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Long Term Affairs Part 38

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donna3 posted 5/9/2018 20:49 PM

Sorry, gmc. You are heard. Everything is so new and raw for you.. no we will never get over it. We just have to find a way to live with it or go crazy. At 4.5 years out it still hurts like hell on the days I let it. But it no longer debilitates me at least.

Part of a text from my H today:
I have put a hole in your heart that I donít think will ever heal and that will haunt me for the rest my life

At least he knows where I stand. I did not deny these words back to him. There will always be a hole. And there is absolutely nothing that can be done about that. I will never understand his thinking. I just need to leave it behind.

Do what you need to do for yourself. Hopefully your H will step up to the plate. Only you should decide what is best for you. Take care

gmc94 posted 5/10/2018 00:54 AM

Thanks Donna3....

seeing you 4+ years out is daunting to me.

I don't think I will ever understand....

I once thought I could forgive - but even that seems out of the realm of possibility (at least in this moment).

It's all just so frigging hard and hurtful.

We all try to work on ourselves - but I just can't seem to swallow the sh*t sandwich I've been served.

deephurt posted 5/10/2018 12:26 PM

Yes, I am 4 years out from initial dday and while it doesnít consume my day either, I think if it daily.

Itís like a sadness that creeps up daily.

I so t think shit sandwich is a strong enough term but yes, itís massive.

Donna-at least your wh will acknowledge it still. Mine wonít being anything up-ever. If I bring it up, i can see the fear in his face.

I do believe itís a life sentence in a way. My m is happy. My wh is doing so much to make me happy. I am happy for the most part. Itís because I have changed heís so much and because I know I will never have the m that I wanted. I will never trust him again like I used to.

I have rebuilt some trust but there is always that thought in my head-what if. What if he isnít where his phone says he is. What if he has a burner phone. What if , what if. I donít know if that will w we end.

I donít trust anybody anymore. I used to believe people until they prove to be liars. Now I aaauem they are liars until they prove not to be. Itís a stressful way to live, tbh.

Early after dday, I felt like a zombie. I couldnít eat, sleep or drink. I lost 25 lbs unless that two weeks and 45 in two months. I was dehydrated. I was a walking mess. I couldnít function at all. My day was full of visions of my wh having second with that slut. I couldnít do anything g without mind movies invading my life. It was like a daily aaaault.

It is soooo much better now but they do fear their ugly heads.

I havenít been in a good place for a few weeks now. I am pretty sure itís because ddays antiversaries just passed

I would never have married him had I k own he was capable of hurting me so much. I honestly thought he loved me enough to never want to hurt me. I mean he said that to me. Yet he says he always loved me. I donít see almost a decade of lying, manipulation and betrayal as love in any way. I think he resend fee me and didnít care if he hurt me. I donít believe he loves me during that time.

I often wonder, what has changed that he loves me so much now? Just because he was caught? Why now does he see me as awesome. He has told me I am the best person he knows. Itís very difficult to believe that itís really real now yet he is not wavering in his actions and they do show me that he lives me-now.

PurpleHaze posted 5/10/2018 18:55 PM

gmc, Donna, deephurt, I posted a page back, this really is one messed up ride. After so much pain, anger is now in the race and she is up front. How could he LIE to my face for so long? Use my past pain to gaslight and hurt me for someone he says he never loved? Say he doesn't think about her anymore, really?? When I missed him and sometimes cried, he phoned me to say he missed me but he had just been inside of her. He smelled of her and thought of her, she was in our bed in our trailer and I was home with our daughter missing him. There are no words to describe how it feels. Yes, of course we want them to understand the unbelievable pain, the mind movies the torture. If he had instead beat me I would be missing an eye, a few limbs, need heart surgery and all that is before dealing with what goes on in my mind. The cruelty of infidelity is truly mind boggling.

