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Long Term Affairs Part 38

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northeasternarea posted 12/26/2017 10:01 AM

Hope everyone had a good Christmas. Mine was busy, I am still tired.

steph posted 12/26/2017 22:45 PM

Had a wonderful weekend with a house full of our entire family, kids, grandkids, dogs, they all came. There was no arguing, no stress, just a nice Christmas.

Today was nice too I picked up, cleaned, made a good dent in getting the house back in order. Enjoyed the day off with a manicure and pedicure. Then it went downhill.

H got a call around 9:00 from a young man wanting to borrow money. H hemmed and hawed and gave excused and danced around saying a flat out no.

When he hung up, I was triggered big time. It got into me asking about when was the last time he gave the OW money. He was vague and I was upset. I asked when he was going to answer my questions. He said he isnít and his counselor said it wouldnít be good for me.

So Iím to try to repair a 40 plus year relationship with a man who has secrets from me and refuses to be honest? Refuses to comfort me in the emotional pain he causes because Iím stressing him out and he wonít sleep?

I let it fly and told him I resent that we havenít had sex in two years and that I seriously doubt that hasnít been the case for him, that his last encounter was probably with a 22year old. He said heís afraid to touch me, afraid Iíll hit him. Iíve never done that. Honestly, thatís just an excuse for him to justify his behavior to himself.

I told him our kids think Iím crazy and they donít truly know what my problem is.

I think Iíve kept too much hurt buried too deep for too long. Now Iím the one who canít sleep.

jen54 posted 12/27/2017 16:11 PM

Hello All
Hope everyone had a nice holiday. I've been busy, with life, I lurk here now and again.
My WH is doing all I ask. Most days are good. Usually stress will set me on a road to a full blown meltdown, but only one incident mid-December... so progress. Hugs

BrokenheartedWif posted 12/28/2017 10:42 AM

((Steph)) I'm so sorry your WS continues in his very childish selfish ways.

Mickeymom posted 12/28/2017 11:08 AM

Seachelles: I love one more closure one more way of healing it seems small but itís actually big. My WS canít get a new number due to work, so I do wander if she will ever try to reach out. Only on big days say Christmas, so I am happy one more door closed one more step towards healing yeah..

Deejay: this is the place to vent. For me as I move through this journey I keep pushing to say this bitch gets nothing more from me zero of my life. So if I start to see myself going into obsession with thoughts I get up change the environment do anything to take my mind away from where it is. I know I am stronger then this. Itís true we get stronger thatís the key. We are strong and you are strong, but you also deserve to vent and let it out you are heard and understood.
Steph: I think there is something wrong with your WS counsler mine said just the opposite recovery was ALL about me and AwZs would wine what about me he MC would say itís not about you itís about mickeymom and her healing when she is healed then we will come back to you but for now itís all about her and what she needs. I think that clarity for him took sometime to understand as he had lived in his self absorbed selfish life for a long time, but him getting was a step towards our healing.
Peace all and happy holidays...
I can finally say I am moving forward kinda scared to say but after little over 3 years I feel almost back to me almost healed
Peace all

Tentwinkletoes posted 12/28/2017 14:07 PM

Hi I've been on the main forums quite alot but never ventured here. I'm sorry you're all here for the same reasons.

Recently the length of the A, 18months, which was always the most shocking and destructive element due to the length of time he could lie deceive and act normal while doing what he was doing. And as normality returns 10 Months into R I just wonder if I can accept it. I just feel no respect or love for him. I feel loneliness and disgust for him. I have resentment for the time I gave and the desperation I felt when he finally realised what he was doing (only took a yr to feel that risk and realisation. So at that point pulled away and showed signs of the A. Prior to that it was very casual and not noticeable as such) I feel sick at the thought giving him more than I already have. I wonder can I ever trust or love him again. Can I ever accept he cheated for a third of our marriage? At the time of D day nearly half of our sons life. We were together 12 yrs, married 5 yrs and a 4 yr old son. So there is more time to it all but it's such a large part of who we are he's done this for. I can't help but think if it was a few weeks or months it would be easier to overwrite with the rest of our clean honest history. Or if we had 20+ yrs and more children and happiness I could see this as blip (I know it's not really a blip but again outweighed more) compared to something obliterating such a long time of our lives!

