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Spouses with Same Gender APs

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BallofPain posted 9/14/2016 19:04 PM

Oh LMM, I definitely feel what you feel when you watch all your friends enter into new relationships. I'm the only one amongst my friends who is still single. I'm honestly a little lost in that regard. I basically keep telling myself that I am waiting for a man that suits me. A relationship that suits me. I look at my friends' relationships and none of them are good for me. Think about you, think about what you needs, what terms suit you and eventually, it'll come along. If not, enjoy the discovery. Enjoy that freedom of doing whatever you want whenever you want.

I'm glad to hear the 2 year antiversary is a lot better than the first one. I was so scared that the next one would be worse than this one!


HITR, what you're feeling doesn't make me think you're a lunatic. Your responses and feelings are natural for the hell we've been through. You've explained your feelings and why you're feeling them. They are so justified. In fact, I think you are very amazing to be able to put it into words. I was certainly not able to! I'm still unable to! I hope you find your answers soon.

shoalsurvivor posted 9/20/2016 03:02 AM

(LLM) You are a wonderful person who has helped many on here with your wise words and experience. You are doing great. Do you still meditate?
(HITR) I feel every emotion you felt writing down your feelings...you are amazingly strong....we all have to be to survive the horror of not only infidelity but same sex affairs :-(
(BOP) - Hope you are doing ok my SI sister.
My WH has been v.controlling recently....my friend says its emotional abuse but I know he loves me and would never hurt me.
Big hugs to everyone today

BallofPain posted 9/24/2016 03:03 AM

ShoalSurvivor, I'm doing ok but I had a pretty rough month. Work has been incredibly stressful and exhausting. My nerves feel frayed. I'm having problems controlling some triggers with the exhaustion and frayed nerves. I'm watching a show and there was a course of episodes featuring an affair and I just found myself shaking and having to stop. At work, I was just so exhausted and just secluded myself as much as I can.

I had to cut another friend out of my life. She goes on and on and boasts about how her life is oh so perfect and how she has the absolutely perfect relationship. Then goes on to say her life is oh so hard. For the love of lord woman, you've never been cheated on before. Your job (we're in the same occupation, only she's in routine practice and I'm in emergency) isn't nearly as trying as mine. It's just, I'm so tired of this.

My homophobia has gotten way better. Though, I am still sensitive. The word "Gay" sticks out like a sore thumb. Any mention, any implication, seems to stand out. I don't know how to work through that. And now, any extensive conversation about that results in me starting to trigger but catching it in time before it gets bad.

I hope you're doing well, Shoal. How are you?

[This message edited by BallofPain at 3:03 AM, September 24th (Saturday)]

Lovingmyselfmore posted 9/26/2016 13:57 PM

You are a wonderful person who has helped many on here with your wise words and experience. You are doing great. Do you still meditate?

Thank you (((((shoalsurvivor)))).

Yes I still meditate and can't imagine my life without lots of meditation

(((((BOP))))) I am so sorry that you still trigger with the word gay. I still trigger too and I am not sure how I will heal that trigger.

The other day I thought: We live in a free will universe and everybody has the right to like people of the same sex or the opposite sex... whatever they like.

If there is free will. I also have the free will to heal from this and somehow will get free.

(((hugs everyone)))


Lovingmyselfmore posted 9/26/2016 14:04 PM

Dear BOP

There's a book called getting past your break up.
Someone from NB forum recommended it and I have been working with the excercises.

It may help you to understand the red flags that you ignored and make sense of a lot of the things that may have warned you that it was a bad relationship.

I know that the fear of being cheated again in the future by a GAY/BI is something that makes me homophobic.

And with more confidence in myself I will be free of that fear of being easily cheated and used again.

I just thought of that book and thought to recommend it to you. Its a very good book and gives you many activities to help you heal and be really READY for a new relationship. A good relationship for you.

HowIsThisReal posted 9/27/2016 10:26 AM

Thank you ShoalSurvivor.

