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Long Term Affairs Part 38

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amanda123 posted 5/27/2018 05:22 AM

deephurt perhaps its about the not knowing everything, my H TTd so much to me over the years. Im still wondering and things are still coming up even 3 years after the last contact he had with her. To me its obvious Im still asking the questions because I dont have the answers.

I remember H after his heart surgery needed to buy some new clothes he was going to a work day seminar and wanted to look nice. We went out and bought new clothes for him as he had lost a fair amount of weight due to the surgery etc. I thought he was being a little fussy and was asking my opinion on which shirts looked better we ended up buying a couple and some new jeans. He went on the seminar later that week. He got home around 7.30pm which I thought was late. He said he and the boys went for a bite to eat afterwards. I thought it was rather strange that he didnt mention the seminar to me normally he would talk about what went on. He didnt mention it at all, infact I had to ask the questions. He was rather quiet that night and when we went to bed he was not in the mood for sex, first time ever that he wasnt in the mood, Im pretty sure I smelt her on him. I had no idea that she was here then infact he was supposed to have been no contact. Wasnt until I did a time line and with her telling me. My nose was right!!!

He has never volunteered anything to me, I have always had to push the questions. Last Saturday night he said that if he is still causing me so much pain then perhaps it is better if we split up. I said some of the pain is coming from you not answering my questions. I told him I have heard her side of the story but not yours, he said there is nothing to tell!!

I dont know that I would feel any better without him, we have been together for such a long time I know i would miss him terribly. What I do know is that if he had of come clean or answered my questions then I wouldnt still be going around in circles now. I would have most of the answers and would probably be working on the healing.

For me its a case of also feeling like plan B. Although he says if he wanted to be with her he would have been. According to her she gave up waiting for him to leave me. He begged her not to leave him he said she would break his heart. He asked for more time apparently thats what he had been doing for years to her. She got fed up waiting and thats when she decided to spill all the beans on him to me.

deephurt posted 5/27/2018 09:36 AM

Mow said she would tell her bh the full truth and leave nothing out but I know she was lying to him because she was throwing my wh under the bus. Not my problem but that seems to be the case with all wsís Lie, deflect blame, gaslight. Anything to lessen the hole they dug themselves into.

I used to feel like plan b but through reflection. I can see he never wanted to leave and was never interested in a life with her. He was a cake eater. I believe she was trying to replace her bh with my wh but she never admitted to that. She would compliment my wh on how great of a provider he was for us and what a great dad he was. Her bh was out of work at this point and it infuriated her because he was t really looking.

So many of our stories are similar in many ways.

I remember smelling perfume in wh. It was awful perfume too. He said that a lady sprayed perfume in herself while walking by him and he walked right through the mist. He even said how angry he was with her. Except he smelled like her because he was rolling around in top of her.

What I donít understand is how wh was having sex with someone who previously repulsed him. He originally said she was an awful person and it attractive. I guess it must have been denial as there was nothing happening at that time. I showed him a picture of her after dday and he didnít recognize her. I left the picture on the computer and he said who is that. He says he doesnít remember her face. His memory is of a person with no head. He vomited when I made him discuss the details of sex with her. I do t understand. If thatís not god, I donít k ow what is.

northeasternarea posted 5/27/2018 12:48 PM

Does anyone else flinch involuntarily when your WH touches you?

deephurt posted 5/27/2018 17:43 PM

Very early in I did on occasion. It no I donít flinch. I love it when he touches me. I also had hb so I wanted to be touched a lot.

We are in what I would call a very successful r. The day to day is really good. For me itís sadnesa and some left over anger that Iím still dealing with. Iím not sure if I will ever get past where I am now but I will ride out this journey, hopefully to the end.

Is the flinching something new?

northeasternarea posted 5/28/2018 10:48 AM

It doesnít happen all the time. And it is fairly recent.

deephurt posted 5/28/2018 18:25 PM

Is there any antiversaries coming up?

For me, I find I go in stages. For the most part, I am super happy and feel very positive about our future. Then I have times that I get really down and really angry again. Nothing new happens, just my mood changes.

I have never flinched when wh touches me.

