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Long Term Affairs Part 38

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Svon posted 8/22/2018 13:26 PM

I thought I should share some of my thoughts. I don’t know if In doing so it helps me (probably some) or can help any iof you, but here goes.

I am 2.5 months since D Day. Not long at all. It’s still hard, but I am doing so much better than I thought possible even 3 weeks ago. My husband’s affair was on and off (mostly on) for 9 years. Yep..9 years. I hate saying it out loud, hearing it, or thinking it, but it is what it is. I often think had it been shorter I would feel better. Not necessarily. Shorter affairs often come with more intensity and feelings. Obviously, my husband had no intention of leaving or he would have. She wanted him to and he/we have the money for him to have done so. I take small comfort in knowing that he had no intention to do so.

My husband is a very mentally weak and unhealthy man. Since D-day he has undergone hours and hours of psych testing ( given diagnoses) as well as therapy which he continues and will continue. He dropped her instantly. He gives me all access to phone, email, etc... he doesn’t even go to bed much less leave the home without telling me where he is off to. When he runs an errand he drops me a pin as to his location. He FaceTimes me if asked just to prove he is alone. He answers all questions about the affair, what it meant to him as an affair lasting that long changes in nature as do legitimate relationships. He will answer these questions over and over regardless of how often I ask them. I believe he is being honest as some of the answers are hurtful. He always ask “are you sure you want to know?” First. He wants to be honest while not hurting me more. It is clear my husband was/is in a dark place. He had a bad childhood. He suffers from anxiety, depression, low self esteem, as well as high functioning autism. He turned to another woman to soothe those feelings. The need for relief caused him to make horrible (possibly unforgivable) choices for a long time. It could have been drugs he chose (in some ways I wish it had been, but that could have led to a host of other problems). I wish he had turned to professional help, but he didn’t and history can’t be changed. He is doing so now. I remind myself that everyone has mental hang-ups whether it be insecurity, jealousy, depression, anxiety, etc... that have caused us to hurt those we love. Granted, most people have not come close to the kind of hurt that infidelity causes, but none of us our so perfect to never having done something hurtful. It is human. We all are or should be working on ourselves to be a the best we can be. My husband is doing that now. Will it be enough? I think so. If he fails or stops putting in the effort even a little, I will walk. I would not ever divorce though. Why would I give up my life because of his problems? I would simply take up a second residence and live life as a married single woman with no shame.

All that being said, why am I giving him a chance? Honestly, because I love my life, my family, and even my husband. I know he loved me the best his weak unhealthy mind could all
Along. He was always more than a cheating man. He was the man who worked 4 jobs to give me all I wanted. He is the man that encourages me and still does to do anything I want. He provided me a life where I was able to stay home and raise my babies, a job I dreamt of my whole life. He never suggested I work even as the kids grew up. He suggested I do whatever makes me happy whether that be work, go back to school, travel, or simply meet friends for lunch and live a charmed life. He is the man that brought me glasses of wine at night and coffee in bed every weekend morning. For those of us trying to reconcile, we need to focus on the positive side of our spouses too.

He is doing the work now. Yes, I could demand the “justice” as I have heard used in this thread, but justice for who? Certainly not me. It would not take away my pain. Divorce would not ease it. Actually, it would add another layer of pain. Yes, I deserve to be loved better. I believe one day I will be. Yes, I could find someone else more equipped, but no one is without skeletons in their closet. I know my husband’s skeletons. I know he is committed to personal growth as we all should be. He has a lot more growing to do than most, but I am trying not to fault him that he was not blessed/born with the mental strength that I was that has allowed me to not completely davastate my life or that of anyone else. That being said, I have hurt others to some extent and I will forever work on myself too. I am sure some of you may think I am rug sweeping this or giving him a free pass. Not at all. I am choosing me. My happiness. I am choosing what I want for my future and my best shot at being happy. History can’t be changed so all we have is the present and unknown future. I choose to be happy. I choose my best shot at that if I am blessed enough to grow old and rock grandbabies one day. Have a great day all!

gmc94 posted 8/22/2018 23:52 PM

Svon - thank you for sharing.

My WH also had a 9yr LTA PA, so I can relate.
It was cake eating (ie he NEVER thought about or considered leaving the M).

