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Long Term Affairs Part 38

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Deejay523 posted 9/7/2017 09:56 AM

I'm assuming we moved?

northeasternarea posted 9/7/2017 10:27 AM

Oh steph, I'm so sorry. Is this new information, or something that you already knew? Stop searching, you already know who he is. Just concentrate on you, and what is best for your peace of mind.

Deejay523 posted 9/7/2017 10:37 AM

Can someone please tell me is this just the way it's to be ???

I don't know how to categorize what I am repeatedly experiencing with him in conversations we have especially this one that has happened to come up one to many times. ..
We use to work together (9 yrs ) years ago. ..
It was a very small business Antique reproduction furniture ,the owners decided without notice to end our medical insurance at the time one of the guys who was working with us was going through chemotherapy for throat cancer we all thought it was a cruel and incompassionite act but needless to say they followed through with it and had the audacity to say to him eat more blueberries yes yes they did. ..
Anyways my husband has at different times brought this incompassionite fact to light in certain conversations usually one's that has something to do with unfairness in the world and how we are all just numbers no compassion nobody cares anymore blah blah . .
Everytime this comes from his lips I want to run out of the room screaming at the top of my lungs after I bash him over the head with a 2x4 ,maybe I shouldn't but I one million % do compare/judge him like really what you have done to me so many times so many years are we talking about people being fucking totally heartless because you win the biggest prize/ Trophy for being that! !!
I want to say this to him so very badly because for him to engage in this conversation again and again tells me that he really doesn't get what he himself has accomplished in destroying the person I was like he really doesn't see that he has no room talking about anyone else who has been heartless, he doesn't see and hear what I do maybe this shouldn't be compared but the problem is that I automatically do does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this one? ??

needfriendshere posted 9/7/2017 11:07 AM

Deejay,
Yup, we moved. Our other thread filled up. Looks like we LTA survivors have a lot to say! It's our 38th thread on SI!

Hugs to you all, esp Steph today.

It's sad how the happiness factor of our lives goes up and down after an LTA. I read a post this morning in the General forum about what we would have done if our FWS's had told us they were thinking of cheating before they did because of how unhappy, unfulfilled, etc they were. And I remembered a horrible conversation H and I had in our bathroom in 2009. He told me our sex life was unsatisfying - that we were more like brother and sister than husband and wife. AND that he was taking a job with a lot of travel so that he wouldn't be home so much, just being frustrated. Man, did that shake me up. After that - beginning that day - we made love at least once a day. It was a weird form of HB. It was me trying desperately not to lose my H.

H did take the job with the extensive travel (taking him to OW's back door every week). And unbeknownst to me, he had already begun his 6-year LTA 10 months before that talk in the bathroom. So....what the heck?? Was he telling me what he did just to justify what he was already doing? So that if I found out, I'd "know why"?

There are just so many levels of f---upedness associated with all of this. And they wonder why we can't just get over it. Geez...

Deejay, I must add that your H suffers from selective blindness. He can see others' insensitivities but is blind to his own. I think a lot of our H's suffer from the same malady. Hang in there, my friend.

[This message edited by needfriendshere at 11:15 AM, September 7th (Thursday)]

UKgirl posted 9/7/2017 13:00 PM

Deejay, the way of it seems to be to put the affair(s) into a box. This box is unconnected with the rest of their lives, even if they are working with the AP or if the AP is a close friend of the family or a relative. The important thing is to keep it separate. And, needfriendshere, to test you to see if a) you may have an inkling of what they are doing (you don’t and they think you are pretty dumb to not know when they feel they have it tattooed across the forehead) and b) to place a marker down so they CAN say they said xyz if you should find out.

I think of several examples where I wanted to smack my fWH across the face or scream at him. The most glaring was when he said (says) how he doesn’t like liars (I don’t know anyone who does…. but that’s by-the-by) or that someone did the most despicable thing and cheated – usually with a reference to golf. He seems to think he can have an opinion about other people involved in affairs or marital break ups due to infidelity. As far as I am concerned, he can never sound sincere when it’s like listening to a reformed thief lamenting about local burglary rates. It’s almost as if he has forgotten and he truly thinks that since “this is now and that was then” he has a right to opine on other people’s behaviour when his own was far, far worse. They don’t want to spend the rest of their lives being the thoroughly disgusting individual that they were. And I can kind of understand that. But they should still learn to keep their mouths SHUT and just maybe nod in agreement. I have left the room on a number of occasions when I really couldn’t stand listening to him going on about how wrong something was – when he did it himself!