Is it flinching in disgust, are you startled?

northeasternarea posted 5/28/2018 18:52 PM

On Memorial Day four years ago, WH was living with his whore. He took me to breakfast, and we bought landscaping materials and worked in the yard all day. How crazy was I?

amanda123 posted 5/28/2018 23:31 PM

deephurt, not that it matters now but do you think your H said that about OW not being attractive and was negative about her to put you off so that you wouldnt ever suspect anything was ever going to happen between the two of them? My H said negative things about OW how she was computer illiterate and she couldnt do things like he was the big hero having to explain things to her and how to do them. She would call the house and ask to speak to him because she had a problem that only my H could fix and he would say Oh what now!! I believe that was a ploy to make me think that he didnt want to have anything much to do with her. It worked!

northeasternarea I dont flinch but I have become a little numb to his touch. I think its a mental thing with me.

deephurt posted 5/30/2018 15:58 PM

Wow Amanda. How similar can waywards be. She used to call the house and he would act like she was bugging him again and again. He would say she was driving him crazy but he was eating up the ďyour such a great guyĒ, ď your such a great coachĒ, ď your such a great fatherĒ. She would say she didnít know what she would do without him and I know the exact day (now) that she fell for him.

I remember asking him years before the a (I think) if he thought she was attractive and he said no.

Who knows though right? I am not deceptive like that and I used to ask him that kind of thing all the time and I never cared if he thought someone else was attractive. I never believe he would hurt me so bad. Now, if I see him look at a woman, I want to punch him in the face. I know what he is capable of now and of course his actions have seriously harmed my self esteem. I know I am attractive and I know people of both sexes comment in my looks but I see it as though, still not enough for him-you know?

We are working together now and itís been difficult at times. Some tensions at work are coming home and I feel like we are becoming more distant instead of closer. Iím not convinced that itís a good idea but I will give it more time.

amanda123 posted 5/30/2018 23:12 PM

deephurt, I was never deceptive either. Infact H always told me I was too trusting. Naive to a large degree and too honest at times, to my own detriment.

Now because of him I question everything and in particular his motives. It has also made me more curious in knowing how his mind works. After I caught him out lying to me (which I must admit was a huge shock to not even see him falter in any way) I decided to study body languange!! When we were laying on the bed together I asked him when he had last been in contact with OW, he immediately got annoyed I could tell due to him huffing didnt need to study body language for that, he then mumbled something like I dont know not for a long time whenever it was I told you last time he said this while he ran his hand over his mouth. I knew he was lying then.

If Im now a crazy pyscho I only have him to thank.

He wishes he could take it all back now, all of it, he says he will be making it up to me for as long as he lives. I keep telling him its too late its done. He says that if it is still hurting me then perhaps we should split up. To me its like he is saying stop asking me questions cos I dont want to answer them anymore. Ummmm sooo what happened to him making it up to me for the rest of his life? I know as long as I dont mention it again!!

Deephurt my H has never complimented me ever. Never said i was pretty or attractive or I look nice. That's the narcissistic side of him. He loves the compliments but not quick in giving them out. Perhaps your H is the same with you. It does hurt us and it does play havoc with our self esteem. Its funny that other people can give us the compliments but the people that we really want to hear it from dont say it.

hopeandhealing posted 5/31/2018 01:24 AM

I am new to this thread, though feel this is where I might belong. I have not yet been able to make my way through the many pages, but am doing so slowly.

My WH had 4 LTA over the span of 12 years of our marriage (from about year 4 to year 16 - we have been married 21 years). His As totalled about 5 years, each lasting between 1-1.5 years. I found all this out quite by accident in August 2017. In many ways, since the last one ended 5 years ago, I wish I had never learned of them at all. Things (not surprisingly) had gotten better since he stopped f-ing whores (still some lingering anger).

My H is very remorseful, says he is all in until I say otherwise. He says he can't understand how he made the choices he did, that this APs were in essence masturbation tools, as he never loved them, didn't spend time with them outside of hooking up, didn't go to movies, dinner etc. It was NSA sex with co workers who were seemingly willing to engage (I will never understand this). He ended all the As as they "ran their course". The last one ended when I read a text between him and a coworker which crossed the line. He ended it the next day...no fog for him. I do believe his goal was to get off. He didn't need an emotional connection, he had that with me. He just wanted more sex.

I have lived the roller coaster the past 9 months, as we all have, but find recently, now that the HB has ended, that I just can't fathom staying with someone who is capable of causing such pain and selfish decision making. He also gifted me HPV, which is an enormous source of stress for me and has resulted in the need for treatment. I actually think that's the biggest part that I can't seem to accept...that I now have this virus with potential dire consequences because of his selfishness. My blood boils and my heart sinks every time I think about it. I don't think I will ever forgive.

