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Long Term Affairs Part 38

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deephurt posted 4/22/2018 12:01 PM

I don't come here often enough. I keep forgetting this thread is here.

I didn't have dry heaves. I didn't even cry on DDay. I was in absolute total shock for days after. I felt like I was living in a trance, if that makes sense. I wasn't eating or drinking. I lost 25lbs in two weeks. I was extremely dehydrated and was having muscle cramps constantly.
I couldn't stomach the thought of food. When I did start eating, i couldn't stomach more than a few bites a day. I lost a total of 45lbs in less than 2 months.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD.

GMC-My WH didn't understand that the constant chatting via phone and text for years was still part of the A.....it was a secret. He tried to minimize it and was surprised at my pain over the daily sharing of himself each and every day via phone. It was a 9 year LTA and approx 7 of that was through phone and text. He says he felt nothing for her, but why the need to talk every day then? It doesn't matter what his feelings were anymore, they weren't real. She was an addiction. Talking to her made him forget his anxiety about real life things-his job etc. She babbled daily about herself and how horribly her family treated her. You WH needs to understand that anything he did or said, that he would not have done with you right beside him (listening in) IS part of the A.

It took my WH a long time to figure that out. He understands it now. It took well over a year to understand, but during that year he was concentrating on not giving away his secret (the secret of the extended of the PA).

My WH said he does read here often. He may or may not know who I am. Years ago, he said he didn't like what he read here in LTA that he thought I had written. That is probably why I didn't come for a long time- and then forgot about it. I figure, now, if he doesn't like what he reads, he should have thought about it before he betrayed me. It sucks to read about how horrible you are.

mlav-I considered trying to write a book but I am so not talented that way. It was going to be fiction-called- The Revenge of the Betrayed Wife. Probably would have ended up being a thriller as I have had some pretty morbid thoughts of revenge.....lol. Maybe I should still attempt it? I am a terrible writer though, which I am sure is obvious to everyone on SI.

hopeandhealing- I agree LTA is a different type of hell. The amount of thought, lying, manipulation and compartmentalization it takes to carry on a LTA is staggering. Getting past the massiveness of that kind of betrayal is a life long sentence IMHO. To feel like all or most of your M has been a lie and to question every aspect of your life together is so traumatic. The LTA is very difficult to get past and heal from IMHO.

amanda123 posted 4/22/2018 23:08 PM

I would think that a LTA would be harder to get over than a ONS. There are feelings involved and that for me is still really hard to deal with. Also every photo of special occasions is tainted with the memory of her being around. So much more to deal with. The constant lies to cover it all up for years on end.

My H too called/emailed/skyped/facebooked OW everyday while I was not home doing it in secret mostly. On the rare occasion that they spoke on the phone when I was home, (she was a friend of ours) he would never sit still he walked around the entire house just so that I couldnt hear what they were speaking about, and then put me on the phone so that I could speak to her as well, obviously not about the same things they were discussing!!!

Things are better with us than what they were, but still could be better.

Hugs to everyone on our forum. Stay strong or as strong as you can be.


PurpleHaze posted 4/23/2018 12:56 PM

I have been reading here for a couple of days and want to thank everyone here for sharing themselves and this hell that has earned the abbreviated LTA! While it feels so good after months of searching, to find others who can relate to the immense pain of a LTA, it is also heartbreaking. My WH cheated for about 16 years out of 23 with his ex girlfriend/body buddy, a cute term for their fd up relationship. I have seen texts and while WH contacted her at times, she contacted him most of the time, still doesn't matter except that I feel she will continue to try and contact him despite her "I love my husband with all my heart" bs. I have not made a commitment to stay and WH knows one more revelation, or any contact and he is out the door. OW also texted me in the beginning saying that WH was innocent and she just wanted to see how he was. I contacted her via text as WH was lying and she did provide some truths. I regret ever contacting her as she shared intimate details, one so upsetting that it will forever be imprinted on my mind. It is also the reason he didn't meet with her the last time she came to town and rented a room at a fancy hotel. She texted the two days she was here, I guess frantic that he didn't come so she risked texting him in the evening while he was home which is how I learned of the affair.
Their affair started about 16 years ago while WH worked out of town near where she lived. She came to our travel trailer for sex, this occurred 5-7 times over the next 3 years. I often was with him when he traveled. For years thereafter, their contact was talking and sexting on the phone until a few years ago when she came to out town and rented a room which her poor husband paid for. It think the lapse in sex was due to the fact that she had gained a lot of weight, she lost some prior to coming here. She is very clear about how much she loves her husband and that "time with WH was strictly about sex" as her husband was asexual. If true, how horrible to share that IMHO.
This is my second marriage. My first husband was a cheater and verbally abusive. It took time and hard work to get over that part of my life which is why our MC explained to my stupid husband is worse as he knew the pain I had been through. This came up in MC as WH was explaining how awful my ex was! I also had to work hard on learning to trust again yet WH chose the one thing I asked him never to do with the one person I asked he have no contact with. What a mess.
I am 59yp, undecided whether to S/D, still spinning at times. Dday was 7-24-17, sex admitted 8-15-17 real start time of affair revealed in late September. I experienced high b/p, shaking, vomiting, fainting, till January when I became very ill. I was ill for about 1 1/2 months. I eat well now, do yoga in IC and MC and taking care of myself. I lost 28 lbs that was far more than healthy but am feeling so much better physically. As many of you here say, time will tell. My 2 sons from previous marriage and daughter from this one are grown. I truly hate being part of this club and am sorry for anyone else who is a member.