And yes, I think most of us who are survivors of a LTA can relate to the “test”. One Christmas, I got a “love letter” when I got back from a family Santa-run – taking parcels and presents and having a few days away with other family members (including his!!). A couple we were close friends with were splitting up due to the H’s adultery a couple of years before. He said there was something about them showing too much laughter and not enough happiness and that we shouldn’t make judgments….. He also said that he realised that he didn’t work as hard at the “us” bit and that I brought all the amazing qualities to our marriage. He had, in fact, fallen back in love with his ex-gf, and I just don’t understand WHY he would even want to write a love letter to me – unless it was because he thought that he might be pushing me away and didn’t want to lose me just yet, so he was pulling me closer. And then, of course, he would be in a good position to manipulate me. A few months later, he claimed I was “withdrawing” because the boys were emotionally draining me and there was nothing left for him (poor baby). I was pretty gob-smacked. He was justifying his affair to himself. Pushing me away so he had the perfect fucked-up excuse. A couple of years after that, he wrote a poem in a Christmas card with the line “and your reflection, my mistress, lurks in the same windows” talking about bistros and home. Again, probably laying something out in front of me to see if I would have a light bulb moment. I didn’t.

But this is all part of the distorted thinking. There is a good article called Understanding The Process of Self-Delusion. I can’t remember who actually wrote it, but it is around in various forms if you google it. It had parts that made sense to me when I looked back at Mr UKg’s behaviour during that time. I just wish I had known what was going on. He still claims that he was horribly depressed, but my retort to that is that fucking your ex-gf and behaving as if you are married to her seems like a pretty fun way to self-medicate. He has no answer to that.

And the message to all those on this forum (esp newbies) is Long Term Affair = Long Term Recovery. Look after YOU first.

Deejay523 posted 9/7/2017 13:01 PM

needfriendshere,

I agree it's sad,so very sad!! ((HUGS))

I remember so many different conversations inappropriate actions and confusing comments that were said and done from sexual down to how I wash my hair that were at the time odd and uncomfortable but in hine site now are very clear towards his double life. .

He once said to me do you realize how hard it is to be with just you WTF

Besides the fact of what he has done period it's what he said after discovering that still works on me ,
(You think your something you're no big deal)
(Yes she was my friend and we fucked )
(What do I have to do eat another pussy to get rid of you )
(Ya let's go to counseling so maybe one of us can grow the balls we need to finally end us)

So many more just writing them makes me think why the Hell am I here I must be out of my mind! !



needfriendshere posted 9/7/2017 13:53 PM

Deejay, oh my!!

I don't know which one of these would have pushed me over the edge first:

(You think your something you're no big deal)
(Yes she was my friend and we fucked )
(What do I have to do eat another pussy to get rid of you )
(Ya let's go to counseling so maybe one of us can grow the balls we need to finally end us)

Please tell me that these things were said long ago - while your H was still in his post-discovery fog.

Just after Dday - well, maybe for a couple of months after Dday - my H, who is truly being wonderful now - was a real shit. And I was so numb that I just took his crap. Examples:
1.) After begging me not to leave him on Dday, the next day he left for a fake business trip to bang his AP for 3 more days before telling her it was over between them.
2.) He told me the A was my fault because a.) I had cancer a few years before that and he was afraid I would die and he didn't want to be alone (I was totally healthy when he began his A); b.) It was my fault because I spent too much time being a mother to our boys and not enough time "smothering" him.
3.) Once when I laid into him a bit too hard for what he had done, he confessed that he considered smothering me with a pillow as OW put pressure on him to leave me, and
4.) For a while, NC to him meant telling OW that she reminded him of the AI in the movie "Her", and telling her how often he and I were making love!

Yes, as you can see, I am unable to forget these things and, yes, they still hurt. But H really is no longer that person. Or, if he is, he is hiding it very well. He has become the better man he said he wanted to be on Dday. I try to hold onto that and move on. But it's hard. It's hard when they did so many hurtful things for so long.

It all comes back to that New Normal. It's sucky, but we need to consider the alternative. I come back to this: would you be happier with H or without him? If you know in your heart (as I do) that I'd be much more unhappy without him, I am committed to making this work. It's not easy. Bad days abound. But someday, it has just got to get a whole lot better.

Hugs to you all!

Deejay523 posted 9/7/2017 14:33 PM

UKgirl,

Good to hear from you, ((hugs))

thing is to keep it separate.

