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Long Term Affairs Part 38

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needfriendshere posted 3/26/2018 11:45 AM

Northeasternarea, you said:

needfriendshere, so glad you popped back in.

Thank you so much. It's good to be back. I find that when I'm not incredibly busy, my mind goes to those dark places and I get depressed, can't sleep, etc. You all have always been such a blessing to me.

BrokenheartedWif posted 3/26/2018 15:06 PM

Seems to be the million dollar question. Is good enough, good enough now after what they decided to put us through because of their own sickness and selfishness.

Insearchofme posted 3/26/2018 16:40 PM

Yes! Broken-hearted! Yes this! Thatís how I feel. And to be honest..I even feel, is this good enough for him now? To be here with me, a wife who doesnít feel the love, the passion... and thereís also a piece of me that before the A, I was even like...is this it? I get to have this ďflatĒ feeling marriage for the rest of my life? And Iíd pray about it, weíd talk about it. Nothing changed but I was committed. I made those vows and would be a good mom and wife. Now...I feel quite resentful that he got to go out and feel that excitement again with someone. Those butterflies from the first kiss.. etc.. it kinda pissesís me off! And here I am, stuck...

[This message edited by Insearchofme at 4:40 PM, March 26th (Monday)]

needfriendshere posted 3/28/2018 15:32 PM

Insearchofme,

I never quite thought of it like this before:

Now...I feel quite resentful that he got to go out and feel that excitement again with someone. Those butterflies from the first kiss.. etc.. it kinda pissesís me off! And here I am, stuck...

I think I would just feel too guilty to enjoy it if I did anything like that while being married. I think I'd feel so ashamed that I'd cry for days afterward. Too bad my H's conscience didn't bother him. To keep that kind of deceptive behavior up for 6 years??? And he slept like a baby through it all. I think his brain is wired differently than mine. No, I don't resent it or find it exciting. It kind of sickens me...

Insearchofme posted 3/28/2018 21:44 PM

Me to Needs Friends. I donít think Iím wired that way either.. I think I meant it more in a never again type way..because Iím married..yet he still got to? If that makes sense. My resentment is that I was supposed to be his last first kiss etc...and Iím not.

BrokenheartedWif posted 4/1/2018 19:43 PM

^^^ so get this.

steadychevy posted 4/2/2018 07:15 AM

I'm the same. I cannot understand how my WW had sex with him, came home to me and not feel anything. I expect that I would have been so guilt ridden I couldn't function. Maybe I'm naÔve. I do know when I've lied to her it ate at me and I would confess with the truth shortly thereafter. I tried to set up a sting when I was suspicious of her cheating but that involved lying about where I was going to be and I told the truth before it happened because, you know, if she wasn't cheating lying would be detrimental to our relationship.

I don't understand how a person can just carry on. My WW had a LTA. It was exciting, thrilling and rewarding for her for most of the 4 years. She felt no guilt, functioned normally and lied convincingly. The only evidence I had was a distance and coldness from her at times but she was so busy at work and stressed about it. He was her weekday husband and I was her weekend, holiday and vacation husband. What's to feel guilt about?

amanda123 posted 4/2/2018 16:28 PM

I could see the arrogance in my H. I could see it all much clearer after I found out about the A. How could he think so little of me to have a LTA?

I had only kept one biggish secret from H that he doesnt know about today. It was when I bailed out a friend of mine from Jail. Other than that he knew everything I did, I told him, I shared everything with him, just like I expected him to share everything with me. I remember feeling awfully guilty when we were trying to get our middle child off the bottle. She was almost turning 3 and still had a bottle morning and night, but drank from a cup during the day. He worked shift work so he wasnt there when I put the girls to bed so when she started to cry I caved in and gave her a bottle. I felt so guilty about deceiving him that I actually cried and said I havent been honest about something that I need to tell you. He looked very concerned and said what is it, I said you are going to be mad at me but I have to tell you. I said i gave middle daughter (who was only actually the second one at that time) her bottle back. He said ok so what do you have to tell me? I said that was it and he said is that all, I said yes.

He obviously didnt have the same kind of mentality that I did or the same kind of feelings or respect or love that I had for him.

gmc94 posted 4/2/2018 18:01 PM

OMG - Amanda 123 I totally get you on this!

