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For Those Who Found Out Years Later

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Impacted posted 3/29/2017 22:48 PM

Old wounds and iamanidiot thanks for the talks. I am still too angry. I only found out in November. Maybe the anger will go away but at this point it can't because I don't believe he has told me the whole truth.
I am glad to know I might be able to forgive and move forward. I love my husband........and I do believe he loves me.
He seemed to think I would find relief when he told me obviously he wanted to be with me otherwise he would have made other choices. Oh my gosh.
At same time I regret spending so much time digging and thinking about this.

iamanidiot posted 3/30/2017 02:31 AM

Impacted

I regret spending so much time digging and thinking about this.
Please try not to rugsweep. My WS spilled the beans and we both felt that it was everything. But as the days afterwards turned into months and lots of talking between us opened up new questions, there were more revelations that came to light. Not exactly TT, but there you go.
We both had to understand events that were long forgotten and accept what happened in order to go forward.
It is not just on you.

Ultimately your spouse must make amends. You need to feel secure in your marriage with him. And that you trust what he says.

Oldwounds posted 4/3/2017 11:36 AM

He seemed to think I would find relief when he told me obviously he wanted to be with me otherwise he would have made other choices.

Impacted -- if there is such a thing as a silver lining in all of this Hell of infidelity, is that for those of us who found out later, they did choose to stay with us.

It doesn't make it right or easy, but it is interesting to me. In our situation, she could have weaponized the affair along the way -- but she always knew how much it would hurt and thus, held on to the secret for such a long time.

And aim is right, it is good to dig at this so you can finally process it. I'm glad I know. I'm glad we're finally building an authentic relationship.

I'm not glad it happened. But trying to make the most of the opportunity that this crisis is presenting us.

Nvrgsawy posted 5/27/2017 18:24 PM

I've always though she did choose me over her AP, but she also made the choice for me to live with a cheat. Finding out years later is different from finding out in real time. There is so much more life invested in the time between the A and DDay. By not knowing I've unwillingly alowed myself to stay with her without knowing. It's a very tough spot to be in.

Impacted posted 5/28/2017 10:47 AM

It sure is. Because the biggest thing for me is we know they lied for years and years to us.
I am trying to figure out how to believe anything he says.

Nvrgsawy posted 5/28/2017 12:18 PM

They can't see how they changed the hole dinamics of our marriage. I can never look at our past the same way again.

Impacted posted 5/28/2017 20:23 PM

Nope. I can't either. Weird to say but I really thought we had a great marriage and so many would tell you the same. I was just in the dark

iamanidiot posted 5/29/2017 04:34 AM

Impacted & Nvrgsawy & All TWFOYL. I could not agree more.

made the choice for me to live with a cheat.
thought we had a great marriage and so many would tell you the same
we know they lied for years and years to us.
I am trying to figure out how to believe anything he says.
I can never look at our past the same way again.

For me, Like the rest of TWFOYL, I have had a shit load of emotions, thoughts, anger and acceptance to work through since DDay.

We landed up here because they CHOSE to cheat on us. If we somehow looked the other way, or if we were blind to what they were doing - it is because we loved and trusted them.

steadychevy posted 5/29/2017 06:20 AM

The truth of my WW is that she didn't choose to stay with me. She was never going to leave me in the first place. She had an LTA with a COW and was never going to move in with him. She told him so, I find out now. She cheated on me before marriage including 7 weeks before our wedding, too, and married me anyway. It was 7 years after the PA ended, according to her and confirmed by a polygraph, when I found out.

Ditto to iamanidiot's last post with emphasis.

Impacted posted 5/29/2017 08:55 AM

steadychevy it seems like you have had to deal with a lot. Are you glad you did the polygraph? Did she lie to you right up to the day she took it? I go up and down on deciding if I should go do it. It seems like a lot of money for something that may or may not work but if it gives me peace of mind it will be worth that and so much more but I just wonder if I will still have questions afterwards. For all of us FTWFOYL how long till the trickle truth stopped? I am going into 6 months and still bits coming out.

sickofsurviving posted 5/29/2017 09:22 AM

Finding out years later is a special kind of mind fuck, isn't it?

I go back and forth with the poly. A WS commented that he passed on a question he shouldn't have, so... I don't hope for a parking lot confession. Mostly, because he's on here.

Do I have the "truth"? Sure. Lots of them. The problem is, they changed so many times, I don't believe any of them. And, because it was so long ago (supposedly), I can't verify with phone records and such. Besides, she's his cousin. He NEVER stopped contact with her. Not til D-day.

I'm almost 2 years out. Things are a tiny bit better. Not my M so much. But me. I don't trust my judgment on anything. Hell, I can't even make a decision about what to have for dinner. I'm sad. Brutally sad most days.

I still have so very far to go. I hate that most of all. I miss me.

[This message edited by sickofsurviving at 9:23 AM, May 29th (Monday)]

steadychevy posted 5/29/2017 16:19 PM

Impacted, I am glad I had the poly done. It was a little over $600 up here in northern Alberta, Canada and an hour and a half drive from the ranch. They only allow 3 or 4 questions which cannot be ambiguous and can only be answered with a yes or no response. The examiner set up the questions and reviewed them with me and my WW so there was no misunderstanding to any terminology. The examination is quite intense so only the limited questions and more reduces the accuracy. Some people can beat the poly but still worth it, IMO. The examiner left the room and, in addition to reworking the questions, was watching my WW for body language, etc. while his assistant was talking and agitating her a little. I don't know he was observing but think the large mirror in the room was probably a one way. I do still have questions because of the limited number of questions allowed.

