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Long Term Affairs Part 38

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Ann5 posted 9/10/2017 15:18 PM

So sorry that we are all here feeling this pain, but very thankful to be able to reach out to others who can relate. My WH and I have worked hard and he is very committed to R, but sometimes I really feel like he doesn't get what a hypocrite he sounds like. Sometimes he talks to me about another couple we are friends with, and he criticizes the husband in this couple for "not paying attention to his wife". I feel like screaming at him! I have no idea why he would think he was in any position to judge other marriages considering he sought out attention elsewhere while I stayed home to care for our kids! Sometimes his judgement of other couples is accurate, but it makes me mad coming from him. Possible he thinks that because we have resolved many of our issues and our life is open and honest now, that he thinks he is some example of the perfect husband now. I have no idea, but to me, he has no business pointing out what other husbands are doing wrong!

amanda123 posted 9/10/2017 15:55 PM

I also remember my H making the comment "He isnt committed to the relationship" about some close friends of ours. Mind you that was in full swing of his A.

needfriendshere posted 9/11/2017 10:03 AM

Went to a concert with H and our 2 precious sons last night. DS2 got us the tickets - it's his favorite performer. DS1, who I have always thought didn't know about H's LTA held my hand all night - even while walking to the car afterwards. My heart simply melted. If he doesn't know, his instincts are spectacular. These boys? I AM CRAZY ABOUT THEM. I will never regret meeting, marrying, whatever with H. I just wish he would have thought of them when he engaged in his YEARS of selfishness and cruelty - TO.US.ALL.

Hoping you all have a good - or at least - very decent week. Hugs to you all!

amanda123 posted 9/11/2017 11:25 AM

Needfriendshere, how sweet is that. Yes I have to agree so grateful to have wonderful kids, at times they were the only things that kept me going.

amanda123 posted 9/11/2017 11:46 AM

I posted the following in another forum, writing it down does seem to paint H in a different light to what I see him. His actions in the gift giving area have been pretty poor, even though I feel we have turned the corner and he is much better in every aspect, except for that.

I can tell you that our Anniversary was a non event at the beginning of this year. Neither one of us bought each other a gift or card, we were struggling financially. We did have a restaurant gift voucher that I suggested we use on the night of our Anniversary however he was too hot and too tired after working all day in the heat mind you he did finish at 3 pm so there was lots of time for him to rest and recover and go out for dinner but nope that didnt happen. Mothers day for me was nice, as my kids did nice things for me, he didnt give me anything as "Im not his mother", fair enough. He also did nothing for my birthday which was in June, we also were low on money then, however my kids did nice things for me. Its not like he didnt know when my birthday was, he could have saved a few dollars for it, or even bought me a card or wrote on a piece of paper!! But absolutely nothing other than a happy birthday wish and a kiss.

Yesterday was his birthday, I ordered him a cake, took him out for a coffee in the morning and organised a lunch at the club with our family and closest friends. I bought him a card and wrote some meaningful things in it and saved a few dollars so that he could spend it on whatever he wanted. He seemed to appreciate it and enjoyed the whole day.

Financially a little better now with my second job but not great yet. I still managed to put money aside. I dont regret doing any of that for him, it was nice to see everyone and I mean everyone enjoying themselves. Its not about the gifts, its about taking the time or making an effort to do something special or nice for someone that you love. So far in retrospect and on paper seems pretty lacking on his part. Christmas will be here in 14 weeks lets see what happens then.

needfriendshere posted 9/11/2017 11:51 AM

Amanda123,

This is so true:

so grateful to have wonderful kids, at times they were the only things that kept me going.

I know that if it wasn't for my boys, I'd be far worse off than I am now. They have continued to bring me joy, joy, and more joy throughout this Hell that is R after an LTA.

DS2 knows and has been loving and supportive. Sadly, he has also been deeply scarred. For that, I want to punch OW out sometimes.

