC, I apologize if I missed this somewhere, why was it decided to tell people your WH had a heart attack rather than the truth of his choice to engage in self harm behaviours? Why do you have to lie for him? I feel as though that not a burden you should bear, that it will be a massive trigger for you every time. His choice, his truth.

((())) to everyone on here healing from the special shit show that is a LTA.

Svon posted 10/21/2018 20:15 PM

Hopeandhealjng, do you still wear them
Now? I traded mine in and bought myself a ring. Husband knows I will never wear a wedding ring from him again or any ring that represents anything but I nice gesture or gift. He wants to buy me a ďpromise to never cheat on you again ringĒ.... that made me laugh. No thanks.

hopeandhealing posted 10/21/2018 22:01 PM

Svon,

I wear them intermittently, previously I never took them off unless I was required to for sporting events. Now it's hit or miss if I have them on. They mean nothing to me anymore, beyond a promise massively broken. He knows my position on them. I am trying to reframe this symbol, but haven't been too successful thus far. I have gotten much better with photos etc no longer being completed associated with his assholery, but the rings are just too much of a symbol of the promises broken.

ďpromise to never cheat on you again ringĒ

Umm, your WH might want to consider a new name for his suggested purchase, lol. Super duper, so every time you look at your hand you can think, "this is my WH's promise to never cheat on me again" ergo taking you back to his massive failings of cheating in the first place. Wow I would encourage him to consider replacing the words "never cheat" with be faithful, loyal, honest and treat you the way you have always deserved. Perhaps in time you will want to allow him to buy you such a symbol, for now, I too would wear your new purchase. It sounds amazing!

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