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Support Through Prayer ...Part 3

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blakesteele posted 6/16/2016 10:24 AM

I don't believe in luck or karma anymore.

A quick story about attending the Wild at Heart Boot Camp above.....

I had moved into IC for CSA that I discovered about me during working with a therapist surrounding my wifes affair. It was tough, painful work....with much homework. Homework I didn't want to do and would regularly reschedule weekly meetings......so I was very inconsistently attending.


I was reading Wild at Heart at the time....and the book was grabbing me, but I had not yet finished it.


I finally completed a tough assignment as assigned by the CSA Therapist and went to a session that was now 3 weeks overdue.

It was a good session and much work had been done. At the end the therapist said....


"This is odd, but want to ask you a question not related to your abuse. Don't know why but here it goes..... are you familiar with John Eledredges work?"

Now, mind you, I was not much of reader before the affair.....hot rod magazine guy here.

I was shocked and said. "yes, actually I just finished Wild at Heart and I liked it."

"Well......there is a Wild at Heart Boot Camp this fall. I think you are in a spot for it to do you considerable good. Would you consider going?"

"Maybe"

"Well it is a lottery to see who gets to go....limited spaces. And the lottery opened yesteday and closes on Monday (my session was on a Friday). I don't want to force you but if you are interested you have to put in for the lottery within the next 3 days."


WOW!!!!!!

What are the odds of me reading THAT book, me pushing this session back 3 weeks, the lottery just opening up, and the therapist boldly asking me about this all coming together in such a specific way?!?!

I got chosen, went, experienced revelation (things about me and my past that I hadn't known before) and healing (physically felt my spiritual heart softening and "sludge" being lifted away from me) like never before.

I had no idea what to expect when I got there....was actually a bit upset at the amount of "down time" scheduled into this retreat. AND THEN........I can't really describe it. Its like desires within my heart changed, core motivations became easier to see, new choices were available.

Yeah...its crazy. Some people get it, some don't. That was 9 months ago and I am still riding the wave of change in my life.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:27 AM, June 16th (Thursday)]

BrokenheartedWif posted 6/16/2016 15:21 PM

blakesteel

Thank you for sharing this.

hihn posted 6/18/2016 13:45 PM

Thank you for sharing that blakesteele😊 You are absolutely right it wasn't karma or chance, it was the lord making himself available to you.

I was given these verses today & thought I would share them:

Jeremiah 29:11 thru 14

11 For I know what I have planned for you,' says the Lord. 'I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you a future filled with hope. 12 When you call out to me and come to me in prayer, I will hear your prayers. 13 When you seek me in prayer and worship, you will find me available to you. If you seek me with all your heart and soul, 14 I will make myself available to you,' says the Lord.

God has a purpose for each one of us. Some of us may already know our purpose while other are in the process of discovering it. Regardless of whether we already know our purpose or not we must continue to seek him with all our hearts and soul. He will make himself available to us.

P.S. The lord is thrilled with his little flock of believers here.

[This message edited by hihn at 1:52 PM, June 18th (Saturday)]

blakesteele posted 6/19/2016 16:59 PM

God has a purpose for each one of us. Some of us may already know our purpose while other are in the process of discovering it. Regardless of whether we already know our purpose or not we must continue to seek him with all our hearts and soul. He will make himself available to us.

P.S. The lord is thrilled with his little flock of believers here.

Amen. I don't yet know all God has planned for me.....but I'm FINALLY open to it, in a real daily way.

Today I question if my wife is really remorseful...or if I'm being played again. I discovered snapchat on her phone after returning home from a work conference...been on for a couple weeks when I found it. When I asked her about it she excitedly told me how cool it was. Reportedly didn't realize it would be hard on me to discover this. Truthfully, I wouldn't have been supportive of it had I been asked.....for obvious to BS's reasons. Ugh. She deleted it....with just a hint of justification to keep it.

Not a trigger....just deflated.

BUT BUT BUT.......I felt God with me upon discovery. I visited with him about it like I do a buddy over a car issue, BEFORE approaching her. To this day none of my RL go-to guys know about it. That's a change too! I'm not hiding it. But don't need them to know. I'm taking my wife at her word....and living in the present.

My prayer life has taken on a conversational tone to it.....

"You know....I'm not pleased with finding this God. It hurts. I don't want it to....but it does. I want to attack my wife, but don't know if that is your will. I doubt it is....but I don't know. so I need your help. What is the real battle here God? Is there a battle? I don't know how to check up on this tech....do I need to learn?"

