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For Those Who Found Out Years Later

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ChestnutMare posted 6/22/2016 09:40 AM

I found out 23 years after the fact that my beautiful, loving, caring, born-again wife had a two-month affair with a coworker. She told me six months ago and my life, of course, was changed in an instant. I didnít sleep for three days, and when I finally did sleep, Iíd wake up to the same nightmare that wouldnít end and will never end, though now my waking hours are more like a constant bad dream that I can at least function in. She is the only woman Iíve ever loved, and the only woman Iíve been intimate with. All my eggs were in one basket, and now all I have left is a broken mess of shattered vows.
At the time of the affair, we had been married 4-1/2 years, after dating nine years. She is five years older than I. According to her, it happened suddenly; she had an erotic dream about the AP, and was suddenly extremely attracted to him. She had worked with him for a couple years and never thought anything of him, never talked to him or found him attractive. He never spoke to her either as their jobs did not have them interacting. He did always seem to go to the shared office copier whenever she was there, so he was obviously attracted to her. Anyway, the day after her dream, he comes up to her and says that he likes the way she is dressed that day. She then tells him that she had a dream about him last night. ďAn erotic dream?Ē he asks. She tells him yes. He then tells her that if she wants to fulfill her dream, heís available. She tells him sheís married and he says I donít care.
The wheels were set in motion. He was single, 26 or 27 and my wife was 35 at the time. A week or two later at the officeís regular Friday night happy hour, he invites my wife to his apartment for pizza and she accepts! She tells me she was just going to talk with him as she was attracted to him and wanted to get to know him a little. Well, of course, he moves in for the kill at the apartment, pulling out his penis and she could not resist. That first oral sex encounter led to another the next week, then to full blown intercourse every Friday after happy hour for the next couple months.
This is so hard to understand as I thought we both shared high moral and religious standards. We didnít have kids at the time, but we were open to the thought of having them. She was not using birth control and they had unprotected sex, with him pulling out at the end. I canít believe she risked pregnancy for a cheap sexual thrill!
She ended the affair and that might have been the end of the story, but she contracted a sexually transmitted virus from him, I then got it from her. It is called mollescum, and appears as warts in the pubic area. When my doctor told me it is an STD, I nearly died. He did say that wrestlers get them on other parts of their body, but in the pubic area it is an STD. I confronted her and she denied cheating on me. Said she didnít know how she got it, that her doctor said that she might have gotten it from a public pool/gym. She said that if she had done what I accused her of, that if she wanted it to continue, she wouldnít sill be with me, blah, blah, blah, but nothing happened. I didnít fully believe her, but what could I do? I loved her and didnít want to lose what we had.
Fast forward 23 years, and she tells me she needs to confess something. She tells me she fantasized about a coworker years ago, that it was adultery, because there was lust, yet no sex. Over the next few weeks I started to press her for the truth, because I sensed something was not right. She finally looked at me one night with cold eyes and said ďI did it, I had an affair.Ē I was completely blown away and could not believe what I had just heard. I didnít want to believe, and now I realize I didnít want to believe for 23 years.
She has since tearfully asked for forgiveness, told me how ashamed she was and how she did not want to hurt me with the truth for all these years. I have forgiven her, but the road to R is the hardest thing I have ever done. I still donít know if I can stay. Life can be cruel, so cruel sometimes.

MAJDeath posted 7/11/2016 18:38 PM

I finally received the full truth from my WW in June 2015, about relationships with OM from 2001-2004. I knew a little about 2 of them but not the other 2. Blew me away for a couple days until I could process it.

sickofsurviving posted 7/18/2016 03:53 AM

I guess I belong here too. In 2 weeks it will be 1 year since I found out about my WH sexting affair with his cousin. Supposedly the sexting stopped in 2008, but he continued contact with her until I found out. Facebook mostly. I am absolutely a mess still. I feel like my whole life is a lie. Never-mind the gross factor. I am still so lostlost and confused. He has not been helpful at all. He is still very defensive. I would be too if I did something that sick. I am stuck in this anger, and can't seem to get past it. It's 4:00 am, I'm laying here wide awake, and he's just snoring away. I just have no idea how to deal with all this pain. I don't know. I'm just rambling. I'm lonely, scared, hurt...mostly, I'm lost. Sorry if this makes little sense. I just had to get some of it out.

steadychevy posted 7/18/2016 10:03 AM

I haven't come to this thread before. Too busy with other ones. I, too, found out for sure years later. Latest adultery was from 2002 to 2006, supposedly. DDay 1 was on September 1, 2013 which was about the latest adultery. The other DDay's were all different men from before we were married but engaged (one was before engagement but after talking serious). I also found out about 20+ other guys from before we started going out - some ONS and some multiple times. Many married or in "committed relationships", if you can call it that.

