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Emotional Affairs

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doublestandards posted 2/26/2017 11:18 AM

I can relate to almost all of these. Ive been with my husband for over 30 years, and the last year he's been on his phone texting or typing or whatever the majority of the time. Found out and confronted hime with the knowledge of his online cybersex affair with a 36 year old pictured woman. He claims he fell in love with her. After several months of him ending it, he has not been able to. Whether addicted or truly in love I don't know. But he is still at it,...I have my ways of seeing all that they type back and forth and also have a library of pics they've sent back and forth.

The hurt is there but not as painful. What is most painful is knowing he could do that and jeaprodize our life, home, kids and family over a woman he has never met. He is not even sure if the pictures he sees of her are real. He has also sent money to her for reasons to help her.

My biggest problem now is that our family home is from my family. It is an acreaged lot in the country and nearby most of my family. At the moment I can't afford to live on my own here.

I'm torn. I feel I can live without the love as I have for the last year plus... but knowing hes still involved daily, while he denys it and lies to my face.

We both turn 60 this year, and I feel like my life is in total chaos with his online cheating. Plus our daughter just got engaged and will be getting married to her long time boyfriend next summer. I don't see how we can continue on for that long, and if we do split, the kids will know that it's because of what he's involved in online...they already suspect he is up to no good.

How can a man give up his entire life with online trash??? He won't go for counselling, and says he wants our life back together and to enjoy our later years, yet he is still totally involved with her online and says he wants to spend the rest of his life with her.

I feel like Im waiting for the bomb to drop, and when it does I have so much ammunition with a record of most of their texts/emails and pictures.

Is my home and family closeby worth living like this???

intramural posted 3/8/2017 15:06 PM

Hi All,

I am really wondering how to frame WH's LT EA to MOW (9 plus years) -was already happening when we started dating and continued through our 7 year relationship (2+ married).

I found it and stopped it.

So was it just that they never consummated their affair that it was able to go on so long as a fantasy? To me, it was almost like they were married their intimacy seemed that great. Or maybe they just knew how to support each other perfectly. WH says he didn't complain about our marriage to her, but from what I can see he very very rarely even MENTIONED me to her.

In their email they talk about how they are going to be old together. Was MOW just waiting for her husband to die or was she going to wait until her kids left home to leave her husband and try to be with WH? I am pretty sure we are going to hear from her again. She said many times in emails that she has had passionate feelings about WH for 32 years.

Another question: does intimacy trigger you all? I am feeling triggered by romance and by even cheerleading WH or having him cheerlead me (they did that for each other a lot). Is the PIST book good? I think I need more help identifying and working through my triggers.

And my last question: what about compartmentalization? My WH's mom seems abusive to me but he seems to romanticize his relationship with his mother too. It reminds me somehow of his relationship to MOW. It also appears that MOW gave WH the unconditional love and support that his mother never gave him. Sad.

Feeling particularly betrayed today...

sadwife48 posted 3/13/2017 12:50 PM

Doublestandards - I can so relate to your situation!! I'm a bit older than you - and my husband is doing something similar. It is so very difficult to live with a man who is behaving like that... I have no answers - but do have a lot of sympathy! I've been living with it for almost two years now.

SISOSIG posted 3/15/2017 07:13 AM

I don't know what to think...

D day was 3 weeks ago. I had been suspicious about my WH COW. He always denied it. And lied saying he didn't speak to her. Eventually, I asked him to see his phone and I found messages not only to her but to other COW. He was having emotional affairs. Nothing too spicy - some messages of being too excited to see them or how much they make his day better and how beautiful and wonderful they are and some that were related to their physical appearance and the way they moved. He went for drinks or breaks with one of them but he told me about it a few times. He said she was his friends and they used to moan about the other People on the office. He always said he didn't think he was going anything wrong because it was never physical. None of the messages indicate anything physical happened. 5 days after d day he comes clean with his porn addiction and that he had been having sexual thoughts towards a few women. One of them was the friend he told me about. He said they were just quick thoughts and never followed it through. And that he used to scan and analyse if he would sleep with peoe all the time. He is an SA... After reading a few posts and books he admitted that even though physical was his boundary, it would probably lead to that eventually as he found himself justifying his actions constantly.

I keep thinking there might be more. More women and maybe something physical. He said he never did anything physical. He gave me full access to passwords and accounts but I'm pretty sure if he wanted to hide something he would be able to. We've always had trackers on our phones so we always knew where the other was. He had a few occasions where he went abroad and stayed in a hotel with lots of colleagues (conferences) but most of the time we were texting and calling.