Haven't heard God directly speak to me....but I had a real peace about me. Like I knew I had this......in the same way I knew I could get a broke spark plug out of a cylinder head on a car---With someone else's help. My brother'd help me get the broke plug out.....God would help me heal from the pain if snapchat morphed into another affair. How'd I know? Cause my brothers done that before...and so has God.

I have no delusions of grandeur......I'm no ace mechanic, I just enjoy owning and working on classic cars.....I'm no saint, I just enjoy my relationship with God via Jesus.

Sometimes I don't need my brother turning the wrench.....I can put to use the wisdom I've gained by working with him to keep my classic VW on the road. Likewise, Sometimes I don't need God doing everything for me....do believe he wants me to practice my faith.....choose an active relationship with him regularly. And so I do.

I still can break more than I repair....in all my areas of desires. But each time I do, if I can keep pride in check, I can learn more.

We aren't saved by works....we are saved by grace. God hardly needs me to fix my life but he loves me enough to show me how to grow better, into the man he sees in me. And he does that through sometimes painful trials. Trials allowed into my life, not created by him. He, like any loving father, doesn't enjoy seeing us break spark plugs off.....but he soooo enjoys seeing us handheld such challenges with him!

That's a perspective I didn't have 4 years ago.

steadychevy posted 6/20/2016 08:42 AM

I don't believe in karma either, blakesteele. I do believe there will be a day of reckoning but it will be by a compassionate and forgiving God. The bible has a fairly clear message about what is necessary to be accepted into heaven. I believe God weeps mightily for those who don't meet the crieria. John 3:16 sums it up. It doesn't matter about previous breaking of commandments. True repentance and accepting the Lord are all that is required. The hymn "Amazing Grace" illustrates the grace of the Lord. Lost but now found - a wretch like me. I am not nearly as forgiving or compassionate as the Lord.

I will be purchasing Wild at Heart. Thank you for the suggestion. If it resonates with me I research to see if there is a boot camp somewhere close to my far north location.

I was up at 6 this morning reading on SI. My office window faces east. The sun is shining. The birds are singing. The tall, green grass on the hillsides is gently waving. Way to the east a group of about 20 calves are loping around in a pack. When I go to the kitchen to get a coffee refill I look south through the picture window a mile to the next row of trees it is the same peaceful picture. Rolling hills of green grass. No cows or calves or yearlings or bull there because they are all east or north or west right now.

I live in paradise. This is God's creation. I'm so fortunate to live in this creation of the Lord. God provided the land and animals for the use of man. But with that use he also gave responsibility to be stewards. This is my use, enjoyment and comfort of God's creation. For others it is different. I was sitting here and just felt a need to share.

My prayers, blakesteele, for decades were conversations with God. Since DDay it was one sided because I wasn't talking to Him. I'm doing better, talking more, trying to leave more in his hands instead of me trying to be in control.

I pray that each of us finds that comfort in God's creation that we find ourselves in. That where we are we can feel God's presence in our lives. That we know, even while we are in agony, he is with us, carrying us, and is there to comfort us. We need simply to ask. The answer may not be one we like but I've found that there may be something even better following the prayer we thought wasn't answered.

I pray for comfort and peace for all of us.

VirginiaRegret posted 6/20/2016 08:46 AM

What are the odds of me reading THAT book, me pushing this session back 3 weeks, the lottery just opening up, and the therapist boldly asking me about this all coming together in such a specific way?!?!

This made me smile. I can't tell you the number of times I've had things like this happen since my conversion in August. Wow, almost a year! A couple of people that were put in my life over this time that it's so crazy the set of things that happened to get us to talk that I know with 100% certainty that God put those people in my path when I needed them the most, without whom I would not be where I am today. And on the days I start to lose sight of where I'm going and start to question if God's still here, I think back to those times. They were dark times. But now looking back, I see how God's hand was moving in my life. How prayers were answered often not in the way I was hoping or expecting but in ways I couldn't have imagined and were much better for me.

And a verse that stuck out to me recently:

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. - Matthew 6:25-34

It makes me smile when Jesus calls his disciples out for not having enough faith. If they struggled while personally witnessing all the miracles Jesus performed, it makes me feel slightly better that even seeing the miracles in my life that I struggle too.