I tell you this, ChestnutMare, to illustrate that I understand and that there are others out here in cyberland that have had the same nightmare. I overlooked, rugswept, made excuses, blieved her lies when they didn't really make sense. I didn't fully believe my WW, either, but I loved her and she wouldn't lie to me, would she? My WW is the only woman I have loved, siad "I love you" to, and been intimite with. She is my one and only on many levels. She is not the first woman I kissed but is the last and the only one since starting to date.

The level of hypocrisy, the continued lies, living a lie and deceipt is overwhelming. There isn't a question in my mind that the dark shadow in the corner, elephant in the room affected my whole marriage and yours, too, I expect. My WW was very involved with the church when she was committing adultery and since when she was living a lie - miniserial search committee, church joint needs assessment committee with 4 other churches, supporting humanitarian initiatives, etc.

I do have some trouble with a statement from her that you relayed here, ChestnutMare. She didn't tell you because she was concerned about hurting you with the truth. Lies hurt far more that the truth. Continued lies over an extended period of time pile it on. Lies by ommission are still lies, partial truths cover up or give lies credence. And the reality is that most WS lie to protect themselves not the person they are lying to. My WW also told me very matter a factly that, yes she committed adultery from 2002 to 2006 with a COW - like it was so long ago so it almost shouldn't even count anymore.

I'm so sorry you are here. I so wish I didn't know about SI because I had no need to know and my life was exactly the same as my fantasy about it. But it isn't. And, so SI is a great place to be. I wish I had found it in 2003 when it seemed something was very wrong. All adultery, every form, is so destructive to the victim of it. From my biased perspective LTAs are particulary heinous and those that are covered up for years compound that. I feel my whole marriage is based on lies. All 39 years of it.

Olivetree posted 7/18/2016 16:42 PM

ChestnutMare - I just read your post and wondered how you were doing? To find out 23 years later is just mind blowing. I wonder what prompted her to confess? Is she truly remorseful, or are her worries lessened now that the truth is out? Hope you are getting the support you need.

I found out that my H had had a five-month EA just as it was ending. That was 2009. I found out last September (through a bizarre twist of fate) that it had in fact been a PA. It's been tough to say the least. 6.5 yrs of false R.

ChestnutMare posted 7/19/2016 15:33 PM

Olivetree and Chevy,

I am surviving, but not thriving, of course. So much to process. Some days I can barely look at her, other days I want to hold her and forgive and move on, together. I am trying to make the best of a no-win situation. She lied to protect herself, to maintain status quo, but I do believe she knew I'd would have been devastated and probably would have left her, had I known the full disgusting thruth. So, we both sort of accepted the lie and tried to make a go of it. We have had a pretty good run since then, but there was that evil elephant in the room. We can only move forward, and can't dwell on the "what ifs." That is no way to live.

[This message edited by ChestnutMare at 3:35 PM, July 19th (Tuesday)]

ivehadit01 posted 7/19/2016 16:17 PM

steadychevy , your story is really heartbreaking , did you divorce ? Are you still with her?

steadychevy posted 7/20/2016 16:52 PM

It is heartbreaking, ivehadit. Even more so when I consider the things I didn't do.

We are still together but on very shaky ground. I'm prepared to file for D. I have the legal forms. I can't file stating adultery as a cause and get a quick D. Since I didn't kick WW out immediately I am considered to have condoned the adultery by the law. Therefore, there needs to be separation of one year and then the slow process of finalizing.

I found out for sure that WW committed adultery from 2002 to 2006 (supposedly) on September 1, 2013. The pre-marriage stuff I found out later. When I found out I was unable to think coherently. I didn't sleep for days, couldn't swallow solid food, puked all over the yard on the ranch (just bile and fluid). I attempted suicide. I don't ever remember being depressed in my life - down and sad accassionally but not depressed. I don't think it was depression but that I couldn't escape the excruciating pain.