I guess it's funny how we all react differently. I'm glad you have a WH that can provide answers to your questions. My WH "can't recall" just about anything that I care about - and provided inaccurate info about other stuff (I basically had to play Nancy Drew to find out what little I do know aside from the years/seasons (and that's spotty) she came to town and they had sex). Bottom line is that over the past 7 months, I've learned it's probably not a good idea to believe a single word. I don't believe my WH is anywhere close to "getting" it or remorse.

I'm happy for you. I don't think you need to explain yourself. But I find it helpful to remember that everyone reacts differently, every one of us is different, and every M is different. I've been diagnosed with PTSD. I still wake up many mornings whimpering, crying or shaking as if it was 20 degrees F, but I cannot remember any dreams (something I used to relish- my dreams, and remembering them and journaling about them). Today I read one simple sentence in a non-A related book and had to run to the bathroom to cry (I was on a train). Seeing people holding hands can often send me into a complete meltdown. I've found myself in a fetal position crying hysterically on a frigging golf course after running out from a charity benefit because someone winning an award started talking about how much he loves his wife. But if you'd met me a year ago you would say I'm one of the toughest women around ("badass" is - literally - my nickname in my office, in a male-dominated field where I have earned the trust and respect of my colleagues). I've been in therapy at various points in my life for nearly 40 years, dealt with a lot and learned/grown each time, not just FOO stuff, but having an ex who is a convicted pedophile and another child who has been sexually assaulted - TWICE. Yet NEVER in my life have I been brought down to anything remotely close to the emotional hell I live in today. And if I choose to D, that is MY choice...

You seem to have an amazing resilience to trauma, and a truly remorseful WH. But even if you didn't, your choice to stay is yours, and yours alone. If it works for you, so be it. If some call it rugsweeping - why should you care if it works for you?

Svon posted 8/23/2018 00:15 AM

gMC94, you are stronger than you think . And don’t get me wrong, sometimes (often) this whole ordeal knocks me to my knees and takes my breath away. I just won’t let it continue to consume me, rob me of my previous memories, or determine my future. I have lived , loved, made previous babies, made memories, etc... I refuse to let his problems alter my memories and authentic love. I willl also not allow his weaknesses to challenge my future and it’s happiness. Nothing in life is guaranteed. I find inspiration in those who are dying of various diseases that live out what little time they have left as happy as they can be. We are not guaranteed a future. I am choosing to live the happiest I can be. I will never choose his comfort or happiness over mine. If they happen to coexist, then lucky for him. For now and for always, I choose me. It sounds selfish, but honestly I know that my happiness is also dependent on that of my kids so it’s not as selfish as it sounds. They have made it clear they hope we stay united as one family. I have made them no promises except to say i will give it a try, but ultimately my happiness will be the ultimate factor. For now, that is with Him. Yes, I still hurt like hell, but less than yesterday and less than I would without HIm. I hope you find peace. I hope we all do. I know we can. Compare how you feel to DDay when you feel that life is not improving. I know I am so much better. I have a long way to go, but life is too short to let it l be ruined and to not always seek joy.

Svon posted 8/23/2018 00:16 AM

gMC94, you are stronger than you think . And don’t get me wrong, sometimes (often) this whole ordeal knocks me to my knees and takes my breath away. I just won’t let it continue to consume me, rob me of my previous memories, or determine my future. I have lived , loved, made precious babies, made memories, etc... I refuse to let his problems alter my memories and authentic love. I willl also not allow his weaknesses to challenge my future and it’s happiness. Nothing in life is guaranteed. I find inspiration in those who are dying of various diseases that live out what little time they have left as happy as they can be. We are not guaranteed a future. I am choosing to live the happiest I can be. I will never choose his comfort or happiness over mine. If they happen to coexist, then lucky for him. For now and for always, I choose me. It sounds selfish, but honestly I know that my happiness is also dependent on that of my kids so it’s not as selfish as it sounds. They have made it clear they hope we stay united as one family. I have made them no promises except to say i will give it a try, but ultimately my happiness will be the ultimate factor. For now, that is with Him. Yes, I still hurt like hell, but less than yesterday and less than I would without HIm. I hope you find peace. I hope we all do. I know we can. Compare how you feel to DDay when you feel that life is not improving. I know I am so much better. I have a long way to go, but life is too short to let it l be ruined and to not always seek joy.

