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Long Term Affairs Part 38

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Mickeymom posted 2/23/2018 22:17 PM

Broken-hearted: I am 3 years 4 months from DD and yes he works really hard everyday, he is not perfect we have little arguments about daily life here and there but the most part he gives me what I need to feel safe and is understanding that I donít feel 100% safe with him but he says he is grateful that I let him keep trying. We talked almost one year straight about the A and I donít want to talk about it anymore if I feel like it we will but I donít really need to anymore

Mickeymom posted 2/23/2018 23:59 PM

12and20: I am sorry you are here and you are heard. From what you write I think itís right of you to not trust your WS does not seem ready to be remorseful or to be a safe partner. You say he doesnít want D, however it doesnít sound like he wants the M. Right now care for yourself. We are here and understand.

amanda123 posted 2/24/2018 04:42 AM

BrokenheartedWif, Unfortunately for me I feel its your second paragraph. He avoids all and any conversation about the A.

12and20 Five years is a long time, its 5 years of lies and it is really hard to sort out any thruth from it all.

steadychevy posted 2/24/2018 09:14 AM

12and20, IMO your WH isn't remorseful. He doesn't want a D but you don't have a marriage. The things you've stated are things that I believe should be automatic in a good marriage not devastated by adultery. I'm sorry but I don't see any peace for you in this relationship, at least, not how it is right now. You're under a constant state of anxiety because of his behavior. When they show you who they are believe them. Actions speak louder than words and you see his actions. This is the life you can expect with him, IMO. I sorry. I wish you healing and peace.

12and20years posted 2/26/2018 17:41 PM

I think that the length of the affair is what makes it so difficult to comprehend- for me I canít get over the fact that he made th decision over and over for years- that he wrote out anniversary cards wishing us many more happy years knowing what he was doing- itís what drives me nuts- that when looking at his receipts he would Sleep with her and sleep with me a few days later. I canít wrap my head around it so Iíve just decided To just move on because there is just no understanding someone who is capable of such long term deception and he also told me that he didnít really feel guilty while he was as doing it. He resented me so I guess it was ok in his mind.

northeasternarea posted 2/26/2018 17:56 PM

12and20, I'm glad that you are able to make a decision.

Learningtofly17 posted 2/28/2018 07:21 AM

Thank you for sharing Hopeful76. I can totally relate to your feelings. Itís been ten months since D day for me. Some days Iím hopeful and function pretty well. Other days I can barely move or function at all. Although my husband has been very remorseful and has made some positive changes. I still live in fear of being lied to and cheated on again. I havenít posted a lot on here, because sometimes I think reading other peopleís stories can help and sometimes they make me angry and Hurt and take me back to a dark place that I was in when I first found out about the A that went on for my entire marriage. I still feel like Iíve gotten TT mostly, I think that is why Iím stuck. Should I stay or go is a question I struggle with every day.

[This message edited by Learningtofly17 at 10:45 AM, February 28th (Wednesday)]

Lodestar posted 2/28/2018 07:43 AM

I haven't posted on here for ages, but occasionally drop by to see how y'all are doing.

Welcome to all the newbies. I know none of us wants to be here.

We are now 10 months out and still struggling. It's not so much about the A any more, as it is about our overall relationship and happiness.

WH is so absorbed in his own depression (for a lack of a better word, it's not a clinical depression, just deep dissatisfaction with his life) that there is barely any room for working on us. On the surface things are calm and ok, I guess. But the minute we dig deeper and discuss anything more meaningful than logistics, current affairs, grocery lists, etc. we hit a wall. He is so deeply unhappy about almost every aspect of his life that it's impossible to work on the relationship.

I have a growing feeling that family life is not something he ever really wanted. I think he liked the idea of it but not the reality. The mundane day to day things. The domestic aspect of it. I have to admit I share his feelings of frustration about this 9-to-5 life that revolves around groceries, kids, TV and mind-numbingly empty evening and weekends. This is not how we started off, but having 2 young kids has taken its toll. And we are both profoundly unhappy with the way life has turned out.

