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Long Term Affairs Part 38

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steph posted 10/31/2017 21:31 PM

Steady,

So sorry. Glad you have support and youíre sleeping better. Best to you on your journey.

northeasternarea posted 11/1/2017 11:25 AM

Steady, sharing the fact that you are taking care of yourself and feeling better is not a downer. Praying you find peace and happiness.

Deejay523 posted 11/1/2017 11:28 AM

Steady,
(((Prayers to you!!)))

donna3 posted 11/1/2017 11:46 AM

steady, I know that you have struggled with this since day 1. may you find the peace you need in your life. take care

Deejay523 posted 11/1/2017 12:35 PM

donna3
I'm happy for you both Great job,wishing you lots of luck and much peace in your lives!!!

[This message edited by Deejay523 at 12:38 PM, November 2nd (Thursday)]

BrokenheartedWif posted 11/1/2017 22:14 PM

Take care of yourself Steady

Deejay523 posted 11/2/2017 08:22 AM

[This message edited by Deejay523 at 12:39 PM, November 2nd (Thursday)]

Mickeymom posted 11/2/2017 15:57 PM

Yes steady itís good your taking care of yourself I too have witnessed your struggles over the time we have been here I hope you get the peace you are looking for. I know from who you are you are good person and deserve peace and happiness.
Donna so glad to see you moving into the better place everyone here deserves happiness and peac in their life

amanda123 posted 11/3/2017 13:26 PM

Steady, hugs I am sorry that it came to this. At least now you know which path you are going down. I think quite a few of us are sort of sitting in limbo moving ahead and then having set backs.

I hope the pain that you have been feeling for all this time, starts improving and so happy to hear that you are sleeping better.

Please keep us updated on how you are doing.

jen54 posted 11/3/2017 14:07 PM

Steady, Hugs, hugs, hugs....
May peace be with you.
No matter the circumstances, I have "me," so I've been working on a life that makes "me" happy. For what it's worth, I have come to a place of understanding and acceptance, probably will only last a bit, but I'll enjoy while I here.

hopefull77 posted 11/4/2017 06:14 AM

Steady I know you have struggled so and I know you will find the peace you are longing for...
Prayers and peace sent your way...

Deejay523 posted 11/6/2017 11:29 AM

(Copy)Just my Thoughts. ..
You know what strikes me hard to the core about the whole thing is. ..Is that I was under an illusion of what we had of what we were ...he delusioned me severely into thinking what we had, what we were was so very much real and cherished on his part and that we were very much on the same page of how special our relationship between us and the sacredness of everything about it, we had and shared as one through every minute through every year through every memory made not only between us but family and friends too..
What strikes me is how blindly I trusted and had so much faith in thinking he was the safest and most protective person in my life and what we shared would never be shared with anyone ever! that was never a thought. ..or that anything or anyone would or could ever be allowed to come between us! !
What strikes me is that I wasn't only naive and blind to anything he had done but I was also blind and naive about anything about affairs and what they were about, I never in a million years fathomed an affair to be anything of this making .
I thought an affair was total secrecy between two people sneaking around just for the thrill of the forbidden shit without anyone ever knowing wam bam thank you man kinda thing. .
What my husband did and her was anything but an affair it was a double life and I still am horrified by the whole thing, I am a person who needs understanding of how things work and I don't think if you drew me a map that I can ever understand this.
They hid only from me and my friends and family, no one else her and his friends and some of his family all knew, and as I said before she knew of me she knew who my family was she knew my son and held him when he was a baby she was in my homes she slept in my beds and that man I spoke of allowed it all! this man shared me without my knowledge to this man whore. this man that was supposed to keep us separate from anyone treated me like I meant nothing without my knowledge he allowed this woman to know all about me and share what was supposed to be only ours and I knew nothing about her ever ...
How does that happen for 11 to 12 years out of 31 and then I am supposed to believe again believe that we will be great together in a new and better way. ..
IDK I just don't know. ..but yet I'm still here and I'm still trying it's like he says we have something strong between us and he never wants to let that go he realizes he took me for granted. .....
I just don't know but here I am. .

I view this not only my world differently but this whole world differently and in my eyes it's this world that's lost its integrity it's morals it's principles prioritys ethics and on and on and on and everyone in it has lost faith true faith it's kinda like backwards to the caveman error or something of that sorts. .

northeasternarea posted 11/6/2017 12:31 PM

(((Deejay523))) I see you are having a bad day. All I can offer is my way through, which is to trust in God, not another person. My advice is to figure out what you really want. Will your life be better without him?

sadsmileyface posted 11/6/2017 12:57 PM

Hugs to Deejay and to all of us who may be struggling today.

I remember as a little girl being on the merry-go-round at the state park when a group of older kids came along and wouldn't let me off the ride. They just kept spinning faster, and faster, and faster. Sometimes that's how life is for me now...No one will let me off this ride.

Deejay523 posted 11/6/2017 15:50 PM

northeasternarea,


(((Deejay523))) I see you are having a bad day. All I can offer is my way through, which is to trust in God, not another person. My advice is to figure out what you really want. Will your life be better without him?

