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Long Term Affairs Part 38

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Deejay523 posted 1/24/2018 09:27 AM

northeasternarea,

Deejay, I am sorry that you are in so much pain. The only thing that I can offer is that you must change your focus to you. You are the only person that you can control.

I will also share that believing in God and trusting that God has a plan for my life has been a big part of getting me through this.

((Hugs))


Thank you,
Stop thinking of the past, is that what you mean about control and focus, look at today and what my husband is today.
God is pretty much the only one who has never left my side through all this.
I'm still standing.

northeasternarea posted 1/24/2018 10:24 AM

Thank you,
Stop thinking of the past, is that what you mean about control and focus, look at today and what my husband is today.
God is pretty much the only one who has never left my side through all this.
I'm still standing.

What I mean is focus on what you truly want, what will make you happy. Will you be hhappier, more content without him? I still think of the things that my WH did, but I don't re-experience the pain. I don't think we ever forget. I remind myself that none of us have the power to change the past. What is he doing now? Has he owned his choices?

Don't think I'm saying I have all the answers, because I don't. Everything isn't perfect in my world.

[This message edited by northeasternarea at 10:24 AM, January 24th (Wednesday)]

Deejay523 posted 1/24/2018 10:59 AM

northeasternarea,


What I mean is focus on what you truly want, what will make you happy. Will you be hhappier, more content without him? I still think of the things that my WH did, but I don't re-experience the pain. I don't think we ever forget. I remind myself that none of us have the power to change the past. What is he doing now? Has he owned his choices?

I am trying to focus on a better us I want a better us it's just the unsureness creeps in,without me connecting him to the past which I seem to be having a hard time still with doing he is good now. As far as owning his past choices, he has I just feel I want and need a Bigger Apology also need to follow through with mc and Ic for us both and himself.

northeasternarea posted 1/24/2018 12:00 PM

Deejay, I encourage you pursue IC for yourself, no matter what he does.

Deejay523 posted 1/24/2018 12:27 PM

northeasternarea,
Thanks

Mickeymom posted 1/26/2018 09:39 AM

Yes so sorry for this pain and suffering and we the BS hold the power we choose we pick our life. One of my favorite saying (I know better so I do better). This is true for you. You wrote your pain your experience so now itís time to move forward find yourself and do whatís best for you. We can not change the past we can re-examine what lead us on the path we are on but you can only control today and what your future has in store itís never to late for change. I do encourage IC. I hope that you find your happiness for you in this lifetime you deserve to be happy. So focus on you and your healing. Thank you for sharing your story I know itís very hard and very brave to face our feelings and put on paper. Hugs to you

[This message edited by Mickeymom at 5:52 PM, January 26th (Friday)]

northeasternarea posted 1/26/2018 10:56 AM

Mickeymom, what you write is so true.

mlav69 posted 2/1/2018 13:29 PM

Cross-posted in Recon forum

My depression is back....with a vengeance.
It's been 3.5 yrs since Dday. I was doing "ok" and was off my antidepressant for a few months until I felt myself being sucked back down again around Halloween. I fought it so hard, but I couldn't manage without going back on my medication. I really tried to be ok, but the truth is, I'm just not. It's difficult to get out of bed every morning. All I want to eat is sweets and junk food. I've stopped exercising. I don't really enjoy anything right now and I'm not taking good care of myself. Trust me, I know all the things I need to do to help with the depression - I've done them all over the past few years - it's just a lot easier said than done sometimes and I need help.

The bottom line - I'm very stubborn and was determined that his LTA wasn't going to rule my world forever. But it was time for me to admit that 3.5 yrs later, I still struggle with this every day. If I'm being totally honest with myself, I wasn't really doing that well on my meds - I just didn't want to give in to being on a stronger medicine or an additional one. Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn! I had the flu two weeks ago and my depression got markedly worse while I was sick. I know that sometimes happens with viral illnesses - something to do with lowered white blood cell counts. I started thinking about how my family would be without me. How it would just be easier if I weren't here and didn't have to feel anything. I didn't make any plans to harm myself or even really think about ways to die, but my mind went back to how I felt initially after Dday - that the only way to escape the pain was to just die. That's when I knew I was in trouble.

Today I went back to my doctor and told her everything. She's so sweet and I knew she'd understand, but she did scold me for being so damn stubborn and for trying to push through this alone. I can't help it - I get it honest from both of my parents . I told her it makes me even more depressed, despite how far I've come, to see how much work I have left to do. I feel permanently damaged and that makes me angry and sad. I feel weak even though I know I'm strong to have made it this far. So I'm starting an additional medicine tonight and I see her again in three weeks. I may end up back in IC. I'm just so tired of this emotional weight I carry around. A magic pill would be awesome.

Mickeymom posted 2/2/2018 01:38 AM

Mlav69: I wish I had this amazing magic written word to help you, but I have no great wisdom I know you have been here long enough to know all the advice and what you should do, but maybe it was a dealbreaker or maybe for yourself your more on the 5 year healing plan. What I think most of all donít beat yourself up feel your emotions acknowledge them and if you need meds thatís what you need especially with a family history you truly could have a chemical imbalance. Take each day and know this world is a better place with you in it. Know you are heard.. lots of hugs your way.

northeasternarea posted 2/2/2018 09:43 AM

mlav69, there is no shame in taking medication for depression. I agree with mickeymom that maybe this really is a dealbreaker for you. Change your focus from saving the marriage to saving yourself. (((Hugs))) I hope the new medication works for you.

steadychevy posted 2/3/2018 06:32 AM

So sorry you're not doing well, mlav, 3.5 years out. I'm 4.5 years out myself. I haven't been doing well either but seem to be improving (by my own assessment) since separation in September. I think the Christmas season is an especially raw time for most and it was for me.