Everyone here struggles with the LTA component. How do you reconcile the magnitude of their choices and move forward? I feel so very broken, stuck and heartbroken that this is my life. I know I have to accept this is now part of my story and it will be beside me forever (hopefully further back in the rear view mirror). I have a very hard time enjoying my time with him and he is trying, showing me he is a safe partner. He is in IC, as am I and we are also in MC. I just wonder whether with that magnitude of betrayal and lies, it is even possible to ever be happy again.

Thanks for allowing me to vent.

hopeandhealing posted 5/31/2018 01:28 AM

Amanda,

I am sorry your H has never complimented you, that is not ok. He needs to add that to his repertoire of making it up to you for the rest of his life. You deserve to be told you are beautiful.

amanda123 posted 5/31/2018 06:00 AM

Hopeandhealing, Welcome and please vent as much as you like, we are all here leaning on each other for support.

After reading your story I am wondering if your H has a sex addiction. If he did not have any other involvement with the women except for his co worker, then perhaps that is his issue. I am always looking for a reason other than plain selfishness.

I am sorry to hear that he gave you HPV I dont blame you for being upset about that. It would be very difficult to move forward from the LTAs while you are being reminded of it all the time needing to have treatment for it.

That is the thing once they are caught and it is out, they are nearly all very sorry and seem to try do their best with R. I think I would have less of an issue (perhaps not as I have quite a few with my H) if he had of come to me and volunteered the information himself instead of me hearing it from OW and having to drag it out of him.

Hopeandhealing your Dday was only less than a year ago. Give it some time and see how things go. Forgiveness is not going to happen overnight, some people do manage to forgive others cant and that is understandable. As far as happiness is concerned that is a tough one. I can only speak for myself some days I am fine and I feel somewhat happy but there are other days when I still feel like crying especially when something triggers me. If he ever told me that I was pretty or beautiful or anything of the nature I wouldnt believe it as it is too late to start telling me now. He didnt have any issues telling OW those things, sad but true.

deephurt posted 5/31/2018 08:16 AM

Amanda. Iím sorry to hear that your wh doesnít compliment you. Mine does. Even more now but it doesnít help because I always think-but not enough or why wasnít I enough. He tells me how other people comment on how pretty I am and he seems to be so proud but I think- yeah okay but my looks sure didnít make a difference before.

My wh isnít a narcissist. He does have and anxiety disorder. It seems very easy for him to compliment me. It just doesnít have the impact that it used to have.

Last night he said he always worries about me and if I am okay. All I could think was-bullshit. All you thought about was you and what you want. I hope itís true now because it sure as hell wasnt while he was screwing mow and talking to her all day, everyday. That makes me feel like I am less than.
Probably everyone here understands that feeling.

My wh also says that he will spend the rest of his life making up for it. There is no way to make up for this kind of trauma imho. All her can do is be the best he can and never even consider stepping over that line again. It may ever be enough though.

My m is better but that ďthingĒ is missing now.

Hopeandhealing-welcome. Sorry you have a reason to be here.

You are very new from dday, please take care of yourself. You are probably still in the Marr stage and I found the anger stage to be highly volatile and yet sometimes cathartic.

Imho-ltaís are probably one of the more difficult things to get over.

There was feeling involved in my whís lta, although he swears he didnít live her, he did tell her that he loved her too.

None of it is easy to get over. I know he never had any real intention in leaving me for her and neither said there was talk if it but there is a questionable text that makes me think there may have been. His actions say that he was never leaving.

The roller coaster is real. If you decide to r, it is difficult and if you decide to d itís difficult. You have every right to decide whichever is best for you.

Remember this is your pain, your rules.

steadychevy posted 5/31/2018 08:18 AM

I'm so sorry you are here, hopeandhealing. Given the circumstance, though, I'm glad you found this place - SI and the LTA thread. Lots of knowledge here gained through the worst school of hard knocks I can imagine.

I'm sorry too that you have a lasting physical reminder of betrayal on top of the psychological and emotional. My WW didn't use any protection, after all he was such a fine upstanding fellow who she knew cheated on his wife with another woman (women?), but STD testing 6 to 7 years after the physical adultery ended came back clean. Many, including you, were not so fortunate and it's not one a little penicillin would cure. You have my sympathies.

As you've read on SI healing takes years. Time. But time doesn't do the job by itself. It takes work, too. I'm glad you're getting IC (and your WH). If it seems the MC is just trying to get you past this and/or getting you to take some of the responsibility for his choices then I would suggest dropping the MC. My usual position is that a lot of IC is required by the WS before MC should be considered but the decision is yours.