northeasternarea posted 4/25/2018 08:44 AM

Neta, does her husband know about the affair?

Maycat posted 4/25/2018 18:26 PM

So I've read some of these I Can Relate threads before but never through the LTA because...I didn't think it applied to me.

And after lurking on SI I'm noticing the signatures- 6 month LTA, 2 year LTA, etc.

DDay and the weeks after I discovered pictures of women from work, 14 online profiles, responses to w4m Craigslist ads. All meaningless, porn type activity (though still cheating). But not his feelings. His heart, that was still mine-right?

So I downloaded & analyzed 18 months of his phone records. There was one #, texts and calls every. damn. month.

A "client". Actually, an ex-girlfriend.

Call log from previous phone shows messages to same # as far back as April 2015. Goes back further, I'm sure.

His responses stopped last November. Before DDay. It was already over when I confronted.

I don't even want to do the math to determine the L in my WH's LTA.

Well, crap. Nice to meet you all. *waves hello*

amanda123 posted 4/26/2018 00:41 AM

Hi Neta and Maycat welcome to our ever growing group, sorry that you have to be here, but glad you found us.

Neta - the side effects from their A's are life changing so say no less. You and I share an extremely long timeline with our WH's LTAs.

Maycat - its only when you start really digging, that you discover more and more.

There is the healing library in the top left hand corner in yellow if you havent checked it out yet. You might find some interesting reads there.

Once again welcome.

amanda123 posted 4/30/2018 06:19 AM

I hope I haven't scared everyone away with my comments.

Where has everyone gone?

northeasternarea posted 4/30/2018 11:34 AM

I am still here

steadychevy posted 4/30/2018 17:40 PM

Still here.

deephurt posted 4/30/2018 19:04 PM

still here

deephurt posted 4/30/2018 19:11 PM

I was wondering for those that are years out from DDay and feeling very positive about R, how often do you fall back into that pit of sadness and anger?

I feel very positive about our R and yet sometimes, I feel the anger welling up in me or feel like crying for days. Most of the time, I feel happy with our life now but its like the A has to come back and bite me in the ass.

I worry that this will be forever for me. I feel like I will always have this sadness and anger crawl up on me when I don't expect it anymore.

Also, I have felt like i could trust him for the most part. I will always be trust but verify but then other times, I start doubting. Like I can talk myself into something not feeling right or something must be up and I know its all in my head.

The other day WH and I were discussing employment. He is retired. He is retired. He previously said that leaving was the best thing he did. He used to meet MOW for sex in her car on the way home from work and lie about the traffic or leave early and lie about that. He recently said that if he had been treated better at work, he may have wanted to stay longer. It triggered the hell out of me. I couldn't speak after he said it. For me, if felt like he was saying that he would have been happy to stay and keep the A alive. I know it wasn't what he was really saying but it literally felt like a throat punch.

northeasternarea posted 5/1/2018 05:23 AM

Deep hurt, I do sometimes find myself in a slump. When I reflect on it, if usually coincides with a time in the past when something happened. Fortunately, it doesnít last long. I still consider divorce an option.

deephurt posted 5/1/2018 09:37 AM

I am really happy with our life now. I don't think of D, I know its not what I want yet living with this has been very difficult.

