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Emotional Affairs

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Undefinabl3 posted 1/13/2018 15:35 PM

I started to ask more questions. I found out one of the EAs has been on and off for years

Years

I think i may have found my moment.

I am so scared.

sassylee posted 1/13/2018 15:48 PM

It is scary. For each person, its individual when enough is enough. Change is scary. A lot of our fears are unfounded though. See an attorney. It will give you a better idea of what your future reality will look like. Then youíll be in a better position to devote energy fearing whats real than fearing whatís not.

shopaula posted 1/14/2018 19:53 PM

Undefinabl3

going to a lawyer wouldn't be a bad idea, at least you will know where you stand legally...

I can't even imagine how frustrated and hurt you must be right now... I have only had to deal with this once, and I'm still having issues with it after a couple of years...

Hang in there...give yourself a couple of days to figure things out. If he is answering your questions, keep asking them. Could help with what you need to do for YOURSELF, and what is going to make YOU happy...

Undefinabl3 posted 1/16/2018 14:51 PM

So, we had a good day Yesterday, but when we got home we were really tired (He works nights and had not been to bed yet). I was ok with laying down with him and just having that closeness part of intimacy. Then he tried to feel me up and I blocked him. He got really cold, rolled over and didn't speak to me. Then later, he got really pissed off about the dishes not being done...so he didn't talk to me the rest of the night.

I don't think that his attitude towards me will ever change. He will always feel that if I don't behave the way that he wants me to it will give him justification to cheat on me again.

I don't know how to tell him. I don't know how it all goes down. I have no idea how he will take it because he doesn't like to 'lose'. I don't fear for my safety, more like, i fear he will become absolutely uncommunicative and that it will get 1000 times worse.

alwayslessme posted 1/28/2018 16:28 PM

I find myself between angry and sad most of the time. My DD was Dec 10, 2017. My H came back from visiting his mothers fam and conducting "business" re: his dads estate. Apparently spending time with his 25yr old female cousin (though he had 4 there)for 17days made him fall in love with her and out of love with me. The last before that was when he was 16 and she 6. I found out after looking in his phone for the 1st time because of my intuition. H lied about everything. Trying to R, but its impossible when he hasnt been honest about everything. His mom is now against me because I brought up D even though he is the WS. Shes been avoiding me, and so avoiding my 6yr old who hasnt seen her since Nov. Now she needs HIM to give money to send there for he doesnt know what. Sure he doesnt. I dont think I can R. Time to leap out on faith

litost posted 2/7/2018 21:30 PM

Hello. I wonder if anyone is still here. My ex (together 17 years) had an emotional affair with a mutual friend. She was pretty, much younger, uneducated, and had a history of destructive behavior including repeated cheating (which led to the end of her last relationship). After she broke up with a dear friend, my ex starting confiding his deepest feelings to her, including things he did not share with me. His communications with her were hidden and I never saw them. He started dressing how she liked and listening to the music she recommended to him. He even went across the country to visit her, alone, although I pleaded with him not to do it. The worst part was when he took her to a place that had been very special to us, and then told me how much fun they'd had because she was so "reckless".

Ultimately, he created a separate social media account and added only her, which I did find out about by accident. I was furious and made him move out. He was completely remorseless about his relationship with her. Even worse, he gas-lighted me into feeling like I was the terrible one because he "had so few friends" and I'd cruelly asked him to stop talking to her. Early on, I point blank asked him if he was cheating on me by seeing her on business trips, and he simply froze and refused to answer at all. He never admitted anything. His affair was emotional for certain and could have been physical as well, although he covered his crappy tracks.

Long story short, my ex destroyed my self-esteem and ability to trust. We divorced. It's been almost 18 months since my heart broke, and I still miss what used to be every day. Of course, there was more to our marriage and I made mistakes too. But I never got any answers about his betrayal. He still talks to her, buys her gifts, and maintains that it is innocent. After over a decade of giving him all the love I had, I was not enough and got tossed away. He resented having any responsibility for my happiness, and my suffering was an inconvenience to him at best. He stopped loving me so abruptly and so completely that I can't comprehend it.