Donna, it sounds like your WS gets it. Not sure if mine does. He reads the books, goes to MC, tries to be kind but get it, I don't know.

gmc, the sh&t sandwich, to me that is kind. I don't think I will ever understand and like you I don't know if I can forgive. Not sure if I want to. The pain is horrible and it feels like even though I did nothing to deserve this mess, I am the one with huge consequences.

deephurt, four years out, I cannot imagine. I too wonder why the hell am I worth it now? I don't trust anything, its more like watching but I am assaulted with so much. While I am so much better than I was, not sure if that is saying much. My trust has been so violated. Since anger is frontrunner now, I guess I will have to see how that goes. You said your in a hard place, I am sorry you are feeling that way. It really is a roller coaster and I hope it feels better for you soon.

12and20years posted 5/11/2018 00:27 AM

Chaos,exactly! I am in process of D. And the 5 years was what did it for me- I canít get past that- and he said it was on and off - so he made the conscious decision to start back up with her very few months and then ramped it up - this making it easier for me to figure it out. He made that decision over an over- to be unfaithful to destroy his sonís world, to put his job at risk, to put my health at risk. He didnít care/ yet he says he didnít love her/ I call BS on that too- then why, keep going back instead of strengrhibg your marriage- you made a decision to thrown it away every day for 5 years. He still works with her too. He lied so much that I knew Iíd never be able to trust him again and I didnít want to live my life being suspicious- itís no way to live. He is still very protective of himself and her. And today when i caught him hiding in the garage on the phone- so I couldnít hear anything. (Stuck living in same house for now)- I realized something- I could care less who heís talking too and who heís sleeping with all I want is signed divorce papers and for him to stop playing victim - she also cheated on her husband so clearly they deserve each other. His paranoia is priceless at time.

amanda123 posted 5/11/2018 16:47 PM

I know my H doesnt get it. He was acting like he was the one who was hurt and offended about a 4 page letter that I wrote and said what an asshole he had been to me.

I can relate to almost everyone here. We still experience the hurt and anger and all the questions of why didnt they respect us enough to not do something that is just so wrong. Obviously marriage vows about committment dont mean shit to my H.

When I think back I know there were signals that I totally missed. I dont know maybe im just a dumbass that let things go over my head. He always use to say to me I am too trusting. I use to say you know that is just me its in my nature. I never dreamed ever that he would be the one to break it. Well he fixed that flaw that I had, I will never fully trust him again.

I hope everyone has a lovely Mother's day weekend. One more thing that I remember every year ages ago he told me he wasnt getting me anything for Mother's day as I wasnt his mother!! What a great guy!!

12and20years posted 5/12/2018 22:35 PM

Omg- wh said the same thing to me on my first motherís dat- Iím not his mom so he didnít have to get me anything!!!! They really are all the same! I find peace in knowing that sometimes.

deephurt posted 5/12/2018 23:50 PM

My wh has always bought me something die Motherís Day. He said he didnít this year. I donít know what to make if that. I

I see many changes in wh. Good changes. When I see him reverting to some of his old ways (not infidelity related) it makes me really nervous.

I really donít understand how someone finds a way to give themselves permission to have any sort of an a but a lta? That takes something seriously fucked up

Happy Mothers Day to all you wonderful mothers.

steadychevy posted 5/13/2018 20:29 PM

Happy Mother's Day ladies whether mothers or not.

I don't understand LTAs either, deephurt. Somewhere in the 4 years I would think it might have occurred to WW that this could be really bad for husband, children (basically grown) and marriage if it ever got out. Didn't seem to occur to her.

Didn't bother her at all to have the reception for our eldest daughter's wedding in the same hotel that was significant to her adultery, either. Makes me wonder what would bother her.

gmc94 posted 5/14/2018 22:28 PM

SteadyChevy:

Makes me wonder what would bother her.

Amen.

I wonder this about my WH every. single. day.

deephurt posted 5/15/2018 06:43 AM

Thanks for the Happy Mothers Day Steadychevy

I wonder also.

There have been numerous people lately telling me how young I look, how beautiful or gorgeous I am. Which is nice and I am not bragging, I donít feel like itís true and I have a friend who feels like I need therapy because I donít see it.
The point I am trying to make though, is that wh takes delight in telling me when someone says that to him. It has happened over the years. Now when he tells me, I want to follow up with, but not beautiful enough not to cheat on. Or but you didnít think so. Or, if Iím so great why did you want someone else? Etc etc etc. these thought come to my mind the second that he tells me when someone else says something like that.

