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Long Term Affairs Part 38

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UKgirl posted 1/3/2018 14:24 PM

TTT, I don't post often but saw your recent post and just want to add my condolences. As you say, life is short and you just don't know what is around the corner.

If you are coming here and reading this, may I suggest you deal ONLY with your father and family and shelve everything to do with the affair. Box it up and take it out again later when you are ready. You don't need your WH's shit as well. And tell him so. Tell him you are NOT going to talk or decide anything right now and he should give you some space. If you need him to leave, then ask him to go. If he has any decency, he should do anything you need him to do right now. If he begins to make anything about him, shut him up and do the 180.

Look after you right now. See to your own needs and that of your son.

I'm so very sorry. This is just awful for you.

Big hugs xxx

Tentwinkletoes posted 1/3/2018 18:22 PM

Thanks for your kind words it helps to know others hear the pain.
Thanks also ukgirl. This has happened naturally in the past few days. My body and mind have shut down the fall out of the A. And naturally wh has stepped right in with his support and help. We have been trying to R but I've struggled to accept his love as genuine and not allow resentment anger and hurt to block him. He's doing the same sort of things as he has in R. But when applied in this situation I've found being able to lean on him and accept him, trust him to support me has been natural and easier. I've missed this intimacy with him. We have talked lots about what's happened and I've referenced the pain of the A being similar to this but actually worse, and that didn't make me want to retract instead I recognised I'm coming through that. And I will manage through this too.

The previous trauma of infidelity has taught me something and made me stronger as self care has been a priority already. I'm allowing myself to feel and being patient only doing what I want and can. No pressure or expectation of myself. Although I think I'm still in shock and this is trickling the pain. I reckon this is due to such a difficult emotional year already it's like my body and mind already only want to process this bit by bit. And I won't rush through it. I will wait for it to hit and hope I can continue leaning on wh rather than withdraw or revert to negative coping mechanisms. And continue care for myself.
I'm only a few days out of this trauma and I'm fully aware I have a whole other rollercoaster to ride now, but I hope this gives me more strength and perspective to deal with A when I have to. I think it's definitely prioritised things. I realise there's not any productive place for anger in my life despite it coming easily and naturally. Its a waste of me and my life which is precious.

steph posted 1/7/2018 22:09 PM

TTT,
Iím so sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself and let anyone who offers, take care of you too.

Dequeened posted 1/11/2018 17:56 PM

Donna3
It's been 2 yrs + 2 months since dday and I struggle with why doesn't my WS want to talk to me about ALL that has occurred in his LTA that lasted more than 10+ yrs. He will only answer what is asked and really hates and shuts down when the A is mentioned and I need help with why. Is it that he doesn't or chooses not to remember since so much has occurred? Doesn't want to hurt me more? Although he seems to want to remain married and work on things he doesn't like to discuss it. He seems to want to pretend it never happened. We started CC and IC shortly after dday and stopped due to finances but he doesn't seem open to either now but is willing to do anything else to show he's trying. I ask but he gives no real reasons. He has been sexually abused as a kid and I know this plays apart. I would like for him to talk to me about his A in detail not me asking random questions with no real clarification. I tried every approach nothing works and I feel stuck here not knowing what all happened during that A. Just says it was just emotionalless sex, he considered her a friend that he talked to and had porn sex with!!! i just dont know what to believe...thoughts welcomed.

[This message edited by Dequeened at 6:03 PM, January 11th (Thursday)]

honesttoafault posted 1/11/2018 20:48 PM

Dequeened: Gently... the problem with a LTA is that it became a normalized part of the WS's life to a point that they may not remember a lot of things because it was a daily, day to day thing. That's one of the reasons that a LTA can go on so long, because it's all part of the double life they lead. And for a BS, that is one of the most painful things to have to face.

This is NOT an excuse for the behavior.