In truth... I don't know how to be at peace with something like this. I never knew it was possible to be so angry, or to feel so unlovable and worthless. I go back and forth between complete numbness and overwhelming grief. The future I planned for my entire adult life was stolen from me, I could not control it, and I don't know why I couldn't make things better. I tried as hard as I could. I don't even have children to show for all this heartache. Please, can someone who understands offer help or advice?

[This message edited by litost at 10:02 PM, February 7th (Wednesday)]

lostinwy posted 2/14/2018 14:50 PM

litost: read the healing library, get some counseling. You can do this and move on. We are all scarred by what happened to us. I have good days and bad days. Here's to better days ahead for you.

jo68 posted 2/20/2018 22:28 PM

My WW had a 9 y ar long EA. It eventually became somewhat physical with sex acts. The Iloveyous, soul mate connections, abound, sexting and short and sometimes hot meetings, etc.

Dday he saw the light. since then shes attempted contact through different avenues. She was blocked on whatsapp and email which was their usual mode of communication. She changed her cell number twice since. He has sent a very clear no contact email. He has also since then ignored (and shared) every contact she's made.

Its been 14 months since Dday. 2Weeks ago she sent a flirty, come hither pic via google pics. initially I handled it well enough. Since then tho mind is a minefield of thoughts and emotionally im back where I was at discovery. Bruised and angry and confused all at once. im thinking what promises were made to this woman that she simply wont give up? what has her so convinced that she must continue attempts at contact? Its as if she believes that I'm controlling or forcing him and controlling all avenues of contact and that if she just finds the right one, private enough, secret and separate enough, that he'll relent.

help me please. I really thought I was moving forward. this latest pic has me wondering whether or not we'll survive this

sassylee posted 2/20/2018 22:37 PM

Itís not unheard of...to have the OW reaching out years later. They convince themselves that the only reason they canít be together is the mean controlling BW keeps them chained up in the basement without their phone. To admit they were thrown under the bus for the BW is too much for their fragile self esteem.

First -be sure your WH is truly NC and her attempts to contact arenít a result of him reaching out to her. Second, if it gets overwhelming and ignoring isnt working and you feel youíve given it ample time, then your husband needs to seek legal avenues to stop the harassment. A letter from a lawyer warning her that any further attempt to contact will result in harassment charges might do the trick.

Third, is she married? If yes, then you need to let her BH know. Sheíll be so busy saving her own ass, she wonít have time to indulge in her little fantasy with her AP.

Brokenbeauty posted 4/5/2018 17:13 PM

Duplicate post.

Please support this poster in JFO.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:36 AM, April 6th (Friday)]

breatheme posted 4/26/2018 13:12 PM

Why are EAs considered any differently than PAs? My wife had, what she calls an EA, for a year or two. D-day was about 2 years ago. The EA continued after D-day for another year or so, plus attendant grief that lasted for another 6-9 months. Our reconciliation was fake and now I am filing for divorce.

Does it matter that it wasn't PA? It probably was or probably had some PA components, but that aside, does it matter? Do we make excuses for our WS because it was an EA? The net result, in my case, is the same.

I'm just pondering the idea that calling it a EA is somehow an excuse, makes it easier somehow. It doesn't. It might even make it more difficult in some ways. If she just wanted sex and be done with it, maybe things would have worked better. The fact she "loved him with all her heart" doesn't seem to have made things any easier.