And about snapchat or other messaging apps, my husband and I talked about that a few months ago. That is just an absolute no for either of us. If I found snapchat on his phone, it would be a huge issue. There is 100% zero need for an app like that. If he needs to message someone, he can text them. If he doesn't want to leave a trace, then he doesn't need to be married to me. I've come to really hate smart phones. Infidelity is nothing new but I do think technology has made it 100% easier.

blakesteele posted 6/20/2016 09:34 AM

If it resonates with me I research to see if there is a boot camp somewhere close to my far north location.

Look....I really hope it grabs you like it did me, but if it doesn't so be it. You have been one of the solid virtual men in my life....speaking boldly, with truth and grace and mercy, into my life since the beginning. God has worked through you to help me. Of this I have no doubt.

Would be so cool to actually meet you someday.


I was up at 6 this morning reading on SI. My office window faces east. The sun is shining. The birds are singing. The tall, green grass on the hillsides is gently waving. Way to the east a group of about 20 calves are loping around in a pack. When I go to the kitchen to get a coffee refill I look south through the picture window a mile to the next row of trees it is the same peaceful picture. Rolling hills of green grass. No cows or calves or yearlings or bull there because they are all east or north or west right now.

I live in paradise. This is God's creation. I'm so fortunate to live in this creation of the Lord. God provided the land and animals for the use of man. But with that use he also gave responsibility to be stewards. This is my use, enjoyment and comfort of God's creation. For others it is different. I was sitting here and just felt a need to share.

I live in the heart of the Ozark Mountains...I thoroughly enjoy kayaking and fishing the streams. Cold weather floats too.....seeing the mist freeze on the shrubs and rocks, the quietness that only falling snow can bring to the mountains, but the summer time floats are beautiful too.

I read a passage in the bible that talked about God creating the world. When he was done he stood back and said "This is good". And then it goes on to say he created man....and he stood back and said "This is VERY good".

I think of that when I see breathtaking beauty, or a calf being born, or sit down to a delicious meal.......my thought is "Really God? This is just "good" and I am "VERY good"?" And then I smile.

We can choose very destructively, we have original sin. But we can choose very constructively too, we have original glory in us too!

blakesteele posted 6/20/2016 09:52 AM

VirginiaRegrets.....my wife saw what you speak of, that SnapChat is not a necessity. She has a business that caters to younger demographics, she thought it would be helpful to her business but has since seen the benefits are not strong enough to outweigh the draw-backs.

Adultery is as old as time.....but is considerably easier to choose via technology. I get that.

What I wonder about now is the family fracture. Our FOO played a huge role in our patterns of living, neither of which produced healthy fruit.

Take out the man, take out the dad, take out the family.
(insert woman\mom and the same affect is had)

Take out the family, take out the town, take out the country.

Our respective family units were taken out early in our lives.....adultery and alcoholism respectively. Therapist called what we had was a "marriage by default". We had no male role models, the patterns of our Moms were not healthy either, we did NOT have a personal relationship with Jesus (though we have always believed in God). So we effectively had no Father's in our lives. Looking back....I don't see we had much of a shot at a healthy M or family really. Even the stuff I THOUGHT was healthy turns out to be not so.

Been discovering there is much talk about the heart in the bible.....and specifically about what motivates us. God is interested in this part of us, not rules and regulations (though that is easiest to grasp a hold of). We sure LOOKED good on the outside....and we believed we WERE good. Didn't satan enjoy that. Then I believed I was ALL bad. Didn't satan enjoy that! Finally I sought God through Jesus....and I moved away from "relative truths" and "living life by default" to really hearing the Gospel (the good news).

I don't think technology is from satan himself, but he can and does use it for evil. But God can use it for good too! SteadyChevy, Sisoon and others have helped me in this trial...and that wouldn't be possible without technology. I get daily emails and have a bible app on my smartphone.....listen to podcast, etc. Course I have used the internet for porn, wife used it for her affair too.

Free will and seeking God's will.....thats where we have an active role in our relationship with God.

VirginiaRegret posted 6/20/2016 10:42 AM

I don't think technology is from satan himself, but he can and does use it for evil. But God can use it for good too! SteadyChevy, Sisoon and others have helped me in this trial...and that wouldn't be possible without technology. I get daily emails and have a bible app on my smartphone.....listen to podcast, etc. Course I have used the internet for porn, wife used it for her affair too.

Free will and seeking God's will.....thats where we have an active role in our relationship with God.