I know, as a BS, we want to know everything. We want to know details to help us heal. It can drive us crazy not knowing, but in reality, in a LTA, we may never know everything we want to know, sometimes because the WS doesn't want to tell us, or they may not even remember some of the details because it's the nature of the beast of a LTA.

northeasternarea posted 1/12/2018 14:32 PM

Dequeened, you can't make him talk. What you have to decide is whether him not talking is a dealbreaker for you. Figure out what you want, and go from there. Perhaps you should insist on returning to counseling.

deephurt posted 1/12/2018 21:01 PM

Dequeened-with the exception of the amount of time from dday-I could have written your post.

I want more information. I am surprised at how little he can recall and how quickly his memory has been fading since.

There are things now that he doesnít remember that he told me closer to dday. Of course there is no way for us to know for sure if they donít remember or just donít want to tell you. I will tell you that I have days I believe it and days that I wonder if itís another lie.

Compartmentalization is pretty much a requirement for them to be able to carry in a lta. I have done some r search in it including having an si mad hatter private message me info in it quite a while back. She had done loads of research on the brain and itís capabilites fir her career. The information was very valuable in understanding some of it. Often when they compartmentalize, it stays there.

I am certain my wh has memory lapses of the a for two different reasons. 1. The medication he was in at the time was making his anxiety much worse. And 2. Fear.

I triwill s everything I could to try to get some ore information. I even made him take me to the parks they met at while he closed his eyes to try to remember. He remember d very little but I got a little bit.

They are also ashamed that they became that horrible of a person. At least mine is. When itís brought up, he hates himself all over again and canít believe he did what he did.

I have to come accept that I have all the information that inwilllikely her out of him. I try to make myself someone he can trust to tell without getting angry-but itís difficult. I believe that has hindered progress in the memory department. Our mc has confirmed that the possible. Itís just so damn hard to believe that they canít remember.

I stupidly allowed him to wipe his previous phone clean as I believed at the time that I had sufficient information. I was planning on taking it to someone to extract all the deleted texts, pictures and emails. I wish I hadnít allowed that and taken it because I believe I would have gotten a lot more information. I canít undo that though.

I am trying to r with who he is now and keep an eye open for signs of the old him. He had the correct meds now and he seems to be calm and level headed now.

Betrayed20 posted 1/13/2018 16:52 PM

Fascinated by the similarities in all the posts on here. I too am struggling with the excuse of poor memory / compartmented memory.

My main block to recovery is not feeling my WS has really opened up to me, willingly and without questions being asked. How can you ever really trust again when all the information about the A had to be prized out of him or willingly given by the OW?Actually feel I got more honesty from the OW than him!

He also claims he cannot remember details and greatly minimised the number of hookups and time between physical meetings over the 15 years of the affair. They spoke by email, text and calls during gaps in meeting up, sometimes with years in between. It seems things reduced after the first intense year, after he was challenged about a message I heard on his voice mail from a woman he claimed was only a friend. I feel like a fool to have trusted him. But will I be a fool to trust again? Is he genuinely unable to remember? After 25 years of marriage, how much more pain can / should I endure? Trying again is putting my heart at risk again.

northeasternarea posted 1/14/2018 12:10 PM

Betrayed20, what I had to do was figure out the best course for me. You are not a fool.

Twinsmom posted 1/15/2018 23:16 PM

Oh my goodness I found my home! I am the BS of a Wh who had a LTA. I don't know the exact time frame of the affair but it somewhere around 2 years. My DD was July 4th when my husband left out of the blue while I was out watching fireworks with my friends. He texted me and said he had gone to stay with a friend to "figure things out" and he would call me the next day. We weren't fighting or having problems at all. I know now that we were kind of living like roommates but I didn't think anything of it because we had been married 26 years and we were both super busy. He slept in my bed every night and was home every weekend. I had no reason to be concerned or think anything was going on at all. Anyway, he called the next day to say that he had been having at LTA for a couple of years and the girl was pregnant. She had his baby 5 days later. He has been living with her since that day. We met about 2 weeks after he left and he told me the story of how he met her on the internet while searching for information on depression and she "gave him hope". He began to email, then text and then met her in person and they started an affair. My whole life and the life of my three kids was turned upside down. I am so glad to have found people who understand that it is terrible to question every family minute we have had for the last several years and wonder what my WH was doing and thinking. It is absolutely unbelievable!