I try to justify or balance it in my head. At the height he still only saw her once every couple of wks buy by there there was more daily idle chat. But we estimate in total around 14-18 hook ups in 18 months. Sometimes 2-3 months between....so should I really throw it all away for a sleazy hook up he didn't even want that badly as it wasn't even once a Month on average. But then hr was willing to throw us away for that! So why shouldnt I? Oh and of course when he started to crack under the pressure he ran off there hrs at a time and spent the most amount of time he ever had 4 times over a Month period.....basically accessibility and her pressure was upped along with my suspicions and his mood. So he jumped right in knowing it was about collapse. I often wish I'd found out before all that time was given away to her so many more times. Those are the times I feel sick when he was there for 2-3 hrs weekly.compared to sleezy 30 min hook up every 2-3 months.

I hate them both so much. I hate him. I just don't believe I can come out this anymore.

Forevermore posted 12/29/2017 11:15 AM

((Tentwinkletoes)) I'm new to this thread, as I just started reading it, but I wanted to let you know you were heard and I feel your pain. The fact that he could lie to me for so many years and risked everything for something he says was "nothing" to him kills me. If they were nothing to him, what does that make me? Who does that?

Stillcoping71 posted 12/29/2017 12:04 PM

tentwinkletoes... I understand what you are feeling. It's hard to put it all into perspective. Although all our stories on this forum are similar, we also all relate to some posts more than others at different times. I was drawn to your post here because of the similarity in the frequency that WH and OW were together. As wrong as it all is, i admit that I too have tried to ease my mind with the lack of frequency. It was every few months between hook ups ad it was when she pressured him to come over (I've seen the emails). Regardless of the frequency, Just makes me sad he was able to do it. If he didn't want to then he should have stopped. As you said, the length of time is so destructive. These LTA are unbelievably hard.

Forevermore posted 12/29/2017 20:09 PM

Stillcoping, I think it's normal that we try to ease our pain with the lack of frequency. My husband also states their meetings were not frequent 9 in all within a 5 year LTA or long (30-45 min) since they met during lunch time.(Frequency also discussed in messages) He used to also always refused to go out when I would tell him to go out with the guys. That's what I use: the frequency and the fact that he never wanted to go out when he was home. I would tell him to go and he would not. That's why I was so shocked when he said he had been having an affair for years! I couldn't think when he had time!

Hopeful76 posted 12/29/2017 21:21 PM

Yes the length of a Long Term Affair grinds away at your heart and soul. My FWH's affair spanned 6.5 years. One year active PA. 2.5 year occasional text, phone call and email when he lost his job and then 3 years PA again when he got another job traveling near her. They met every 2 to 3 weeks. He also said she meant nothing to him. He was trying to fill a hole. "Ironic" right?

How do you stay? How do you live with that person?

I don't. I live with a different person. If he were anything like that person I would have been gone permanently over a year ago.

This is the hardest, most painful experience of my over 60 years.

Have been performing a marriage autopsy to learn and absorb the truth. The truth is that it had not been the marriage I told myself it was for over 20 years. Alcoholism was the gas that kept the car going down the hill in the wrong direction.

Why am I here? I am not sure I will be happier away from this new man than I am staying and see what happens. I know this - one tiny whiff of the other man and he is gone and the door will lock forever. If I were younger and did not have over 41 years in this marriage, my answer might be different. But this is my answer for now.

Tentwinkletoes posted 12/30/2017 04:29 AM

I do wonder if my choices would be altered under other circumstances. I've just turned 31. Our son is 4 and he would be an active parent with shared custody. I do wonder should I go it alone to see if I can find another life less painful or risky....but I know there's risks with anyone now. So it's not that simple is it? And I'd lose half my time with my son.

Wh admits if I'd thrown him out he prob would've continued seeing her as it was there and established. But he would've resented her and he had never spent any quality time with her. The bubble burst of his view of her almost instantly so I think that would've happened .... However we bought our house 6 months prior to d day. I often wonder if we still had our previous flat I could afford myself if I'd have thrown him out....probably. And he would've continued seeing her...probably. Him choosing her at that point to me I don't think there would be any discussion surrounding R. So my need for him financially just for now opened the door for R. Although I told him to go to her as long as he could pay bills for a couple of months and I got someone out to value the house and sell that very day I found out. I just assumed that was it and done. And he didn't leave or go to her even when I made it easy for him to go. He stayed here. So I try to take some comfort from that. He never intended to actually leave. He never actually wanted her properly. She was a welcome addition to what he had not a substitute or replacement.
But had it been outed before our house it would've prob been completely over. Had I been able to pay all the bills myself it would prob be over. I'd be fine financially once I'd sold the house as I'm main breadwinner. So I still have options yet I don't take it....i was forced to consider R and now realise it is what I want. Bot just for him but It's this life I worked so hard for and wanted. He's tainted it. Buying our dream house while sleeping with her. Although buying the house is what tipped him and made him realise what he had and what he was risking that's when the cracks started showing within him!