I didn't mean to imply that I thought technology is evil, it's definitely a good thing! I mean, I think about myself and my bipolar diagnosis. It wasn't long ago that kind of illness could've landed me locked up in a mental institution! But it easy to misuse technology and I feel like these days, trying to keep it in it's place is really the minority position, if that makes sense. I look at my son in high school and those kids are glued to their phones all the time. He'll have friends over and they'll all be interacting with other friends on their phones. We're all constantly connected but lack real connection. It can be a challenge for me in my 30's, how much harder for these kids when everyone else is doing it?

My husband and I used to (and sometimes are still guilty of) sitting in bed with the tv on both staring at our phones, totally disengaged from each other. I think it takes being very mindful these days to really disengage from technology and focus on the real person in front of you instead of the other way around. But this is a personal struggle not a something inherently wrong with the technology itself. Like nearly everything else, we can use it for good or evil.

blakesteele posted 6/20/2016 10:55 AM

I didn't mean to imply that I thought technology is evil,

smile.

That wasn't implied by you at all, virginiaregrets.....sometimes I post statements that I need to read! I learn by repetition.

I fight the urge to chuck my smartphone in the creek and kill all electronic modes of communication.......all required by my work, btw.

Its immature of me, thinking that "without this crap I wouldn't have used porn and my wife wouldn't have cheated on me", and I need to grow in this area.

4 years out and I still get uneasy when my wife gets a text or is on FB. No longer a trigger, just an internal wince.

Then I can go to the "my vulnerable, young daughters and cyber bullying or sexting".

this is when I need to breath, remind myself that technology is not of satan origin and......and no matter how good a husband, father, worker, friend I am the fact remains. God is needed in each persons life.

So my daughters are going to experience pain that I can't keep from them, that I can't keep out of their lives. That sucks. But I have faith (now more than ever) that God will be there for them like he has been for me.

hihn posted 6/20/2016 13:41 PM

Steadychevy,

That was a wonderful description of your view out your window. It felt like I was transported to there seeing that scene & feeling the same thing. Beautiful is God's creations. Beautiful, absolutely breath taking.

VirginiaRegret posted 6/22/2016 07:23 AM

I've been dealing with complete spiritual discouragement lately. I've come to the conclusion that discouragement and shame are two of the most effective tools that Satan uses against us. When I look at my own seemingly inability to do anything good, I tend to want to stay in bed and wallow. Why even try when I know I'll fail? I want to be patient with my children but lose my patience. I want to forgive and yet can't let go of anger and hurt. I want to be a good person and yet fail every day.

I've found there's pretty much an answer to everything in Paul's writings. He's one of my favorites in the bible. He persecuted the early Christians and was responsible for murdering many. And yet, he became one of the greatest saints. He didn't succumb to the temptation to wallow in his past accepting that he failed at life and couldn't be redeemed because of all of the evil he committed. So I pulled up Romans:

And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! - Romans 7: 16-25

As Blake often says, it's truly a war.

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. - Matthew 7:13-14

I've always found this passage discouraging. Great, what chance do I, who am so small and weak, have of making it down this narrow path? Now though, I see it as encouraging. Jesus is confirming and validating my feelings. It IS hard. It IS a war. Following down this path ISN'T easy. It's right for me to feel that way. It's not discouraging because he also promises this:

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. - Matthew 7:7

As long as I continue to seek and to pray, as long as don't succumb to discouragement, He's promised that I'll find and the door will be opened. Nothing more encouraging than that! So this morning, my prayer for everyone here is endurance. Endurance in this difficult race because what we know is that no matter the trials of this life, we've been promised victory!

Those are my thoughts this morning. Have a great day!

BrokenheartedWif posted 6/22/2016 09:09 AM

Virginiaregret

Staying connected to God and the Holy Spirit helps drown out the lies of Satan.

The most dangerous neighborhood in the world is isolated in our own minds where Satan can go to work.

Nelson L. Schuman has written two books you may want to take a look at. They are "Restored to Freedom" & "Jesus Loves to Heal Through You".

Nelson has a ministry called "Restored to Freedom" in Carmel IN. He is Director of the Healing Rooms at New Life Assembly of God in Noblesville, IN.

Many people are being healed emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

Catula posted 6/22/2016 16:04 PM

Praying with all my brothers and sisters who have gone through this hell...whether a BS or WS, it is a hell, and Satan is behind it. Jesus said Satan "came to kill, steal and destroy", what better way to destroy love than infidelity?

I will keep praying for peace for everyone on this site. So much pain.

blakesteele posted 6/22/2016 16:15 PM

Satans first ploy is to get you to believe their is no battle. That takes out a majority of folks....folks who believe all of their thoughts are their own, that they have all the truth they need.