Svon posted 8/23/2018 00:16 AM

gMC94, you are stronger than you think . And don’t get me wrong, sometimes (often) this whole ordeal knocks me to my knees and takes my breath away. I just won’t let it continue to consume me, rob me of my previous memories, or determine my future. I have lived , loved, made precious babies, made memories, etc... I refuse to let his problems alter my memories and authentic love. I willl also not allow his weaknesses to challenge my future and it’s happiness. Nothing in life is guaranteed. I find inspiration in those who are dying of various diseases that live out what little time they have left as happy as they can be. We are not guaranteed a future. I am choosing to live the happiest I can be. I will never choose his comfort or happiness over mine. If they happen to coexist, then lucky for him. For now and for always, I choose me. It sounds selfish, but honestly I know that my happiness is also dependent on that of my kids so it’s not as selfish as it sounds. They have made it clear they hope we stay united as one family. I have made them no promises except to say i will give it a try, but ultimately my happiness will be the ultimate factor. For now, that is with Him. Yes, I still hurt like hell, but less than yesterday and less than I would without HIm. I hope you find peace. I hope we all do. I know we can. Compare how you feel to DDay when you feel that life is not improving. I know I am so much better. I have a long way to go, but life is too short to let it l be ruined and to not always seek joy.

Svon posted 8/23/2018 00:19 AM

I apologize for being so tech challenged that my post copied three times. I would usually ask one of my daughters for a remedy, but I hope they never have the need to seek comfort from this forum!

hopeandhealing posted 8/23/2018 01:18 AM

Svon,

Your words really resonated with me as I echo much of what you said. I think we are the fortunate unfortunate ones in that we seem to have H who are capable and willing to share the sordid details of their selfish double lives and answer our questions. I truly believe going over and over and over the details again was very much the catalyst for my reconciling the awfulness of his choices and trying to move towards acceptance (not forgiveness).

I hope your upward trajectory continues. I recall for me, I felt incredibly close to my WH at 3-4 months out and then the rage and anger hit, somewhat out of the blue. It was not pretty. We got through it, but I was fairly convinced I was just biding my time until my daughter was home from university and we could tell both kids about his As at the same time.

I too am choosing me first now (well after the kids really). For far too long I have chosen others, particularly my WH. Perhaps that is why I feel very much at peace now. I know that I am choosing what feels right for me now, knowing that may change and I will be ok regardless. Unlike historically, WH is putting me first now too, which is a huge shift in paradigm for him and I appreciate the efforts. I am also going to reap them, hopefully forever.

Gmc,

Like you, my WH never intended to leave, never reportedly even had a desire to leave me for any of his APs. He was under no illusion that the grass was greener. He told his APs at the outset that he loved his life with his family (including me), but that he wanted NSA sex, as our drives were different (he's not wrong on that, but it in no way excuses his actions).

As awful as that is, the lack of emotional connection is a big reason I am willing to look at R. I am fairly confident if I caught the A when it was active, if he had had any moment, no matter how short of feeling connected to the AP and was unable to drop her like a hot potato, I would have walked then and there. I would not have stayed with him in any degree of fog.

You are right, we all have different WS, different M pre A, different histories, traumas and grief already endured. I am sorry you are still suffering with the effects of PTSD, including such visceral responses to triggers which arise so unpredictably. I can't recall if you have tried EMDR? Some people find it highly effective for the anxiety associated with PTSD.

It makes my heart really sad that you describe yourself as living in emotional hell. I wish I could in some way help you remove yourself from such an awful place and enjoy your life as the badass you were before Dday. I will say many of the things you described as triggering you, triggered me too earlier one. I would see people holding hands and be resentful, see small children with their parents and grieve for what I thought my life was at that developmental stage, my WH face was in itself a trigger and anytime he called out anyone else for accountability, I would lose it. Time is an amazing healer.

I know they say 2-5 years, but the roller coaster had incredible undulating hills until about month 10-11 for me. For whatever reason, at that time I had a shift in perspective, essentially said F#$K it, I am tired of giving his selfishness the space it gets everyday, I am choosing to live my life seeking happiness, in however that looks. I also took back my power, so whatever I perceived the APs had on me, I took it back, which essentially meant confirming what WH did with APs (sex) and doing the same with my WH, so they were "mine" again. I understand that may not work for everyone, but I am highly competitive, so I wanted to do these things so his best memories were with me and not them.

