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Long Term Affairs Part 38

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Mickeymom posted 10/10/2017 23:39 PM

jen54 that sounds absolutely amazing I think that it was one positive about the A if there is anything that can be positive is we finally start looking at us what is good for me and what is really gonna make me happy. In the beginning we are in shock donít know up from down but year 2-3 we start looking evaluating our life our wants. So your adventure sounds absolutely amazing. I am excited for you. I am constantly looking at my life and checking in on am I happy is this where I want to be. I no longer am willing to settle. I choose happiness.

Jesusismyanchor posted 10/11/2017 09:47 AM

I saw this referral on the other thread and didn't know about this. I am 9 months out from dday. My H ha a LTA of 2 years. I was absolutely devastated and traumatized. My youngest was only 7 months old when it started. It has tainted so much for so long that some days it feels unbearable. But, I am making it. My H has no plans to leave. OW was M too. It's just disgusting He went NC on Dday and changed jobs. He is working hard but it is still so painful. It was all sneaky and hidden
He was a complete and utter liar like so many cheaters. He did the whole nine yard If blame shifting, gaslightibg, treating me like he didn't like me at all etc.

. My H has intimacy issues so I don't think he really bonded with OW. He did tell her he loved her which shattered me. I don't think he actually meant it with some distance now. He didn't even have that to give to anyone at the time. He didn't love me, the kids or even the dog right during his A.

I think my H is dealing with a possible Persobalty disorder and FOO issues. Not excuses, just facts. We are in MC and IC. There is definitely something wrong with his lack of sharing emotions and not wanting to be vulnerable. He compartmentslizes to an extreme. He is working hard in this but it is a struggle. I hate how he can push it all away.

I have pulled out of depression and the PTSD is less and less. The anxiety is still hard. I didn't deal with any of this before. It's a whole new world for me.

amanda123 posted 10/11/2017 16:25 PM

Jesusismyanchor, Welcome. Yes your H sounds like the typical LTA cheater. It is hurtful for us to be treated in the manner you spoke of unfortunately we have all experienced it, its like it is out of that cheaters handbook. Its no wonder we carry anger and hurt around for a long time. My H has problems expression his emotions to me, yet had none of that with OW.

jen54 I have thought of the great escape myself, but unfortunately it is only a thought and I definitely agree with you and Mickey that its a good thing we get to a certain stage and we start looking at ourselves and doing things for us.

The other day I decided to do a small activity with H since we were both home. My H very rarely will engage or participate in anything I suggest of that manner. He told me he didnt want me psycho analyzing him. It was a simple - 3 things I like about you and 3 things I dont. He asked me why I wanted to do this, and I told him that it was good to get things out and work on stuff that maybe neither one of us knew annoyed the other and it could improve our relationship. I thought if nothing else at least he will know what bothers me.

My answers were well thought out of course because I had planned to do this the day before, so maybe I should have given him some time to think about it. He told me the 3 things he liked about me and his one and only answer he gave to me for a dislike was that I didnt close drawers properly and I didnt put lids on things properly, yes he is a neat freak and I can understand that would annoy him but really is that it? I told him there must be other things that you dont like me saying or doing and he said he couldnt think of anything. Sigh.....

Continually trying to work on and improve the relationship.

Mickeymom posted 10/12/2017 21:35 PM

Jesusismyanchor: welcome to the group glad you found it. Sometimes it can get quite here many of us now are 2-4 years from DD and healing. This group is great. I think the reason this group is great is because I think I read someone on the other thread who said a LTA would be a dealbreaker. I think no one knows what their dealbreakers are till they are faced with them. I would have said forsure a 4 LTA with I love uís and all the other bullshit would have been a dealbreaker for me but here I am 3 years since DD working hard with s BS is working hard and I am pretty much happy I have changed in some ways for the better and some not, but I have survived this nightmare. I think you will find what you need here people that understand the madness of an LTA and support you along this journey. I am so so sorry you have had to have this experience but you are not alone. Peace to all

[This message edited by Mickeymom at 9:35 PM, October 12th (Thursday)]