Looking forward to hearing from people who understand!

northeasternarea posted 1/16/2018 16:30 PM

Twinsmom, welcome to the club nobody wants to join. Are you planning to divorce?

hopefull77 posted 1/16/2018 19:46 PM

((Twinsmom))
Welcome to the club we wish we'd never needed! BUT there is lots of wisdom and shoulders to lean on a brains to pick...
there is also a OC ( other child) forum here on the I can relate forum...
you are NOT alone...

Mickeymom posted 1/16/2018 22:50 PM

Welcome twinsmom: you definitely found a good place to be. This sounds like have really been through such a hard time. This is so hard and stressful. So where are you today? Are you separated now or working on R? I do agree that OC forum probably a good place to get some understanding on that aspect. My only advice is LTA are so very difficult. You must take care of yourself and your children. Take one day at a time. And is true time does help heal. Hugs

Twinsmom posted 1/16/2018 23:06 PM

Thanks for the welcome friends. I will check on the OC forum. I didn't even think about that. I try not to think about the OW and OC as they are not part of my world.

We are definitely going to D. We have discussed some terms of D and he is supposed to be looking into what needs to be done but that was months ago. I am currently busy with our twins who will be graduating high school in May. Also, I have purchased a townhouse that is being built and I am working on getting our house on the market. I have not been in a hurry to D so far because I am on his insurance and all of our finances have stayed the same which has made that part of life easier for me. Once we get moved and the house sold, if he hasn't done anything about D I will move on it.

I am excited to find people who understand the betrayal of a LTA. Thanks for the support!

needfriendshere posted 1/17/2018 16:13 PM

It has been a very long time since I've posted here, but you are never far from my thoughts. I just wanted to let you know that I have not forgotten you.

My life has mercifully taken a turn whereby I am not consumed by what H did anymore. Does it still hurt when I think about it? Hell yeah! But I finally have a life apart from H. I realize that for over 3 years after Dday, I spent my days (and nights) making sure he was happy and satisfied. And I did little more. Now, thanks for some awesome opportunities that have come my way, I am living for others again...And it feels great. I feel free. I do not need H to feel fulfilled, to feel whole. I want him in my life and he is indeed in it, but I no longer need him with the desperation that consumed my life for some 40 or so months.

Hugs to MickeyMom, Hopeful77, Steph, Northeasternarea, Deephurt, Donna3, Brokenheartedwif, and all the new people who have become part of this group since last I visited. I wish you all a year of peace, joy, and unconditional love.

northeasternarea posted 1/18/2018 07:47 AM

NFH, good to hear from you. I hope things continue to go well for you.

Mickeymom posted 1/18/2018 22:04 PM

Hi NFH. As always could not have said it better I still check but not here as much either. My life line that once was here I found myself again my strength who I was before my life got torpedo
I am so glad to hear you are doing good and life is moving on.
Twinsmom: you sound amazing and strong and taking care of business and taking care of you on your twins. Hugs we are here. This forum not as busy as it was a couple years back as NFH said many of us have progressed and are healing so we donít visit as much but like NFH this place that saved me is never far away from my thought the people that supported and listened and understood like no one in RL could possibly understand. I hope for all her peace at least for today

BrokenheartedWif posted 1/18/2018 23:10 PM

((Twinsmom)) sorry you are a part of this club. The OC forum could have some good advice for you. You may want to file a Child Support order for your twins and any additional schools, before his adultery co-conspirator files for the OC.

Glad to hear you are taking care of yourself NFH.

Deejay523 posted 1/23/2018 15:12 PM

[This message edited by Deejay523 at 12:13 PM, January 30th (Tuesday)]

northeasternarea posted 1/24/2018 07:34 AM

Deejay, I am sorry that you are in so much pain. The only thing that I can offer is that you must change your focus to you. You are the only person that you can control.

I will also share that believing in God and trusting that God has a plan for my life has been a big part of getting me through this.

((Hugs))

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