I feel like I compromised my integrity by staying sometimes. I was always sure that I would never stay if he cheated. I was thinking even a ONS at the time, but this? I never thought I could still have feelings for someone capable of hurting me so bad for so long.

Then the lies that came after. His lack of integrity. Him lacking in owning up to what he did until he was caught. I understand why WS's lie after being caught, no one wants consequences. No one likes to have to feel the pain they have caused someone else. No one wants to have to own up to just how bad they became.

I get that but damn, its hard to feel like you matter to someone who would do this AND lie to minimize....lie so they don't look as bad as they actually are.....continue to lie when your BS is begging for the truth.

I can see WH putting me first. I can see him doing what he can to make me as happy as he can. I really can see this, my problem is believing its real. I know he could leave anytime and he could find someone else I also know he doesn't like change and I am the norm. I am the one he feels comfortable with but how do I really know that he really wants me or he is just feels more comfortable with me so he is making the best of it. I don't want to be the person he just feels more comfortable with, I want to be the one he really wants. I don't know for sure which I am.

northeasternarea posted 5/1/2018 16:26 PM

My primary concern now is me, not saving the marriage. I have done things in my past (not related to this marriage) for which I am deeply ashamed. So I do know that people who want to change can change.
So, I am giving him the opportunity to prove that he wants to be in this marriage.

But I don't view him the same way. And only time will tell whether we will really last long term. I pray a lot. My WH is afraid that I will leave. I can't promise him that it won't happen, since I still consider divorce a viable option. Maybe when he not 'that man' for a period equal to or greater than the time the affair lasted, I will believe it and be 100% in.

amanda123 posted 5/1/2018 16:41 PM

Northeasternarea, steadychevy, and deephurt thanks for being here.

We are together in a somewhat R. He is very good to me now. He does absolutely everything for me that I ask and a lot of the time, that I dont need to ask. He goes to work but still comes home to cook and clean and do dishes and laundry and take girls to school and does the shopping with me when I am at home. As he is a shift worker he can do a lot of the things to help out while I am at work. Dont get me wrong he doesnt do it all, just when he is on the opposite shift to me. His entire pay check goes into our dual bank account. He cuddles me in bed every single night, no matter what time he gets home from work. He always kisses me before he leaves the house. Sounds great who could want more out of this guy right? Well unfortunately me. He may do all the physical things but emotionally I feel we arent connected. Why do I say that? He still doesnt tell me about his feelings. I still dont hear the I love you. Infact I have stopped saying it to him because I found I was getting a knee jerk response back I would say I love you, he would say it back within a second its almost like someone sneezing and you say bless you. Still so much that I want to know about the A. Still so much that he hasnt told me or wont tell me or cant remember. He still minimises everything and doesnt want to really talk about it anymore.

Yes there are triggers. Unfortunately I still think about the A too often. Not every day like I used to be but probably every week at least. Triggers can come in many forms. Watching something on television, H making a comment, someone telling me about someone else having an A or even looking back at our family photos. There are lots of photos and I can see the distance in his eyes in those photos. They were taken over the years of the A. I can recall a time that we went to the country for his nieces birthday. He was so absent and distant and looking forelorn and I couldnt understand why he wasnt happy. We stayed for 4 days and because of our location we had virtually no reception on our phones. Now I know he was having OW withdrawal symptoms but I didnt know it then. In previous years he loved going there so I was dumb founded as to his behaviour at that time.

I too live with the thought of, is he still with me and making the best of it because he is comfortable with me and our girls, as deepthurt has said. I also dont want to be plan B. I want him to tell me he loves me not because that is what I want him to say. I want him to say it because he means it and wants me to hear it. I dont want to be in a marriage because of convenience. I truly love this man even after all the years he betrayed me. Howevery I dont want to stay if he doesnt feel the same. Yes I have asked him the questions he says he loves me and he says he wouldnt be here if he didnt want to be. Is that answer good enough, Im not so sure.

Woman asks "Why do you push me away?" Man replies, The real question is "Why do you stay."

northeasternarea posted 5/3/2018 06:03 AM

Amanda123, sometimes I wonder whether this is a marriage of convenience for me. We have a good life, and much to be thankful for. But I havenít been able to regain that deep emotional connection.

mlav69 posted 5/3/2018 10:20 AM

I'm still here.

I wish I wasn't, but I am. I'm struggling so much right now. I don't even know where to start, but it's long....