Deejay523 posted 10/13/2017 11:42 AM

Could really use some good advice on reminders/triggers (places,people,things ) which I am literally surrounded by from my husbands double life of 10yrs in the beginning of our lives of now 31 years and the last 1 in 2013 with the same woman,
I try to avoid everything but it's impossible, I try when I am near one to ignore which is a struggle sometimes I do well and sometimes I fall apart, Most of the time now my husband notices and helps me through and always tries to avoid them we are working through this much more since December our communication and his actions are over the moon positive at times we most definitely bump heads at times by either saying or doing the wrong things or just not knowing how to handle or deal with a situation. .
I have just recently started going out more on my own that's how badly I have been avoiding having to bump into anything and what happens I see her not once but twice in a weeks time, today she fkn crossed in front of my car I actually thought of flooring it...and no she didn't notice me...just looking at her makes my skin crawl she's a hideous discusting dirty slut I had to say that. .
Anyway it is not just her that I am talking about its everything else as I said places and such. ..she just happened to pop into this again. .on my vacation of course...
I want to know how I can be more positive, I want to enjoy the now with my husband as he so wants to enjoy too. .

My question is,
Is this something I am supposed to overcome and if so How?
How do or did any of you overcome reminders and triggers?


Mickeymom posted 10/14/2017 01:34 AM

Deejay: thatís the million dollar question. I think almost just seeing triggers over and over can desensitize you to it. However having to keep running into her might be a hard one is your town really small? The OW lives my town but I have never ran into her that would be so hard. Itís good your starting to live your life I just personally try to focus on now and try to not let my mind wonder to much and it helps most when I am with WS when weíre apart I think my mind wonders more. Sorry I have no great advice. I just keep pushing forward saying this bitch stole enough from me she doesnít get anything else and me being happy is the best revenge that bitch wishes was me, but she ainít got nothing on me. Thatís at least what I tell myself. Peace all

hopefull77 posted 10/14/2017 08:22 AM

Welcome jesusismyanchor...the thing about LTA is there is no affair season..
my H had a 2 + year LTA it will be 5 years in a few weeks since dday...I've been thinking of that "2-5 year " mark that I clung too when I first found this site...I would say that we are doing well...my H definitely did the hard work
and we are on the road to recovery...but there are still some pot holes on the road ...mostly triggers...our son is getting married in a week ...this has been a very conflicting time for me b/c our daughter got married 5 weeks before dday... looking back knowing what I know now he was there and very Father of the bride...but he never once mentioned me in his toast and I was so used to his indifference that I didn't really notice...my daughter and I had the time of our lives that summer with all the hoopla and I am so happy for those times ...having a son get married is a totally different game! Throw the rehersal dinner and show up the next day! I am excited and we love our future DIL..I know its today and NOT 5 years ago...but there is a sadness that just sits in my heart...I really don't giveOW much thought ...it really is my H that I look at sometimes and think REALLY....REALLY???
Peace everyone...I will check in after the wedding...a week after the wedding we have the Baptism of our first grandchild ...this will be a lovely day celebrating this much anticipated precious boy...

Ann5 posted 10/14/2017 09:15 AM

Hi there. I have been posting in reconciliation, but I think this is a good place for me too. My WH had a LTA with coworker...5 years. We have been working towards R for just over a year. Things are going very well overall, but I still struggle with feelings of pain and anger everyday. I made a list of how I have changed from this experience (I love to write!) and I just want to share it somewhere where I think others can relate. Sorry for the length, and thanks for giving me a place to share.

Ways I am worse:
I struggle with anxiety and depression. It's a battle.
I struggle with self esteem.
I hate taking anti anxiety meds, but need them right now.
I hate how our separation a year ago hurt our kids.
I don't trust people.
I feel jealous of other marriages.
I have tons of anger towards OW (she befriended me during A)
I regret times during the A that I suspected and didn't really push for truth.
I sometimes hate myself for staying.
I push people away, love being alone.
I don't always take good care of myself.
Scars from A will always be there.
I hate painful memories that consume me...big time waster.
Sometimes I have trouble focusing on things...like reading.
I have apathetic feelings sometimes...don't care about things I used to.
I think about revenge.

Ways I am better:
My M is stronger than ever. (Weird but true)
My H is amazing now.
We are closer and spend more time together.
Sex is amazing.
I know I am amazing and WS is lucky to have me.
I am calmer at times....don't fret about housework or my job.
My H and I have had tons of fun times together and with friends.
I am closer to friends and family who helped me.
I am finally dealing with the anxiety that I've struggled with my whole life.
I've done lots of work on mindfulness.
I love yoga.
I'm more open and honest with loved ones.
I speak up for myself, telling H and others what I need.
I'm closer with my kids.
Despite our M troubles, I've realized we did an awesome job with our kids, they are smart, funny, kind, loving.
I will always look out for myself, and if M doesn't work, I'll be ok.
I'm truly happier and more content with the way my life is right now. I try hard to live in the moment.