I am sure people reading this may think that is ass backwards or the actions don't necessarily imply I was the "best" at whatever it was, but in my head, as my confidence grew, I was. Of course WH says sex with love is far better than NSA, just getting off, what else is he going to say?

Our WS behaviour will forever be with us, whether or not we R or D, it is part of our story now and I think we will always have triggers, but their consequences, impact will be lessened with time.

I wish you healing and with time, fewer times of being knocked to your knees.

((()))

[This message edited by hopeandhealing at 1:19 AM, August 23rd (Thursday)]

Svon posted 8/23/2018 09:36 AM

Hopeandhealing,
The rage has always been here for me. I would say it comes
Out about every three days badly and a little each day. I explain to him that the pain gets so great that the only way I can let go of enough of it to keep going is by verbally attacking him. I have said awful things to him. I am sure I will again. I make no apologies for it and I will never. Part of his atoning is taking it all. It’s healing for me. The way I see it is when we physically hurt ourselves we cry out in pain. When we are emotionally hurting the pain feels every bit as physical and we lash out then as well. That’s what I meant when I wrote that divorce would not end the pain. At least he ia here and gives me a Target to rage towards. Let some of the steam off. I have told him I have no idea how long this will go on. I have warned him it could be forever as sometimes it feels like it will be. That’s his problem.

I agree, had he not dropped her immediately I am sure I would have been gone. I don’t think I could have had any patience for the “fog”, although my husband’s affair was not centered around sex. The sex, oddly was not often and he was indifferent to it. His was more an extremely inaaproptiate friendship and the woman fell in love with him. As I mentioned, he is on the autism spectrum and making friends is very difficult for him. He does well one on one but social situations are a nightmare. When it began we were having trouble, his career had taken a huge hit, he had no self esteem, and was weak and lonely. He knew early on that she did not solve his problems, but another symptom of autism is conflict avoidance and fear of being judged and disapproved of. (Probably stemming from low self esteem)... he describes it to me and therapists as “going along with her to get along and kicking the can down the road“. He feared her rage if he ended it and claims he tried at some points and her rage would appear. He feared she would blow up his world and couple that with his low self esteem and fear of being caught and exposed as a horrible person , he just kept it up. He felt trapped. I know it sounds like bullshit, but many healthcare professionals claim it makes perfect sense to them given his atypical brain and emotional weaknesses. Maybe it makes sense, but it is not an excuse or justification. Understanding the “how” , “”why”, and “what she meant to him” has been paramount in any attempt at reconciling. Had it been some great love affair on his part, I don’t think I could take it. I read where some spouses need to mourn the loss o their AP and will not speak Ill of them. That is not my case. He dropped her happily and has never had one kind word to say about her since. (By the way, she was my “friend” years ago) That’s how they met. Dropping her would not have been easy had he loved her. She did not want to let him go. Knowing she was heartbroken over my husband gave me happiness. Her husband was odd about it. When it was exposed she waited to tell him whether she wanted to stay married or not just hoping my husband came calling. When it was clear he would not she her husband reports that she broke down heartbroken and devastated and agreed to stay married to him. His exact words were “I forgive her. I forgive your husband. I was a neglectful husband. It was a wake up call. I am nothing without her”... wtf? Your wife is heartbroken over another man and you are taking some of the blame? Whatever. He is a nice guy. I wonder if the rage has hit him yet. I pray it does and he leaves her. I know it took two to tango, but I would like nothing more than to see her desperate and lonely.
I try to view her has my husband’s drug of choice to soothe his own pain. Essentially, she was. Therapists have explained it to me much that it is an addiction. Drug addicts often no longer get the “high” they once sought, but rather keep using or can’t stop because they fear the withdrawals if they do. My husband’s withdrawals that he feared would have been the shame of exposure and facing what and who he really was as well as losing his family. Again, I know it sound late like bullshit and I in no way am excusing his behavior. I am simply understanding how we for here. I know my husband and his atypical brain. Can I forgive the hurt it caused? I don’t know. Honestly, probably never completely, but a big part of that atypical brain is what attracted to me in the first place. I can’t forget that.