Breatheme

Heartbrokeness posted 4/27/2018 22:34 PM

Me too, hubby had an EA for 6 months. Why I was going through a cancer scare. Once I got the all clear, I still had to go through a serious of ops. I found out about the EA, around 40 hours after my final op. - least it took my mind of recovery. Itís 6 weeks today I found out. I feel sick as a dog. Iím presuming cyber sex still means it was an emotional affair. On our sons birthday they sent 90 emails between each other. Both were working too and my hubby is a teacher so canít be in his email all the time. He also could only email her from his obo e cause obviously the stuff they were sending to each other would of been picked up on their safety nets. Anyone else feel like they need a hat saying Iím a stupid idiot.

earlydetour posted 4/29/2018 22:23 PM

The special mindfuck that the OW in my fWH's EA wasn't just anyone, but the one woman he had a crush on that started before we began dating. He was waiting in line to see if her relationship with the guy she was dated and then married would pan out. When she told him about the problems in her 1 year old marriage, his Plan A started to look like it might become a possibility. The only glitch in his plan was that he was marrying me at the same time. I will go to my grave with the firm belief that I was always his Plan B. He never pursued me - I pursued him and he just went along with it. He never told me how much I meant to him.
Looking back at his behavior towards OW, she was the one he really loved, even if it was a crush that would not have worked out. He was pretending it would and she was flattered by the puppy dogging behavior, encouraged it for the attention it gave her and she could give a rat's ass if his behavior was affecting me and our relationship. There were red flags when I look back. At the time, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Because she was experiencing some things that I hadn't, I thought he was showing me how he would behave in general to those situations if they came up in our lives. For example, OW was in a car accident and the jaws of life was used to removed her from the car. She was never at risk of dying - broken bones and bruises were the big things. She always took a lot of risks in all parts of life. Stupid risks. We went to college together, were in the same pledge class of a co-ed frat, and continued in a social circle after college and also got jobs at the same large premier local company. I knew about her, but I didn't consider her a good friend, just another friend in the social circle, all because of how she behaved - I didn't care to become close to her. Back to the accident. She admitted to being impatient to make a left across a lot of lanes of fast moving traffic and she took a chance pulling out in front of a group of cars. Well, that didn't work out too well. If it was anyone else in my fWH's life, including me, that did the same thing, he would have pulled out all the criticism he could about it being "the most stupid thing you could ever do - why do it - why take that chance - you're an idiot for doing it". Well, for her and her only, it was "poor OW, she got hurt, we need to go to the hospital and console her". He has never gone to the hospital to visit anyone else in his life, including coworkers, except for the 2 times I birthed his children and 2 times he took me to the ER and I was admitted due to health problems. He wasn't caring about those times for me. He was so caring and concerned about her. I was a burden to him.
Same when she told him at work about her recent miscarriage and general OB/GYN issues. He was sullen when he relayed that info in the evening after work. I had to endure 5-6 weeks of him putting her on a pedestal in the evenings. The great, wonderful stuff she was doing, the most interesting opinions she had, and woe is me, all the drama in her life (probably a lot of it made up or exaggerated for - I knew her). A few days later when I woke up for work with a high fever from a sinus infection and decided to take a sick day and told him, he said "so you're playing Stay-At-Home". I didn't expect him to quit his job and stay with me and act like the end of the world. He could have just said ok, hope you feel better. He could have said he'd try calling later to see how I was feeling. No, he made fun of me using a sick day that I had earned. I made just as much money as he did - it was enough to support a household on my own. Why the attitude? I can only surmise it was because it paled in comparison to a miscarriage and he need to make fun of me and put me down because he valued her and cared about her more than me. Why was she even talking to him about her OB/GYN issues? What did that have to do with his life?