I'm posting this because I look at this list and wonder how I can feel so bad and so good at the same time! I feel like two different people. Anyone else feel this way? So frustrating.

Mickeymom posted 10/14/2017 12:05 PM

Ann: I could have written that word for word especially close to year 1 I just passed year 3 since DD and what better now from how I have changed is I am getting back to me wanting to see friends again go out more my anxiety has decreased I am a better version of me now I think.
But I get it at times I feel bipolar with the ups and downs so I know exactly excatly what you are talking about.
Does your H still work with OW?
Mine also was a coworker but due his job it always changes so he has not worked with her again but I have constant stress because everytime he changes projects she could be there. Thatís why I think I am having a hard time letting go of her and still think of revenge and hatred not like before but itís been really strong this week itís my 3 year since DD.


Hopeful: I am so excited for you sons weddkng and grandchild you have wonderful blessing coming your way. Sad that it has some tainting but this weddkng will be full of all happy memories. Funny how before we would not even notice say the speech now itís different we are definitely more in the moment taking nothing for granted maybe thatís a good thing right. Congrats peace all

Deejay523 posted 10/16/2017 10:54 AM

Mickeymom,

However having to keep running into her might be a hard one is your town really small?

Yes,we do live in a small town on the border of another state which is a small town also where she moved right after less than a mile from our home. ..only now running into her is hard ,whatís still mostly hard is all the surroundings now knowing all he's confessed to.knowing I drove and went all around these places while they both were all over them .... Now I cringe, my heart sinks,everytime I go by any of these places including his mother's house... it's him that created all this with her and they left memories everywhere. ..It is I that wanted to know everything and it is the knowing everything that is haunting and hard ..
This has changed me so much I use to be a very sentimental person I would save the most silliest things like a pebble to remember a great day, I use to cherish everything we did our memories with us and family.. so very much,I was always a sensitive but Happy person. .. and to think about he knew that was who I was to know he was doing what he was all around me hiding right in front of me with the notion of never getting caught the no big deal attitude he had and pretend nothings wrong come home and hold me kiss me and make love to me sorry for that. .I have destroyed mostly all of our memories of any of our past I am no longer sentimental and never will be again what's the point is my attitude now. .live for today only. .

But yes it's hard being anywhere near her and here ...my own home I have torn apart got rid of everything and repainted and replaced every room I got rid of both cars just everything a week after because she was in my home I moved into our sons room when he moved out 2 years ago we redone our room but I haven't been able to move back in yet, he claims still that he never slept with her in our house that she only came for lunch ,she said they made love in our bed ,she has also been proven to be a huge lier, but then again what was my husband, he is trying to prove himself to me and has confessed beyond hurtful shit to me but I just don't know about that. ..
I just want to know if I should just continue avoiding all these places as best as I can or should I be going by them and learn how to conquer them somehow Do I go into some sort of pretend mode to be able to conquer them because no matter what I do it comes and it hurts. .
Our plan is to move in a few years and I'm hoping that being somewhere new and untouched by them will help. .but for now I have to learn to deal with this now that I am beginning to go out more. .

[This message edited by Deejay523 at 12:51 PM, October 16th (Monday)]

BrokenheartedWif posted 10/16/2017 19:31 PM

(((Deejay523)))

Wish I knew what would help with those things. Mine did use my bed, since she wanted to be fucked in it and to have my life

That room has been completely redone, but we don't sleep in there.

Their selfishness and stupidity changes so much in our lives.

You have been heard.

Deejay523 posted 10/17/2017 12:40 PM

BrokenheartedWif,
Thanks,this shit storm is so twisted for us all !!

I don't want to sound immature but if I had one wish for all of us right now it would be for us all too wake up from this fkn nightmare and be in a good place for the rest of our lives surrounded by good people and good things and to never be harmed in this way or any way even remotely like it!!

Love and peace to you all!!

northeasternarea posted 10/17/2017 16:53 PM

Deejay, I'm sorry that you are faced with reminders everywhere.

