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Long Term Affairs Part 38

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CaliforniaNative posted 6/4/2018 12:25 PM

There is a post in the Divorce forum called fear vs reality. Many of us feared that we would not be able to make it work financially, find someone else or have happy healthy kids from a broken home. That is simply not the case and there are hundreds of examples in that thread that prove that. I walked away from a man that is a VP at a large company. He was a good father and a horrible husband. He begged me to stay and cried when he left. I did not compartmentalize his actions as if he was another person. He is a man that made bad choices for two years. He lost his moral compass. The affair and the person he is despite of it is not someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.

You will be successful on your own. Donít cower to fear. While I miss my ex, I donít miss the double life train wreck he has become. My son is much happier. I am healing from the betrayal. I will meet someone else when I am open to it. Financially I am doing fine. I can see clearly now the rain is gone.

[This message edited by CaliforniaNative at 2:52 PM, June 4th (Monday)]

amanda123 posted 6/5/2018 05:23 AM

Malibu, Hugs. Your words about feeling like having a nervous breakdown are worrying, I think we all know ourselves and how much we can handle. Sometimes we need some help from a professional. Please go and talk to your doctor.

I believe that most of us need to be in counselling. Our self esteems have been shot to pieces and we cant help feeling negative about things. When we are in this frame of mind we cant see a future or anything positive about ourselves. We are all scarred from this and it will take time to heal. Unfortunately the healing process is taking a lot longer because our spouses arent helping us by not disclosing important things that we need to know.

Malibu would your H go to counselling with you?

tapered posted 6/5/2018 07:31 AM

For WS that have left their BS for their AP (especially those that were in long term affairs), are you happier, financially more stable, able to integrate kids from both marriages harmoniously, etc?

MalibuBayBreeze posted 6/5/2018 10:06 AM

My WH would rather walk on broken glass than attend counseling with me. That's my opinion but I believe it to be true.

He's seen that there's something wrong for several days. Rather than come to me, even if to give me a hug, he does nothing. Then he will eventually get defensive saying I haven't spoken to him. I'm the one not talking. He never attempts to really find out why. Rather he likely knows it has much to do with what he has done.

Again last night he happily sat and munched popcorn while watching the Stanley Cup Finals. Hockey is and always has been a higher priority than me.

My DS is having a rough time at school. End of the year projects and regents. The stress is getting to him. He believes his father hates him. But then again he accused me of the same and I do everything for him. Tell him how smart he is. How much potential he has. That I believe he can accomplish great things but he must put forth effort. He is 14 and angry. I don't know anyone, including myself who didn't go through a phase at that age.

Leading up to DDay I felt hopeless. I believed he was preparing to leave me. At DDay when he said he wasn't going anywhere, had ended it and apologized over and over as he cried and held me, I felt hopeful. That continued as we started having date nights, spending more time together, closing the gap that had formed between us, HB. I now see it all fading and realize it was just a band aid. He never really did anything serious to fix things. Still won't. So I am back to being hopeless.

He again has ignored my request for answers. My expression of being tired of feeling like I'm going to be replaced. All he gives a fuck about is his guitar playing, watching tv, spending time in the basement, and constantly on FB. I could disappear tomorrow and I feel like he wouldn't even notice.

His acting this way makes it worse for me. It's insidious IMO. I feel like when I finally breakdown he will simply shrug and play ignorant as to what happened to me. Because he knows his not saying anything, not making any effort is extremely hurtful. I wonder if he enjoys it.

What did I marry? Why have I not been able to cut this toxic person out of my life? I have cut family members out and I barely have any family.

I hate this. I hate everything right now.

northeasternarea posted 6/5/2018 12:49 PM

My WH would rather walk on broken glass than attend counseling with me. That's my opinion but I believe it to be true.

Have you ever asked him?

MalibuBayBreeze posted 6/5/2018 13:59 PM

Northeasternarea
No, I don't have to. I know what he'll say.