You're right, we all have to be strong. None of us asked for this double version of hell.

BallofPain posted 9/29/2016 01:09 AM

Thank you for the book recommendation, LMM. I just signed out the E-book and waiting for it to update right now.

At the moment, I'm not ready for a new relationship. I'm just so exhausted over this relationship thing. It's been difficult trying to stand out myself. I read an article today that an engagement is celebrated more than graduating university or college or even landing a difficult job. It's celebrated with more enthusiasm than travelling. Of course, the article said that the mindset is terribly outdated but I can't help but feel that pressure.

I feel like I'm fighting so hard to be happy on my own two feet. There are days where it works really well. Other days, I just feel like I'm failing at life.

shoalsurvivor posted 9/29/2016 02:08 AM

((((Everyone))))

BallofPain posted 9/30/2016 16:04 PM

Thanks Shoal!

I've been thinking a bit this weekend (now that I have more than one day off). My friend's relationship is now working through a complicated infidelity and she is working to earn forgiveness (despite both of them cheating but him not being caught). I think and stand that I don't forgive my ex for the cheating. That's a choice that he should never have chosen. But, I do forgive the path he took towards that choice.

Now, though, I have to try to find happiness on my own. It's been very difficult when my mom keep pushing me towards getting married making me feel like I'm not worth much on my own. Ugh, tradition!

HowIsThisReal posted 10/1/2016 20:41 PM

So my H's father just joined Facebook. He finally posted a profile photo today and it almost felt like a sucker punch when I saw it. The man my H was having these drug induced hookups with looks like he could be my H's father's sibling. They look so alike.

I went a little crazy in private and downloaded the pics and made a side by side comparison. It's shocking.

My H obviously has some huge daddy issues. He's gone into that with his therapist and I've read a few articles about how men sometimes crave the attention that they never got from their father, and they use sex as a means to get that attention from another male. My head is spinning.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 8:43 PM, October 1st (Saturday)]

Lovingmyselfmore posted 10/3/2016 14:02 PM

((((Howthisisreal))))

My H obviously has some huge daddy issues. He's gone into that with his therapist and I've read a few articles about how men sometimes crave the attention that they never got from their father, and they use sex as a means to get that attention from another male. My head is spinning.

Someone has posted an investigation about this... I believe in our previous thread.

My ex is also having a relationship with someone who looks like his father but younger.

WTF!?

HowIsThisReal posted 10/3/2016 22:05 PM

It's a real mindfuck isn't it?

Sigh.

He starts seeing a new therapist mid-month since we moved out of state in June.

I'm curious to see if this new therapist has the same views as his old one. The old one said he's not bi/gay and not a sex addict.

I'm waiting with baited breath to see if the new one thinks the same.

BallofPain posted 10/6/2016 00:44 AM

Wow, HITR...Just wow. I am just stunned reading that and I can't imagine what you are going through.

I never saw the face of my ex's main AP. He was always under a mask.

Let us know about the new therapist. I'm hoping for good results for you

Lovingmyselfmore posted 10/6/2016 16:06 PM

(((Everyone))))

Hello, I just wanted to come and send hugs to everyone.

I see that Our forum has been very quiet. What a relief that there's no new people showing up with this particular issue.

Last year was busier and I thought it was going to increase

I am feeling a lot of progress towards my new beginning or at least more progress than the first 18 months (or so) of depression, PTSD, anxiety, those traumas.

Hang in there! It gets better. Just takes a looooooong time but in the end you will heal.

LMM

Cloudyrain posted 10/9/2016 04:43 AM

Hi everyone
I've not posted in here for a while. I've been posting in divorce and seperation.

Stbxwh behaviour has got worse and worse. He's stolen thousands from our joint account. Has a Grindr account and has met lots of men on there. And the way he talks to me is angry and horrible. I have tried to take the high road but he just uos what he does.

