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Long Term Affairs Part 38

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needfriendshere posted 9/14/2017 05:31 AM

Insearchofme,

I had to scroll back a page to find your post. Sorry I didn't see it sooner. We've had a couple of sermons on infidelity at our church too. Maybe that says something about the state of affairs in our society right now.

Your pastor said that, in order to forgive someone, you should make a list of what they stole from you? You know, I actually used to do that. And it looked something like this:
1.). My joy
2.). My sense of security
3.). My self-esteem
4.). My church
5.). My home
6.). Several of my friends (because of losing said home)

Looking at that list now, I realize that, slowly, some of these things are being restored. I have a new home, new church, and new friends (although I do miss hanging out with my old ones). Joy comes and goes. But security and self-esteem are still seriously lacking, or at least are nowhere near what they once were.

I'm wondering. Did your pastor ask you all to do that because he assumed that, once most people wrote it out, they would realize no real harm had been done? In the case of infidelity, sometimes what was taken from us causes untold damage. I'm not sure how writing it out helps one to forgive. I used to do it on my angry, or "I've slipped way down into the rabbit hole" moments. And I usually felt like kicking FWH in the balls afterward.

BTW, how are you today? (((Insearchofme)))

amanda123 posted 9/14/2017 05:31 AM

Congratulations hopefull77 on the upcoming wedding and of course your dear little grandson.

Insearchofme Hugs, Im sorry if I havent replied to any of your posts recently, I have been reading more and not posting so much. I sometimes feel that im the thread killer I have been on the tail end of threads and virtually killed them off as now one replies after my posts!!! Sometimes I feel as though I dont have anything of value to put forward, or im not in the best of moods and feel that its best not to post any comments.

In trying to move forward I stopped calling him my WS on this forum and started to call him H. I think there could be far worse names that I could call him but in the spirit of trying to be positive H will suffice. Moving forward had to start somewhere, so I had to change my negative thoughts into positive ones. That has been a battle, my mood swings mostly due to reminiscing about what he did to me and our relationship and due to triggers and him not really fessing up to everything and it took so long for an apology to come out of his mouth. The counselor asked me what I want from him, I said I want him to own what he did, I want him to tell me that this will never happen again, I want him to tell me what his feelings are and how he feels about things. She said I may never get any of those things from him. Sigh..... Im still trying to be optimistic and hopeful for our future.

northeasternarea posted 9/14/2017 09:31 AM

Hi ladies, I guess I'm having a "bottom of the roller coaster" period. Lately what has been pissing me off is church! Haha of all things! I swear God is messing with me! Seriously, every sermon lately has so do with guarding your heart against affairs and infidelity. Really!? I get so mad that, like today, I just have to leave my house and write or read. Just get away. Today Pastor said if you need to forgive, write a list of all of the things the person took from you. So here I am at Starbucks by myself trying to work thru my pissed off mood so I can go back home and "be healed"..ugh I'm in this R but man there are times I wish he had just left me for her. Almost like that would be easier than having to deal in this new reality of my life. I am much better than this time last year but I still struggle and that stinking pastor won't stop with the adulterous talks! Ugh! Happy F-ing Sunday people! Haha sorry, just had to get that out there..ok I feel better no

I don't know how I missed this. I have the opposite reaction to adultery sermons. At the last one our pastor gave he also included the an admonition to the affair partners.

We're almost 3 years into both of us working on reconciliation. We make a good team, life runs smoothly. I'm not happy or unhappy. I don't know that we will ever get to that marriage that truly reflects God and the church. What I do know that is that if he ever cheats again, I will leave him.

Deejay523 posted 9/14/2017 10:13 AM

Insearchofme,
Donít ever feel that you are invisible or needy here, hugs to you always ((())))
and all of you here!!!
As for a response to your past post, I was born and raised a Catholic, since this has all come to light I have seriously questioned my faith ptsd my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in Jan 2013 she passed on March 17 2013 in April 2014 a few days after my birthday was DD for me along with the rest of discovery of his on and off double life through out our entire life together,to know he's done any of this seriously,this last time only 3 months after my mom died just all of it, to know that any person is capable of this all let alone this person was I thought the most important the closest person in my life. ..
I do not think of my religion or believes in it since, I sometimes get upset and think the only reason why I am still here with him is because of my upbringing regarding forgiveness and all ,I feel strongly that if I didn't have the upbringing I did I would be gone already.
I apologize if this sounds harsh it's just how I feel, I can only deal with working through this hell at the moment, I can't think about believing in anything else seeing that what I thought I believed in never really existed if you can understand where my thinking is. .
Again I apologize if this offends you or anyone else here.
It's me..the only me I know. .