When I gained some semblance of rational thought I followed my own advice given over many years of not making major decisions while in an emotional state. I decided to give it a year and was hoping to R even though I had told my WW before her adultery that adultery was a deal breaker for me. It was something I couldn't forgive.

I provided my WW verbally what I needed to consider R and when that didn't seem to sink in I provided a written list of what I required to consider R and repeated the list again a year later (in 2016). None of it has been done. Feeble attemps at part of it (the timeline) then set it aside and ignore it.

During the time since the last DDay I have had a number of grandchildren born including a set of twins this spring. I didn't want to cause any stress on my daughters while they were pregnant. The demeanor of the mother, stress levels and anxiety can profoundly affect unborn infants and I didn't want that.

Now my youngest daughter (age 32) is marrying this fall. I told my WW that I want her moved out this summer so I can begin to get closure. She is dragging her heels because she doesn't want to put a cloud over daughters wedding (didn't matter that daughters were in university while she was fucking COW).

In some ways I regret the time I've wasted. In other ways I don't. I feel I have been more than patient. I fell I've been very clear about what my minimum requirements are to consider R. I feel I can look at myself in the mirror and know that I've done more than could be reasonably expected. I have also drawn lines in the sand and when they were ignored and disrespected I drew new ones. For that I'm unhappy with myself.

So, ivehadit, we are still together and not divorced. And 60% of my life is not what I thought was. There will be no 50th anniversary for me (we went to my Aunt and Uncles 65th anniversary last summer - lives to celebrate).

[This message edited by steadychevy at 8:41 AM, July 21st (Thursday)]

Snowbird posted 7/20/2016 19:51 PM

Bobbie.... I can so relate to your situation! I thought I was alone in not knowing for so long. Short history.. DDAY almost three years ago. Then married 48 yrs. Then Found out three yrs ago he was having affair with bartender at bar where he has hung out for years. I never knew. It went on for 18 years! I never knew nor suspected. I thought he was the most unlikely person to ever stray. Not really social. Kind of a loner. He went thru a midlife crisis and moved out for a year. Continued to go to the bar. He seemed to find himself and moved back home. I figured I'd give him the year to get it together before I moved on. And I loved him. He settled in and life went on. I thought we were doing fine. Found an email three yrs ago and confronted him. Seems he started the affair the year we got back together! When I found out it went on so long I felt robbed of my life and my memories. All those 18 yrs we had grandkids and went on vacations and retired and seemed to have a good life he was seeing her. I was shocked! I kept thinking if I'd known sooner I would have made a different decision. I could have had a chance to build a life with someone else or on my own.
Given we'd been together so long we decided to try and reconcile. I've always loved him and never thought he would do something like that. He loves me. Went to MC and IC for almost two years. Sometimes three times a week. I have a good idea why it went on so long. When I found out he ended it immediately. There has been NC since. We've come a long way. He is remorseful. He has learned a lot about himself and made many changes. In many ways we are stronger than we were before. Slowly I have been able to get through the days and return to some sort of normalcy. My question is this: do the mind movies ever stop? I still find myself triggering often. With 18 years of him seeing her, every memory, every milestone is tainted with visions of what he was doing then. We even moved out of state, leaving children and grandchildren behind because I couldn't handle worrying about where he was every minute he was out. I'm learning to trust again becaus he has been supportive and dedicated to making things right. But I still have flashbacks of the day I found out. I imagine him with the OW. regaining sexual activity has been a struggle. I watch him with every unattached woman around. I relive conversations in my mind and even have conversations that didn't even occur. I feel obsessed at times. Everything seems to trigger me. When I say we are doing better, even well, that's true.... He is doing nothing to create suspicion and has done everything I've asked. Been truthful. I know that I need to move forward. I want to. I'm only hurting myself by
staying bogged down by my thoughts. Yet I can't seem to stop the obsessive thoughts. Does it ever end? How long does it take? What have you tried or done successfully to help get through these times?
as still working and had a career then. Given we'd been together so long we decided to try and reconcile. I've always loved him and never thought he would do something like that. He loves me. Went to MC and IC for almost two years. Sometimes three times a week. I have a great of idea WH it went on so long. When I found out he end d it immediately. There has been NC since. We've come a long way. He is remorseful. He has learned a lot about himself and made many changes. In many ways we are stronger than we were before. Slowly I have been able to get through the days and return to some sort of normalcy. My question is this: do the mind movies ever stop? I still find myself triggering often. With 18 years of him seeing her, every memory, every milestone is tainted with visions of what he was doing then. We even moved out of state, leaving children and grandchildren behind because I couldn't handle worrying about where he was every minute he was out. I'm learning to trust again becaus he has been supportive and dedicated to making things right. But I still have flashbacks of the day I found out. I imagine him with the OW. regaining sexual activity has been a struggle. I watch him with every unattached woman around. I relive conversations in my mind and even have conversations that didn't even occur. I feel obsessed at times. Everything seems to trigger me. When I say we are doing better, even well, that's true.... He is doing nothing to create suspicion and has done everything I've asked. Been truthful. I know that I need to move forward. I want to. I'm only hurting myself by
staying bogged down by my thoughts. Yet I can't seem to stop the obsessive thoughts. Does it ever end? How long does it take? What have you tried or done successfully to help get through these times?