DS1 was never told, but I don't think he had to be. He was always the eyes and ears of our house. And he could be quiet as a mouse as he crept around at all hours. H used to skype with OW every Saturday when he thought we were all asleep - skyped her while they "touched themselves". When we cleared out our house for our big move this summer, I found a collection of poems DS1 had written during his last year of high school (2011 and 3 years into H's LTA). The pain he expressed, the sympathy he had for me (although vague) was very telling. DS2 was with me when I found them. We both wept as we read what he wrote.

I have a question for you: Do I confront DS1 about this? I mean, at this point H and I are 3 and 1/2 years into a pretty successful R. Do I open that can of worms or just keep showing DS1 that H and I are now doing well? If I do tell him, what do I say at this point???


(((Amanda123))) I had to edit my post to add this for you: I do not know what is wrong with your H. You have given him the biggest gift anyone could give a person: forgiveness or at least a chance to enter into it. Maybe gifts are not his "love language", but still...I would be hurt too. Very. And if, after what you just did for his birthday, he still does not give you anything for Christmas, I would let him know how much it hurts you and how insensitive and cold his lack of acknowledgement of who you are to him means to you. Just my 2 cents.

[This message edited by needfriendshere at 12:06 PM, September 11th (Monday)]

amanda123 posted 9/11/2017 12:19 PM

NFH Its a tough question.

I guess it all depends on a few important things is he likely to hear it from his brother? If he doesnt know already. Or is he likely to hear it from other people? You wouldnt want that to happen.

If he asked I would tell him.

One of the reasons we dont want our kids to know is because we dont want to hurt them. He sounds as though he is very close to you and he will be utterly devastated when you tell him the whole story. It then continues with all the pain associated with it and reliving the entire thing over again. Your son will most likely be resentful to your H on your behalf, which is normal and that creates uneasiness within the family unit and then that needs to be rebuilt.

If you feel that he must know I believe its your H that should fess up to him and tell him that he did something really unforgivable, but somehow you have managed to give him another chance and that you are both working towards having a stronger and better marriage.

I know my daughter was so angry with my H she wanted to punch him in the face (her words not mine). She has calmed down quite a lot as she sees that he does a lot and makes an effort to be more involved with everything at home and she knows the A is over.

seachelles posted 9/12/2017 06:44 AM

Dee Jay wrote<< I read a post this morning in the General forum about what we would have done if our FWS's had told us they were thinking of cheating before they did because of how unhappy, unfulfilled, etc they were. And I remembered a horrible conversation H and I had in our bathroom in 2009. He told me our sex life was unsatisfying - that we were more like brother and sister than husband and wife. AND that he was taking a job with a lot of travel so that he wouldn't be home so much, just being frustrated. Man, did that shake me up>>

I can remember one conversation we had WAY back. Like 2009. I think at that point WH and OW had started their "friendship" at work. We were at one of the girls' concerts. I was knee deep in school crap- doing EVERYTHING around here, hauling kids around (by then my oldest had decided that she loved strings and she was doing a lesson 1x a week- a community orchestra 1x a week and the youngest was playing strings as well AND taking dance- so I played chauffeur since nobody had a licence). WH asked out of the blue "Do you want a divorce"? I asked him where the heck that came from- we were in the lobby waiting for DD to come back. Wish I'd known then just how miserable he was (and that I'd spoken up more and complained just how miserable "I" was). Sigh. Can't go back and fix the past, can only move forward.