He is not working on us, really. I have to admit. He is too self-absorbed and busy pitying himself there is no energy left over for us. He is, thankfully, working on himself. Still in IC twice a week, though he doesn't even tell me what they are discussing there any more.

That's the main issue - he wants physical intimacy, feeling desired, sex; I want emotional and spiritual intimacy, conversations, partnership. Neither is willing to budge. So here we are in our tug of war.

I'm still debating whether to stay or go. Almost on a daily basis. If it wasn't for his hep with the everyday things and the two DDs who adore him, my decision would be a whole lot easier.

Learningtofly17 posted 2/28/2018 09:03 AM

12and 20. I agree with you on the length of the A being the hardest part. That is the part I canít get or understand. My WS had EA with OW right before we got married, and then it became a PA right after our marriage had begun. The A was on and off for 15 years! The past 2 or 3 years it was continuous. Why or how can someone be so deceitful and rob another person of years of their life all to get some on the side? He told her he loved her. Was screwing her on his lunch break and the weekends when I was working 12 hr night shifts. Had sex with her in my home! I honestly donít know why I still care anything for this man at all. He shows remorse and has made some small changes in our everyday lives(being present and helping with daily responsibilities) but, he gets irritated if I want to talk about the A. Says Iím going backwards instead of forward.

steadychevy posted 2/28/2018 09:32 AM

I find the length of the adultery very difficult to comprehend, too, 12and20 and Learningtofly. Many, many decisions made, lies everyday for years. We talked every night when she was travelling (and when I was travelling), said our ILYs and she called him on the room to room hotel phone system (not electronic trail) immediately after hanging up on me for him to come to her room. She stopped at his place on her way home from work for quickies then came home to me. Sex in my office space in our house. All the time getting cards, as you mentioned, saying how much love, how special, what a wonderful husband and father I was. No shame, no guilt.

This is impossible for me to figure out. My IC tells me as a problem solver it's like a dog chasing it's tail. I keep going around and around and never get anywhere. I can't solve it (figure it out) because there's no real solution or answer. I need to quit doing that and work on healing me. My IC is helping me do that. I've been officially diagnosed with PTSD and we have a treatment plan. We are working on my healing and finding peace.

I think, Learningtofly, that your WH doesn't show much remorse if he's irritated when you want to talk about the A. True remorse would be that whenever and for how long it takes he would be willing to talk. True remorse is that he would do whatever you needed him to do to help with your continued healing. It seems to me he really wants you to rugsweep and just get over it already. He committed adultery for years and years and it's taking you too long? I'm sorry but if you allow this to happen you are in for a lot more hurt down the road, IMO.

Lodestar posted 2/28/2018 10:02 AM

steadychevy - I can totally relate to what you described!
For almost 4 years, through my second pregnancy, recovering from the c-section, through all our travels and adventures and our kids being tiny gorgeous babies. They still managed to get together once a month or two months. He never worked overtime, never went out with 'friends', nothing. When he was travelling, we were in constant contact. He never missed calling me before going to bed. He always called me the first thing when he woke up. Who does that?

The contact with AP wasn't very frequent and there was no emotional component in there, no long phone calls or hundreds of texts, but still. She was always somewhere in the background. Always. No matter what we did.

As a matter of fact, on d-day, when I saw their fb chat by accident (WH: hi, wanna come over at lunch and have sex? AP: Sorry, I'm away.) he called me half an hour later to chat about random shit. WHO does this?

And like Learningtofly I don't think there is any true remorse. He is so preoccupied with sorting himself out that there is no time or energy left for remorse.

How pointless all this is...