But if you are t deceived and enter the battle.....Satan will dig-pile them on you.

......a reminder to ME as I feel overwhelmed. I must not retreat, that being still is still staying in the battle, that I am not as alone and weak as I feel.

Keep the faith.

blakesteele posted 6/24/2016 18:08 PM

Been a rough week, fully feeling the spiritual battle upon me. Won't mention details as we all know them...we all know the struggle.

We also know God is with us....most of the time. He's with us all the time but we can and do forget that fact.

Well....today I was preparing to leave work....and we have an outage on our grid! "Ugh" was my initial response....followed by "Really God?".l. Sigh....I got to work developing a restoration plan. got it done just before the line crew showed up, handed them their assignment and went to go back to my office.

This happened.

"Hey Blake."--burly lineman called to me

" yes?" I said turning to face him.

Then he hugs me.

"You're a good man. This isn't weird, right? "

He released his hug and went to his truck.

I don't remember saying a thing.

What's even more ironic....this is a guy whose not been faithful in his marriage ....a guy I hardly knew cause of his lifestyle choices and our different interests.

God worked through him to help me. Of that I'm sure.

VirginiaRegret posted 6/24/2016 21:40 PM

Saw this the other day on Facebook and it really hit me:

When the devil keeps asking you to look at your past, there must be something good in the future he doesn't want you to see.

There are so many in the bible with terrible pasts, who go on to become some of the greatest and most influential followers of Christ. It's so easy to get sucked back in to the hurt and sorrow but when we do, it's hard to see who we are and where we're going. Don't let all that's happened blind you from the truth. I'm glad God put someone in your path to remind you of the truth: you're a good man. Great book about infidelity, marriage,and the power of God: Marriage 911: How God Saved Our Marriage. It's a short easy read but gave me a lot of hope for what's to come.


blakesteele posted 6/25/2016 06:22 AM

Why even try when I know I'll fail? I want to be patient with my children but lose my patience. I want to forgive and yet can't let go of anger and hurt. I want to be a good person and yet fail every day.

This. Right. Here.

This, at its roots, is the foundational thought process both mine and my wife's FOO programming put into us.

"That's how relationships go...they end". First sentence from my Mom upon hearing of my wife's affair.

Both God and Satan are fighting for our hearts. Satan knows if we are bold enough to guard our hearts and NOT bury or box them up we will tap into the power God gave us there.

Adultery is the weapon of mass destruction against the heart...look how many hearts my wife's 1 affair has the ability to touch.....7 kids and 4 adults. All will be tempted to allow their heart to harden and become bitter....even if they don't mentally know about the sinful act, it hurts them. It dies because this pain is largely spiritual in nature....occurring in the unseen part of our existence.

Ever wonder why excessive hobbies, working, open, alcohol kid-centric marriages and other "physical world" choices are so tempting? Because to choose them is to stay off the spiritual battle field and ignore the pain and fear there.

Kicker is.....whether we want it or not, the battle is upon us. We HAVE and we WILL get wounded.....regardless of if we choose to actively engage in it.

And God most certainly wants us to engage our hearts, guard them but use them. Hearts are where God connects with us.....it's not a good idea to leave such a powerful weapon in the armory when the enemy attacks. God blesses us with our hearts.....feelings AND wisdom are found here. The mind has knowledge but the heart is needed to take that knowledge and put it into action....wisdom = knowledge combined with experience put into action.

"You haven't learned a damn thing"

"You've not changed at all, you big poser"

How many times a day I hear this whisper from the enemy.

Then, when I resist their lies, my battles intensify.

Really now? God hasn't changed me?? Then why the new focus on me as your foe, Satan? If I'm the same old same old...why waste more time and mortars on me?

Satan WILL show himself. The truth will make you free.


rosie437 posted 6/25/2016 12:24 PM

Morning all, I haven't posted on this thread in a long time but I do read it occasionally and I want you to know I appreciate everyone's prayers and faith here - the insights and stories shared are inspirational and good reminders for me of what really matters.

I've posted before about God providing me really direct signs in response to prayer and I had another incident happen just yesterday that I thought I'd share...I think this one proves that God has a bit of a sense of humor even.

