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For Those Who Found Out Years Later

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iamanidiot posted 6/13/2017 04:12 AM

Shattered2017
Our stories are very similar. I only found out Dec'14 about my wife's several A's starting 1979 through 1985.
I understand some of the pain you are going through.
FYI. My story and SI advice at http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=556781&AP=1&HL=47257
From a previous post of yours:

What bothers me the most is that I feel like the back up or second place
There were many things that bothered me.
Like that there were 4xAP's for one.
Knowing I was 'the 2nd hand guy' is one of the worst.
Describing in detail to me about when she got pregnant from AP2 is also one of those things (considering that I can't specifically remember what we did on our wedding night - so far back) that I can never erase from my mind.
Right now you are probably in 'WTF' mode - wondering about it all the time.

Gently, there is not much you can do about what happened.
But you can work on YOU. Your focus is to survive this. To heal.
Please read as much as you can. You will find out that 'It' did not happen because of you. Your spouse was messed up.
Take care of yourself & talk lots. Engage in conversation with your spouse. She took the lie detector, that shows she wants to engage with you, to open up to you.
My spouse shut down, stopped opening up to me, when she saw the devastation in my eyes as I started to realize the extent of her cheating. That set my healing back a bit.

I always felt that she 'got away with it' and I suffered the cold shoulder of our marriage.
In truth, my spouse boxed it all in and moved on - but she lived in her own little hell hole all these years, knowing what she did.

Strength to you.
Please keep posting.


Nvrgsawy posted 6/14/2017 18:03 PM

I found out fifteen years later and the movies are the worst. I don't know about the rest of you but it put me in a time machine. That whole period of time came right back. I thought, that's where she was, that's why she said that, etc. Killer shit!!

iamanidiot posted 6/15/2017 03:07 AM

My spouse put it all in a box for 30+years.
For me, I was always left wondering.....
The doubts were always there.
With time they clouded over.

There were so many 'things' that did not make sense at the time, but you move on, you get on with life.
But those things hang there, for years.

When she told me it was like looking at a jigsaw puzzle coming together by itself in front of me.
Those 'things' ALL started to make sense.

My spouse was not able to do a timeline. But I could.
I could remember the 1st time I felt something wrong with 'US'. The 1st kiss that was somehow 'distant'. The 1st lie.
I suddenly remembered!

but it put me in a time machine.

The more time I spent thinking back to that time, looking back knowing about the infidelities, the more details(clues) came to light in my mind.
That timeline was very important to me.
It was the clue to my understanding.
It was the tool I used to put 6 years of hell into some sort of order.
The timeline let me understand that none of her cheating was about me.

Oldwounds posted 6/15/2017 11:36 AM

I found out fifteen years later and the movies are the worst. I don't know about the rest of you but it put me in a time machine. That whole period of time came right back.

Well, it is a double-edged sword. It is a time machine and takes us back to that moment when we certain our lives were different than we knew. And top that with the day we find out, the pain is all brand new as if happened far more recently.

It is a time machine that reveals a devastated history and goes back to the future to haunt us today.

Infidelity is horrible as is, but it is hard to describe to anyone but the people in this thread what it is like to have the truth hidden for years.

Reconciliation is making progress here at home, but lost time does seem to add some salt to the wounds.

Nvrgsawy posted 6/15/2017 17:33 PM

My WW kept saying "it was so long ago". She couldn't understand that it just happened in my mind.I really do feel for the people on the FTWFOYL thread. Everything is so far in the past. It's a very helpless feeling.

Stronger2 posted 6/17/2017 09:20 AM

I found out about WH's EA 3 years after the final contact between WH and AP and 8 years after it started.Then I found out he'd also had a PA supposedly in 2006 but it was actually 2003. Altogether 14 years of lying in a 22 year marriage and a 28 year relationship. The pain of having 14 years re-written and having been betrayed for 14 years is indescribable.
I am 18 months past the first DDay and 5 since the most recent revelations. Can't believe this is my life after I thought I'd married a good person,had a good father for my children and had had a generally good marriage. So hard to think about walking away from 28 years and so hard to see how I can stay also. WH is deeply sorry and now finally being a proper husband. Does this ever get better?

Oldwounds posted 6/17/2017 12:33 PM

Does this ever get better?

Sorry to see you in the club no one wants to be in.

But for me, it has improved, because my wife has done a lot of work trying to figure out where she went off the rails. She got individual counseling and we have done couple counseling -- and one year later of talking through this stuff, it is better.

A little.

It takes a while to re-assemble the 'real' timeline of life.

Stronger2 posted 6/18/2017 09:10 AM

Thank you Old Wounds.
How do you deal with all the time that you didn't know? I feel like I have been tricked out of my own life. It helps a bit tho to think it isn't my life that was a lie - it was his.