Because of his Plan A woman drawing him into her life, to make himself feel better about his feelings for her, he needed to change his feelings and attitude towards me and become negative. I suddenly became a object called "the wife", that was only needed for housekeeping, a sizable paycheck, and as a sex partner. I needed to be controlling, nasty, disagreeable, and overall a bad match. Less than 2 months into the marriage, I recall an argument about something, but what stood out was him saying "you've been treating me this way for years". Years. We dated for 4 years. We didn't live together until after the wedding. We were 2 months into the marriage. We didn't have a "bun in the oven". There was no shotgun to his head. Years. It made no sense to me why he would say that. If he had been that pissed off for "years", why did he go through the marriage recently? Why didn't he bring up the issue in premarital counseling at the church? Why didn't he bring it up at any time during our dating? At the time, he remark also didn't match what was being discussed. It was like a random hatred comment thrown into the argument. It made no sense in the context of what was going on. He didn't talk about any specific treatment - just used it to try to shutdown the argument.
Also, the more I think about it, there was no fog. He simply changed his mind about me, his Plan B, because his Plan A started to pay individual attention to him, much more than she had in the past, and mentioned that her own marriage wasn't that great - he thought he might have a chance with her.
The wonderful, special mindfuck realization that she wasn't random - she was in his mind & heart before I was. I was the disposable one. I was the one he settled for when Plan A was taken by another guy.
All the criticisms over the years, not just to me in private, but "wife/female/me in particular" bashing to anyone who would listen. He got a kick out of making his conversations with other husbands be all about sarcasm & criticism. It was how he related to them and he tried to get them ragging on their wives. Most didn't like him for that. We were dropped from many couples. Now I keep friendships with just the wives/moms and don't get into trying to socialize as couples.
No bragging about me AT ANY TIME. She was put on a pedestal. She still can do no wrong. She was perfect. She was wonderful. To him, I became just a disappointment, someone to constantly criticize. I was in the official relationship with him and I threatened to leave. He had to stop seeing this wonderful woman he had a crush on, his Plan A needed to end. He was resentful and kept paying me back for having to settle for me.
But, finally, I had a breakdown this past year. Opened up the floodgates about his EA and took off my rings. I raged at him on and off for months, including texting him while he was at work and I was home trying to make sense of what I wanted to do. I ripped him and her and their EA apart via text, so that he couldn't dispute what was actually said. I've cried almost everyday for the past 8 months, now that I've let myself really see what happened and how he has continued to rub his dissatisfaction with having to settle for me in my face.
I think he finally got it recently. He got that it really messed up how I felt about him and about his continued behaviors. These are behaviors he first showed during the EA. He kept reminding me about the EA by falling back on the same coping behaviors when he has problems and is stressed. I had health problems come to a head last year because of the underlying stress. I told him I don't think I have another 30 years to give him. I may not even have another year with the health problems. I was so sick of being his wife and told him so.
He seems to have realized it hurt me really bad and has been affecting me all these years in how I viewed his behaviors, including his reactions to life events. For her I remember him going all out and caring. For me, his anxieties kick in and he can't be the same for me. I wish I had known this so much earlier. I completely misunderstood him. He was brave and caring and protective for her. I've yet to see that willingly, unprompted from him to me. It makes me sad. I don't feel I should tell him to be protective of me - if he doesn't feel it at the moment it is needed in a situation, I can't stand there and tell him how I expect him to act. It's just not there for me, Plan B. Now, he's viewed as a partner for sex, as a paycheck (since I'm now a SAHM), and for household chores (cars, yard, etc.). You reap what you sow. Maybe he can do better now. I'm waiting. It feels like I'm going through this situation for the first time, even though it was long ago. That's rugsweeping. I decided to pull the rug.
Of course, this is the bad stuff. We had good times through the years. But when it was bad, it usually circled back to the EA and the unresolved issues he has. I reached the end of my patience.