I canceled a joint car insurance we had this week as it was due to be renewed which I had forgotten until the day before and I didn't want to have my insurance with his now we are divorcing. i let ex know, he just needed to get new insurance for the next day. At least 24 hours notice. He went fuming about it, I got about 10 messages of him saying I was wrong to cancel it, I was causing him problems, wasting his time at work, that I was not to cancel anything in future without asking him, he got annoyed I couldn't send him a photo of policy because I was taking kids to school!!

I was upset and that evening I broke no contact to ask if I could talk to him. I thought if I could explain it would calm everything down. And I had been missing him a lot.
He replied that he had tried to talk to me numerous times and I never respond. And after everything I had done and the car insurance thing he would only talk to me in mediation and not outside of that.

That hit me hard. But it has meant that he had one of the kids overnight and where he used to tell me how they were and let them say night he's not done that. I've messaged as this child had been ill the last few days and I've not heard anything so he's being true to his word of not talking to me. I'm upset I like to know how kids are. Ex seems to think I am keeping the kids from him and shutting him out of their/our lives so seems he is doing the same to me.

I want to say or do something but I don't know what. I feel like I am punished and hurt by him all the time. This does hurt the kids as well. They hear how he talk to me and they know he thinks I stop contact. They don't agree. I have depression, he knows this. I just don't know why he carries on being horrible. I didn't even say anything to him about the money he stole etc but one small thing I did makes him a victim.

Sorry I know this is a long post. I'm hust having a rant I have no one to talk to.

Fairytalelost posted 10/9/2016 14:22 PM

Haven't posted much since Dday back in February. Things had been going ok. I can't afford counseling and saw my general practitioner for anti-depressants. It's been over 6 months since I found out about my husbands year log sexcapades with his gay couple buddies. I'm still sickened and the triggers are everywhere. How do you deal with the daily reminders? I'm fighting panic attacks and tears. This is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. Any tips?

Lovingmyselfmore posted 10/10/2016 14:37 PM

((((Cloudyrain))))

Do what is best for you.

He will keep blaming you and will never take any resposibility at all for his actions that are so destructive!

It's impossible to change them when they are not even aware of their issues in the first place.

If you stay NC except for finances and children you will heal faster now that you've decided to divorce.

You can do this!

[This message edited by Lovingmyselfmore at 2:39 PM, October 10th (Monday)]

Lovingmyselfmore posted 10/10/2016 14:49 PM

((((fairytalelost))))

I am so sorry that you are going thorugh this and you are right, it's one of the hardest things in life.

After 2 years I can see that no challenge in my life at all was as hard as this.

I'm still sickened and the triggers are everywhere.

This is called PTSD

How do you deal with the daily reminders?

The thing that helped me the most was meditation. It changes your brain and helps it to function better.

Hang in there, there's a lot of help in this forum, in books and the experiences of us.

BIG HUGS


[This message edited by Lovingmyselfmore at 3:45 PM, October 10th (Monday)]

HowIsThisReal posted 10/10/2016 17:52 PM

((Cloudy))

The way he is treating you is wrong.

He went fuming about it, I got about 10 messages of him saying I was wrong to cancel it, I was causing him problems, wasting his time at work, that I was not to cancel anything in future without asking him

Maybe he shouldn't have cancelled your marriage without asking you.

Don't allow him to make you feel bad. You have the upper hand in life, you were a decent human being who didn't lie or break marriage vows. You are the better person, don't ever let him make you think otherwise.

HowIsThisReal posted 10/10/2016 17:59 PM

I never saw the face of my ex's main AP. He was always under a mask.

I've only ever seen 2 (out of over a dozen). I found them on FB, both are older than my husband by a decade or more.

There is one of the woman he was fucking as well that was a "multiple time visit" (a few of his fuck buddies were "multiple night stands", no dates or romance, but repeated visits because they knew what each other expected out of the ordeal) and I can not find her anywhere on social media. He doesn't remember her last name, and I have tried public records on what I think is her address, but no luck.

Sometimes I think maybe I don't want to know what they look like.

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