If he hadn't told me about the porn addiction and sexual thoughts towards other women I would never have found out. But I remain in fear there might be more. He has a liar brain - filters information when he speaks to me and others and leaves out key pieces of info. He is so used to doing this - it's a an automatic reaction and he actually forget to mention things. I don't know if he is genuine saying he never had anything physical, if his brain chose to forget, or if he is lying. I keep having nightmares and fears. Don't know what to believe... polygraphs are so expensive...

Any thoughts?

Edited to add we are both in IC

[This message edited by SISOSIG at 7:15 AM, March 15th (Wednesday)]

Constance posted 3/15/2017 08:10 AM

As a BS Having been through an EA and a physical A,
I almost prefer the physical.
I feel like my husband felt more guilt with the 6 month physical A than this emotional one.
He cut off the physical 6 years ago and no more contact with her.
But the emotional text A is going on and on and on.
He obviously thinks I don't know but I can see the text and call records online instantly.
When I ask who are you texting he says nobody..then I look it up!
It is pure torture.
I saw some of the texts he sent these 2 women and they are extremely sexual!
I feel like with the EA the WS gets all the benefits and excitement and NONE of the day to day living that gets annoying so why would they stop!
This person will validate everything they say about their spouse and so it goesonmiHevaHrehtardlItnihtot IkniIknihtIDohtIDoe

Constance posted 3/15/2017 08:12 AM

Not sure what happened at the end there..I was saying I think I am to the point where I want him to go! As hard as that is to say!
It is harder to know he confides in someone else what he used to share with me!
Anyone else feel that way?

notfeelingloved posted 3/15/2017 15:29 PM

It is harder to know he confides in someone else what he used to share with me!
Anyone else feel that way?

It is so crushing that they share so much private stuff with someone else. Family issues. Stuff no one knows but me - and now OW. And then OW gives advice and he accepts it. Like my WH has a rift in the family. I've been trying for years to get him to mend fences. He is stubborn and refuses but she tells him to and it's suddenly a good idea? Crazy!

GaiusValerius posted 3/15/2017 17:35 PM

My WW's EA went on from October to about ten days ago when I had my d day and confrontation.

From the emails I discovered after accidentally stumbling upon a suspicious text notification, it was a pretty steamy and torrid correspondence, but also had an element of artificiality and fantasy on WW's part. Things blew up when they arranged a physical meeting in a large city and the fantasy bubble burst when he was actually terrible in real life (so says WW).

I discovered the affair while she was on that trip and had a couple of days to lose my mind, keep a poker face for our young daughter, and call some lawyers. By the time she returned and I confronted her, I had lost ten lbs. I was a wreck.

She rarely spoke to him about me and our family, and he never spoke to her about his. Pure fantasy, not that it makes the betrayal easier to take.

Constance posted 3/16/2017 13:59 PM

Hey notfeelingloved and Gaius! I am so there with you on that. His EA with these two women has been going on for 2 years (or more).
I know what you are saying about how frustrating it is..WH takes advice from these women one is a coworker.
I have been toying with the idea of blocking the 2 numbers from his phone...I run the household bills everything is in my name. And yes I pay them all myself as well!
So as I am considering blocking the numbers and then even group texting these two women with pics of the chats he had with them both...here is Karma in the works for you!
Today he told me he has been reported to HR for sexual harassment. Hmmmmmm ya don't say.
Aparently they just told him multiple complaints ...is he so blind he cant see one is probably from her so she can explain all this to her own husband?
WTH!

[This message edited by Constance at 3:03 PM, March 16th (Thursday)]

Constance posted 3/16/2017 14:06 PM

Notfeelingloved! Sorry to hear all that I do know what your are going through!
It truly makes one wonder why!

I have always told him everything!
Even confessed my revenge emotional online affair after he had a physical affair and moved in with a former client of ours for 6 months! But never moved out of our house fully! Go figure! I Kicked him out 3x but then I kept letting him stay!

Some people tell me my revenge EA doesn't count but it does. I believe anything that betrays the other person either physical or emotional (especially if it is sexual texting) is still a betrayal!