You mentioned having to tell your kids. That must have been hard. My college aged daughter was the one who caught him. We had to tell my high school aged daughter soon as I was such a wreck that she was starting to worry I might be dying and no one was telling her. Ugh... anyways.... it’s weird how similar alll our stories are and yet how completely different. In the end, we all have different stories and emotional makeups. The emotional makeups and our own personal needs will be what determine our outcomes. I am not afraid to get what I need. Right now, I need the family I love and created. I don’t need nor have I ever been one to seek a “soulmate”. It’s never been my thing. Yes, I can love and enjoy my husband, but he has never been my “other half” nor will he be. Sometimes I see couples who appear that way and I wonder if I had married differently would I feel that way. I suspect I would not. I don’t think it’s in me. I have also seen couples who seemed “perfect” and would sometimes cause me to question my marriage (preaffair) end up divorced. Maybe my feelings on soulmates and marriage are what has given me strength to stay. He was never my everything, but I was loyal. Learning he was not is what hurts. Anyways, to make a long story short who we are and what we need and want in life will/should drive us to our choices and futures. The goal is to not allow our needs to trample on the happiness of others. That is a lesson my husband is learning now.

gmc94 posted 8/25/2018 11:46 AM

I start EMDR (with a 2nd therapist) next week. We'll see how it goes.

My WH also repeatedly told his OW how much he loved his wife and wouldn't leave. A big obstacle for me has been TT, repeated denial for months there was any EA, etc. OW was an old GF whom he kept a complete secret from me for our entire relationship. I knew (or so I thought) of ALL of his past lovers (as he did mine). Many of whom were invited to our wedding. One old GF was a massage therapist and I had NO qualms about him getting a massage from her. Another was his hairdresser for the past 30 years. I trusted COMPLETELY and he knew that it was important to me that I never had to be "one of those wives" who had to check on their husbands. Bottom line is that if there was no emotional (or sexual) chemistry, there was absolutely NO reason for him to keep this one person a secret - while we were dating, living together, engaged, and married. What married man needs to have a secret female "friend" for decades? What married man with a completely trusting wife has to keep ONE (of many) former lover secret - for 18 years before the sex began? He acts as if it was all coincidence that THIS secret person became his AP, but I can't think of any reasonable person who would believe it was EVER ok to have a secret friend of the opposite sex, whom you would call, see when in town, email, etc for 18 years - even if there had never been any sex.

He recently told me (with a bit of an attitude) that he doesn't think he'll ever have a "why" for keeping her a secret for the 18 years from our meeting to the beginning of the PA. That's the very kind of bullsh*t that stalls the healing needed for any hope of reconciliation. It tells me he does not have the capacity to be accountable for his actions.

My WH has always been supportive and attentive... he cooks, he's the guy that brings me that glass of wine, today he made breakfast, etc. But I feel that all of those little (and big, I guess) things he's done came at a price way higher than I would ever have been willing to pay. It's like I agreed to go to dinner, he impresses me with the lobster and steak, then after dinner he sucker punches me. When he sees the black eye and the stitches, he says, even though I punched you, it doesn't take one bite away from that great lobster you ate! My view is I'd rather have gone hungry and avoided the permanent damage to my eyesight. So, now he says he'll never punch me again, while he brings me more lobster.....

Svon posted 8/25/2018 12:33 PM

Gmc94.... I totally I understand how you feel. I do believe your husband is telling you the truth when he says “I don’t know”. He probably doesn’t understand what lead him to do such awful things. He needs therapy to figure that out. Demand it.

gmc94 posted 8/25/2018 15:09 PM

He's been seeing an IC for 5 months.

Svon posted 8/25/2018 15:59 PM

GMC94
I also understand your steak and lobster gut punch analogy. I have often felt the same way, but the only way we are to heal is to try and let that go with or without spouse. True, none of us would have chosen the steak and lobster had we known the real price of it. However, we can’t change history and discounting all the steak and lobster we experienced in life will only serve to depress us more! I choose to remember the good. They were my happy times! I have great memories. We made wonderful babies and loved precious family moments. Do not let your husband’s problem and side piece rob you of those. His side piece is his shame and all the time and energy he devoted to it is his missed opportunities. You lived and loved honestly...own that and be proud. Your memories are real.

hopeandhealing posted 8/27/2018 00:49 AM

I too struggled with my memories feeling as though they were jaded. With LTA, there are years of lies and betrayal, it is such a tremendous loss and so difficult to reconcile. Initially, I would look at a picture and think "huh, you appear happy in the photo, yet you were f**cking AP2 when that was taken" and bam, my happy memory was gone.