Just like there's no point in trying to express my depression or anxiety or ask about his affair. They all are met with either anger, a sigh, a shaking of the head or "I don't know what to tell you". Even when trying to talk about the stress in dealing with slowly losing my mom to dementia. There's zero support.

hopeandhealing posted 6/5/2018 15:12 PM

Malibu,

I can't imagine how happiness is possible for you in your given environment. What do you get from him to keep you from leaving? I know you have children and of course they are considerations in this shit show, but I rather suspect given the choice, they would pick for their mother to be happy and healthy.

You say he wouldn't notice if you left. Could you go somewhere with a friend, leave for a few days to clear your mind and nurture some healing and give him the opportunity to see his life without you? Setting boundaries and following through with consequence when those lines are crossed is really hard, but you have to be clear on your expectations for what you need for R or gently, nothing in this situation is going to change.

I agree with CaliforniaNative who suggested you read the thread in the divorce forum called fear vs. reality. I read it a few days ago and found it to be really good. Change is so scary and seems so overwhelming, but your description of your daily status quo is just not good enough. Life is short, you deserve so much better.

northeasternarea posted 6/5/2018 15:23 PM

N

ortheasternarea
No, I don't have to. I know what he'll say.

Just like there's no point in trying to express my depression or anxiety or ask about his affair. They all are met with either anger, a sigh, a shaking of the head or "I don't know what to tell you". Even when trying to talk about the stress in dealing with slowly losing my mom to dementia. There's zero support.


MBB, you give such good advice to others. I wish you would find the strength to take some for yourself. Your WH is who he is. Either you make peace with the current situation, or you leave the situation. None of us has the power to change the past, or change another person. Stop the negative self talk.

Did you suffer from depression before the affair?

deephurt posted 6/5/2018 16:28 PM

Mbb. My wh wonít go back to therapy.

He doesnít even notice that something is wrong most of the time. You need to speak up. Iíve had to speak up. They are blind to it because they want to be. They have no idea how and why we spiral out of control or trigger. Itís foreign to them because they have wayward brains.

I gave up hoping wh would understand or foresee something. I am now just going to say when something starts to bug me.

Who asked me to marry him again-except that was almost two years ago now. Iíve told him how it makes me feel that he canít be bothered to plan it. I told him he had to plan it if he meant it and I also told him that itís now very important to me because he decimated our marriage vows.

Sometimes he looks at me with this blank stare because he doesnít understand. I have to explain it all to him and how and why things make me feel the way they do.

Try not to expect any understanding from your wh. You will be disappointed. He has to be led around by his nose and pointed in the right direction.

I agree you are going to have to make a decision at some point and time though. You canít change him and if he isnít willing to change, you will have to decide if you are willing to live like you are or you will have to make the change.

amanda123 posted 6/5/2018 16:43 PM

Malibu, you know our Hs are very similar, if you read your post and read mine from a few pages ago!! I said the same thing about me being sad or he can see me upset and crying and never asks why!!

My H did say he would come to counselling with me. That would remain to be seen as my H can change his mind so many times and I would never know till the actual time I was going.

PurpleHaze posted 6/6/2018 09:39 AM

I haven't been here in awhile but feel this is where I need to be right now. I posted my story pages back and in other places. My WH had an affair with ex gf/body buddy for 16 plus years, 16 fing years!!!!!! Although they say they didn't get together for sex the whole time that doesn't help. There was sex as well as emails, talking, sexting, communication throughout all those years often enough.

Once the affair started my WH started distancing. He worked out of town for years and although I went with him as often as possible, he seemed different, not as loving and cruel at times. My first marriage was to a cheater so when I questioned WH it was easy to blame that as MY problem. I worked hard on trust to WH and I never thought he would hurt me in that way. He knew how much I had been thru. I did start asking if there was someone else, I even asked about her, instinct? He always answered with "how could you think something so awful of me, whats wrong with you" or things along that line. So, I blamed myself for years. Obviously it was me that had issues, everyone thought WH adored me. For fing years I blamed myself. I knew something was wrong but he was a good, honest man that would never intentionally hurt me. Like some of you, cruel things were said along the way, some of them came out of my mouth.

