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Long Term Affairs Part 38

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Mickeymom posted 10/1/2017 15:30 PM

Hopeful: I think your right where you need to be at this moment in time. Your still in protection mode and safety at this time is what you need your still in survival mode. At almost 3 years out from DD. I can tell you as long as WS continues to be this new version of himself your emotions will calm down you will start feeling safe again with him and walls will start come down. There will always be this scare and we won't forget it completely because we now have a different view of life we have seen something so bitterly painful, but trust you are healing and your perfect right where you are today. Peace all....

marji posted 10/1/2017 15:38 PM

Hopeful76 You have every right to feel safe--in fact it seems that that is the only way you should be feeling and that if distancing yourself yet still engaging is the way to feel safe than that is what is best.

You say you hate feeling that way--I took that to mean you hate feeing you have to distance yourself but that is what betrayal does--

I feel much the same way and it's two years later. I feel I've made progress. Im ok if he wants to hold hands when we walk. I can take his kiss and hugs. I could not do that two years ago. Your SI starting date is April 2017 so Im thinking you are only a few months out.

But the trauma from learning of a husband's LTA take a long time and much work. You say your H is loving and attentive. That's great. And if that is so he can continue to show his love by letting you know his gratitude for your willingness to try to stay with the M and that he's utterly appreciative of your daily presence in his life albeit you're keeping a distance for safety.

donna3 posted 10/1/2017 17:59 PM

hopeful, at 15 months it is still all so very new: disbelief, no real trust yet, no self esteem, and still so very painful. It wasn't till 18 months out that I began to have a few moments of "normal" and it took well into the end of the 2nd year for me not to cry daily. Now, at almost 4 years and a lot of work from my H to make me feel safe again, I still think about it daily but it rarely brings me to my knees On bad days I shed a few moments of tears and then I bring myself back to the present. My H tells me often how much he appreciates the second chance I have given him and thanks me often for the opportunity to show me that he is now a better man. I am almost to the point where I can say thank you for trying so hard to keep me. Before I was silent because I knew I deserved his work after all I went thru. I still don't have a good reign on my emotions and when things are not working well in other aspects of my life I tend to fall back on self esteem issues and don't deal well. All in all, my life is good and I enjoy my H again. Time, time and more time. In the 2-5 year healing plan, I think I will hit 4+. I am almost there but I think I still can't tell my story without crying. Maybe someday. Take care and remember you are early on. Maybe even too early to decide how you want to handle the rest of your married life. Still one day at a time for you at this point.

Hopeful76 posted 10/2/2017 13:03 PM

Thank you all for your support. Lately my emotions and desire for my husband have gone very flat. Probably all part of keeping my emotions and pain in check.

Just trying to take things one day at a time.

sadsmileyface posted 10/2/2017 13:28 PM

Hopeful, I feel exactly the same way about my husband...flat. Two months ago I felt such an abundance of love for him and now just kinda blah.

I just want to get off this emotional roller coaster I am on, but the ride keeps right on a goin'.

Hang in there.

Deejay523 posted 10/2/2017 18:29 PM

donna3,
I haven't just learned to live with this,Trying is what I am doing as hard as I can, he is trying also,
But I am in the waiting game ,waiting for him to be a boss I need him to be,he is telling me that he is in 100% but because of the way he has tried protecting me from some truths prevents me from believing he is in 100% or that he understands what being in 100% truly means (nothing to hide ,holding anything back )

I will say he is working on giving me what I need, and I hope he succeeds. .

Deejay523 posted 10/2/2017 18:30 PM

(((Hopeful76)))

hopefull77 posted 10/2/2017 20:46 PM

(((HOPEFUL76)))
One day at a time....man I hate that advice...but it truly is...

steph posted 10/3/2017 21:23 PM

Deejay and everyone else, keep posting. Sometimes it feels a little slow here but I'm reading. I might not be writing because I'm reading something days after it's posted or I. Don't think I'll be of help but nobody understands LTAs like those of us who've lived them. Mine has been a twelve year journey. And yes, I'm working to give myself the happiness I deserve. I might not write, but I'm reading.

northeasternarea posted 10/4/2017 08:39 AM

Steph, glad you checked in. I was wondering how you are doing.

[This message edited by northeasternarea at 9:30 AM, October 5th (Thursday)]

Hopeful76 posted 10/4/2017 10:37 AM

Good Morning Everyone. Yes, today is actually a good morning. Last night was one of those break through times for my H. He had slipped up and started telling me about a co-worker that had met his wife on a dating site. It did not occur to him the nerve that would strike with me since his affair started as a result of an online chat room connection.