A few months back, after going through the timelines of my WH various affairs and becoming hyper focused on which memories were "jaded" and which ones were "still mine", I said "F**k this. I haven't done anything wrong to have my memories lessened/jaded, they were all very real to me and I am going to continue to reflect upon them fondly as I did pre dday".

My memories are real. Even our wedding photo I can look at now without my immediate internal dialogue shifting to "what a joke/lie" or "if I only knew then what was to come, I would have chosen differently" or "I wish I would have waited to get married" The reality is, none of those things I told myself, I really believed, it was just my internal dialogue trying to protect myself. My marriage wasn't a farce, it has been a union with some ridiculous lows and pain post dday, but many highs and I would pick WH as my life partner again (minus the cheating ).

My WH didn't set out to be an a$$hole and betray me and our marriage, as I believe is the case for many WS (though some I do believe don't care about hurting others and have no empathy nor remorse) . Our wedding was a happy day and I enjoyed every minute of it. Would I change his selfish behaviour? Sure would, so would he (with the benefit of maturity, wisdom and insight), but neither of us can. So I choose happy. I choose to look forward, on things on which I can exert change and control. It has allowed me to enjoy my time with WH again, to start fresh and write a new narrative with a better ending.

GMC,

I agree with you that your WH needs to get to they Why, to own his incredibly hurtful A and be accountable. " I don't know" or "I don't remember" isn't digging enough. He made a deliberate and conscious choice to keep her a secret, for his own benefit. Why? Well, he needs to figure that out. Maybe she stroked his ego, maybe he liked to "innocently" flirt at the start, maybe he felt some chemistry which was exciting to him. Whatever his why, there was a definite reason, or he would not have chosen to keep her a secret, particularly when you are clearly accepting of him having female friends.

Ultimately, I think all As boil down to selfishness. Our partners chose themselves, for sexual gratification, ego kibbles, excitement of the forbidden, whatever the "reason". Nothing excuses it, but getting to the why and the how could you is critical. Being accountable I know for me, was vital. When my WH would say " I own my choice to cheat 100%, but..." it deflected his accountability and we stalled on progress. Once he got rid of the but and just said, "it's on me 100%", we moved forward.

I hope your WH gets there. With what he has put you through and to still have you working, trying, geez, I hope he gets there.

((()))

iwantamiracle posted 8/28/2018 23:49 PM

Hi All,

I am what you would call an old-timer....i learned what my ex did in dec of 2008. I elected to stay because of my kids who were teens at the time, HOWEVER....I had my conditions....#1 was he had to go to counseling, #2...if he didn’t come completely clean with me by the end of 6 months, I would seek divorce as soon as I felt my kids could handle it.

Well, he did go to counseling, but it was all a show...

At the end of 6 months I KNEW there was more, so at that time i planned and lined up my ducks

I will be honest, while I lined up my ducks I prayed and hoped he would step up and prove himself

All he proved was that I was headed in the right direction

It took me forever in my marriage and honestly took me finding out about his affairs that finally allowed me to SEE, really SEE who he was and more importantly WHO I WAS AND WHAT I LEARNED TO ACCEPT IN THE NAME OF LOVE AND MY KIDS OR FAMILY

OK...so my major life lessons

The biggest one

IF I CANNOT CHANGE IT
IF I CANNOT FIX IT
LET IT GO

That phrase has held its merit in my marriage, in my relationships with just about everyone

I was a control freak, control freaks do not let anything go

But thank GOD i have, i had and I do!!!

So my dear LTA peeps

1. Set up your boundaries from the getgo

2. Make NO decisions from anger

3. Respect yourself FIRST and FOREMOST

4. If your WS comes up short time and time again...cut your losses or at the very least KNOW WHO (S)HE is and accept what is and make the best of what it is, fore it will never be more

5. Divorce is not the end of the road, but rather the beginning of peace and contentment within

6. You cannot change what you do not acknowledge, that goes for you and your WS

7. You will get through it, its the hardest road I have ever traveled but you will get through it

8. If your WS is finally true to you and all (s)he needs to do, your marriage can be saved and more importantly it can bring you happiness

I unfortunately did not have a true WS, but there are a few old timers here i have had the pleasure of knowing who have so I KNOW its possible...but your WS must be willing to do the work and actually DO WHAT IT TAKES or it will never happen

There is light at the end of the tunnel, i promise this

And the tunnel is so so long for some, and the road full of potholes, detours and road blocks...but there is an end!!!