UKgirl posted 9/14/2017 11:24 AM

Yes I have to agree so grateful to have wonderful kids, at times they were the only things that kept me going.
Same here. One of my first thoughts after ďWhat? Why? Who with? Does this mean we are going to get divorced?Ē Was ďOh, shit. The boys. What about the boys?Ē Suddenly they all became more alive, vibrant and I noticed just about everything about them. But there again, just about everything was bigger, louder, faster, more in my face. I just wanted things to stay the same for them, at least for a year or so. MOW didnít give a fuck, her twins had just graduated and their older sister was off into the world. She was ready to jump and decided it was TIME.

NFH:

Do I confront DS1 about this? I mean, at this point H and I are 3 and 1/2 years into a pretty successful R. Do I open that can of worms or just keep showing DS1 that H and I are now doing well? If I do tell him, what do I say at this point???
Ask DS2 if DS1 knows. I think if one knows, then it might be better if they both knew. Itís tough to ask one to keep such a sorry secret and not the other. Itís a burden that might be easier if it was shared and they could talk about it. None of mine know Ė if they do, theyíve not said anything.


I wish that my H had said something, anything about how unhappy he was. I mean how really unhappy he was and that he was considering looking for something new.
I wish my WH hadnít come up with that bullshit after d-day. I think it was an excuse to hang his LTA on. I rather think he became unhappy when he didnít want to live his double life anymore. That was the root cause of his unhappiness. I wonít have it that he was so utterly depressed that he chose to have an affair. And, as I said to him several times, falling in love with and fucking your ex-fiancee doesnít seem a bad way to self-medicate. He had many great times with her and for several years.


Insearchofme

Pastor said if you need to forgive, write a list of all of the things the person took from you.
Presumably so you can share the list with the person who betrayed you for them to understand and to make amends. If the list is just for you, then you need to take back what was taken. Generally that would need good friends and/or a good IC. Itís not just a list, writing a list wonít immediately put you on the road to forgiveness. What most of us struggle with is forgiving ourselves. And that is what you need to do first. Forgive and be gently on yourself. And forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself anyway, not necessarily for the person who has wronged you.

Deejay523 posted 9/14/2017 12:37 PM

Congrats Hopeful! !!


I have been soo busy with my sons upcoming wedding and my sweet grandson....

needfriendshere posted 9/14/2017 13:27 PM

Hopefull77,
You have a lot of awesome things going on in your life. I am so happy for you. Congrats!

Northeasternarea,

I'm right here with you on this:

I don't know that we will ever get to that marriage that truly reflects God and the church. What I do know that is that if he ever cheats again, I will leave him.

Deejay,
Nothing you said offended me. I've seen a lot of hypocrisy among church leaders (Heck! My H was one all during his A years). But I don't blame that on God. I think God was more unhappy about H's choices than I was. I think God is unhappy with a lot of things that we - His people - choose to do.

UKGirl,
Thanks for your response to my question. DS2 does not know if DS1 knows. He never told him and OW didn't either. But he feels he may know because of the poems and other things he has said and done. Then again, DS1 is angry that we sold our house. I don't think he would be if he knew what his father did. DS2 couldn't wait for us to get rid of it - he knew that H carried on a lot of his LTA in it. It triggered us both. Maybe DS1 "just" saw H skyping OW and did not realize it went far beyond that? (Sadly, every time they skyped, they were naked within minutes. Ugh!!).

Amanda,
It's funny. I mostly refer to H as "H" now too instead of FWS, which I did for the longest time. I guess that really is progess, right?

donna3 posted 9/15/2017 13:25 PM

Hello all. It sounds like a lot of us are entering the few years later stage. Things don't quite hurt so bad, but we have our moments. We do a lot of reflection: did we really make the right decision and can we live with that choice? Are we safe with our H's from this point forward? Can we really move on to a better M with the big elephant in the room? Will our self esteem ever get better than this?