Deejay523 posted 9/12/2017 09:54 AM

seachelles,
That was written by needfriendshere,
And I think the same thoughts too,
My H said things that were questionable along the way like (do you know how hard it is to be with just you ) and this last time after my mom died and we had picked out our plots and stone what a beautiful stone we WE picked out together it was a picture of a couple holding eachother on a bench watching the sunset near the ocean we had taken our time and both BOTH thought it was so us US and it would be something nice for Our son to see and remember us by when we went to make a payment he said (Maybe we should wait who knows if we will be together forever ) this one just blew my mind,he tried backpedaling on this one looking back he was in his last time full blown affair with her again! ! I did question them all of them I guess just not hard enough IDK

[This message edited by Deejay523 at 9:55 AM, September 12th (Tuesday)]

Deejay523 posted 9/12/2017 13:28 PM

Hey All,
Just thinking out loud again,
In my thoughts of what it would be like to just runaway and start over ,a brand new life ...

In watching the devastation from both Harvey and Irma ,I start thinking about just going taking off with just a small suitcase filled with the bare minimum essentials leave everything behind and go down to the keys and help people in whatever way I possibly could, the thing is I actually thought this way when I first found out I thought of joining some sort of missionary service that goes to Africa or Anywhere that people are in need,I thought about this a lot just leaving and changing my name completely so he could never find me again and just absorb myself into helping others so I had no room to think about what was going on in my life ,just turn it around and help others help them feel better that would tremendously make me feel good!!


needfriendshere posted 9/12/2017 13:58 PM

Deejay,
Boy, can I relate - to a lot of this:

I

n my thoughts of what it would be like to just runaway and start over ,a brand new life ...
In watching the devastation from both Harvey and Irma ,I start thinking about just going taking off with just a small suitcase filled with the bare minimum essentials leave everything behind and go down to the keys and help people in whatever way I possibly could


It's why I permanently moved to where we live now. Lots of opportunity to serve and I've begun doing so. And it feels real good - like my life has purpose.

At first, when I moved here, I was in a 633-square-foot 1-bedroom that I rented on my own just for me. I expected H to stay in our house which is an hour and a half away from here to give me my space, cuz God knows I needed it. What I envisioned was me starting a new life, with H and I dating to see if we could work things out. But what he did was to move into that tiny little place with me from day 1. He did not want us to be apart. Now, flash forward almost 2 years, and we sold the house, and moved into a larger place here.

I understand the longing you are feeling. It's what drove me. I live 2 blocks from one of the poorest areas in our State. People did not have A/C there during the last heatwave, so a bunch of us pitched in and bought them A/C units. I have also begun leading a women's group for those of us who are struggling with personal issues. Can you guess what the #1 issue is?

You don't need to go to Africa to find people who are in great need. Mission fields often exist in our own communities. I encourage you to get out there and see where the needs are and get involved. I was actually asked recently if I was planning to run for public office here. I had to laugh. The answer to that question is "No way!". I just want to help because it feels good. I know what extreme pain feels like (thanks to FWH) and if I can help someone else who is suffering, then maybe some good can come from this mess???

Good luck to you! Keep that fire in you burning. A lot of good can come from it.

donna3 posted 9/12/2017 15:05 PM

seychelles: I wish that my H had said something, anything about how unhappy he was. I mean how really unhappy he was and that he was considering looking for something new. I knew our marriage was having issues but nothing that I thought was out of the ordinary for a long term marriage. I really had no vibe at all of something being amiss. We were kind of running parallel in our lives. But what he did TOTALLY blindsided me. I mean, for years I was his self proclaimed "Queen" and he always begged me to tell him if I ever considered being with someone else. And then the A happened. And he actually went looking online for it. Joined sites like "married but lonely" and others. Went trolling big time on FB for someone, anyone to respond to his Hi There messages. He said a few answered back but only one was close enough (1.5 hours) to consider. So then the messages started, then the phone calls, then the day trips on his motorcycle, then the weekend trips. I was so fucking blind to it all. His job was stressing him way out and he said he was using these rides to destress. I was helping DD with brand new baby and he felt neglected. Top that off with crappy job issues and depression and BOOM, some very bad decisions on his part. I wish also that I had voiced some of my concerns. Maybe that would have led to some discussion. Who knows? But the path he chose was totally on him tho. Finding comfort with someone else is NEVER the way to handle problems

I just wish with all my heart he had just talked to me. All of this heartache could have been avoided. It has been 7 years now: almost 3 years of his A and almost 4 years of putting the pieces back together. It still hurts so bad on some days.