I cut off all my former contacts!
I even got a new job where my team is ALL women..he gives me these guilt trips and here HE is texting and calling women and getting reported to HR! *Shaking my head*

[This message edited by Constance at 2:13 PM, March 16th (Thursday)]

Constance posted 3/16/2017 14:10 PM

Sorry can't figure out how to edit posts..and typing too fast from pure anger there are a few weird words from autocorrect but I hope you get my meaning!
(Ha..just figured it out lol)

[This message edited by Constance at 2:17 PM, March 16th (Thursday)]

Constance posted 3/16/2017 14:21 PM

Gaius! How did your Dday confrontation go?
I know I need to have one..but I cannot figure out how!
My WH has a history of violence with me.!so part of me is afraid of what he will do!
Someone recommended I get a restraining order and have him kicked out but for my own sanity I want to know why! After all the crap we went through and tried to reconcile after his PA and my revenge EA!
Why NOW? 5 years later!

[This message edited by Constance at 3:00 PM, March 16th (Thursday)]

Mommaof3 posted 3/20/2017 07:57 AM

My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married for 7 months. We are both 26! I found out last month that my husband has been talking to another girl.. and I say girl because she's 17 years old.
He got suspended from work because she said he harassed her. So he came right home and told me everything. How they had been contacting each other on a app called SnapChat. He had told me how they talked about our relationship and how he wasn't happy in it. They'd talk about her experiences with other guys just relationship wise. Eventually they got into sexual conversations and she'd tell him about hers (she's a virgin) so they only talked about the other things and he got really into detail of what they'd say back and fourth but only because I asked him to! I felt like I needed to know. And it hurt like hell!
Weeks later she had asked him to divorce me and with the story I know, she asked him and he said "no I won't leave my wife" and that's how it ended. She got upset that she "didn't get what she wanted" and that's why she went to his work where she also worked at and told them he harassed her.
We worked through it, I didn't get over it but we were really starting to get to a good place till she randomly a month later wrote me and told me they slept together! My heart dropped! I asked for proof and she would tell me hat was in the car and I died inside. There was no other way for her to know that. He said maybe she saw it in photos or that she saw inside 5 months prior when we went to his work to show off the dogs. I didn't know what to believe. Eventually she wrote him and we thought let's pretend that she got her way and we were in a bad place.. well we soon got her to prove they didn't sleep together and then we didn't respond to her again.. I'm still getting over the EA they had in the beginning so I'm still crying daily and just broken. Well, she had her lawyer write me last night telling me not to contact her and that if I wanted to come into her office she has photos and messages and told me she wasn't sure if I'd want to see them, I told her absolutely!! Prior to this.. during these past 2 weeks little things keep coming up that I find out and they just don't add up. He promised me that there was nothing more than Snapchat! No more lies. He promised me that this mistake changed him and he's realized how much he really loves me and that loosing us is tearing him apart. And I told him if I ever find out that he did have a physical affair I'd leave him! Well when I asked him last night about what photos she was talking about he kept saying there isn't any. And I said if there were I'll leave you! So I asked him one last time and told him I was going to meet with the lawyer and see what she has to show me, and he said "yes" and my heart dropped even more than it already was. He came home and I was just broken! Lies after lies after lies! He told me he sent to D*** pictures to her, one possibly from our own home
I know he loves me! There's no doubt about it. And I do believe he feeels like the shittiest person in the world. But I'm afraid that what I read tonight, I won't be able to get through it.. Reading about terrible things he might have said about me, more things he didn't tell me. I'm not strong enough! I don't know what to do. How do I ever trust him again?!

[This message edited by Mommaof3 at 4:10 PM, March 21st (Tuesday)]