My WW didn't lie right up to the poly. She didn't answer much either though. There was too much TT. I'd ask a question and get a certain answer and ask it in a different way and get new info. I accused her that I needed to be a prosecuting attorney and the question needed to be precisely exact or she wouldn't answer with any other info and then would say - well you didn't ask that. I get mostly IDK, ICR, I don't what I was feeling when...., I don't know what I was thinking when... But no effort to work on it and figure out an answer. IDK was supposed to cover it, I guess. She didn't even try. I know that if she work on some details that memory would trigger other memories. She's done it before.

I asked for a timeline 3 or 4 months after DDay1. I had created one with the facts I had at my disposal. I wanted her to flesh it out. I told her what I needed. She started on it but only using information I had provided. Then quit. A year later I wrote out the minimum I needed to consider R which I had provided verbally and which included the timeline. A year later I wrote it out again because not a fucking thing had happened.

My WW just carries on like it will all magically disappear and her life will continue to be wonderful. Now it's too late. I'm a slow learner, I guess. But it's over. I need her to move out because I live on a fairly isolated ranch and I live where I work. I need to do things with the cows daily. I can't file for D until she leaves and we separate. Another kick in the nuts is that because I didn't kick her out immediately on finding out or move out myself I condoned the adultery says the law of the land.

Sorry for going on and on, Impacted. I get that way when I get agitated. And it is a mind fuck, sickofsurviving. I miss me, too. I'm not the same and I'm not very nice.

RunningLowNow posted 5/29/2017 22:00 PM

Canada is just a tough place to get a divorce. Somehow being fair to all concerned is just plain unfair way too often.

iamanidiot posted 5/30/2017 02:30 AM

sickofsurviving

Finding out years later is a special kind of mind fuck, isn't it?
Yep!
You are SO right.
Most eloquently put.

Impacted posted 5/30/2017 12:23 PM

Funny, I am in Canada too---Ontario though.
I am sorry thinks are not getting better steadychevy. I think you are doing the right thing though on not allowing this to continue with her feeling she can just do what she wants without considering your feelings.

[This message edited by Impacted at 12:24 PM, May 30th (Tuesday)]

sparky762 posted 5/30/2017 22:30 PM

Sorry for everyone on this site.....it truly is sad.

Today is our anniversary, and look where I am. My WW had her A with her boss 3 years into our marriage, I found out through a confession after years of me asking questions. 7 years later and 3 children later. I think we all have similar and yet unique stories. The crux of mine is the first night they slept together is also the night my first son was conceieved. So in reality, she had only minutes to tell me before she jumped me while I was half asleep.

That one action is what haunts me still, 26 years after DD. I chose to stay at that point becuase of the children. The only solace I find now is that my children actually envy our marriage. Other than that, it has been pure torture to live like this. I'm so tired....

Impacted posted 6/4/2017 11:02 AM

sparky that is a bit depressing knowing you have stayed all these years and you are not happy. Has your wife showed remorse? Why are you so upset by your decision? It sounds as though you wish you had left the marriage?

shattered2017 posted 6/11/2017 07:33 AM

Been married 30 years. Posted on here a while back about wife telling me about affair 25 years ago. It's actually been 6 months since she told me. I had a feeling about it and she always lied to me. Finally tells me and tts me for 6 months. All I can say is the mind movies are really messing with me. Did not think she was capable of this sort of thing. We have had a pretty good marriage or so I thought. The affair lasted 6 weeks. At least that is what she told me. Had sex with him 3 times. I really don't know if I can get over this and I still love her very much. I am to embarrassed to go to a counselor or tell anybody. Heart is broken.

Shattered 2017

shattered2017 posted 6/11/2017 07:33 AM

Been married 30 years. Posted on here a while back about wife telling me about affair 25 years ago. It's actually been 6 months since she told me. I had a feeling about it and she always lied to me. Finally tells me and tts me for 6 months. All I can say is the mind movies are really messing with me. Did not think she was capable of this sort of thing. We have had a pretty good marriage or so I thought. The affair lasted 6 weeks. At least that is what she told me. Had sex with him 3 times. I really don't know if I can get over this and I still love her very much. I am to embarrassed to go to a counselor or tell anybody. Heart is broken.

Shattered 2017

sickofsurviving posted 6/11/2017 10:55 AM

I understand your pain, shattered. I found out years later, too. Only my WH never stopped talking to his AP. She is his first cousin. That was his excuse, anyway.

I thought I had an incredible story of love, and triumph over my FOO. I thought we had an amazing marriage. People commented all the time. My daughters were determined to find a love story like ours. What a joke.

He started his A with his cousin 2 years and 2 months after we married. Then spent years pretending to be a good guy. A great husband.

Because he never stopped talking to her, I don't believe for 1 minute their incest ever stopped. He looked in my face and lied for years. Even after the day he said her name. No old phones or phone records. And they moved to Facebook messenger. He didn't give her his new number. How convenient they just "had" to switch to an untraceable means of communication.

I'm obviously having a bad week. I just don't see a way forward with him, anymore.

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