But being younger, financially independent outside of the house sale. I wonder if I'm risking too much for that altered life?

I really want a second child. And it was all part of my plans. But I don't think I will ever be in a position now with him. I don't think I could ever bring another Child into this potential now. But that's me forfeiting something pretty huge. Along with my expectations and view of the marriage. And the loss overall. I cant help but wonder if a new start could deliver more of what I want and deserve. I have time to meet someone else. Have another child. Another 4-5 yrs and I will have missed that opportunity potentially . ..... Of course I love wh and would probably miss him terribly. Anyone else I think would be settling for less on the hope it would be safer. Or I could take the risks let go and try to reclaim that life with wh. But that seems impossible. Ita almost like I wouldn't manage to let go and be in that life entirely. But doubtful I would with anyone else either....sorry ranting here.

I do feel I'm coming to a cross roads at 10 months where I start investing emotionally more and actively choose to stay rather than stay in limbo. Or call a day on it stop dragging myself through this limbo and take steps to separate. I don't want the limbo anymore. I want to be all in or all out.

Forevermore posted 12/30/2017 10:05 AM

I could have written what you wrote Tentwinkletoes. I've known my husband since high school, we were college room mates and we have been married for 10 years. So a pretty long history.

I am also 37, 2 toddlers and the main bread winner. My reason for staying at first was about the same. I know I can leave now and start a new life since I am the main breadwinner. Even if I can't afford the house by myself, I would be fine. So at first I stayed more for the kids. When I kicked my husband out, I saw how it was affecting my kids. It was not pretty. My son, who was in kindergarten, was getting suspended 3 times a week! He was having a lot of problems. My daughter kept having nightmares and my son told me "Mommy, please let daddy come back, I promise he will be good." That hurt! But it would hurt more if I only got to see them part time and if they ever call someone else mommy. But that would have been my reality if my husband didn't fight so hard for staying. I think that if my kids hand't been in the picture, I would have been done and divorced that first week of Dday.

But I also think that if he hadn't fought so hard to show me he wanted the marriage, was remorseful, and really was all in, I would have been done. He didn't want to leave when I kicked him out, I packed his bags and threw him out. He left to a friend's house and then his sisters house and was always around my house. If he would have gone to any of his other women, I don't know if I would be as open to R either. He is really working hard on fixing himself and us. I see the changes and feel how different it is to really be living the marriage rather than just surviving it.

I am 16 months out from Dday and I do not feel like I am giving my all to R. He wants more affection and I am having a hard time with that. I really want to be all in already. I fell like I'm 90% in. I hate that I'm fence sitting and want to just go for it. My staying says I'm here, but I want to feel emotinally too. However, the length of the affairs and the amount of girls he was talking to is mind boggling. I am really having a hard time with it. However, the main reason is that I'm just too scared to open myself up to getting hurt again.

[This message edited by Forevermore at 10:14 AM, December 30th (Saturday)]

Tentwinkletoes posted 12/31/2017 05:33 AM

I have no advice especially as I'm dealing with one affair which did start to turn emotional more for her and he had to reciprocate to a certain extent, but it was long term and I have no idea how I accept that. So to add additional affairs to that just seems even more heart breaking. I too now question other situations and reflect if there was more. I've even contacted others in the past and asked them outright having told them what's happened now but everyone was understanding and actually haven't told me anything else. He did admit to a sexual act when we were on/off way back at the start which he didn't really have to. But that's been enough to wonder if I'm learning the true him now and he's put on s good front over the 12 yrs I've known him. It's so hard to know when reality has been altered so badly to something unrecognisable.