Mommaof3 posted 3/21/2017 16:11 PM

My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married for 7 months. We are both 26! I found out last month that my husband has been talking to another girl.. and I say girl because she's 17 years old.
He got suspended from work because she said he harassed her. So he came right home and told me everything. How they had been contacting each other on a app called SnapChat. He had told me how they talked about our relationship and how he wasn't happy in it. They'd talk about her experiences with other guys just relationship wise. Eventually they got into sexual conversations and she'd tell him about hers (she's a virgin) so they only talked about the other things and he got really into detail of what they'd say back and fourth but only because I asked him to! I felt like I needed to know. And it hurt like hell!
Weeks later she had asked him to divorce me and with the story I know, she asked him and he said "no I won't leave my wife" and that's how it ended. She got upset that she "didn't get what she wanted" and that's why she went to his work where she also worked at and told them he harassed her.
We worked through it, I didn't get over it but we were really starting to get to a good place till she randomly a month later wrote me and told me they slept together! My heart dropped! I asked for proof and she would tell me hat was in the car and I died inside. There was no other way for her to know that. He said maybe she saw it in photos or that she saw inside 5 months prior when we went to his work to show off the dogs. I didn't know what to believe. Eventually she wrote him and we thought let's pretend that she got her way and we were in a bad place.. well we soon got her to prove they didn't sleep together and then we didn't respond to her again.. I'm still getting over the EA they had in the beginning so I'm still crying daily and just broken. Well, she had her lawyer write me last night telling me not to contact her and that if I wanted to come into her office she has photos and messages and told me she wasn't sure if I'd want to see them, I told her absolutely!! Prior to this.. during these past 2 weeks little things keep coming up that I find out and they just don't add up. He promised me that there was nothing more than Snapchat! No more lies. He promised me that this mistake changed him and he's realized how much he really loves me and that loosing us is tearing him apart. And I told him if I ever find out that he did have a physical affair I'd leave him! Well when I asked him last night about what photos she was talking about he kept saying there isn't any. And I said if there were I'll leave you! So I asked him one last time and told him I was going to meet with the lawyer and see what she has to show me, and he said "yes" and my heart dropped even more than it already was. He came home and I was just broken! Lies after lies after lies! He told me he sent to D*** pictures to her, one possibly from our own home
I know he loves me! There's no doubt about it. And I do believe he feeels like the shittiest person in the world. But I'm afraid that what I read tonight, I won't be able to get through it.. Reading about terrible things he might have said about me, more things he didn't tell me. I'm not strong enough! I don't know what to do. How do I ever trust him again?!

LadyFlora posted 4/6/2017 07:52 AM

I can relate to all these. for me it was both emotional and physical; several women.You can never be sure if it was just emotional because of the lies that the H tells but for sure there was one physical.

2Good42Long posted 4/9/2017 12:06 PM

Things I find most painful about EA in no specific order:

1) being told it is not sexual and therefore I am being unreasonable.

2) that there is nothing wrong with treating OW to meals, buying her gifts. It's being friendly, that's all.

3)knowing she's comes to the house when I'm not around even though he denies it. Then why does he suddenly turn into a god of house cleaning before I get back, but is a slob the rest of the time?

4) sharing things with her that he should be sharing only with me.

5) telling her things about us which gives her the info she needs to further sabotage our relationship and pick at the weak spots.

6) laughing at her jokes about me and joining in to appear cool to her!

7) defending her no matter what.

8) suddenly losing interest in things we do together and that he use to enjoy. From out of the blue these things become to him whereas before he loved them. No doubt her influence and his fault for telling her things about our pass times even though I have repeatedly told him to stop (see point 5 again)

9) The most recent one, "why do you hate her? She's done nothing to you?" Seriously?! She knows what she is participating in and how it makes me feel. That bring me to ...

10) being made out to be a bad person for being hurt by all of the above. As if betrayal is not enough, one ends up being further victimized by being labeled insulting things like "just jealous". Are we not allowed to be hurt by the lies, deception, disrespect and being made a fool of?

Just some things I wanted to get of my chest for now.


Cece posted 4/11/2017 00:03 AM

My husband had an EA for about 4-5 months . He was playing a game and that's how it started . There were no phones but tons of chatting through this game . I am so broken hearted over this .. how could he !!!!

Crushed2012 posted 4/12/2017 14:26 PM

Hello everyone... I'm sad I'm here but happy I feel I have somewhere to go. My husband had an EA, I feel certain nothing physical happened but it seems that most people on the forum won't accept it and keep pushing me to search further and ask him to take a polygraph. I've checked every single avenue and have never believed it was physical. With that said, I'm looking for support from people who are only experiencing dealing with an EA. How do you move forward? How to do let go? I feel like I'm dying inside and I'm so angry and hurt his actions. Thank you.

luvgonewrong posted 4/14/2017 21:59 PM

Does anyone hate social media as much as I do? My husband uses Facebook, IG and God knows what else to find women and look outside our marriage to
"talk" as a distraction. I feel like the internet has given people this confidence to seek out all sorts of people and say and be someone because it is from a distance and easier. I wonder if all this didn't exist, would my husband still be unfaithful? I really hate it so much.

sassylee posted 4/19/2017 19:54 PM

I know what you mean. My husband is introverted for the most part - a bit shy. He said the stuff he texted he would never have had the nerve to say in person. He didn't go so far as blame the texting but admitted it made it an easy conduit to inappropriate conversations.

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