Things are really good between H and myself. He bends over backwards to try to please me in all things. He is a much happier person and a whole lot more fun to be around. He appreciates the gift of R that I have given him and thanks me for that multiple times a week. And yet, I still have issues. I just can't forget about what he did. I look at him (sometimes even during sex) and I remember it all and it deflates me. I still don't handle any kind of stress - I just lose it over little things when I feel they are my fault. Will i ever get better about all of this?

I guess our new normal is different. And we need to accept that. I don't come here to SI as often, some posts are just too painful and I am not sure I am of any help when I respond. I like this little group here. We have been through so much and I do try to welcome anyone new that joins our "tribe". I see some come back for years to try and help and I applaud them. Maybe for me I just need to let it all go but there is such comfort here in the LTA section from all of you. It has been said before that too bad we cannot meet and talk IRL.

Sorry, Insearchofme, I am sure it has just been an oversight from all of us. Please feel welcome and continue to post. We all understand that feeling that we are no longer wanted and the last thing we want to do is make anyone feel like that. Hugs to you

needfriendshere posted 9/15/2017 14:31 PM

Welcome back, Donna3!

I, too, sometimes take a break from SI, for much the same reason you do. But I'm drawn back to this thread in particualr because we all need encouragement as we maneuver through that "new normal" we are living in. This, in particular, resonated with me today:

I still don't handle any kind of stress - I just lose it over little things when I feel they are my fault.

Again, you have made me realize that I am not losing it. I am guessing many of us struggle in this area? I used to be so patient and had a very long fuse. And I used to be able to handle a surprising amount of stress. But not anymore! Now I sometimes shock the heck out of my family, acquaintances, and especially myself. I fall apart easily, teling H "I'm broken" when he asks why. And it leaves me feeling ashamed and very disappointed in myself. Yup, the new normal sucks...

northeasternarea posted 9/15/2017 21:35 PM

The main thing I find is that I have much less tolerance for bullshit from anyone, especially WH. If something I do, or don't do displeases him, too bad. Sex is just sex, part of the contract. There is more good than bad.

Insearchofme posted 9/17/2017 22:04 PM

Thank you friends for your kind replies. Was just having an off moment last week. So today with church I decided if the pastor brought up adultery again then I was gonna email him! Haha I even had myself prepared just in case so I would not get pissed again, Well, today, talk about God showing me signs! This woman gives her testimony before she gets baptized. She shared with the church that she and her husband were christians and early in their marriage he had cheated and had some addiction issues. Long story short, it had been many years since that time and she credited Jesus and her mentor in helping her and her WH who was very remorseful and all in on fixing the marriage. Then, her adult son is the one who baptized her. He told the church that growing up his mom not only taught him about Jesus but she showed him Jesus by her actions. I took it as a sign from God, maybe I'll be ok one day. I'll take it. Didn't make me want to punch my WH in the face afterwards

Mickeymom posted 9/17/2017 23:40 PM

Hi tribe for the first time in almost 3 years I haven't been keeping up with our forum like I used to I rarely visit the other forums but feel a kinship here with all of you. I think I am pretty good but like you said Donna I have moments but to tell you the truth I haven't cried over the A in at least 6 months I do continue to feel my strength grow, but like many here I don't have the same patience I used to I have changed, but this is me now.
Insearchofme: I am sorry you felt alone and not heard here I can remember times posting and not getting a response and feeling betrayed and rejected, even though it wasn't that more me feeling just to vulnerable and easily hurt.
So I am glad your feeling better and church was better for you it's strange how those things work theirselves out.
I wish our tribe peace for the coming week.

amanda123 posted 9/18/2017 07:34 AM

Insearchofme, I believe it depends on what frame of mind you are in. Sometimes I feel I could tackle anything and other times I feel very fragile. It may be only 24 hours in between those times but its my state of mind.

Happy to hear the pastor finally spoke about something else, I think I would have got up and walked out if started talking about infidelity.

MalibuBayBreeze posted 9/18/2017 08:27 AM

Hello ladies. It's been a while since I posted on this forum. I've been sticking to General for some reason.

I should post more on this forum as you all truly get what dealing with the knowledge of a LTA is really like. With all due respect to all the BS's here, I'd take him having had a ONS over this any day.

We do not have an A season in LTA's. The entire year is enveloped in it's web. I'm entering a particularly difficult time filled with emotional land mines. I'm trying to break it all down and deal with one at a time so it's not completely over whelming.