Great advice! !
It's the really figuring it out part,the really knowing what I want that's hard,as far as life being better without him, I will have to answer this way, until I feel no pain from this , I will have to say yes my well being would be better without him,
I think that for all of us! But I most likely like you,still have feelings for him,he is still a part of me that I don't want to let go, but another part of me is ready to drop kick him into the abyss if he even thinks of anything pertaining to what he has done.

Deejay523 posted 11/6/2017 15:56 PM

sadsmileyface,

Hugs to Deejay and to all of us who may be struggling today.
I remember as a little girl being on the merry-go-round at the state park when a group of older kids came along and wouldn't let me off the ride. They just kept spinning faster, and faster, and faster. Sometimes that's how life is for me now...No one will let me off this ride

Thanks, Good Analogy I can totally relate to this in different ways to like life in General sometimes

northeasternarea posted 11/7/2017 17:37 PM

Question for those who are menopausal or post menopausal. Have you had a significant decrease in desire for sex. Trying to figure out whether this lack of desire is normal, or truly affair related.

steph posted 11/8/2017 22:08 PM

Deejay,

So sorry for your struggle. Of course you were trusting and naive. Why wouldnít you be? Arenít we supposed to trust our spouse? Isnít he supposed to be the one we feel safe with?

Why would we even think of affairs or what was going on behind our backs? I was totally duped. My husband flat out told me that we had a great relationship and he took advantage of it. I guess I just had the illusion that our marriage was a special one.

You are not to blame in this.

Hugs.

UKgirl posted 11/9/2017 04:59 AM

NEA Ė Loss of sex drive is normal as we age and accelerates after menopause. I was lucky (still am, I guess) in that I went through mine pretty smoothly and havenít suffered much at all. My d-day was 11yrs ago and fWH and I have more or less reconciled. I found my desire lessened mostly due to physical changes and that had an effect upon my mental desire to engage in sex. I saw a gynaecologist who firstly checked me out (Iíd had post sex bleeding) and said it was due to age and gave me a prescription for an oestrogen based vaginal moisturiser, which worked much better than any of the over the counter stuff Ė the best having been Replens, the same sort of thing but without the oestrogen content.

At five years out, MOW was still plainly stalking and making herself known but not in a way that we could do anything about. I was pre-menopause then and things were pretty much as they had been with regard to frequency and such like. Desire and drive waxed and waned as it does in a marriage. But no ďsignificantĒ decrease.

Have you asked your doctor or a pharmacist about this? Might be better to see someone sooner rather than later since some prescriptions canít be started after menopause (although I canít remember what they are Ė I was too late, soÖ.)

Iíve been in a bad place since we sold our lovely family home over a year ago. We moved to another part of the country as fWH thought it would give us a fresh start. I reckon he thought we could get rid of MOW once and for all - she never really stopped stalking - but it just didnít work for me, so we moved back. Expensive mistake!! Anyhow, I am harbouring some resentment towards fWH as I feel he took advantage of our situation (DS#2 and DIL moved back to New Zealand and DS21 went off to uni, we lost the dog too, two friends were very ill and both have since died) and he pushed through to sell. Yes, the house was way too big, but I loved it and it held lots of memories of our family and I wasnít ready to move. So I donít feel inclined in the way I used to and itís hard to know if, like you, itís normal or aging or simply him!

Hi to the rest of the LTA Tribe. You lovely warm bunch of people!

ernestine posted 11/9/2017 08:11 AM

My father had a 30 year (at least) affair with his college sweetheart. My parents have been married (yes, they are still married) 57 years, although they havenít seen each other in 2 years.

He had numerous other affairs during the marriage, but obviously this was the big one. He still claims she is ďthe love of his lifeĒ and more important to him than his family. (She is also married, with 6 kids. Donít know if they know.) Now that he is sick Ė dying actually Ė she has disappeared.

They conducted this affair mostly long distance, with several meet-ups a year, plus daily communication, secret post office boxes, etc. He gave her lots of money -- we have no idea exactly how much. (I have seen multiple letters/emails from her crying poor. I believe he was largely used). Now that my parents are elderly and living in expensive senior facilities, this impacts their lives greatly.

My mother caught him dozens of times, in this and the other affairs, and every time chose to believe him when he swore heíd never do it again. I have huge issues with that, and with her. He is a Narcissist and an abuser. She and I were his primary victims. He never liked me (didnít want daughters, only sons), and she never protected me. In fact, she always took his side and told me I was wrong about him, even though she knew the truth. She, sadly, is a very fearful person with no self-esteem and couldnít face divorcing, even though she is smart and capable. (Of course he drilled it into her head that she would never survive without him.)

He is currently in hospice, and will pass any day. I havenít spoken to him in a few years. Iím okay with that. The last time we spoke, I told him that a relationship without trust isnít a relationship, and after a lifetime of him lying to me, the next time he was caught, I would be done for good. He of course swore I meant so much to him that he would never do that. And he was caught within weeks.

My parentsí relationship and my dadís infidelity have caused great damage to my brother and I. My motherís life was largely sad and awful, because she couldnít bring herself to break away. So many years lost.

I am a longtime lurker, first time poster. I come to this site, I guess, to try and understand my family. I know every situation is different, but my own experience makes me want to say to people dealing with this, please move on. Itíll be hard, but donít throw away your life like my mom did.

I hope this doesnít offend anybody.

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