I am so damn hurt and so damn angry. For years I felt confused, like maybe I was crazy, like of course he would have issues with me, I am damaged. He encouraged that thinking.The thing is, I was happy after my divorce. I loved my kids, my home, my job. I never intended to remarry. Then I met WH and he rocked my world. I moved accross the state for his job, I had the third back surgery, had a baby and two teenagers. I tried to make us a new home and he was sent back to where we came from for work. He then started his affair with MOW. He became distant, more short with me, would get angry with my weekend chore list.

I am not ok right now. I was in shock till January when my body just collapsed. Months of shaking, high BP, throwing up, passing out from throwing up and my body gave out. I am quite small now. I just could not fathom how knowing my past, he could hurt me for so many years and watch me struggle. I go to IC, sometimes MC, do yoga, massage, acupuncture and try to stay positive but lately I am losing that.

Early on, I texted with MOW, I was looking for truth. That was a huge mistake, she gave me some truth but I also got to see what a self centered, lying, vapid bitch she was. It also gave her the opportunity to block contact with her husband.

I read a lot of pain here and I am sorry for anyone going thru the hell of an LTA. I can't say that a ONS doesn't hurt but for me, there is a special pain of knowing that the person I trusted and supported for years could so easily lie to my face for years.

MailibuBayBreeze, I so hear you right now and hope you have support. My mom had dementia and that is another kind of hell. Huge hugs to you.

Sorry to ramble on. Right now I feel like typing curse words until I knock myself out.

northeasternarea posted 6/6/2018 11:35 AM

(((PurpleHaze))

PurpleHaze posted 6/6/2018 13:49 PM

northeasternarea, tx for the hug. I have been diving in and out of the rabbit hole a lot lately. My first Dday anniversary is next month and I found thinking of you crap texts from last June. Sometimes the sleep Gods punish me and I dream of WH and OW having sex which usually results in waking up stunned, sometimes crying, always hurt. Other times I am rewarded with beautiful dreams of living in a glass house all alone right on the ocean. On those days I wake up and for less than a minute feel great and then I remember "this is now your life". I get up and work on changing my mood and attitude but today, obviously it hasn't worked.

I don't know if I can do this. He has lied to me at times since DDay about stupid shit that really doesn't matter. I have no idea how much he has lied cause well...he lies. How on earth can anything top an A of over 16 years. Somedays I just want to crawl in the rabbit hole, cover it up and sleep for a year.

I feel weak at times for staying and strong that I have come this far. I don't know myself anymore other than I know I am very different. I'm 59 and don't know who I am and I sure don't know who I will be. I don't know if I want R or D or if right now it matters. Friends who think I should leave no longer talk to me and the ones that don't disagree, I just make them uncomfortable. I have been lonely in my life but have never before felt alone. It's like I'm stuck and every time I go to a good place I will fall down hard.

Another ramble, at least this is a good place to run off the crazy in my head.

gmc94 posted 6/6/2018 16:40 PM

HopeAndHealing:

"You can meet somebody tomorrow who has better intentions for you than someone you have known forever. Time means nothing, character does".

thank you for this. I want to frame it and put it on my living room wall

and this:

I have a daily internal struggle with "staying with a cheater", compromising my integrity

My IC really chides me when I relate this issue with MY integrity, as it was my WH who lost all integrity - not me. In my head, I know she's right. But I cannot get my emotional self to process that. Most of the time, even if my WH and I are having a "good" moment, it just feels WRONG for me to still be here. That I've lost my self respect. (and interesting note - I've been ruminating a lot about DIGNITY lately. Looked at every book on adultery I had and searched for that word. NONE of them discuss the BS's dignity... one even only used that word when discussing the AP I am still surprised at this. I feel my WH STOLE my dignity. I was foolish enough to think it was safe with him... but stole it he did.)