I always thought the sex was the dealbreaker... I now realize its not that (although it certainly deals a devastating blow). It's the lies and deception.

I told my WH on first dates that lying was the worst IMHO. Lies are the thing that I cannot stand.

All through our marriage I could NEVER lie to my WH... just last sept (I now know not too long before he got to have another round of sex with his LTA AP) I took my DD and a bunch of her stuff to her new apartment. I had WH's car and the luggage rack on top to deliver the goods. Long drive, late at night.. after unloading I went into garage and BOOM! the luggage rack on top of WH's car hit the garage and busted a bunch of stuff.

I thought A LOT about just getting new parts for the luggage rack and never telling him.

By 8am the next morning I'd confessed to it all. I COULD have lied, and "covered" and he'd have never known. But that would not have been me. It would not have been the marriage I thought I was in. Lying - no matter how big or small - is not part of my DNA (though I often wonder if it's just because I killed too many brain cells in my 20s and just would never remember what lies i told!).

The horror of realizing that lying is absolutely part of the DNA of our WS is devastating. I never sweated his "little" lies... Only now do I realize they were part of a much much much much bigger picture ... lying to himself and lying to me for our entire 27 year relationship. Not sure if that ever gets R.

How could they think so little of us - or their own integrity - to have an LTA? (In my case, my WH kept a "secret friend" for the entire duration of our relationship - took him 17 years to go from secret "friend" to secret sex partner).

I worry about my ability to understand what it took for him to deny the truth on so many (other) and such a deep (re: A) level... but what's worse, is I am becoming increasingly convinced that he will absolutely NEVER EVER get it.. (and if he does, it will be far far far too late for any R with me).

Godspeed to us all.

amanda123 posted 4/3/2018 07:10 AM

gmc94, When H and I were dating I remember sitting in my parents' sunroom and neither one of us speaking. He got up and walked out. There was no argument no disagreement he was watching television while I was doing homework. I thought he had just gone to the bathroom until I realised he had been gone for a while. I went looking for him and he was gone. Not a word. He eventually came back hours later and I asked where he had disappeared to. He said he got bored. I remember telling him that he needs to communicate with me because Im not a mind reader. I told him that we arent going to have a good relationship if he doesnt learn to tell me whats on his mind. Im still telling him the same thing today. Funny thing is he had no problem communicating with OW, he communicated very well with her, told her everything about himself, me our kids our life.

Just thinking about what you wrote about your strong dislike of lying and how it was something you communicated with your H when you two were dating and the above for us when were dating and its still an issue in both our respects.

steadychevy posted 4/3/2018 07:26 AM

My WW was never more confident and self assured as when she was committing adultery with her COW she supervised. There was definitely an arrogance about it, amanda. She was forceful and antagonistic. Antagonistic if I questioned anything.

12and20years posted 4/3/2018 13:04 PM

My WH had a 5 year affair with a coworker- and actually told me he didn't feel guilty while he was doing it. he told me this while trying to R. He also would get upset anytime I'd ask anything about the A or if I would get upset or if I asked about his whereabouts. He actually bought a bag that would block his cell signal when I asked to put a tracking app on his phone. He agreed but then bought the bag to block it. The final straw was when he wouldn't tell me who he went to lunch with at work, instead he decided that was the best time to list my shortcomings. I don't understand how you can go 5 years and not feel any guilt, write anniversary cards like it's nothing. And if I hadn't actually told him I knew he had hotel charges on his credit card he would have continued to deny it, even when I asked him point blank if he was seeing someone. I actually believed him the first time- believed that they were happy hour charges, and actually told him- "ok, you know cause I know you would never cheat on me- I tell everyone I know he would never ever cheat on me- it's the one thing I'm sure of. " and he stood there nodded his head- like nothing- turns out he had a hotel reservation with her for the next night- which he ended up not using cause I finally saw the light the next day and confronted him again. He could lie so easily- how can a person be like that.

gmc94 posted 4/3/2018 23:55 PM

wow, 12and20years,got a little mini trigger with that ... realizing how many times my WH just sat by as I'd tell folks he'd never cheat

About 15+ years ago my WH was on too many non profit boards, so he agreed to quit them. 10 months after he told me he quit a particular group, the group's exec dir thanked me for letting them have my WH - as their board PRESIDENT... for the entire year! I was pretty PO'd, but we had this joke that "my husband only cheats on me with non profits". I've been telling that story for YEARS.