BrainFreeze posted 7/11/2018 09:43 AM

So... why do we qualify the affair as Emotional?

My wife insists that her affair was emotional only.... but then adds that they kissed and held hands. Which makes it physical, but they didn't have sex.

I believe her version of the story... most of the time. Obviously I have doubts, I probably always will. But when my logic hat is on, and I'm not in a dark place... I can choose to believe that there was no PIV sex.

So then... why qualify it? Does it change the pain? Does it change the damage?

Why not "Dirty Picture Only" affair?
Why not an "Oral Sex Only" affair?

And if they did have full on PIV sex... then should we qualify it with the location?
In the car only affair?
Not in my bed affair?

When I talk to my wife about it... I just call it "Your affair", in my mind, to do otherwise is to lessen the severity of the offense.

Am I over thinking this? Do others feel this way?

I mean, here we are in a thread dedicated to "Emotional Affairs"...

Does it really matter that it was "only" emotional?

The pain was real...

abrokenheart2013 posted 7/11/2018 14:14 PM

BrainFreeze I totally agree with you. I keep saying that my husband had an EA and then people ask how do you know it wasn't a PA....honestly I don't, but it doesn't change anything in my book. It was betrayal of the worst kind no matter what it was. An affair is an affair...to me there is no difference.

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 7/11/2018 15:38 PM

wow, this brought me to tears reading it. I;m also a Plan B, with Plan A solidly back in the picture.

Lawyerman posted 7/11/2018 16:50 PM

My WW had a brief EA which led to 'just kissing' apparently. I struggle to believe a word. I suspected at the time and she kept the truth from me for 2 decades.

I agree, it's not the thing. I'm not sure it would hurt more if it was multiple sex or went on for 3 years back then.

It's the betrayal. They lying. The secrets that hurt the most.

A lot of people I have spoken to, including some IC / MC have said 'at least it wasn't a full blown affair'. They just don't seem to get it.

She was my one. I protect her, she protects me. That is the deal. No secrets. No lies. We open ourselves fully to each other and find something amazing.

I will not be doing that again as long as I live.

BrainFreeze posted 7/13/2018 15:11 PM

It's the betrayal. They lying. The secrets that hurt the most

Early on my wife actually said "It's as if the lying was worse than the betrayal." I said "I think it's the same thing." -- or something like that...

But yeah, the fact that they could execute such treachery is one of the many killers.

emotionalaffair1 posted 7/13/2018 15:34 PM

Early on my wife actually said "It's as if the lying was worse than the betrayal." I said "I think it's the same thing." -- or something like that...

But yeah, the fact that they could execute such treachery is one of the many killers.

Yes. For me, it's the realization that H has proven himself able to betray ... that he was willing to put another person's well-being ahead of me. That he was selfish enough to feed off of and return all her flirtations and compliments ... not even considering what that would mean to me, and choosing to ignore the red flags. It's like I was an afterthought ... like I did not even factor into the equation ... like his only concern was for himself and the OW at the time.

It's the realization that I am no longer SAFE in our marriage that makes things so painful ... it's the realization that I was never really safe to begin with because of H's desire for attention. Ignorance was bliss, I suppose. Now that my eyes are wide open, I should feel safer, but there are many times when I do not.

It will take a very long time for me to believe my H is now looking truly looking out for our marriage. Right now he's doing and saying all the right things, but part of me keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop. Years ago I would have sworn up and down that he wasn't capable of hurting me the way he did or jeopardizing our relationship. Now I can't say that about him. Maybe someday I will, but right now ... he's still somewhat emotionally dangerous in my mind. I need to see consistent behavior ... I need to see him purposefully trying NOT to "connect" or get attention from other women. I need for him to NOT make comments about other women. I need for him to NOT be the knight in shining armor with others. And I need for these things to be CONSISTENT in his life until they are habitual. He's had about six months of consistency with this, and I'm pleased with that progress and with what we're now building together, but I know it's still early on.

It's tough.

[This message edited by emotionalaffair1 at 3:35 PM, July 13th (Friday)]

BrainFreeze posted 7/13/2018 16:01 PM

it's the realization that I was never really safe to begin with because of H's desire for attention.

This is exactly why all of my walls have not come down yet....

Honestly, my wife and I are doing well now, but after so many years together, I never noticed how much attention she needed. Now I see it; and it worries me.

I wonder where we are going to end up. At the moment I think we can successfully R, but I also know that stuff changes, and we could D as well. Who knows ... I guess what I'm saying is that I'm just sitting back, watching, paying attention, and enjoying the good times as I can.


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