The point of all this is to encourage you to get back into IC. I started with a new IC on January 2. I'm now officially diagnosed with PTSD. The good part of that is to have a treatment plan with an end result of me being independent of counselling (maybe an annual tune-up).

As is often said on this thread - LTA, a special kind of hell. But we can do it. We will be forever changed but we can heal and enjoy life and have peace again. God go with you.

steph posted 2/4/2018 22:04 PM

Mlav69,
So sorry you are struggeling. Glad you got yourself to your doctor and shared with us. This takes a toll thatís for sure.
Take care.

northeasternarea posted 2/9/2018 06:24 AM

Mlav69, how are you doing?

Hurt7178 posted 2/19/2018 15:54 PM

I am new here. I need help desperately from someone who has been through a long-term affair and had successful reconciliation with their husband. After 30 years of a happy marriage (we were high school sweethearts--age 15--married at 20), my husband had an 8 year affair with a woman we knew a long time ago. He told her he loved her every day for eight years! I found out about the affair 6 months ago by seeing phone records. At first he only admitted to phone calls and emails as she lives 500 miles away. Three months ago he admitted to sex--she came up here and rented a cottage two-to-three times per year. I knew NOTHING. I was in this cocoon of love and blind trust. I feel the last 8 years are surreal. I am in a deep dark hole. I have to rethink everything. Everything that I believed to be, was actually a lie. How do I get past the pain of the betrayal? He is totally remorseful and regrets trickling the information out but was afraid I would leave him. I love him. He says he never stopped loving me and knew he would never leave me. We have been even closer than ever since all the truth came out. The crisis has made us both realize what we almost lost. But I so need to know there is a light at the end of this tunnel and will I be able to heal this pain? All I see out there on the internet for long-term affairs ends badly for the betrayed spouse. Please help.

BrokenheartedWif posted 2/19/2018 20:30 PM

((Hurt7178)) There are people on this thread who are reconciling after Long Term Adultery has rocked their world. I am still in the watching to see if my SAWS's long term actions match up. His was a 16 plus year Long Term Adulterous relationship with someone who claimed to be my friend, my children's "Aunt", etc. They are both SA's and it has touched childhood trauma that I have. My SAWS is currently choosing recover for his SA; and we are both in IC and working on healing our FOO issues and emotional and spiritual intimacy. It is not easy, but I have to heal with our without him. It's up to him to prove that he is worthy of me and the gift I am giving him with the opportunity to prove he has worked on his issues and become a man of integrity.

northeasternarea posted 2/20/2018 07:46 AM

Hurt7178, I call us a work in progress, not a successful reconciliation. Right now, you have to take care of you. What is he doing to address his brokenness? I am a little over 5 years out from DDay1, a little over three years working on reconciliation.

You don't get past the pain, you process through it. I am so sorry that you are a member of this club.

Mickeymom posted 2/22/2018 00:26 AM

Agree you process through this pain. I am 3 1/2 years since DD of LTA that was 4 years. There have been so many ups and downs and days that I did not feel strong enough days I just didnít want to live anymore and like you times I felt closer then ever, we had to tear our M down and rebuild and we continue to work both of us continue to fight to get out M back. It still hurts I wonít lie but at this point I am starting to feel like myself blind trust is gone. You are very early in this and the roller coaster you are on will not be fun. It is important for your WS to do the work do not rug sweep as I have found here that usually gets you a repeat offender you must talk talk and talk process and WS has to work on their self to heal and help you heal they must do what you need for them to be a safe partner.

BrokenheartedWif posted 2/22/2018 16:23 PM

For those of you who are a few years out, are your WS pursuing you to make you feel special, desired, loved and cherished including discussing what they told themselves to be so selfish and broken?

Or are their conflict avoidant tendencies surfacing again and they just act is if non pursuit and not dealing with the shit pile they threw on us and the thermo nuclear blast and the ensuing damage to our very core will just go away.

northeasternarea posted 2/23/2018 09:13 AM

For those of you who are a few years out, are your WS pursuing you to make you feel special, desired, loved and cherished including discussing what they told themselves to be so selfish and broken?

I guess that depends on how you define pursuing. He take takes me out, plans activities for us to do together, give wonderful gifts. The only thing he hasn't done is give me that written timeline. We no longer talk about how he got to the point of allowing himself to have an affair.

12and20years posted 2/23/2018 16:18 PM

My husband had a 5 year affair. It was way too much for me to let go of, I know I would never be able to trust him again and I don't want to live that kind of life and he has fought every attempt at making him accountable to where he is and who he's with and he works with the AP. And is not willing to leave his job, and with a 5 year affair I don't think even leaving a job would guarantee no contact and he's made it clear he's not going to be monitored happily or even moderately willingly. So he wasted 5 years of my life and I am done. He said he doesn't want the D, but I didn't want the betrayal so....
5 years is a lot of lying and every anniversary card, kiss, moment is all brought into question for a ridiculous amount of time- almost half of our marriage.

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