It's new years eve we are meant to be going to a big family friends fancy dress party. I remember last yrs so clearly. As his ow had been bk home for weeks we had rekindled our closeness and intimacy he was able to enjoy being with us again. And I cringe now as I felt my marriage in crisis and suddenly it felt like it could be all ok again and I was throwing myself at him, kissed cuddles taking photos I was so happy to feel like us again. That now feels so empty. So this year I have the reality. The truth. I now have him wanting to make it work and willing to make it work. And I can't stomach the thought of bringing in the new year being like that with him. Nor do I want to bring it in feel solemn and miserable. I don't know how to act or feel how I actually feel or how I want to be. I'm contemplating not going. I've went yo the shops and now sitting in a coffee shop, then going to the gym. Just avoiding him. Avoiding thinking how I feel about it all as there's so much resentment for where he put me last nye and everything I've been through since. I also know in a couple of wks I've got all the anniversaries of the days he buried his head and suddenly upped the affair and went there more often and for longer. When they started saying I love you. I've got another 2 months before he realised and confessed to me. We have in some ways had s happy Christmas. Last yr was the same. Yet he would go back to her right after and throw himself in it even more. He said he realised he was in too deep out of control then questioned how he actually felt considering what he was doing and it was easier yo throw himself at her whetr it was easy nothing to lose or face. But to face me would mean admitting it all. He wanted to. But it took longer for him to actually do it....but that last month or so of the affair is what's done the most damage. Having us again. Seeing what we had. Yet choosing to return to her. And more.

I feel like I'm maybe arriving at separating as my option. I just don't know if I can or want to get past this anymore. And hiding out in a coffee shop isn't my style or confidence building that R is for me

Forevermore posted 12/31/2017 10:33 AM

I am sorry that you are having such a hard time today Tentwinkletoes. I think that's something we all resent, that we are acting or doing things that are "not us." It is exhausting. I'm still working on that too. I have had those "I am so done moments." I even went so far and told my husband that I wanted to divorce and I made plans on how we would handle the separation. However, like it normally happens with this crazy roller coaster, I realized that I wasn't really ready. He is really working hard at it and my counseling session soon after that decision also made me doubt if I really was done. So if you change your mind and want to stay it's okay. Remember, do what is best for you and what makes you happy. Don't think about what others would think because they don't live your life. You do.

As for you going out tonight. Have you thought of maybe changing plans? Do you really have to go to this party? I was in almost the same situation for Christmas. Every year we get invited to a big Christmas Eve Party and every year we go. It is exhausting and it's really more about mingling and talking to other people. It's not really about "us" (My kids, my husband and I). So this year we decided to pass on the party and stay home and make cookies, play games and watch Christmas movies. It was fun. It was more intimate, more about our kids and really enjoying us. I also felt like my husband and I really connected more and it was the first Christmas we both really enjoyed.

So maybe you and your husband could stay home and reign in the new year together. Spend it together and make new memories. My husband and I are going to cook our favorite foods, Steak, shrimp, lobster and all the fixings. That's our thing, we love to cook. We are going to pop some firework with the kids and enjoy our time together. I am really looking forward to it.

northeasternarea posted 12/31/2017 20:47 PM

Happy New Year to all of you. Wishing you a 2018 filled with peace.

Tentwinkletoes posted 1/1/2018 02:06 AM

I went and resentment monster kicked in before midnight even happened I decided to leave and took my son home to our families house. However my husband walked us home to open the door and I just saw red alcohol and my mood didn't mix. I shouldn't have come or drank. And I physically kicked him. He stormed away. Rightly so.

Staying is making me a person I don't want to be. I've too much anger and resentment. I just don't have the grace to stay and forgive. I think staying might make me the monster. He text me later while I was in bed I didn't even wish any one happy new yr or check my phone I just went to bed. And he said I had to reflect on my behaviour. He's right I did that nearly infront of our son. It's abusive it's nasty it's horrible im not willing to go further down this road. I love my son and I love my husband too much. So if I haven't manage the r road maybe it's not for us

Tentwinkletoes posted 1/1/2018 16:00 PM

I've posted in General. But my dad passed away suddenly today. He choked to death so this has seriously made me reconsider my actions and feelings today. I don't want to lose my husband and family same day I lost my dad.

Hold your loved ones closely anything can be round the corner.

honesttoafault posted 1/1/2018 17:12 PM

I am so sorry for your loss tentwinkletoes. Sending my thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

Forevermore posted 1/1/2018 19:05 PM

I am at a loss for words. The pain you must be feeling can't be compared. Just know that we are here to support you. I am so sorry for your loss Tentwinkletoes. My condolences to you and your family.

hopefull77 posted 1/1/2018 19:29 PM

TTT...I posted in your other thread but wanted to tell you how sorry I am for you and your family...
life is a journey ...just be patient with yourself and no decisions need to be made...

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