Learningtofly17 posted 2/28/2018 10:53 AM

Thank you for your responses. I also think remorse is not something he is feeling now. Right after D-day, yes. I feel like now he is definitely ready to move on and rug sweep. I haven't moved on. I have talked to him in alone and in counseling how I need for him to spill his heart out and tell me everything, a timeline, etc. He feels that I'm searching for more "ammunition" against him and it's not going to help us move forward. He says I know everything, but I don't believe him.

northeasternarea posted 2/28/2018 15:48 PM

With a LTA, I think its impossible to know everything. I didn't have an immediately remorseful WH. Went through false reconciliation, and a lot of back and forth. We had separated when I found SI. The difference between the way he is now, and how he was in false reconciliation is like night and day. And I am still trying to determine whether good enough really is good enough. I have started IC again to try to figure it out.

Lodestar posted 3/1/2018 12:14 PM

northeasternarea - I have some questions if I may:

How did you realise it was a false R?
What ended it/how did you end it?
And what did you do to change it into a proper R?
And how are things different now?
What I mean is, what are you DOING differently?

Would be happy for some insight. I seriously suspect we are in false R as well...

northeasternarea posted 3/1/2018 13:35 PM

I found out he was still communicating with her. We ended up separating. He started IC when I told him that unless I was his wife, he would essentially be dead to me. No conversation other than what was necessary to conduct business. he got himself into IC. We had couples counseling, and I also had IC, The difference now is that he is transparent, we both have worked on our relationship with God. I have made myself my priority. I still haven't gotten to the point that I would completely rule out divorce as an option.

This is the condensed version. 2014 was hell.

Lodestar posted 3/1/2018 13:48 PM

Thank you!
That's what I'm struggling with. He is already in IC. Twice a week, religiously. Has been for almost 10 months already. I have no idea how it's going.
We are in MC that doesn't seem to be helping much.
He is NC.
So on paper there is nothing really wrong.
I just feel like we aren't giving it 100%. Neither of us. Not really making any changes.
Doesn't feel like a true R.
But I have no clue how to turn it around.
We seem to be like 3-year-olds - neither wants to 'give in' and make the first move. There seems to be a lot of resentment from both sides. The 'why should I do X if (s)he doesn't do Y?'. Truly unhealthy and not taking us in the right direction.
Feeling like shit today.

northeasternarea posted 3/1/2018 14:23 PM

Lodestar, have you seen anyone for you? Do you journal?

12and20years posted 3/1/2018 20:56 PM

Itís so great to read all these stories and know Iím not alone. For me the peace I feel with my decision to walk away is what tells me Iím doing the right thing- I feel like he stole 5 years of my life and Iím just. It willing to give him a single day more! I donít think Iíll ever understand how he could do this and thatís what I struggle in IC with now that the crying has finally stopped after 3 months of hell. The feeling that heíll always say that I drove him to it that the marriage was so bad- I donít think heíll realize that him being in an affair for that long only contributed to making things between us- I basically felt like I was a single parent because he was never here alway disconnected- I would beg for dates and he would rarely go out with me and I could always tell he wasnít that interested in being there. I donít thinker gets that part- he still blames me and refuses to go to counseling for himself- heíll never get it. And that is what irks me!

northeasternarea posted 3/1/2018 21:02 PM

12and20, there is no reconciling with a cheater who doesn't accept responsibility, and isn't remorseful and repentant.

Lodestar posted 3/2/2018 10:04 AM

northeasternarea

Lodestar, have you seen anyone for you? Do you journal?

No and no.

Actually I did go to IC right after. Two sessions that didn't help much. She was a psychotherapist and their sessions last for 45 minutes which is way too little for someone as talkative as me. Plus the whole idea of FOO issues and everything is a bit overwhelming. I am very well aware of certain issues that I have, but not sure disecting them would help me process the A and the aftermath.

We don't really have therapists who specialise on infidelity here, so that's a bit tough. I think I'd need to work through the grief and hurt, but most therapists are not trained to deal with that really. It's all about rugsweeping and moving on and looking at the bright side of life.

I've started thinking more and more that I need to talk to someone IRL. A professional. Just hard to find one here. they don't really do phone consults either so no idea how to pick someone proficient and nice.

Journalling might be an option, although I am in desperate need of feedback as you can see from my newly frequent posts here.

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