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Long Term Affairs Part 38

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Mickeymom posted 12/9/2017 00:50 AM

Oh Donna I am glad your still doing well. I think it was something odd but not sure yet just keeping an eye trying not to over react but paying attention I can never doubt myself again until proven wrong sio I am just paying attention. Will see. I donít think I would break again the disappointment wound kill but will see. I hope itís just my hyper vigilant self now

steph posted 12/10/2017 23:33 PM

Thanks for asking about me. Lurking on this forum, keeping up with everyoneís posts. Lost 21 pounds and not on the infidelity diet. Lost it finally doing something for me.

Still trying to process my life and feeling the last 12+ years have been wasted on false R. Having a difficult time believing that he just dropped all contact after a life altering experience in Oct.

Was going through hell this time last year highlighted by a lovely call the day before Xmas Eve from XOW telling me all about my hís other life. I guess Iím having a little PTSD but managing.

amanda123 posted 12/11/2017 14:38 PM

Hello to everyone, just dropping in to say that Im still around but not as much as I use to be. So when I do come on I have a little bit of reading to catch up to speed with what is happening with everyone.

Im so happy to hear that people are taking time to do good things for themselves. It is so evident that we as the BSs are givers and we always tended to put ourselves last.

Christmas and the holiday season will be upon us very soon and for some of us, it brings back memories and unfortunately some not so good. All I can echo what others have said to me many times, try and live in the present and think about the now and not what was. I hope to be taking that advice myself.

Mickey I hope its nothing for you to worry about, but absolutely keep an eye out if you feel something is not right.

Wishing everyone happiness and love as I believe we all deserve it.

northeasternarea posted 12/11/2017 20:18 PM

steph, keep taking care of you.

lostsuol posted 12/13/2017 14:52 PM

Just wondering how my SI friends are doing these days... Thinking of you as the December days pass.

hopefull77 posted 12/14/2017 07:21 AM

Just checking in as well...
today is my sons birthday and will have a family dinner...
I am looking forward to Christmas with my grandson...
He is the future and I love him so!
The fires here in So Cal have displaced a close family member. Their lives changed in seconds...they will be ok in the long run but it's a journey none the less...
hang in there TRIBE ...Happy Christmas or whatever you celebrate! But do celebrate the good things...
peace everyone

skins21 posted 12/14/2017 09:32 AM

I guess this a thread I should join too. I'm having a tough time right now deciding between a trial separation and a Divorce. It's been 11 months since DD and I just am not feeling optimistic about this M working out.

Aasha posted 12/14/2017 16:41 PM

I am new here to this thread. My STBXH had a long term affair of +10 years before I found out. We have been married almost 21 years. We attempted reconciliation, but 3 months into it I found texts where he had still been in contact with OW, he had never broken contact with her. He has been reluctant to throw in the towel, but last week, after months of my indifference he finally gave up, left the house and insisted I file for divorce. I filed this week.

I gave reconciliation my all. Apparently, he did not. I have no desire to spend the rest of my life questioning his every move, every motive, everything spoken word. I am not living in a "marital prison" for the rest of my life.

That being said, I am still struggling. I don't know how to recover from something like this. I went to my doctor recently to evaluate my antidepressants to make sure they are still effective for me. I have been taking antidepressants for 25 years. I am hoping a change in meds will help.

How do you get over this? How do you get over knowing your spouse lived a second life? That he had been sexually intimate with someone not his wife? That he had love emotions for another woman? How do you recover from the failed R? How do you keep this from changing you, from changing the essence of who you are? I just struggle deeply trying to find answers. So much wasted time. What kind of person can compartmentalize life so completely, so effortlessly, with such a callous disregard for those they supposedly love?

How have you fellow SI'ers who were victimized by LTA's manage to get back your control? To save yourself?

Mickeymom posted 12/15/2017 08:29 AM

Hi tribe all is well here... my little suspicion I wrote about was not what I was thinking itís been clarified after an investigation on my part I did not realize my home computer links itís history to my husbands phone not sure why but maybe because uses same iCloud I donít know but after checking daily I realized anything my son or daughter does on home computer goes on his phone safari history also anyhoo all is ok here.
Asha: welcome to our little club you never wanted to join... this forum seems much more quiet then when I started here 3 years ago after DD I can only conclude that many of have somewhat healed from this horrific even that happened to us. I still come here often this forum is my home my safety net when I feel unsteady, I hope can be for you also. I am so sorry to read your story. So many of us here have suffered the same betrayal and pain we do understand it. There are no easy answers except you did not fail your WS failed, failed you he failed your M. I donít think this is something you get over itís a process you work through itís actually the grief process the M you had has died and you need the time to mourn it. Like a death you will never forget the M but you will move on with your life. Most important is you donít get stuck and you care for yourself. It does change you for most of us we are better people now or at least better to ourselves we donít settle we expect more from people we refuse not to be treated less then we deserve.
To be honest I donít know how someone can live two lives everyday without guilt and fear of getting caught I am just not wired that way.
At this point for you, you must go live your new life, yes a lot of time wasted, but your still here breathing you have more life to live your story is not over. I wish you and the rest of the tribe peace this holiday season.

