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Long Term Affairs Part 38

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WhyAgainWhyHer posted 9/14/2018 14:48 PM

I'm so jealous of those of you that are able to work through an affair. I thought we had the first time around, but it was rugsweeping. If I had found this site then, maybe things would be different. At this point, I just get though the days.

Svon posted 9/14/2018 19:53 PM

Whyagainwhyher, happiness does not come from a marriage or even a man. It comes from within. Itís up to you to choose happiness. You were dealt a shit sandwhich, but choosing to live miserably is a choice you are making. Find what makes you happy, Donít even think about him or your marriage for now. Go out. Make a new friend. Take up a new hobby! Read a good book. Watch a good movie. Drink the expensive bottle of wine! Instead of ďgetting through the dayĒ try finding at least ďone good laughĒ a day. You can do this.

Mickeymom posted 9/15/2018 01:17 AM

Whyagain: settling is not ok you do have to find what makes you happy. You deserve that we get one life we gotta make the most of it. So agree what can you do to get to your happy place what does that look like to you? I hope a new day can you bring you some happiness you deserve it.

CaliforniaNative posted 9/16/2018 21:07 PM

WhyAgainWhyHer....

Itís time to power up. If I were you and had the money or the co dependency issues that prevented me to leave.... I would join a gym, hire a male personal trainer, eat clean/low carb and take care of myself 100%.

The best revenge is massive success. Go be awesome. Youíll enjoy that in its own right, but I promise you, it will make him see what he will be missing. ďYou lost 20 lbs, got promoted, and hiked 20 miles, wow!Ē. Oh and practice indifference ó but sometimes indulge in the glory that your life could be sweeter without them.

[This message edited by CaliforniaNative at 9:12 PM, September 16th (Sunday)]

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 9/17/2018 14:01 PM

I have good days and bad days. I've been biking whenever possible, it helps. And trying to put some money away.

I appreciate everyone's comments. Its just so hard on some days. But today is a strong day.

ohheythere posted 9/19/2018 09:33 AM

LTAs are truly the worst. My husband and MOW were involved for 2 years until I discovered March 2016. Unfortunately I was served TT and they remained in contact and traveling together through October 2017. He only admitted to PA in Feb 2017. That's a lot of cray making as I was detective.

So here husband is back to traveling often to city where she lives and I know theirs was a passionate connection.

My lingering question is if he still has strong feelings for her. Love affairs are serious and fond memories are only human I suppose. I get into these rabbit holes of his desire to reconnect with her. His memories of the excitement passion connection- and sex - barf. Our reconciliation is a crazy rollercoaster. Primarily due to his lies that continued for so very long. After DD1 march 2016 they remained in contact and traveling together so no doubt affair continued. Jan 2017 was DD2 where they met up secretly on his biz travel to where she lives. He deleted but I found their contact online. LTAs blow. Such a blow to the heart.

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 9/19/2018 12:05 PM

Its the amount of thought and effort they have put in to it that kills me. thought and effort that should have been put towards us, instead goes to another relationship. I can;t compare to the fantasy world they have where everything is so perfect.

Lorisa posted 9/19/2018 13:48 PM

I wonder if a 13 LTA is too long to try and save the marriage. They had a 6 year PA and another 7 year EA. That is if he is feeling me the truth when the PA ended. Iím not sure he is being honest. What do you all think. Is this too much of a deception to recover from?

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 9/19/2018 15:34 PM

That's a long time, I don't know if I could ever trust again. I found out a few months ago that my SO has been cheating with his ex gf for 3 years now, and this si the 2nd time I've caught him with her. Even if he wanted to reconcile, I don't think I could, The trust is gone, and I have no respect for him anymore.

Mickeymom posted 9/19/2018 21:29 PM

Ohheythere: what is your H doing now to make you feel safe, can you not travel with him? Or if itís triggering you why is he going there? Of course itís a rabbit hole that place is going is a trigger for you.
Lorisa: 13 years is long, but where are you today what has he done to R with you. Sometimes lots of time goes by because itís easy and they put it in a box, not by any means do I think itís ok what has happened, but what I think now is what do you want and what is he doing to help you heal?