I feel the anger welling up in me or feel like crying for days
It comes out of nowhere and has really hit me hard this time. So far into this and I feel just like this:
I worry that this will be forever for me. I feel like I will always have this sadness and anger crawl up on me when I don't expect it anymore
Lately I've been thinking about how I have spent more than a decade of my life trying to figure out the "what the fucks" and the "whys" of my marriage. For 7 years during the LTA - I asked myself daily: "What the fuck is going on?" "Why the fuck is he acting this way?" "Why the fuck won't he work with me on this marriage?" Just every day - WTF???!!!
And then for 3.5 years since Dday, it's been: "Why the fuck did this happen?" "Why the fuck didn't I see the signs?" "Why the fuck have I not been enough - good enough, worth it enough, ENOUGH?" "How the fuck could he do this to me?" "Oh my God, WHY???"

The thing about all of this is, he admits that every time I tried to talk to him, work with him, engage him in some kind of constructive conversation about our marriage - he KNEW that I was thinking it was ME - I was desperately trying to figure out what I was doing wrong or what I could do to fix things. He knew I was blaming myself. He admits that he could see how much it hurt me, but because of his "mindset" at the time, he just didn't care. His "mindset" was like being a drug addict or an alcoholic, I understand that in my brain. But I feel like that's just a blanket description to explain away everything he did. The bottom line is, HE DIDN'T CARE. To my heart, it makes no difference the reason why.

It's hard to feel like you matter to someone who would do this AND lie to minimize....lie so they don't look as bad as they actually are.....continue to lie when your BS is begging for the truth
I resent the years I've wasted on all the "What the fucks?". I resent that my pain and the way he knew I tortured myself wasn't enough reason to change his mindset. That fact hurts too much for words to even explain. I resent that it took me finding out about the LTA for him to miraculously change his mindset. It's like Nov 21, 2014 he's addicted to AP and their secret life, but all of a sudden on Nov 22nd (Dday) - BAM, mindset changed! I'm the greatest wife ever! I did everything perfectly! None of it was my fault! It only changed because he got CAUGHT. He says he would have fought for me if I had just given up and asked for a divorce before I even knew about the LTA. I don't know how he expects me to believe that. Would it have been reason enough for him to end the A?

Just more WTF's to try to reconcile between my brain and my heart.

(Cross posting this in Recon forum too. P.S. - I "borrowed" some quotes )

[This message edited by mlav69 at 11:20 AM, May 3rd (Thursday)]

amanda123 posted 5/3/2018 16:18 PM

northeasterarea and mlav69 it seems like many of us feel the same.

We still all have so many questions unanswered. I still do the mental why did he do it?

We recently spoke about a couple that we knew of, we didnt know them that well, but anyway they broke up. My H said to me well that happens people fall in and out of love. I have to admit a tinge of sadness hit me at that point and I thought is that what happened to him, did he fall out of love with me? I know he loved her. Which is one of the hurtful hard to get over things for me, knowing the man that I love, loved someone else. He says he never loved her. I dont believe that for one second. He was so intrenched in her that it could only be love. One time after the A when we spoke about her he started to say that he loved her but didnt get the entire word out and then changed it to like when he saw the horrified expression on my face. He said I lo liked her. Well no kidding you fucked up our marriage cos you hated her!

I would love it if they had lie detectors here I would be signing him up immediately. I have heard you can only ask 3 questions. What 3 questions would you ask?

1. Did you sleep with her? (which he denies emphatically, doesnt deny the EA)

2. Do you love her?

3. Depending on his answer to that, if yes then are you only staying with me for convenience and children? Or if its No, Do you truly love me?

I would love to ask so many other questions but I think those are the ones that are more important to me. As our future together would be at stake.

Hugs to everyone struggling.

northeasternarea posted 5/3/2018 16:45 PM

My WH thought he loved his AP. It was only after he left and actually lived with her, that he realized he really didn't know her, only the facade that she presented. He tells me how grateful he is that I gave him another chance, and never misses an opportunity to praise me to others. I have forgiven him, but I will never forget what he is capable of. I think I am a little melancholy because the date that I found out he was living with the AP is coming up.


crazyblindsided posted 5/3/2018 17:20 PM

mlav69 I can so relate to what you wrote. My entire M has been one big WTF. Even today we are sliding backwards again... more WTF's for me

This never ends

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