[This message edited by Snowbird at 8:37 PM, July 20th (Wednesday)]

Jenny76 posted 7/23/2016 23:01 PM

I just found out a few days ago my hisband had a facebook I didnt know about. A Facebook he only established to use the messenger to have private conversations with women. This was almost six years ago. He had explicit conversations with a woman he has been friends with, without my knowledge, for years. And another with a coworker of his. Although he says he has never taken anything to the physical stage, Im so heartbroken. He initiated these conversations the year his parents died in a carwreck. We have been married, I thought happily, for 17 years. He is so embarressed, and apologetic. Says he felt I wasnt ther for him intimately at the time...how do I forgive him? I love him so much, I know he loves me. He always has, he just went tnrough something...and made some bad choices. Anyone catch a spouse or partner sexting other people. How do you get through it?

crossroads2010 posted 7/30/2016 07:48 AM

Jenny,

You don't get through it really...you learn to live with it. Not meaning you don't deal with it...you have to deal with the trust issues, the pain, etc. I am 6 years past finding the emails, fb acct, and all. First, you need to have access to everything...he needs to give you total transparency. He may not do that right away...there may be more that you don't know. A good IC can help you work through it all. it will get better, but it takes time.

Jt16si posted 8/1/2016 08:12 AM

I found out in Feb 2016 about my WH A with COW which lasted from 2009 to october 2014. For those of you who've shared here, do you get past it? Can we reconcile? Its so old to him but it rips my heart out again every day.

How lucky (??) are we that it was over before we found out?

We got into such a horrible rut the past few years since it ended but before I knew... I suspected, which made me mad and sad and angry ...I turned into a bitch. Now that he confessed I'm still mad and sad and angry and faced with serious decisions I didn't have to face when I didn't know for sure.

I want him to love me. Not sure he can love me enough to get through this

steadychevy posted 8/2/2016 08:51 AM

I'm sorry you are here, Jt16, but given our circumstances it is a wonderful community to join. I just wish I had no need for it. Don't we all.

My WW also committed adultery with a COW for 4 years. No hard evidence because all communication between them was at work and work channels. They travelled together for work with many overnights. His place was 5 minutes from their office - convenient for nooners and after work quickies. I was suspicious because of her behaviour but it was always denied, swore before God, gaslighted, manipulated, lies, lies and more lies. But it was probably work stress from a very large project my WW was responsible for and things got better between us after the project was over. And she fucked COW POS for 2+ more years. Then it was 7 years later my suspicians from back then were confirmed.

IMO it would have been better to have discovered the adultery while it was going on and used shock and awe to blow up the fantasy. IMO that would have had a far bigger impact on WW than having to confess long after it was over. JMO.

Can we reconcile? I don't know. The jury (me) is still out but is close to a final negative decision. It still comes down to what happens after DDay. What does the WS do - actions speak louder than words and inaction speak even louder. My WW was very defensive and accusatory (is that a word) after DDay. Used anger. She was not even close to remorseful for a long time. She has not done any of the things I have asked for and provided in written form to her.