Yes, I know that I cannot change the past and I need to look forward. I am trying so very hard to live my life looking ahead. things are good now and I try to remember that without this heartache I would not have this new marriage that I really like. But if only there would have been another way to get where we are right now.

northeasternarea posted 9/12/2017 15:45 PM

All I am trying to figure out now is whether good enough really is good enough.

Deejay523 posted 9/12/2017 15:55 PM

northeasternarea,
Me three....

needfriendshere posted 9/12/2017 17:00 PM

Me four...

(It's been a bad week. No, it's been a bad month. OW has pushed me to my limit even though FWH has been about as good as I could hope he'd be. But you know? He was the one who brought her into our lives. I can't blame the dog.)

amanda123 posted 9/13/2017 14:43 PM

NFHyou have a PM.

I remember reading in one of the forums a question were there any hints that something was not right and we just didnt take any notice because we were being parents or working really hard to provide for our families or doing both of those things.

I thought about it and yes there was one thing that he said that shocked the pants off me. He came out of his office one afternoon not long after DD had heart surgery, he was obviously on his computer it was a Saturday afternoon. He said there is no reason why you and I should stay together if we were to find someone else that we could be happier with!! I was stunned when he said that, I immediately asked him why he would say such a thing and also asked if he had met someone else. He said no, no just saying, my reply was why would you say that. I remember immediately feeling concerned about that statement but nothing more was ever said. I should have paid more attention to what his behavior was then but as you could imagine I was a little preoccupied with DD and her recovery.

Yes it was OW that he was talking to on the computer way back then.

Who knows what will happen down the track we dont have crystal balls to know what the future holds for any of us, so we make the best of what we have.

NFH wow you are amazing!! I have to applaud what you are doing for your community.

I was talking to one of the counselors I work with and she said that most WS dont leave their families because there is security in the family unit. However she did say that we as BS need to make changes and it is very important that our cheating spouses know that there are no more second chances, thats it. She said we need to look after ourselves first.

needfriendshere posted 9/13/2017 15:36 PM

Amanda123,

This is true and I have made it abundantly clear to FWH:

it is very important that our cheating spouses know that there are no more second chances, thats it.

I hope they realize that we mean it when we tell them that. I do not want to live without the ex-snake I am married to. He has become the man I once fell in love with again - and then some. But deep down inside I have to admit that I fear he will weaken - when he's had too much to drink at a mixer or when he's out of town on a long business trip. And if he does, being a woman of my word, he would be out of here. And we'd both be sad...He will have destroyed a real good thing.

This is what never completely trusting them again looks like: living with an undercurrent of fear and trepidation. And it's just too damn bad.

hopefull77 posted 9/13/2017 20:43 PM

Hi everyone....
I have been soo busy with my sons upcoming wedding and my sweet grandson....
when I read here I think how I relate to ALL you write...I'm just gonna say it IT'S a MIND F**K...
surviving infidelity is something I never thought id even have to think about....I knew I would most likely bury parents ...that's the stuff I figured I'd " signed up for"
I'm thankful for alot of things....and like all of you have said MY KIDS ....I wouldn't trade for anything....ironically OW and my FWH talked about this as well...b/c they "liked" each other in HS....
I am just tired if thinking about this mess and I want to look at my FWH and NOT think about him being a former liar / cheater etc you get my drift....
Peace everyone

Insearchofme posted 9/13/2017 22:43 PM

Ok feeling a little insignificant. many times when I post on the forums, I don't get any response or input...feeling invisible..sorry. Guess I'm just needy at times.

hopefull77 posted 9/13/2017 22:50 PM

Insearchofme....you are NOT invisible ...honestly you are NOT invisible
Peace

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