Svon posted 9/20/2018 00:39 AM

I am 3.5 months out from learning of my husbandís 8-9? Year affair and I somehow knew by day 5 I wanted to try and salvage it. He is in therapy alone and together and has and continues to answer any and all of my questions all day long. If we are not alone and I want an answer, I text him. Yes, itís is painful, but I will not let it consume me. I will not accept that it will take 2-5 years to heal. I will not be a victim that long. I suspect it will always cause some pain, but happiness is a choice and I will choose that. You will find supporters here advise you not to do make any decisions to reconcile for at least three months and not attend marriage counseling. I am sure that has worked for them and it might for you as well. I could not be in that turmoil for that long. I needed to see immediate work on the part of my WH and I needed to make a choice. I donít do ďlimboĒ well. So far, the pain is much better. Yes, itís still there, but it does not consume me. I wonít give it that power. I can not be certain that my marriage will last until ďdeath do us partĒ, but I am certain that for now, I am married and I will strive to enjoy my marriage and be happy knowing full well that tomorrow, 6 months from now, or 10 years from now my needs and wants may change and I could leave. Bottom line is follow your gut. Ask questions. Determine what you need and want in life to be happy. Find your happy place. And follow your own timeline. Like I said, there is no way I will allow the pain to consume me for 2-5 years. Monday is my 23 rd anniversary. Itís obviously not a huge celebration for me, but I am proud of who I am and the wife and mother I have been for 23 years. I have kept my vows. I have nothing to be ashamed of and I plan to spend my anniversary sipping mai tais on a beach in Hawaii. Yes, the husband is going. Have I forgiven him yet? Hell no. Is he ďfixedĒ of all his mental fuck ups? Hell no! Does he have a lot more work to do? Hell yes... does that mean I canít enjoy him until if or when he gets there? No.. I plan to enjoy him, my kids, my life, etc despite the pain I feel. I refuse to allow his problems to rob me of a happy life.
So, to answer your question, yes I think a marraige can survive 12 year affair if you both want it to and the betrayer is willing to work hard in counseling to figure out what is so fucked in his head. He may not want to or you may decide you donít want to stay. Bottom line is, what do you need in life to be happy and what is he offering to help you find it? You get to choose your life free of judgment. Only you can figure out what will make you happy now and in the future! We are all here in the same boat. We all know the pain. You will survive!

Bestthing posted 9/20/2018 05:47 AM

Lorisa, 13 years is a lot for you to absorb,but I wouldnít give up hope just because of the duration of the affair. There are other factors like did he come clean on his own, how frequently did they see each other, were there real emotions involved, what was the marriage like, how forgiving of a person are you, and do you guys love each other? It sucks to be here. I am sorry.

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 9/20/2018 08:31 AM

Bestthing brings up some good questions, that the WS should answer and give all details. Even with an LTA, I think a marriage could be salvaged IF they are willing to put in the work. Doesn't apply in my case, because he has one foot (or some other part) already out the door. But if he was willing to try, and give her up, I would be all in.

CaliforniaNative posted 9/20/2018 09:27 AM

ohheythere,

He still has strong feelings for her and will not stop talking to her? If this is the R forum they would tell you to do the 180 and see an attorney. What are the reasons for you wanting to stay? Is it money, family, or not wanting to be alone? Is it because you love him? Can you walk away if you wanted to?

You can chose happiness but donít rug sweep. Just stop talking to him, show that you mean business. You donít deserve to be treated like this.

ohheythere posted 9/20/2018 10:03 AM

Mickeymom - He travels extensively for work so not much of a choice. I did go earlier this year but can't attend every trip. It is what it is. DD2 Jan 2017 threw me hard for a loop. I think they are NC now bc I told OBS Nov 17. I regret not telling him DD1. Anyhoo.... I am sure she sold her H a "bill of goods" as they are this happy reconciled family on social media. Yeah I know social is usually BS.

