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N P D Thread - Part 14

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tikismom posted 8/3/2018 09:33 AM

Just seeing if anyone posts to this thread recently. My husband has NPD; he was recently told by his counselor in therapy; I don't think he believes it..Anyways, we are both wanting to R, but I am just trying to see if others have successfully R with their NPD WS? My WH is regretful, but not remorseful. He promises he will never do this again, but everything I read, you need a remorseful spouse, but with his NPD, he def lacks remorse & true empathy. Hes doing a lot of things right, but many things wrong.

tikismom posted 8/6/2018 10:20 AM

Anyone here?? Giving 1 last shot before I post in general.

WornDown posted 8/6/2018 21:19 PM

I don't know any real statistics, but I'd say chances of R with any personality disordered (B, N, H) is slim to none.

It's who they are - their personality. That doesn't change without very significant introspection and work. But the very aspects of a PD, mean they really aren't into introspection or caring about your needs. Sad, but there it is.

Way back when my first Dday happened, my ex's therapist told her she thought ex might be BPD (ex dropped that therapist shortly thereafter - see above about introspection).

When I told my therapist he said it would be AT LEAST two years of her working on herself before she could even being to help me heal. He then said in 30 years of being a therapist, he'd never seen someone with BPD change.

I tried to make it work for another seven years and multiple Ddays before I threw in the towel.

YMMV

[This message edited by WornDown at 9:21 PM, August 6th (Monday)]

tikismom posted 8/7/2018 10:41 AM

Thank you for sharing your experience. My WH was given his dx, but not sure he believes it or if he does, doesn't think its a problem. Its been hard working with his personality & dealing with the aftermath of what has happened.

WornDown posted 8/7/2018 12:07 PM

doesn't think its a problem.

And there is the problem with the personality disordered - they think there's nothing wrong with themselves, it's everyone else that has the issues.

barcher144 posted 8/7/2018 15:14 PM

My wife's SIL almost certainly has a personality disorder. I have always thought that she was borderline, but a recent discussion with a different SIL suggested that NPD was more likely.

I have had my own mental health struggles, so I know (for example) that Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is recommended for folks with borderline personality disorders. Is there a similar therapy/treatment for NPD?

I'm just curious... because...

And there is the problem with the personality disordered - they think there's nothing wrong with themselves, it's everyone else that has the issues.

This describes my SIL precisely.

tikismom posted 8/7/2018 15:44 PM

Its interesting you say that (while I know that is true because its what my therapist told me), but my WH said if he does have it, then he used it to his advantage because that's how he got ahead in life (regarding his career etc) so it almost seemed that while he didn't think it described him, if it is true, then it surely helped him advance.

barcher144 posted 8/7/2018 16:08 PM

WH said if he does have it, then he used it to his advantage because that's how he got ahead in life

Most things in life have advantages and disadvantages.

Could his putative-NPD help him have a successful career? Sure, maybe.

Would you trade "being an asshole, a liar, and a cheat" for a successful career?

I wouldn't.

It's concerning that he is trying to rationalize his bad behavior by saying it made him successful. It's another hint that he has little regret and that he has no desire to change.

xhz700 posted 8/8/2018 16:14 PM

Its interesting you say that (while I know that is true because its what my therapist told me), but my WH said if he does have it, then he used it to his advantage because that's how he got ahead in life (regarding his career etc) so it almost seemed that while he didn't think it described him, if it is true, then it surely helped him advance.

Well it did likely help him advance, bit it's not in the way he would have you believe. His sociopathic tendencies allow him to do just about anything without guilt or concern regarding consequences.

If someone needs to be stepped on to move him up a rung, he does it with no qualms at all.

I am divorced from a BPD woman. There was NO reconciling with her, the disorder is simply too much. I am not sure about NPD other than that to say, you will need to readjust what you thought your life was going to be like.

honesttoafault posted 8/12/2018 10:13 AM

tikismom: I think you may have answered your own question:

My WH is regretful, but not remorseful. He promises he will never do this again, but everything I read, you need a remorseful spouse

Even with a "normal" person, you need a remorseful spouse who is willing to do the work in R. It take two people fully committed to R and to make a new marriage for it to work and it's very, very hard work. Remember, too, that he was diagnosed as NPD by his counselor. Although I'm sure you love him, you have to really think about this.

irrelevancy posted 8/17/2018 20:58 PM

I hate how easily they can get into our heads. Seriously. Flying monkeys say something that is so clearly straight from the ex's mouth and even though it's the exact opposite of reality, it sends me into an emotional tailspin. I hate it. I'm not sure what to do about it though. It just messes with me over and over and over.

Today was another example... on top of a few over the last few days (he is bipolar in addition and so these things come in clumps) and today his flying monkey accused me of feeding my kids nothing but potatoes for 8 days. Seriously? And very clearly implied that I make my children cook and prepare all their own meals... and in front of a doctor's employee stated, "We let kids be kids at our house." I'm just frustrated and letting it get into my head...

Wiserallthetime posted 9/8/2018 22:17 PM

irrelevancy - I don't know how old your kids are, but there's nothing wrong with teaching kids to cook, or to do any other household chore. I understand, though, as xwh here made out my giving the kids chores to do as being child labor or some other sinister thing. But, to the disordered, teaching children how to live independent of them IS a crime of high order - children MUST remain dependent, in order to remain "supply", don'tcha know?...


Is it just me? Or do your alarm bells ring louder when your "problem person" is acting reasonable/kind/nice/even generous to you? I am in that situation now, where I expected an ugly response full of blame, even if in passive-aggressive form, and, instead got reasonable and kind and agreeable.... It puts me into high alert now, wondering what he is up to, behind the scenes.... Am I the only one that reacts this way?

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