Can we reconcile? A lot depends on the WS but even then will it ever be enough? No answer Jt16. I'm still struggling with that myself.

Oldwounds posted 8/4/2016 16:45 PM

[Repost from Just Found Out forum as this thread is more in the I Can Relate zone]

I think I voted myself least likely to ever post in a forum specialized in the discussion of unfaithful partners. As it turns out, I was wrong about a lot of things.

I am still learning the acronyms and terminology, but my dday was June 14th. So, around seven weeks. I have been reading these forums for about a month. Thanks to a lot of you year in advance, your stories have made me feel a bit more sane along the way.

All of our stories are both unique and similar. My circumstances are a little odd compared to a lot of what I have read here so far. My WW had her near six year LTA earlier in our marriage with a coworker.

Thus, my choice of username, I'm dealing with some old wounds that feel brand new.

I knew the guy. We had dinner with his family. They were 'just friends' and while I had very strong suspicions, I was always willing to believe her when she said nothing was going on. She had FOO, she had postpartum depression, she was pregnant with our youngest son when it started. She was only 25 at the time - we had been married just 5-years at that point, and with all those emotions and hormones, the coworker who was 7-years older than her took full advantage of her vulnerability and lack of coping skills.

That said, it may have started as a manipulation, but it ended with her not wanting it to end. Three torrid years where they gathered in my home after I went to work - almost every weekend. One year where AP was 'trying' to end it, she talked him back in for a very short time. Two years after he dumped her, he came back to start up again, they kissed, had a secret meeting, but she finally turned him down. A couple years of him trying to keep up phone contact, but she chose her family, our sons mainly and the marriage continued.

Emotionally, she retreated into a shell and I got the obligated person who pretty much blamed me for something I didn't even know had happened. This went on for about 5-years before she said she wanted a divorce in 2011. I asked to at least know why, so we went to MC. She didn't fully explain why she was angry, however, during the counseling she learned how much I still loved her and we learned to open up and start rebuilding us.

I still always felt like she was still not all in - information was missing. The pattern of her getting close to coworkers seemed like it was inside our boundaries. And then she said she was ready to tell me what happened.

In the seven weeks since, discovering you are not who you thought you were or that your relationship was not what I thought it was -- well, most of you here know.

Unfortunately, she has answered all of my questions. It was quite the affair. Six years in all and then it messed up the next decade.

She is all in now. We are both in IC and MC and she is totally tuned in to my pain, trying to put up with my constant mood swings and being the person who I thought I married in the first place.

However, that doesn't make the pain vanish.

I know I am supposed to take my time on this, but I am already in R mode. I know people will push back on this. She chose horribly, but she chose to stay in each instance when it would have been easier to quit. She had a tough life, did some things I would have never considered -- and yet, I love her as much as ever.

My esteem with her is hurt, but I'm certain if I chose to move on, I could find someone else. That isn't what I signed up for.

The trust issues, boundaries, will have to be rebuilt for sure. This pain and these nearly two months of nightmare visions replaying their time together are incredibly draining. However, I've read some amazing posts here regarding perseverance -- whether they are in R mode or moving on. Grief is brutal. I've survived grief in other circumstances, I can survive this.

Thanks for listening (well, thanks for reading).

Oldwounds

Male500 posted 8/31/2016 23:47 PM

Steadychevy- you said you had a list of things she needed to do, did she do any and did it help you cope better or trust more,

my wife's Affairs ( which I found out about 10/23/15 were like from August to November of 2007 with 5 different men, one coworker, old boyfriend and 3 other no names as I told right now, says she can't recall 2 of the no names or one night stands, which I still feel a need to know,and she says she can't recall, I feel thiers more to know and she says thiers not, but I do think she believes she's protecting me and why would I want to know that I'll just hate her more... , so short of getting a poly at some point, I basically said time is runing out I need to know all , and that if thier is more times or other people and that all this stuff went on longer than what you've said I'm done. That if I find out later from others or her it's over

steadychevy posted 9/1/2016 08:24 AM

Male500, she hasn't done any of the items on the list. The main item is a timeline. She has started it but it is mostly based on what I provided when I went into heavy research during sleepless nights soon after DDay.

The list was required for me to consider R. The fact that she hasn't done it has made matters much worse and our marriage is hanging on by it's finger nails. I've told her that Rome is burning and she is playing the violin. I don't think it's because she doesn't want to do it but just can't step up to the plate.