Can't say he is making me entirely feel safe as on a biz trip last month he went dark on me not answering his phone as he was out until 4am drinking with colleagues. (they no longer work together). Not cool. And he kinda blew it off - again not cool.

Californianative - DD2 Jan 17 he did confess to affair being PA. Since he broke NC repeatedly during what I thought was us "reconciling" I got an attorney and on retainer. Then it was the love bombing and I don't want to lose family show. I decided to give it yet another go.

I want to stay to save my family as we have a toddler. And I truly want to believe something, anything actually. Not sure.

I guess I just need to move forward and have faith. But the business traveling blows as I know his industry loves the boozing late. Hotel bars, etc. It is just so easy.

Right now focusing on my self. Getting career back on the go as I took some time off to raise LO. Yeah the time I took off so that he could travel with his MOW lover.

I just can't process that these feelings for lovers simply pass. Like that soul mate bulls*it. Barf.

We are in a major conflict avoidance phase.

Mickeymom posted 9/21/2018 00:41 AM

Ohheythere: this JMHO after being on this site reading for probably 2 years straight and still frequent visitor for another 2 years and reading everything A related. What I can tell you no wonder your triggering while he may have to travel for work the going out to 4am and drinking is not a good boundary and does not show a R spouse who wants to work on the M.
These are your boundaries that you need to establish what will help you feel safe.
What I have learned here by reading so much and I am sure you will to that as people tell their stories you can tell who has a chance and who will fall back to high risk behaviors. what I do know is if the WH isnít willing to do everything it takes to help you the chances are good either you wonít be happy or they will be a repeat offender. And gently this is no judgement on your journey itís just what I have noticed between successful and unsuccessful R.

SVON: while I totally agree that this is your journey and choosing happy is great and it sounds like WS is doing good things to help with the healing process, but I donít think the 2-5 years healing means your sad disgruntled or angry for that amount of time I think it means it takes that long not to trigger as much to go about your life in way that resemble the more care free days you lived before DD. And if you would have asked me in that first year I could not imagine what this healing process would look like I did have lots happy moments in those first two years, but there wasnít a day that went by where she didnít enter my mind or some small thought. I can tell you now days go by and I donít think of it and if I do it diedhr feel like it did. I think I got to acceptance somewhere in year 3-4. I wish you all peace. These are just my ow sonsl rhoughts and take what you like and leave what does not speak to you

Svon posted 9/21/2018 18:47 PM

Mickeymom, in that case your 2-5 year healing time seems appropriate. I guess the definition of ďhealingĒ can be murky. The same can be said for reconciling. I donít look of it as an on going process. My husband and I are reconciled. Now, I am doing my best to heal and he is doing his best to help and fix his issues. Thanks for sharing your timeline and am happy to hear you are feeling so well!

Goldie78 posted 10/3/2018 18:33 PM

My timeline for healing is ATLEAST as long as the stupid affair lasted.

Svon posted 10/4/2018 11:20 AM

Goldie 78, I hope you can heal quicker than that. There is no way any of us should give up that much more of our lives. I refuse to take that long. I will leave before It takes me 8 years or 9 or however long the damn thing really was.

amanda123 posted 10/12/2018 04:28 AM

Hi everyone, it has been a little quiet around here of late.

My second dday was in April 2015. It's when I disovered that the no contact rule had never really happened 2 years prior, they just took it underground so to speak.

It took a while for things to improve between us. There were things i was asking of him like passwords etc that I never really got. I wanted his side of the story which I never really got, except to say that he f....d up big time. He does everything I ask of him except when it comes to talking about the A. So if I choose to ignore not getting answers to all things A related, everything is fine.

Most of the time i am ok, but there are moments when it hits me and Im still angry. I maybe one of those people that Mickeymom described as not being happy.

Would I be happier if he had told me the passwords that I asked for at the time? Would I be happier if he had of told me his side of the A instead of me hearing it from OW? Im sure I would have dealt with things a lot better if he had.

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