My question ladies is this. How do you do it? How do you ever get to the point of accepting the worst has happened and begin to live again? At 18 months out, I still find myself thinking on a daily basis that I cannot believe what he did. Flashes of memories come into my head like some twisted slide show. Moments where he treated me like crap because he had checked out of our marriage and was allowing himself to fall for someone else. The things he was saying to me. The cold shoulder I received. The detachment. I just can't.

There are moments I want to run like hell. Even if I was able to, and was financially sound to do so, it scares me. I have a tremendous fear that if I end the marriage I will only wind up with another cheater. I simply can't go through this again. My body and mind can't be put through hell like this again. I'm terrified of that. Whether finding out he is cheating again or a new love is betraying me.

How do I do this? I feel like everyone else here is so much stronger than I am and I have great respect for you all. While I'm just trying to keep my head above water.

[This message edited by MalibuBayBreeze at 9:01 AM, September 18th (Monday)]

BrokenheartedWif posted 9/18/2017 08:47 AM

Insearchofme When Adultery comes up in Sermons, Sunday School, Women's Group, or Marriage group, I use it as an educational time, to try and clue in the clueless just how damaging Adultery is to the Betrayed Spouse and the Children. I don't pull any punches including calling it Fucking (because that is what they were doing) because there is no other word to describe it. I usually won't even let the word affair slide, because that is a way to make it sound less ugly, I call it Adultery.

It is painful, but I find it less painful to try and enlighten them and dispel their ignorance. It's also a way for me to swing back at Satan and his dirty lies and harm.

BrokenheartedWif posted 9/18/2017 08:51 AM

MalibuBayBreeze I take it one day at a time, and sometimes one minute at a time. I find the going a tough slough, but then I'm plowing through this crap as both a betrayed child and a betrayed spouse of Long Term Adultery and I never allowed the feelings as a betrayed child to surface so I never dealt with it.

Adultery is such a nuclear blast to the soul of the betrayed. I find I am healing as I seek out a stronger relationship with God and His healing touch. Many years of pain and suppression to work through.

needfriendshere posted 9/18/2017 11:00 AM

Malibubaybreeze,
No, we don't have an A season, do we? We're stuck in this mode of reevaluating large portions of our entire lives. Almost every day holds its share of triggers if we allow ourselves to go there. FB has been driving me crazy lately with its "We thought you might enjoy these memories from 4, 5, 6, etc. years ago." So yeah. Life hurts now a lot of the time in a way we never could have imagined pre-Dday.

Brokenheartedwif,
There is nothing wrong with being brutally honest in a group where adultsry is discussed. Especially since Hollywood tends to glamorize it.

MickeyMom,
Welcome back!! Sounds like you are doing well.

Hugs to the 3 of you and to Insearchofme, Amanda, Donna3, and Hopefull77. Hope this week finds you all in a good place. Those places DO exist. Otherwise, we'd all have gone crazy by now.

kiki1 posted 9/18/2017 11:05 AM

Hello everyone.

I'm sorry, I don't want to bring anyone down but I have no one to talk to and the information I found out Friday night is eating me from the inside out.

7 years past d day and I find out something that means I've been in false r all this time :(

He didn't meet ow 10 years ago, but 20. Oh dear God. Course he claims he didn't start ""humping" her til 10 years after. Ok.

The other thing I found was he had given me a false name for the ow. 7 years I believed it was someone it wasnt. Oh dear God. All this time he has protected her identity. Again at my expense.

R is done. I'll be leaving. I'm having a hard time processing that he could be so cruel and I don't know why. He's shown me so many times.

Thank you all for being here for me. I cannot let anyone irl. Know how foolish I was to let him back in :(

needfriendshere posted 9/18/2017 11:20 AM

(((Kiki1)))
I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how you feel. With LTA's, there are often levels of betrayal, aren't there? I am convinced it is because in most cases, emotions were involved.
I am still discovering things as well, but nothing that alters the time-frame of the LTA. I'm not sure how I'd feel if I found out it had gone on longer than 6 years.

Kiki, was R going well before you discovered this new information? I am guessing your H his it from you because he knew it would be too much. They tend to be conflict-avoidant.

If you are leaving him, you will have to tell your friends and family something. I am guessing you never told them about his A. Wishing you some peace and clarity during this very difficult time.

northeasternarea posted 9/18/2017 11:42 AM

7 years past d day and I find out something that means I've been in false r all this time :(

(((Kiki1))) False R because he is still cheating, or because he lied?

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