Actions speak louder than words and inaction speaks even louder.

MaryG posted 9/3/2016 15:45 PM

I now think that XWH has always had his whores; if he hadn't got careless and left his sex toys in my home, I guess I'd never have found out. He was quite happy to carry on with the charade just to maintain his image as a good husband, father, Rotarian and Freemason. He is, btw, none of the above.

iamanidiot posted 9/6/2016 02:22 AM

steadychevy said :

she hasn't done any of the items on the list. The main item is a timeline. She has started it but it is mostly based on what I provided
and
IMO it would have been better to have discovered the adultery while it was going on and used shock and awe to blow up the fantasy. IMO that would have had a far bigger impact on WW than having to confess long after it was over.

Finding out about adultery, the BS is left with a shitload. A shit load of indescribable hurt, devastation, anger, frustration. Their world implodes.
When the BS finds out AFTERWARDS, (ie after the fact, after the deeds are done, when the WS has moved on, the next day, next month or even years later) it is so much worse because those explosive feelings have nowhere to go. The hurt cannot heel - the time for that is past. The anger seethes, because the opportunity to heal it, was long ago and that time was stolen away.

I also had to work out the timeline. Because my wayward was in a FOG and living for the moment. She cannot put times to places or events. Does not know what came first. like "maybe I did B before A" "I can't remember." Really?? But I can. I asked you this and you replied that. I can tell you who, what, where, when.

It would have been great if I had KNOWN then. I could have exploded every-body's world (now it is just my own). I could have moved on. I might even have had a chance at a different life, with a different spouse, different parents-in-law, different children. Who knows? Instead I have had 30 odd years with the mantle of suspicion hanging over our marriage.

Aside: I actually visited her work and walked in on her & the COW. From the next room they looked close together, by the time I entered the room they had bounced apart. In my mind, one and one just never added up to two! How we fool ourselves!

How I miss that opportunity to have had my moment to blow up their stolen moments with Shock and Awe !!

Oldwounds posted 9/12/2016 14:59 PM

When the BS finds out AFTERWARDS, (ie after the fact, after the deeds are done, when the WS has moved on, the next day, next month or even years later) it is so much worse because those explosive feelings have nowhere to go. The hurt cannot heel - the time for that is past. The anger seethes, because the opportunity to heal it, was long ago and that time was stolen away.

I'm not sure I can completely agree with you on this Iam - Years later has nothing to do with the emotions we have a right to feel and deal with now. For us, it doesn't matter how many years ago, obviously for me and you, the pain is very much in the now.

And you should vent that exact way, no seething underneath, make sure (if you haven't already) she understands your pain in every way. Make sure she understands she had the time to emotionally recover/rebuild over those years but you have NOT.

For me, it is like this stuff just happened. NC for a few years does help, I have no immediate existential threats to deal with like others who are dealing with a real time A - but my pain is just the same if not WORSE because of all the lies to preserve her A for decades!

It would have been great if I had KNOWN then. I could have exploded every-body's world (now it is just my own). I could have moved on. I might even have had a chance at a different life, with a different spouse, different parents-in-law, different children. Who knows? Instead I have had 30 odd years with the mantle of suspicion hanging over our marriage.

It is tough for me to say how I would have reacted in real time - our kids were very young then. I think I would have moved to keep my family together at the time. I generally lean toward a 'no regrets' take on life. And I'm sorry my wife made the choice she did. But I have always loved her, and based on how she is reacting to my real time pain, I think we have a real shot.

But I don't let her play the "get over it" card at all. My pain is now, she feels it, regrets it and is helping to heal us.

iamanidiot posted 9/13/2016 08:21 AM

Exactly. We have to deal NOW with the lying & cheating that happened THEN - so many years ago. 90% of the time I manage to move on. But sometimes when I think, then I just want to scream and shout. I need to get rid of that anger somehow. I need to stop thinking.
Telling herself 'move on' or 'get over it' and 'it was sooo long ago' has been her way to go forward. That is what she had to do after her rape at a young age with no parental support.
But telling me to do that just pushes me more into that space where I don't do well.
I take full responsibility for everything I ever did.
But I didn't do this. And I have to work through it.

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