I lost it. I was driving us back from dinner, pulled up beside our very long driveway and demanded he get out. He tried to talk to me but at that moment I needed to get away from him. I drove away not thinking about the fact that I had not taken my cell phone. My H thought I had it with me.

He called, texted, called and texted some more. Of course to no response. I had driven just the the store to walk around and cool off. He panicked. He was not sure I had not left for good. When I came back he was walking up and down our road and had been crying.

He asked if he could talk to me. I nodded and started listening. There was no defensiveness, no justifications, nothing but accepting the pure weight and loss. He held and accepted it all. He talked about how he now realizes how he had pushed me away long before the affair ever started. The realizations that washed over his face as he talked brought me to silent tears that just ran down my face. His voice held so much pain, not for himself but for me and what he had taken from me and us.

He asked for nothing except the chance to let me see how much he loves me. He said he knows how much he squandered and it was for nothing. He said he does not want to waste one more second where he does not let me know how much he loves me. He begged me to let him show it to me every day.

There was more. Specifics on how he now understood what the hole was. Why he was miserable. He needed me and he had pushed me out of his life. Nothing he sought to make himself feel better lasted. The affair, the drinking - none of it. He knew he felt better, happier, more hopeful now. Last night it clicked why and how close he was to losing it all.

So today I am happy. I will let tomorrow take care of itself. It is ok to be happy today and be hopeful.

I just wanted to share.

Thank you all for being there.

donna3 posted 10/6/2017 08:10 AM

hopeful, in all the pain we endure, having a good day is a wonderful thing. It is true for these WS - once they truly realize what they could lose, they can become truly remorseful. why they never think about this in their la la fantasy is beyond me. mine always said he just assumed he would never be caught. Who knows how their brains are working during this time. forgetting your phone and having him panic might have been the best thing that could happen. more than once I wish I would have ghosted myself, even for just one day to have my H panic and really understand that me leaving was a real possibility.

I know I am a day late, but I hope you had a peaceful day. Fall is my favorite so I hope you were able to get out and enjoy. Today is a new day and I wish for you another good day. Enjoy the top of the roller coaster as long as you can. take care

edits to add: hopeful check your PM

[This message edited by donna3 at 10:17 AM, October 6th (Friday)]

hopefull77 posted 10/7/2017 08:51 AM

(((Hopeful76)))
I understand that "flight" response...I have on many times just looked at my H and said I gotta go take a walk...sit in my car ....something ...anything to be anywhere with a quiet peaceful brain...
it does feel hopeful when the light bulb clicks on!
I am happy that you both were able to talk AND listen to each other...
it's been a sad week ...2 co workers lost their fathers and my son lost a friend to suicide and I personally know people who were at that concert in Vegas...it puts things in perspective...
peace everyone...find a little joy today and smile

[This message edited by hopefull77 at 8:58 AM, October 7th (Saturday)]

steph posted 10/7/2017 11:31 AM

Last weekend my husband was in a terrible accident. The only part of his car that wasn't demolished was the driver's seat. His seat belt held him in and four air bags surrounded him and saved his life. The officer was baffled that he survived. Any passengers would not have.

He was so lucky that his injuries were just a broken clavical, sternum and some ribs along with some internal concerns which were found to be ok. He's not even taking medication. At minimum he should be in ICU with life threatening injuries but he is home.

He was taken to the hospital. In the hospital the officer told him that he had found his phone. We both knew this was yet another secret phone to contact honey bunny. He immediately went into more physical distress. I asked for the phone and he put it under his body and wouldn't give it to me. I am a class act, I let it go and told the nurse privately WHY he was in more distress.

He was transferred to a trauma center and when my daughter and I got there, the phone was gone. I know it was, there was no place for him to hide it. He later told me he got rid of it.
The next morning he was released.

Our adult kids stepped up. One daughter met me, our son drove six hours through the night and our out of state daughter was ready to fly in the next morning but her siblings and I told her not to. They were all communicating with each other and making sure mom was ok.

When he came home I gave him no breaks. I told him we both knew he'd be buying a new phone so just use his regular phone. I told him to call her and tell her he'll still be taking care of her and paying her bills. I also told him his life was about to change. Had this been two years ago or maybe even last year, I would have been holding him, hugging him, kissing him and telling him how thankful I was that he is here. I didn't do that. He was getting care from me but not the loving he's had for years. I wasn't holding back or playing games, it was where I was at after years of crap and then watching him defend that phone when he could have died. -which I said to him.