Itís nice to hear but it falls on deaf ears now. I can see my wh telling me with pride, but itís more of a trigger, yet itís aomethinf I think I need to hear to feel better about myself.

Intillectually, I know his cheating has nothing to do with me at all, including what I look like but emotionally, his cheating-especially for so long, feels like a big fu. Like saying, Iím a horrible ugly persona in the inside and outside, therefore anyone and everyone would have cheated on you.

donna3 posted 5/15/2018 08:42 AM

yes, deephurt, this A hit my self esteem so very hard. I wasn't good enough - she was younger, thinner, much more sexier than me. like you said, my brain knows that the A was on him and not on me. But I walk around feeling "not enough" There had to be something about her for him to risk losing it all for almost three years. He told me sex with her was amazing , all the way to the end. She as his "best friend" and she gave him what he "needed" at the time. Nevermind that I needed things from him but never went elsewhere to find them. This whole thing is just one big blow to how I feel about myself. My H says/does things to try to make me feel special daily but somehow it is not enough. The damage was done and I absolutely don't feel special at all. It might be time for me to see someone i just keep putting it off

northeasternarea posted 5/15/2018 10:01 AM

Thanks for the Mother's Day wish, steadychevy.

I do believe itís a life sentence in a way. My m is happy. My wh is doing so much to make me happy. I am happy for the most part. Itís because I have changed heís so much and because I know I will never have the m that I wanted. I will never trust him again like I used to.

This is what I am trying to be at peace with. He is who he is, I am who I am, and it is what it is. I think we have plateaued. What I have come to understand is that based on who I am, I will never be completely over it. And he knows I don't trust him with my heart.

PurpleHaze posted 5/15/2018 11:02 AM

Deep hurt, Donna, there are debates on what hurts more LTA or shorter. As my WH gave me the messed up gift of 16 years I'm gonna go out on a limb and say LTA! It was a f u, slap in the face over and over again. Though they went years without sex at times, even then, they talked and sexted. Like freaking teenagers. OW is married and no prize. She is not prettier, smarter, etc. She is a slut and I don't use that word usually. I really don't think it is about ow but of course we feel that way because we were here, taking care of things, loving our spouse, and they chose to hurt us in the deepest of ways.

Our self esteem takes a HUGE hit. We question our lives, was anything real. How did I miss that? On and on we question everything. I have not decided to r or d but I am trying to work on myself. I do see that my WH is very broken. That does not excuse his awful, selfish choices nor give him a pass. Due to shock, illness, fast weight loss after DDay, I aged quite a bit. At first and still at times I feel awful about my appearance so I tell myself, screw it, I have earned every mark I bear. It's a roadmap of my life. Then there is always the idiot I run into with a comment like "what happened to you"? of course, while I never would have said that out loud to someone I'm sure I must have thought the same about someone at sometime. Now, well, I would just have empathy for whatever hell they had traveled thru.

12and20years posted 5/16/2018 01:10 AM

For me the hardest part is now I look at everything as before and after he started the affair- half of my sonís life was spent with me living in a lie that I wasnít aware. Was happening- I canít look at pictures and question his smiles or his arm Aron d me- I know what he was doing behind my back and it makes me so angry- what they donít realize is that they can make such a major part of your marriage a lie. I canít look at anything as innocent anymore. I just look at my life so differently now- 5 years wasted, he stole 5 yearsnfrim me- if he had been man enough to divorce me/ I could have remarried , had more kids- but instead he held me hostage and with a devastatunf ransom to pay when it was over.

deephurt posted 5/16/2018 18:34 PM

I have been working with wh for 3 days now. I have two jobs. I am training on this one as part of it his pretty foreign to me. My other job, I can do mostly from anywhere and then from my home computer or home. We are suppose to be able to come and go as we please but not while I am training.

Anyway, today a client comes in and itís someone that worked for his previous employer as well. I donít think they knew each other then and itís a coincidence. We ended up chit chatting about life in general and she told me she is a bw who divorced. Major trigger. Also during the day, wh was getting me to lunch in some info in a customer regarding a car and it was the same style car that wh and mow had sex in regularly. Another trigger.