Again, I'm so sorry about the totally unnecessary trauma you've had injected into your life. My best wishes to you whether you go to R or D.

steadychevy posted 5/31/2018 08:50 AM

deephurt, the "lovely" thing about LTAs is there's antiversaries spread throughout the year. My 41 anniversary is coming up in a little over 2 weeks. Her adultery started weeks after our 25th which we celebrated well. Trouble is she doesn't remember the timing of the first "event". Could have been before our 25th.

Amanda, something you wrote caught my eye. I was very complimentary to my WW. I could provide example after example covering a very broad range of things. An example is that I found her to be more and more attractive every year - like fine wine. I thought she was beautiful when we wed but maturity made her even more so. But so much more than that.

One of my Love Languages is words of affirmation and top rankings (no. 5) from His Needs Her Needs was admiration. I don't remember much of those through the marriage. I believe she was proud of me as a husband, father, professional and person. She did attend banquets with me when I was honoured - like when I was awarded the second highest honour my profession bestows. I think she liked that.

The thing is she doesn't remember any of my compliments. What she remembers is if I wasn't as supportive as she thought I should, if I disagreed with her, if I criticized or challenged or offered alternatives. There were far more compliments than any of those but that's what she remembers. Her AP never complimented. There were never any gifts, cards, meals, romantic times, actual dates, One ILY in four years, never even sat down at his house, never spent the night together even when they could.

The thing that resonated was that WW doesn't remember my compliments. She told me so herself. She doesn't remember me praising her to others in front of her. She knows her AP didn't compliment or praise her. I guess I prefer to think that he didn't making it even more tawdry but maybe he did and she just doesn't remember. It almost seems she wanted to be treated like shit.

hopeandhealing posted 5/31/2018 10:05 AM

Thanks for your thoughtful replies.

I am not sure if he is a sex addict. His last A ended abruptly when I read a text 5 years ago. Me being the trusting person I am, he explained it away as flirting and acknowledged that it crossed the line. He said she was married too (not true, she was divorced I later found out) and nothing was happening (also a big fat lie, as he had been f---ing her for the previous 18 months). That said, he clearly got scared that I would find out and he stopped the A and didn't initiate another one. I think the bottom line is he is selfish, felt entitled, has a work environment which looks the other way on these things and can compartmentalize like he developed the strategy himself. He is a very good liar.

I have read how long it takes to recover from infidelity, I suppose I am impatient, I just want the roller coaster to end, to feel genuinely happy again and I am scared I will never be able to feel this way again with my WH. That every time I look at him, all I will continue to feel is hurt, loss and regret.

My biggest sadness comes from my children's lives being impacted by his selfishness. We don't have divorce in my family, everyone has been together forever. If their discovery of this causes them 1% of the pain I have felt, that is too much. My children are 19 and 16 and we have told them nothing to date.

Steady, I am sorry your wife doesn't remember your compliments. I think many W rewrite their stories to make their awful decisions ever so slightly more palpable. I can't imagine living with the shame of causing someone you love the worst pain of their lives.

deephurt posted 5/31/2018 15:46 PM

Steady. My 31st Anniversary is next week. Initially we had sex with now once and ended that part. The second time they took the relationship physical, I suspect was around our 25th. We went away for the weekend and she was not happy about it wh told me. Wh doesnít remember the dates either.

My wh only remembers anything that can be considered negative. He doesnít hear me when I compliment him. Even if I just donít agree with something he will say ď Iím wrong againĒ
He always thinks I am telling him he is wrong.

Hopeandhealing-unfortunately there is no quick way through this. If you try to rug sweep or bury it, it will come back and it can come back with health problems. Going through it head in and not trying to rush it is your best way to heal imho. It does take a long time and just when you think you are there, it comes back and smacks you in the heart again. Each time is just a little less painful.

I still think of it every day, it just doesnít hurt as much as it did initially. I am 4 years from dday and three from the end (hopefully) of the day I found out the whole truth.

This is the very best place to help you heal and to vent. That is my opinion of course but I would not be as far as I am today without this site. I am sure I would have gone out of my mind or followed through with committing suicide.

steadychevy posted 5/31/2018 23:52 PM

I think my WW genuinely doesn't remember them possibly because she couldn't hear them, they didn't mean anything to her or something. Maybe they weren't part of her love languages or her needs. I don't know but I believe she genuinely doesn't remember any. She does remember anything perceived as negative.

amanda123 posted 6/1/2018 02:56 AM

For me its difficult not to remember all the nasty not nice comments that he has said to me over the years, plus I keep a diary just in case i ever forget. I would certainly highlight anything positive that he has said.

Steady its sad to hear your words about your wife not hearing your nice positive comments that you gave her. I know I would have.

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