About 2 weeks after dday I ran into an old acquaintance who introduced me to his friend as the woman whose husband only cheats with non profits. I about lost it then & there... then had a major fight (via phone & text as I was on a biz trip) with WH.

It still hurts me that he let that go on for the nine years of his PA (and at the time of the "joke", he had his "secret friend" that became his secret AP).

The "one" thing we all thought we were sure of.... heartbreaking.

And my WH said he didn't feel guilty either, because I "was never going to find out". So even while he was with me telling the joke to others (the typical cocktail party type stuff), he'd just smile and laugh.... of course he would only cheat with a non profit, he's such a great guy!

Godspeed to us all.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 11:57 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)]

amanda123 posted 4/4/2018 06:43 AM

Steady I can relate to that, my H was never so confident ever as he was during the thick of his A. I could not believe this was the same man that I was married too, I was literally saying to myself I dont know this person.

12and20years That is the thing, we trusted them with our entire lives. It takes a certain type of person to cheat, one that has no qualms in hurting their partner, one that is only thinking about himself/herself. One that can lie to your face without batting an eyelid.

Mine obviously thought I was the village idiot and could put anything over me, which he did, I had blind trust in him.

eolus posted 4/4/2018 22:04 PM

Reading through this thread made me realize this thread is probably home for me on this site.

I thought my WS was finally beating nasty postpartum depression, and the mood "improvement" was really facilitating and then having/maintaining a long term emotional/physical/"I love you" affair with a psychotic (I mean this in the medial term) AP at the expense of my marriage and young child. I still do not even know where to start about "I cannot believe ____". I would have categorized our marriage as affair proof and now for the first time in my life I completely doubt my own judgement after learning my reality.

I am evaluating my partnership for the sake of my children, trying to decide if it is better for them to try and stay and reconcile at the expense of my wants or give up quickly and split and give them a good environment half of the time. My WS says and I believe truly thinks she is trying, and it is not even close to enough.

I would never wish this on anyone else, but it is nice to know I am not the only one. It feels so lonely in person. Thanks for every word all of you wrote. It has helped me more than the priciest counselors available and the best that friends and family have to offer.

Insearchofme posted 4/4/2018 23:53 PM

When my WH and I started dating I told him how much lying was a deal breaker to me due to first husbands lies constantly. My WH first wife cheated so we always said that would never be an issue. I can remember the first time that I caught him in some stupid white lie. My gut just squeezed as I realized, heís lying to me right now. This was a few years before the A but it was around this time he started changing...Solua, Iím sorry that you are here but it is a very helpful place to be. This groups gets it. Youíre not alone.

steph posted 4/8/2018 16:35 PM

I know he lies, cuz his lips are moving. Took ma a long time to believe it. I thought he had the most integrity of anyone I knew.

I too, am still in awe at how easily and how long he's lied about so many things. I would have a hard time keeping track and I sure couldn't cheat on and lie to, anyone.

We start couples therapy (again) this week. We'll see how it goes.

steph posted 4/8/2018 16:35 PM

Sorry, double post.

[This message edited by steph at 7:24 AM, April 9th (Monday)]

steph posted 4/8/2018 16:36 PM

Sorry, triple post.

[This message edited by steph at 7:23 AM, April 9th (Monday)]

northeasternarea posted 4/9/2018 12:09 PM

steph, I hope your WH is sincere.

So, just some rambling thoughts on where we are. Things are going well. We have travel plans and activities scheduled throughout the summer. I'm still struggling with lack of libido, but I'm going to discuss that when I have my gyn exam this month. If any of you post menopausal ladies have any suggestions for me, I'd be glad to hear them.
It's not necessarily the marriage that I thought I had, but it is enough for now. As long as we keep working to make things better.

[This message edited by northeasternarea at 12:16 PM, April 9th (Monday)]

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