Yesterday afternoon I had a mediation session with STBX. I arrived quite early (mostly b/c I was a bundle of nerves and couldn't sit home anymore). I took a slow meandering walk around the area - it was beautiful out. My mind was spinning out of control about 'this might be it - we could actually be done' and I sort of started to panic. What if I wasn't supposed to D? What if I needed more time to figure it out? What if there was a chance he really had changed and I didn't give it enough of a chance?' I haven't had similar lines of thinking for a long time - I've been quite sure about D overall but something about walking around in that area where I used to walk with STBX brought on this overwhelming sense of panic in me. I sat down on a bench, calmed myself down and prayed. I told God I knew I was being ridiculous, I knew this was the right move and I just needed some extra strength and a reminder of this so I could get through mediation as best as possible.

Literally 30 seconds later, I looked up and my ex-boyfriend whom I haven't seen or spoken to since we broke up over 15 years ago, was walking down the street alone right towards me. It was the most bizarre thing ever but I almost laughed out loud I was in such shock. Never in a million years would I have guessed that would be a reminder but it was. We chatted, shared stories of what we were up to and he went on his way. I went to mediation right after that just shaking my head trying to figure it out. I believe that it was a reminder that 15 years ago I had a dramatic, ugly breakup with this guy and I was so worried I might regret it. But I never did, it was for the best - some relationships are not meant to be and are even damaging. Seeing my ex, I still had zero regret on that - he was polite and kind but there were no sparks there, it was like running into a stranger. I felt completely neutral about it. So I think it was a reminder that all of this will pass - maybe not as quickly as I'd like. But I need to trust Him, trust the process, listen to my instincts and follow where God is guiding me. Because 5 or maybe 15 years from now, my STBX is going to be the same way - just another stranger I used to know. He's a man that's stomped on my heart and now is taking advantage of me financially and I know it's a toxic relationship. It will end. And that's for the best. Life goes on, our lowest moments don't last forever, even if it seems like they do at the time.

Blessings to all!

steadychevy posted 6/26/2016 08:33 AM

I'm praying, blakesteele, that your weekend has been better than last week and that the week to come will be the same. It appears from posts in this thread and in a thread in another forum that you are working on the process. I find, for me, that I used to turn to prayer before DDay. I'm turning to prayer again more now. But I question the feelings I get. Was the feeling - gut, intuition, message - from the holy one or the evil one or from my own bias. Lots of work to do.

I have thought that it would be nice to meet you as well, blakesteele. I don't know if I will ever get to Missouri. I get a beef cattle and general economic outlook newsletter from an analyst in Olathe, Kansas. He is a christian who I've met in person but not in Kansas. There is also a cattle breeder in southeast Colorado whose cattle genetics and philosophy appeal. He is a christian and in addition to a regular newsletter about cattle production and economics writes a Sabbath Devotional which he distributes every Saturday to his large e-mail list. I haven't made it to his ranch yet and would like to. So maybe one day I will just get in the truck and head south.

It seems to me that we might have a bit in common aside from infidelity in our lives. I was a volunteer firefighter in our rural area until just after DDay (I retired because I just couldn't do it anymore). Love of the outdoors - fishing, hiking, nature, peace, tranquility. Perhaps post secondary education in some sort of biological study (agriculture is mine).

I won't make the trip this year. I suffered a fairly significant facial injury working cattle in mid-May. Orbital bone fractured in a couple places, cheekbone crushed and parts deposited in my sinus and up between my eye and nose. Reconstructive surgery was May 27. Held together with a couple of plates and some screws. I can do very little. I'm impatient and push the envelop and suffer setbacks in healing. My WW, neighbours (one of whom is 79 and another who is 82), sons-in-law and daughters carried the load of calving the cows, caring for them, etc. while I sat in the house. I'm dismayed at how tired I am, how slow recovery is (told frequently by surgeons that I'm fragile, very fragile - do not bump or you will be starting all over again and it will be worse. What man wants to be told he is fragile?) I'm making progress but it just seems slow even though I was told repeatedly that it will be 8 weeks before I can do much of anything.

hihn, I'm sitting in my office again this morning since 5:30 revelling in what I see. Flashes of brilliant blue Bluebirds, brilliant yellow and black American Goldfinch, little humminbirds buzzing into the feeder. Cows up to their bellies in green, green grass. This is my corner of God's paradise. For others it is entirely different - could be an apartment with a park nearby and many other things. God is everywhere and God is good.

I come once again asking for prayers. Prayers for psycological healing, prayers for my WW, prayers for patience, prayers to be still and listen and prayers for my physical healing.

I continue to pray for us - some specific people and generally. Strength and the peace of God to all.

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