There will be days that you will need to take each day as it comes sometimes by the minute, especially if you are still in an active phase of finding out new “SHIT”...but please please remember it will pass

My WS was never faithful, and i learned this after being married for almost 20 years, he had 2 long term affairs, one was there before me and was there for my entire marriage

My WS never came completely clean...I could not live with that

I made my decision and I committed to it by making choices that would see me to the realization of my decision

It took me years....my kids were teens and I wouldn’t do what i needs to do at a time when they could find themselves in a bad sich....and i woulnd’t change a thing

While 2 of my 3 kids have issues, neither of them have addiction as one of them, neither of them have issues that can’t be fixed with growing up..so i would make the same decisions but perhaps if i had some hindsight i might have changed a few minor choices along the way, but HENCE WE DO NOT HAVE HINDSIGHT SO WE DO WHAT WE CAN WITH WHAT WE HAVE

AND i took my time and lined up my ducks...and did a damned good job of that one...went back to school to be recertified as well as put some funds aside of which i needed every penny

So boys and girls....put away as much $$$ as you can, and put it away where no one know about it most especially your WS

Your WS has screwed you over already by screwing...so protect yourself and if (s)he comes up and does the work....you have $$$ for what ever you want....but i highly recommend that you wait a significant amount of time before you divulge it at least as long as the affair(s)

There is hope, hope for peace, hope for love...whilst i have not found new love as yet....I am so at peace..something I was not....for 10 years plus....so i am so happy with “peace”...i no longer wake up hating living my life, i no longer wake up wondering what new horrors await me

And on the flip side for those of you who have ws’s who are doing the work,,,,there will also finally be a place of peace

But if your WS is NOT doing the work...PLEASE PLEASE do what you need to to for you and your kids if you have any...you will regret wasting time

And that brings me to my conclusion of my very long post i had another saying and its more then a saying but something i have lived by I guess you could say it was my code of living

ALL of my decisions were not made in haste, rather from a standpoint of will i look back on this 1 year from now, 5 years from now and 10 years from now and will i be happy or will i regret it......short term can always be daunting....but it puts off what needs to be done for long term.....so rather then make decision that will appease ME in the short term, i look to make decisions that will not just appease me but make me happy with no REGRETS IN THE LONG TERM...and unfortunately those decisions usually make all worse in the short term

YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS....KEEP BREATHING AND ALWAYS KEEP MOVING FORWARD

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

gmc94 posted 8/31/2018 16:23 PM

thanks IWantAMiracle.... I always appreciate hearing from someone who's able to view this sh*t from the perspective of time.

amanda123 posted 8/31/2018 17:02 PM

iwantamiracle, Thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge. A great post.

Lostsoul10 posted 9/1/2018 10:03 AM

Hi. I am new to forum. I feel confused and stupid after 6 months of funding out my partner had an affair for 3 years. He even let her move in to his flat but tells me it was just sex and nothing more. He says he loves me more than he has lived anyone.some days I believe him and some days I feel I am stupid trying to make it work. What if I never found out would the affair still be going on. How do I trust what he says when he lied for so long.

Lostsoul10 posted 9/1/2018 10:08 AM

Hi. I am new to forum. I feel confused and stupid after 6 months of funding out my partner had an affair for 3 years. He even let her move in to his flat but tells me it was just sex and nothing more. He says he loves me more than he has loved anyone.some days I believe him and some days I feel I am stupid trying to make it work. What if I never found out would the affair still be going on. How do I trust what he says when he lied for so long.

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 9/1/2018 10:16 AM

Hi Lostsoul, I am sorry you're here. Are you long distance? He actually had her stay with him?

Lostsoul10 posted 9/1/2018 10:34 AM

No he was renting out his flat. Obviously never told me.
She has now moved away but she thinks I am the bad guy.
I di kick him out when found he had contacted her, that's when he said he realised how much he loved me
It has changed my world and my life
How do I trust again. I love him but why when he treaten me so badly
So many questions and not enough answers

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