Something I struggle with badly! !
It pisses me off that we the betrayed have to learn a new way to just be..I just think to myself that we missed the person who was meant to truly love us for some unforseen reason and no authentic true kind hearted person should ever have to change who they are because someone else's bad behavior bad choices fucked up issues


quote]They don’t want to spend the rest of their lives being the thoroughly disgusting individual that they were. And I can kind of understand that. But they should still learn to keep their mouths SHUT and just maybe nod in agreement

YESSSSSSS! !!

Thanks for the read (understanding the process of self delusion ) I'm always looking for something to read that helps to understand.

steadychevy posted 9/7/2017 14:58 PM

There's the old saying that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. I have to be careful about any rocks I toss, too. However the hypocrisy and irony really gets to me, too.

My WW came to me after being on a work overnight trip. It was at night and she came specifically to run this by me. The wife of the man who did the meeting with her in the far off town had just left him. She found out through his cell phone records that he'd had sex with another woman. My WW's question was what would I do if I found out she was cheating. I told her I would divorce her. The fellow had told my WW that it was just one time. My WW said to me "for just one time?". I said yes to which she replied that was pretty harsh and it was pretty harsh his wife had left him for just one time. WW and this COW she supervised were already cheating before his wife left.

She never came to me and told me she was very unhappy. That came after DDay. She decided in the 25th year of our marriage that she should have a FWB NSA COW fuckbuddy and a husband and marriage and dreams and ranch and retirement as planned. She wasn't going to give up what she had. How unhappy was she?

Deejay523 posted 9/7/2017 14:58 PM

needfriendshere,

Even though it was said during that time frame to me it doesn't matter what matters is he did what he did and said what he said and I will never forget

It's all a beyond imaginable deal breaker for me it's him begging for me not to give up but in the same sentence dragging his ass in prooving his worth to me. .
As a lot say on here everyones timing is different ,
I am sorry to say that I cannot answer as confidently as you as to if I would be happier with or without him I honestly can tell you that I am not there yet, just trying that's were I'm at sitting besides the fence now actually enjoying that cup of coffee watching the birds by the water it took me a long time to get here so I'm going to enjoy the moment for now after all its us and only us we can ever truly count on anymore ever so again as a lot say on here take care of you first that's what I'm doing! !
I've come a long way from how devastated I was and I'm becoming stronger than I ever was before I owe a lot to many of you on this site for allowing me to vent and giving me advice and opinions! !

(((((()))))))))) To you All! !


needfriendshere posted 9/7/2017 15:04 PM

UKgirl,
I somehow missed your post before. Lots of wisdom but (for me) frustration there:

The important thing is to keep it separate.

Yup, that's what they do during their A years. Compartmentalization, I believe it is called. It's supposed to keep them sane and keep the guilt from eating them alive. But then they go ahead and do something like this?:

And, needfriendshere, to test you to see if a) you may have an inkling of what they are doing (you don’t and they think you are pretty dumb to not know when they feel they have it tattooed across the forehead) and b) to place a marker down so they CAN say they said xyz if you should find out.

I think you're right, of course. But there is a real cold-hearted meanness in that type of behavior. It's more than self-preservation (what I believe the "keeping it separate" is all about). It's justification. To ever think that it is ok to cheat because we should have known they were doing it? Ick. That is ooey, gooey slime.

[This message edited by needfriendshere at 3:07 PM, September 7th (Thursday)]

marji posted 9/7/2017 15:14 PM

Deejay I too have no patience, no tolerance for my H's making moral judgments about any one's behavior, choice, etc. In fact I cannot tolerate his saying anything negative at all about anyone or even making a negative sound; it always used to bother me if he called another driver a jerk or complained about their bad driving; just couldn't stand his sounding superior, arrogant or just plane grouchy about someone else's way. So if it bothered me before there was, there is absolutely no way I could stand it now. Zero, sub-zero tolerance.

I have told him this. He knows it. It's a huge no-no in our "new" way of living. No room for any negative comment from him about anyone else's choice unless, unless it's to let me know he's read or heard something about infidelity and he's showing some understanding, some concern for the victim.

But Deejay you ask what you can do and of course we can't all do the same thing but have you made it perfectly clear to your H why you hate his moralizing, how hypocritical you find it, how bizarre you find his ability to disconnect from his own actions and their consequences, have you spelled it all out for him loud and clear? Have you made it one of your boundaries and established consequences? I know, easier said than done, and for sure it may not make a difference but is it worth a try?

donna3 posted 9/8/2017 08:36 AM

My H also has left it all behind and makes judgements. The other day we were talking about a couple (two men, married) who live next door and have invited another man to live with them. They are a proclaimed "thruple" My H says how weird to have three people in a relationship. I looked at him burst into tears and said that is exactly what you were doing during your affair. Except I was the only one in the dark about the thruple he created. Dumb ass.

northeasternarea posted 9/8/2017 14:44 PM

I get especially annoyed when he judges someone for lying.

amanda123 posted 9/8/2017 15:04 PM

Hi Everyone, Im still around, just reading most of the time not posting so much.