Oldwounds posted 6/18/2017 09:53 AM

Hey Stronger --

How do you deal with all the time that you didn't know?

It is weird. For those who found out years later, we get to deal with an extra 'stage' of our relationship. Pre-A, A, Secrets Kept Era, and finally reality.

The dreaded 'secrets era' is extra tough at first, at least it was for me. I couldn't look at family photos the same, and my head was spinning - always going back and trying to re-remember our entire lives together to sift through real and unreal.

It helps a bit tho to think it isn't my life that was a lie - it was his.

Bingo. You are on the right track.

Now when I look at those old family pictures I see me and think the ONLY thing I did wrong in that moment in time was love my wife. That part of me is real.

And I find that I greatly appreciate our new authentic time now. We are much closer than any of the other 'eras' on our timeline.

I can't change the fact of when the truth happened anymore than I can change that the affair happened.

It takes time to accept that part for sure, so never pressure yourself along the way -- or if you accept it all. Healing happens at YOUR pace.

trustedg posted 6/18/2017 10:30 AM

Finding out years later is different than catching them in the act. I had suspected but didn't confront until 25 years after the PA. Even after admitting to some he still had to TT for a few days, making things worse, after 25 years couldn't he just tell the truth!?

In my case the 25 years since had been great, I know if I had found out at the time it would have ended in divorce. I think I have the truth, do we ever really know for sure, even with a poly? He says he can't remember exact dates, probably true, but with some info I can get a loose time frame. He has done everything he can to hep me heal, but I still had the mind movies, hurt, anger, low self esteem, depression, etc.

I am rambling, but to answer

Does this ever get better?
It can, takes time and work on both sides.

Stronger2 posted 6/20/2017 02:10 AM

Thank you Trusted and Old wounds. I have been having a really hard time in the last few days. It is good to hear how other people cope with this particular form of hell. I am going to focus on just getting myself together and finding some peace whatever that looks like.

Stronger2 posted 6/20/2017 02:12 AM

Thank you Trusted and Old wounds. I have been having a really hard time in the last few days. It is good to hear how other people cope with this particular form of hell. I am going to focus on just getting myself together and finding some peace whatever that looks like.

mimi88 posted 7/30/2017 11:48 AM

Finding out 6 years later that my H ONS has resulted in 5 year old twin boys. Im not even hurting that much on the ONS being it was 6 years ago, but the aftermath that has resulted in children that's what's killing me. Feeling so alone

Nvrgsawy posted 7/31/2017 06:15 AM

mimi88, you are not alone here. We all have different circumstances but all understand the special pain of finding out years later. I'm so sorry your hurting and l send strength and support your way. (((Hugs)))

mimi88 posted 8/6/2017 01:53 AM

Nvrgsawy Thank You it does help knowing i am not alone i wish this was a situation where people didn't have to go through but it happens. Knowing people have gotten through it all gives me great hope.

iamanidiot posted 8/7/2017 05:42 AM

mimi88 - So sorry this happened to you.

Finding out years later puts a cloud over all those other years since or before that time. Even if those other years were very good.

Please keep posting - it may help you to reduce your anger.
Keep reading - it will help you to accept.

theaterguy posted 8/17/2017 20:01 PM

Just found this group and it looks like I get to be a member...SIGH...

Nvrgsawy posted 8/18/2017 09:29 AM

theaterguy, we are all a member of this club that we didn't ask to join. So sorry you are suffering through this and we all understand. Keep posting.

theaterguy posted 8/18/2017 19:46 PM

The thing that helps me is that she showed courage by telling me when she didn't have to. I had some vague suspicions which eventually led to us breaking up (well, that and a move out of state). Her reveal occurred two years after we had gotten back together. And in those two years zero red flags, zero concerns, zero suspicions. But if she had not told me I would have never known. She could've taken it to her grave. No one knew but her. What effect that had most of you have experienced but it also caused me to really evaluate our relationship. From the inside-out. I discovered that I really love her. And I really love her even more now!. Will I ever trust her so completely? Nope, but complete trust might be a bit overblown. But we are building trust every day. She answers all of my questions even the ones I've already asked. We still fight but even our fights are better. More focused on the issue and less name-calling. Thanks for listening. Peace to all.

steadychevy posted 8/18/2017 21:28 PM

I should have been in this forum a long time ago. I never checked in. It was 7 years after the adultery - the physical part - was over that I found out for sure. While it was going on I was suspicious for a little while but never got any proof. I have many regrets from that time. I didn't trust my gut. I allowed my heart and head over rule my gut. I didn't hire a PI. By not doing so I greased the skids for the PA to go on for 3 years.

What plagues me is all the signs I should have read and rug swept. The things I should have done and didn't.

Just blowing steam. Angry with self (again).

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