[This message edited by Mickeymom at 8:31 AM, December 15th (Friday)]

northeasternarea posted 12/15/2017 12:26 PM

How do you get over this? How do you get over knowing your spouse lived a second life? That he had been sexually intimate with someone not his wife? That he had love emotions for another woman? How do you recover from the failed R? How do you keep this from changing you, from changing the essence of who you are? I just struggle deeply trying to find answers. So much wasted time. What kind of person can compartmentalize life so completely, so effortlessly, with such a callous disregard for those they supposedly love?

Aasha, you don't get over it, you go through it. I am so sorry that your WH didn't value the gift of reconciliation that you offered. I think that it does change you. Everything that we experience changes us. ((Hugs))

honesttoafault posted 12/17/2017 19:28 PM

Aasha, I agree with the others. You do NOT get over it like you would if you had the flu or an operation. It's like death. You never really get over the death of a loved one, but you learn to go through the mourning, and with time, you learn to go on and through it.

With a LTA, there is soooo much to process. It takes a long time, sometimes years. Sometimes we feel we have a handle on it, and there are times when it can bring us down again.

Keep coming here and talk an vent. Also, listening to and supporting others helps a lot. SI saved my life. LITERALLY.

I wish there was a magic answer that could take away your pain. I know how much pain you are in. I will tell you, that as time goes on, the pain won't be as sharp as it is now. There will be a time that you will actually forget for a while, although there will be triggers. You will be able to get to a point that something will trigger the LTA, you will recognize it, take a deep breath and go on.

Invest in YOU right now. Be kind to yourself. Invest in YOUR future for YOU.

honesttoafault posted 12/17/2017 19:39 PM

Hi lost suol and UKgirl! I was just checking in myself. The holidays are full of triggers.

Lately, I've been finding myself getting triggers that I haven't in years. Weird. Guess that's normal during the holidays when I might get nostalgic for the past and miss loved ones that have passed, or days pre-DDay where I thought all was well.

Maybe this is one of the last stages of processing things. False R is a killer of souls. I'm almost feeling very angry with myself for putting up with so much for so long and realize that I was so starved that I was accepting crumbs and was grateful for it at the time, and now that I'm looking back, I feel angry at myself.

Maybe that's the last step. To forgive myself for trying tooo long and not accepting and not taking better care of ME.

One thing I can say to newbies, if WH/WW is not truly remorseful and is NOT truly working towards R, it will NOT work, no matter how much YOU may try. It takes two to make a marriage and it takes TWO to work towards R.

Trust your gut, and not what you want to believe.

Sending peace to all. Hang in there.

seachelles posted 12/19/2017 06:22 AM

Somthing that happened last night that gave me a new appreciation for WH. Our daughter's phone has had battery issues for months. The phone is going on 3 years now. She's in grad school and really doesn't have the extra money to get a new phone, so she's been limping along. It's to the point where she's charging it constantly, so it needs to be replaced. But we really couldn't go out and buy one for her- the other kid didn't get her last phone bought for her.

Verizon had a deal where you could get a "free" iPhone 8 (with credits to your account) if you bought one. WH's phone is as old (if not older) than hers so he got a new one as well.

Here's the part where it comes into his 5year A. He had to activate a new line in order to get a new phone for free. So he got a new phone #, and is deleting the old one after 30 days. That old phone # is the one that he gave HER. SHE texted, sexted, called etc on the old #. I saw the phone bill right after D-day- there were over 2000 texts to her phone in just one month..... And I know it sounds really silly, but it just feels like that's one more door closing on this chapter in our lives- one more step toward healing

[This message edited by seachelles at 6:23 AM, December 19th (Tuesday)]

Deejay523 posted 12/19/2017 13:02 PM

This was my vent this morning more like my scream I posted in reconciling,just having some bad moments. ..
Anyway does anyone have any suggestions on turning this one around it's a tough one for me. I did not get any response in the other forum, I can understand because my post looks and sounds like nothing but a negative ramble. It's not it's what I feel and what's going on inside of me..And I come here for comfort and support and advice. .my post is below

I want my Christmas back!
Christmas was one of Our favorite time of year so I thought, I hate saying was,I don't want to say it was.
It's hard enough with all the thoughts and sadness in my head and heart getting through everyday. Especially this time of year. What makes it even harder is knowing her Birthday is Christmas Eve! I don't want it to take over, I don't want to even think about her at all! It just HAPPENS! !! I go there,I think about all our Christmases years and years of Christmases how many was he sharing with her how many was she in his thoughts?? I think everyone. How would you ever not, being her Birthday is on that day. How could that not be a thought that crosses his mind it doesn't stop crossing mine!!It hurts and just kills me so much they have ruined and stolen from me.
I can't stop it,I want to STOP IT, I TRY TO STOP IT, I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW, I HAVEN'T BEEN SUCCESSFUL AT FINDING HOW TO.
I want it back! ! I don't want to feel like this anymore they sucked the life the happiness out of my Christmas! !