I donít know if he noticed or even thought that I may be triggering. That hurts me. I was in a bit of a mood after that and felt like snapping at him for the rest of the day. I tried to resist but I donít know if he noticed my mood or not.

Why canít they just recognize this kind of shit and bring it up themselves and try to make things better. Why canít he say something line ď I suspect that triggered you. Iím really sorry that my past behavior has caused you to have any triggers. If I could go back and make sure it never happened, I would but I canít. Since I canít, i want to remind you that I am very sorry for my horrid behavior and I want you to know that I would never do anything to ever hurt you again. I am sorry hat therenis wvwn a reason for you to be upsetĒ.

Is that too much to ask?

deephurt posted 5/16/2018 18:34 PM

I have been working with wh for 3 days now. I have two jobs. I am training on this one as part of it his pretty foreign to me. My other job, I can do mostly from anywhere and then from my home computer or home. We are suppose to be able to come and go as we please but not while I am training.

Anyway, today a client comes in and itís someone that worked for his previous employer as well. I donít think they knew each other then and itís a coincidence. We ended up chit chatting about life in general and she told me she is a bw who divorced. Major trigger. Also during the day, wh was getting me to lunch in some info in a customer regarding a car and it was the same style car that wh and mow had sex in regularly. Another trigger.

I donít know if he noticed or even thought that I may be triggering. That hurts me. I was in a bit of a mood after that and felt like snapping at him for the rest of the day. I tried to resist but I donít know if he noticed my mood or not.

Why canít they just recognize this kind of shit and bring it up themselves and try to make things better. Why canít he say something line ď I suspect that triggered you. Iím really sorry that my past behavior has caused you to have any triggers. If I could go back and make sure it never happened, I would but I canít. Since I canít, i want to remind you that I am very sorry for my horrid behavior and I want you to know that I would never do anything to ever hurt you again. I am sorry hat therenis wvwn a reason for you to be upsetĒ.

Is that too much to ask?

donna3 posted 5/17/2018 08:08 AM

Nope. I think they put it out of their minds. I would like to think because they are too ashamed of their behavior and donít consider themselves that guy any more. But a bit of compassion would go a long way.

northeasternarea posted 5/17/2018 08:52 AM

My WH has become much better with seeing and acknowledging things that have the potential to trigger me.

ernestine posted 5/17/2018 12:13 PM

Iím a longtime lurker, especially on this page. I am not a BS, but the adult daughter of one. My NPD father was a serial philanderer, and my mother chose to turn a blind eye, with an occasional confrontation (heíd swear to never do it again, sheíd believe it or pretend to, over and over and over).

Sometime in middle age, he reconnected with his college sweetheart (in his mind ďthe one who got awayĒ). They carried on an affair, EA and PA, mostly long-distance, for over 35 years. (She is also married, for over 60 years, with six children.)

For some reason, about 5 years ago my mother decided to spill the beans to my brother and I. All hell broke loose. Dad swore he was done, but he lied. My parents, in their 80s and living in a senior apartment building, had frequent and violent fights.

Dad began to get dementia and had physical problems. For the first time in her life, she felt like she had some power, but instead of leaving, she used it to antagonize him constantly. It got very ugly.

We moved Dad into assisted living. He was in a fast decline, and soon moved to nursing care. Mom moved to my city across the country, into an independent living senior apartment. Dad died a few months later.

She is now, quite literally, just waiting to die. She has given up on the idea that she will ever have happiness or fulfillment. She refuses to participate in anything that might bring even a small measure of joy. She is angry, bitter, and obsessed with my father and his mistress. She will not go to any kind of counseling, but tries to use me as a sounding board for all her anguish. I canít do it anymore. I had my own unhappy past with Dad, one I deal with in therapy. She never protected me from him, in fact she went along with him even when it was hurtful and unjust to me.

I guess Iím posting this as a sad cautionary tale. I know itís wrong to assume I know whatís right for each individual who posts, and that there are couples who manage to reconcile. But every time I read a painful post by a long-term BS, I canít help but think of how different my motherís life would have been if sheíd had the courage to leave the marriage many years ago.

I wish you all well.

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