Same issue with every family photo, etc. Dates are a CONSTANT trigger.... everything is before/after the PA began... but the entire M is tainted bc it was an old GF he remained in contact with (but kept COMPLETELY secret from me) for our entire R. If only I could see that he looks at those photos with any sense of guilt or remorse or anything. In his mind, it was a great vacation and his A had ZERO impact on the M (he is better, but still sometimes says it wasn't "significant" to him ).

Just wanted to say thanks - your words resonate.
I hate this hell. Another day full of tears for me... seems like I should start marking the days when I DON'T cry (can't remember last one like that).

Godspeed to us all.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 4:43 PM, June 6th (Wednesday)]

PurpleHaze posted 6/6/2018 18:18 PM

(((gmc94))) Yes, shit but yes.

hopeandhealing posted 6/6/2018 23:16 PM

((((gmc)))),

I am glad the words resonated. I have read and read on this site and have found many pieces which have resonated with me and definitely helped with the healing. It is an amazing community of compassionate strangers all helping each other to heal. We have these glimpses into people's lives at their most painful and vulnerable times and everybody tries to help. It is really human nature at it's best.

Robin Williams said "I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone". That absolutely breaks my heart and I feel there are some BS on this site and in this thread who are living this and deserve so very much more. Life is so short, live it fully.

I understand your ICs position on integrity and agree my integrity is not diminished by my WH's actions, but I can't help but feel by staying, I am compromising myself and my integrity.

They don't see things like pictures or anniversaries as tainted. My WH sees the photos and says "no, those images captured the real event and emotion behind it" My dialogue says "Really? Cause you probably just f-ed your live blow up doll, aka whore #3 a couple of hours earlier". You see the discrepancy of our internal dialogues!!

My WH says all the time that his APs meant nothing to him and they seemingly didn't as he went NC as soon as he was done or felt the heat that I was getting close to discovering. Cold turkey, no contact.

For awhile I had a hard time reconciling his selfishness towards his APs (as odd as that is), thinking, you used these woman for sex...how can I be ok being with someone who treats women that way? I have now come to believe they used each other. They went in with their eyes wide open and got something out of it too. They used each other.

At the end of the day, my WH is very remorseful and doing all he can to help me heal. I don't know if it will be enough and he knows that. For me, the big piece is staying with someone capable of inflicting such pain, betrayal and lies. That may just be a burden I don't want to live with, regardless of how hard he tries and who he shows me he is.

I am trying to look at it as "would I pick him based on who he is showing me he is today", but I always come back to "I would never pick a cheater".

If I can't be truly happy with him, then I would rather be alone.

gmc, I hope you can count tomorrow as a tear free day. Virtual hugs to everyone living the LTA nightmare.

12and20years posted 6/7/2018 08:27 AM

GMC- that's why i needed to get out. I look at everything as pre or post A- anything post A is colored, i don't believe any smiles in the pictures, anything written in an anniversary card- it was all a lie- i only think of time i spent with my family friends or son as real. Anything done with WH is not legitimate, not real- especially pictures of the 2 of us on vacation smiling or out for an anniversary dinner, his facebook posts wishing me a happy anniversary "to his love" it;s all crap. I CAN'T BELIEVE A WORD THAT COMES OUT OF HIS MOUTH!!! and i couldn't live the rest of my life like that.

CaliforniaNative posted 6/9/2018 21:19 PM

For those of you trying R do you ever discuss the money spent on these long term affairs? If so, do you know how much was spent and what if anything will be done? The reason why I am asking is in D the W H/W has to pay 50 back.

amanda123 posted 6/10/2018 16:35 PM

CaliforniaNative, We dont discuss A unless i have one of my meltdowns and start dragging things out of him so I dont know how much he spent on her over the many years, he did lots of TT and minimising.

I do know he bought her a ring and a few small gifts. I imagine she paid for her own hotel room and her plane flights because we have always been doing it tough financially. All of this makes me really angry because we could have used that money he spent on her for something way more important, our kids.

northeasternarea posted 6/10/2018 19:39 PM

I married later in life and outearned my WH. We have joint funds and individual funds.Any money spent on the whore came from his funds. During our separation he deposited his share of the household expenses on time every month.if he incurred any debt it is in his name only.

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