The night of the accident I was planning divorce. I was also deciding how and when I was going to tell our kids about his affairs.

Two days after the accident he texted me that Karma had caught up with him. Oh, yes, he got hit hard with that Karma bus. He's not a believer in God, so I'll take whatever he wants to call it.

He contacted her in an email and told her to leave him alone, never contact him and he is done. He told me her boyfriend beats her and she's homeless but it's up to her to make the changes she needs in her life. Yup, sorry, I don't care, she is not my responsibility.

He told me he has been an asshole to me and to our kids, in his words, "who don't have any idea of what I've been doing." He said his behavior was ridiculous and there's no excuse. He needs to stop. He was regretful and remorseful. He had done this on his own, brought it up on his own, I'd been waiting for this for years.

He called his IC and made an appointment for this week and told him they have a lot to talk about.

This accident has shook him up. He wants to stop and wants this marriage. He has a shitload of work to do and I've told him so. I told him he promised to love and cherish me and he has not, he has disrespected me. I don't deserve that and I will not tolerate it. It's in his court. We'll see how it progresses.

Lorisa posted 10/7/2017 17:47 PM

I feel like all of the stories are the same. It makes me feel like my husband is telling me the same old apologies that every other BS is hearing. Is this all BS? I believed most of his apologies but now I question them after reading all of the others. They all seem to be the same regrets. Not sure what to think

amanda123 posted 10/7/2017 20:15 PM

Steph, So happy to hear your H is relatively OK. I cried reading your post, sometimes it takes something awful or devastating to happen before people actually wake up. I hope its not too late for you to reconsider a true R with him.

Hugs to you all.

Mickeymom posted 10/8/2017 22:53 PM

Steph sorry to hear about your H. I am glad you are finding your strength.
Lorisa: yes many of our stories have many similarities as if there is some cheaters playbook very strange, but each couple has its individual differences. And itís up to us BS to change our story we deserve better then continued lies and unremorseful WS, we have the power we give the gift of reconciliation but if WS continue to lie itís up to us to change the cycle I strongly believe we hold the power to our future and we will heal with or without our WS. Peace all

donna3 posted 10/9/2017 08:00 AM

Lorisa, same regrets because they basically all did the same thing. They betrayed us, they betrayed their marriage, they betrayed their families and all because of their own selfishness. And when they are caught they come out of the affair fog and realizes what they have done. Back to reality for all of them. Some don't care, some pick the AP, some realize what they have to lose. Some play the remorseful game and some truly, deeply are appalled at what they had become during the affair and will work very hard to become a better significant other, parent, person.

So much of what I have read over the last three years is the same story, different person. LTA? Especially hard to get over (thru is a better term I think). How could they for so long??? They got into a pattern that worked for them and it was just ok in their minds to just keep going on with it. Had they wanted to leave us they would have done so within a year or two. No, they had the best of both worlds in their minds and they haven't gotten caught yet so just keep on going. Hey, they deserved this life! ( in their minds)

So there really isn't anything new for your husband to say. But only you can tell the sincerity and the remorsefulness. Listen to your own heart and brain. I am sure he did not go online to the website called " What to say to your wife after you get caught". Some of his words have to be what he is feeling. but when he says I am sorry, ask for what. Get specifics. then you can tell if his words are coming from HIM.

So very sorry you are here. But post as you need cuz we all know where you are coming from

jen54 posted 10/9/2017 15:23 PM

Itís been awhile since Iíve posted. I occasionally stop by and read, catch up.
Sorry to read so many people trying to find their way out of this gut wrenching event, but we do survive.
It was 2 years in April, so Iím in a better state of mind than I was even at the beginning of this year. Itís been busy, we are moving and trying to settle into a semi-retired lifestyle. Lots of busy work, not much self-reflection. This morning, I stopped and thought, ďso this is it?Ē Husband is complying, no contact with OW not any OW stalking incidents. All is what I wanted, or is it? I think I am just now learning to ask myself what it is I want out of life for myself, not the marriage or family, for me.
Been thinking about a spirit quest trip, getting in the car and heading out for several days, maybe visit a friend, go to a few cities my family has never wanted to visit, but I do. Am I being dramatic? Anyone else feel something like, or similar to these wonderings?

northeasternarea posted 10/9/2017 23:32 PM

Steph, Iím glad your husband is relatively ok. Please keep yourself and what is best for you in the forefront.

[This message edited by northeasternarea at 12:59 PM, October 11th (Wednesday)]

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