skins21 posted 12/19/2017 13:22 PM

I want my Christmas back!
Christmas was one of Our favorite time of year so I thought, I hate saying was,I don't want to say it was.
It's hard enough with all the thoughts and sadness in my head and heart getting through everyday. Especially this time of year. What makes it even harder is knowing her Birthday is Christmas Eve! I don't want it to take over, I don't want to even think about her at all! It just HAPPENS! !! I go there,I think about all our Christmases years and years of Christmases how many was he sharing with her how many was she in his thoughts?? I think everyone. How would you ever not, being her Birthday is on that day. How could that not be a thought that crosses his mind it doesn't stop crossing mine!!It hurts and just kills me so much they have ruined and stolen from me.
I can't stop it,I want to STOP IT, I TRY TO STOP IT, I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW, I HAVEN'T BEEN SUCCESSFUL AT FINDING HOW TO.
I want it back! ! I don't want to feel like this anymore they sucked the life the happiness out of my Christmas! !

I completely get this too. There is a reason why this time of year suicides increase. I have no negative Xmas memories really but I've been super depressed for the past week and am completely skipping the holiday this year. I don't want to even see my own family. All I can think about is for the past 3 years we do a family xmas photo in front of the tree. It was my WW idea which sucks because she had this secret life the whole time. I feel like she played me so hard.

As far as advice.... do something fun, buy yourself something nice, go treat yourself to a massage or something relaxing. Right now I'm just going hard at work and self medicating at night. This is the worst time of the year to think about depressing shit. Next month is her Bday then valentines day and then our anniversary. It never gets easier you just get stronger.

[This message edited by skins21 at 1:23 PM, December 19th (Tuesday)]

northeasternarea posted 12/19/2017 15:31 PM

(((Deejay523))) Have you tried giving yourself a set amount of time to think about it, then forcing yourself to move on to something else. I wish I had something else to offer.

She's probably miserable if she wanted to continue.

[This message edited by northeasternarea at 3:32 PM, December 19th (Tuesday)]

Hopeful76 posted 12/19/2017 23:28 PM

Hello Everyone.

I have not posted here in awhile but wanted to check it.

Christmas last year was horrible. Not that my FWH was not doing anything he should not have been - just the opposite. It just sucked. Memories, pain, anger, triggers - you name it. Plus I had spent Thanksgiving in the hospital due to an injury. I just wanted it all to go away.

This Christmas is better. Not just better than last year but better than so very many of the Christmas Pasts. My new husband is SOBER. He was last year, but I did not trust it. I am really starting to. He is kind, loving, attentive, surprising. Invested in me and us. Everything he had quit being years ago.

Do I trust this completely. NO. But I want to try. Last year there were no good times for me. I was an absolute wreck. I was ready to leave daily. Angry with myself that I had not left.

I hate and will always hate that he became that person. The man who sank to such horrible lows of action and behavior. The man who took his anger out on me. Who betrayed me. Who thought the answer to the hole in his life and spirit could be found externally. Was never sober long enough to see that doing the same thing over and over for over 6 years and expecting different results is the greatest example of insanity. I have not seen that man in almost 16 months and he had already been fading away.

Everything is different about this Christmas including where we live and how we are celebrating.

I will never forgive what he did and if there was even a trace shadow of that man I would never forgive him. I am trying everyday to find it in my heart to forgive the new husband I have.

Will I ever get "over" this? Never, but I do hope to get through it to the other side of grief, hopelessness, overwhelming sadness and loss. I am working to live in the now. It is impossible some part of each day, but not all day like it was a year ago. All the pain is there, but it does not rule every thought as it had before.

I pray that this comparison continues. That next Christmas we are experiencing an even greater change for the better.

I wish all as much peace and hope as you can find. Merry Christmas

[This message edited by Hopeful76 at 10:03 AM, December 20th (Wednesday)]

Deejay523 posted 12/20/2017 11:57 AM

skins21

It never gets easier you just get stronger
.

This is sad but so True, Thank you ((()))

northeasternarea

(((Deejay523))) Have you tried giving yourself a set amount of time to think about it, then forcing yourself to move on to something else. I wish I had something else to offer.

NTE, I do this,unfortunately it consumes me at times. .

She's probably miserable if she wanted to continue.

She is just plain horrible and pure evil itself! She told me herself she always knew about me and didn't care ,she also laughed in my face and said she had him whenever she wanted because he wanted her and kindly said he would never be happy with just me that's just a small amount of what she has said so Fck her I pray for her slow and miserable death everyday! !

Sorry no Sympathy for the devil from me and that means both! !

amanda123 posted 12/23/2017 13:26 PM

I just want to wish everyone here on our forum, a Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year. Wishing everyone love and happiness and hoping that the New Year brings a fresh start for those still struggling.

steadychevy posted 12/25/2017 05:57 AM

Merry Christmas, all. May we all be able to find joy in this joyous season. John 3:16-17 says it all for me.

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