2gether4ever posted 10/18/2017 02:42 AM

Hello all. I haven't posted in a long time but I have been reading and checking SI every once in a while.
So sorry to hear of many that are hurting and struggling with LTA experiences!
Have any of you had any PTSD/PISD issues? I've had some triggers that have caused blackouts and I can't remember what I've said or done!
Just last weekend for instance, it was my birthday and our 24th engagement anniversary...we went on a cruise to celebrate...yes we had a few drinks but not drunk...
At some point I (according to my H) just left and said I'm never coming back...went for a smoke and came back like nothing happened...I don't remember anything from what we talked about from then until I came back.
I remember everything from the beginning but just that 15-30 mins in between I have no clue what happened?
I don't remember what was said, what I felt, what even happened?
According to my H, everything was fine until all of a sudden I changed, wasn't myself, left and came back like my normal self!
Have any of you been through this kind of a "blackout" and if yes, what is it?
This was a very frightening experience for me, not the first since dday, but I don't know what to do...I may need help, but what kind of help? I work full time, exercise, eat healthy and pretty much spend most of my free time at home...
Anyone have advice or experiencing something similar?

northeasternarea posted 10/18/2017 11:29 AM

2gether4ever, I don't have any answers for you, nothing like that has ever happened to me. Just wanted you to know that you've been heard.

[This message edited by northeasternarea at 1:58 PM, October 18th (Wednesday)]

amanda123 posted 10/18/2017 14:22 PM

2gether4ever Hi, It doesnt sound right, please go and have a check up with your doctor.

I hear you when you say your pretty healthy but you still smoke (not criticizing I use to smoke myself), that in itself can cause health issues as we all know its a risk factor.

2gether4ever posted 10/18/2017 17:33 PM

I accidentally left out the fact that these blackouts happen when I get triggered from something that reminds me of his A's or anything that even closely triggers the same emotions of the extreme anger I had back then and possibly still do...
I know I need to see a specialist but isn't there anyone who has experienced these kinds of blackouts during an argument or when you're upset or reminded of the infidelity?
It just hurts me when this happens because I don't remember anything I say or do. I feel like it's really hurting our relationship and I don't even know if anything or anyone can help me...

Mickeymom posted 10/18/2017 20:10 PM

2gether: no nothing like that I do remember once around 18 I saw my then boyfriend walking with a girl I had blind rage I took after them and donít remember getting over to them till I was ready to tear her head off. Thatís the only thing similar I didnít have that with H LTA I have a feeling had I seen OW I could see myself going into a blind rage thatís why I never confronted her in person because I was scared what would happen with blind rage your Experience seems different and definitely think you should see someone one and get a professional opinion.

Deejay: my house has been ruined by OW I have changed my room around her stinch still exsists, and I do want to move but darn it this is my house and it makes me sick that I have to give up what I like but if the day comes I find something better I will go on my terms, she gets nothing so I guess my thoughts are keep facing those places for me it has become less painful there are days donít get me wrong but most days I am winning.I just try to remind myself I control me she gets nothing and WS doesnít get to control my destiny my happiness I do I did nothing wrong I have lived right and done right. So thatís how I look at t today but thatís 3 Yearís since DD. Ask me even a year ago and it would a different story. Peace and happiness to all

Sideways88 posted 10/19/2017 08:52 AM

Wow - just reading these posts has helped me to know I am not totally freaking crazy. My WH had an A with OW for 18 months. It has been 73 days since DDay, I have good moments and bad moments. We have already traded in the car he let her drive and they had sex in. I donít think she was in the house because we live in a very small town and our front door is right in the middle of town, but they did use the hotel 3 miles away and I drive by it every day. I have found emails he wrote to her and they cut so deeply it is so hard to breathe sometimes. We are both seeing MC and IC and it is helping. We are working towards R - even after all of this I canít see myself without him in my life. Through counseling he has identified his self truths and is actually trying really hard to help me heal. Even when I go ballistic he sits there, takes it and then tells me how much he regrets everything and how sorry he is. He reads all the books our MC suggests and we discuss and work on them together. But, with all that I still get so angry.

That being said I can relate to what Deejay523 is asking - I too want to move forward, my WS is working very hard to help me with healing but this is so new to me I swear I feel like Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde. And thank you Mickeymom (my son is Mickey - so great name) - I really do understand there is no silver bullet but in he same breath I want one so badly! I just want the f...ing movies and merry-go-round in my head to stop! The triggers are so small sometimes, yet they pack a huge punch. He took her on three trips to places I know we will have to go also because of specialized medical treatments - I dread this. I want to get my feet back under me so I can stand strong - not there yet, at least not every day. I do see a lot of strength in many of the posts and it gives me hope & courage - thank you all for sharing.

BrokenheartedWif posted 10/19/2017 12:07 PM

((sideways88)) That dreaded word time, self-care, working on you own healing from this mess that has been thrust upon you.

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