Hugs to everyone having a hard time, I hope that things start to improve.

I know its hard to forget what they did. Try to focus on what they are doing today, if you can. Its a hard road we have traveled hopefully we will get to our destination in the end.

marji posted 9/8/2017 20:31 PM

Hey Donna, Deejay. Can I add a new one? Thank you, This is of today--we go walking in a county park. H notices a woman and her two young children getting into a car that has a handicap tag in the window --he notices woman has no obvious handicap and comments on that--I say maybe it's her husband or another car driver in family that has the handicap; he say's well then she should take the tag off and not be using it for parking or whatever.

Well there were plenty of spaces this morning in the parking lot but even if there weren't and she was taking advantage of the tag I thought how ironic the self-righteousness behind his comment and I commented on that. Really? that you find reprehensible? Ten years of gross deceit, gross exploitation, ten years of just plain gross and this mother of two young children not taking the disability tag out of the window before they take a little stroll in the park and feed the ducks gets your moral fiber up????? Beyond weird.

sadsmileyface posted 9/9/2017 06:21 AM

Donna, what was your husbsnd'a response to him making you part of a "thruple". Was it at all eye opening for him?

I have to say, I agree with Amanda about concentrating on what our waywards are doing today to make us feel safe. I say that as I have been riding high at the top
of the roller coaster for several weeks now. And as we all know we can be at the bottom of that ride without warning.

I do know that my husband has really been working hard at helping me...us, recover from this devastation he has put us thru. When he notices that I am becoming quiet and introspective he reaches out to me to get me to talk. He makes sure I know where he is and when he will be home. We are back to being a married couple in love instead of two roommates living under the same roof.

Getting to this point in our healing was not dependent only on him. I had to do my part too.
By that I mean I had to come to the realization that we couldn't heal our marriage as long as I held on to the anger and bitteress I felt towards him. I also had to talk about my feelings. I had to let him know how much he devastated and hurt me. Once I began getting those thoughts out in the open the anger no longer continued to fester inside me and I was able to start feeling some forms of happiness again. Yes, some days I still have immense anger at him. The difference now is that I can let it go and not let it consume me.

Next week is the anniversary of our 2nd D-day so I'm anticipating a couple bad days, but I am not going to allow it to take over my life.

To Satine and the other newbies here, hang in there. You are in for a long,long road ahead. Remember that we all heal in our own way and in our own time. Keep reading here as there are many strong individuals who have been where you are today and will help you any way they can. Some of their advice you will find helpful and other things will seem hurtful. As it has been said here many times before, "take what you need and leave the rest".

Blessings to all that belong to this unfortunate club.


donna3 posted 9/9/2017 14:38 PM

Sad, what he said to me was, I am so very sorry. At this point I do know how sorry he is over his actions. Like you stated, it is necessary to do my part in our R and let things finally go. But sometimes certain things cut right to the quick. Hope you all have a good weekend

sadsmileyface posted 9/9/2017 17:11 PM

Donna you are so right about the hurt. Some days it can be so overwhelming to realize that the one person who is suppose to love you the most, is also the one who is responsible for ripping your heart out and crushing it.

We will get there, one day at a time...one step forward, three steps back.

Insearchofme posted 9/10/2017 12:34 PM

Hi ladies, I guess I'm having a "bottom of the roller coaster" period. Lately what has been pissing me off is church! Haha of all things! I swear God is messing with me! Seriously, every sermon lately has so do with guarding your heart against affairs and infidelity. Really!? I get so mad that, like today, I just have to leave my house and write or read. Just get away. Today Pastor said if you need to forgive, write a list of all of the things the person took from you. So here I am at Starbucks by myself trying to work thru my pissed off mood so I can go back home and "be healed"..ugh I'm in this R but man there are times I wish he had just left me for her. Almost like that would be easier than having to deal in this new reality of my life. I am much better than this time last year but I still struggle and that stinking pastor won't stop with the adulterous talks! Ugh! Happy F-ing Sunday people! Haha sorry, just had to get that out there..ok I feel better now!

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