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Emotional Affairs

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WarriorPrincess posted 9/11/2016 21:31 PM

A short backstory:

My husband had 5-month Internet affair with some bitch in Sweden. I knew about her and knew he was overly involved for the first 3 months, and I begged him to give her up, and he finally agreed.Little did I know he had a different secret account and he kept up the affair for 2 more months. I wrote this shortly after the 2nd DDay, when I found out about the secret cacount and what I think was most of the rest of the story.

I originally posted this in General, but I wanted to post it here too, so people dealing with EA's can see exactly how much damage this supposedly "innocent fun" can do:

--------------------------------------------------


I sat down and wrote out all the things this A has cost my WH, me, and our son. All this for a stupid internet affair. I thought I'd share:

--The stress of hiding his “secret” while watching me struggle to recover from the pain of the betrayal I already knew about turned WH into an even bigger asshole than he already was. His resulting cruelty and mistreatment had me on the brink of divorce even before this latest truth came out.

--Because of the continued lies he told me, I can no longer trust my husband. I have no more respect for him. I may never trust him again. I do not know if our marriage can survive this.

--Even if our marriage does survive, it will never be the same. No matter what, I will always live with the knowledge that my husband was unfaithful to me.

--I was mentally unstable and seriously suicidal before they both lied to me and pretended their affair was over. We live on a busy highway. I was attempting to jump in front of semi trucks going about 70 miles per hour. If I had succeeded, I would have been killed instantly. It took both WH and my son to hold me back.

--My son witnessed both my deteriorating mental state and my suicide attempt. I am sure he will never forget that night. It is a horrible memory he will carry with him forever.

--My son knows my pain and despair were the result of his father’s involvement with you. Because he knows WH was the cause of so much agony on my part, their relationship is damaged and forever changed. My son will always know how his father hurt me.

--My son now also has suicidal tendencies and and behavior issues as a result of the family drama and stress created by the A. He has been to the emergency room for suicidal ideation and is now in an intensive behavioral health program. He will have to continue individual and family therapy for some time to come.

--It is a known fact that children whose parents have affairs are much more likely to have affairs themselves. My son is now at increased risk of destroying his own future marriage and family in the same way WH has.

--Between his A and subsequent mistreatment of me, WH has been a horrible role model for our son. The boy has no father figure he can look up to and respect.

--My mental health therapist and my physical therapist agree that the stress from the affair and WH's subsequent mistreatment of me contributed to a back injury that has probably cost me my career. I have not worked since December. The continuing stress from trying to cope with this affair and WH's continued cruelty toward me have delayed my healing to the point where I may never work on an ambulance again. (I am an EMT)

--Mentally and emotionally I am stressed to the breaking point. I have not had a day free from emotional or physical pain in 15 months. I am unable to do many of the things that once brought me joy.

--I also am in intense trauma therapy. The pain and stress of the past 15 months have given me PTSD, the same as soldiers returning from combat. Intense trauma as I have experienced causes permanent physical changes to the brain. Fundamentally, I will never be the same again.

--We have spent thousands of dollars on medical and holistic treatments for me and on marriage counseling that was essentially useless, because it was all based on lies. Not to mention the $24,000 I will lose this year alone because I am unable to work.

So there you have it. WH has risked his marriage, his family, and my life over some stupid internet shit. He has probably lost the best friend he ever had. My physical and mental health are damaged and my career is probably destroyed. We are flat broke and our finances are in shambles because I cannot work. My son will have lingering psychological problems and be at risk of repeating his father's behavior for the rest of his life.

[This message edited by WarriorPrincess at 9:45 PM, September 11th (Sunday)]

folio44 posted 9/12/2016 05:48 AM

I am so sorry you going through this, not your fault yet you bear all the consequences. I am still always astounded at how much damage all the lies can bring. I am dealing with my own R and healing process, for the last 15 months also.

best of luck to you in finding your renewed health.

AMaeMOBluesawyer posted 9/12/2016 09:03 AM

Warrior princess,

Thank you for sharing your story. It's true that EA's are as devastating to everyone as PA's, although to the WS they just don't see it that way and it had the potential (like on your case) to becoming even more destructive as they refuse to give up the EA.
My WH had both a PA (1st) and an EA (2nd) and the EA was in reality the point if no return for me.

Keep posting and keep working on healing yourself. Hoping you can get thru all this intact. Don't give up!! (On yourself or your son). Everyone here in similar situations or at least very understanding.
Keep swimming.
A

Honestgirl posted 10/15/2016 15:21 PM

My predicament started with finding texts from my husband to a stripper. Intimate stuff. Didn't have enough time to read all because he caught me looking at his phone. It was the first time I ever looked at his texts. I just had a funny feeling something was up.

He was mad. Denied any EA or PA. I checked the phone bill for all his calls and texts from that year and came up with HUNDREDS of texts in one month to a certain number. All hours of the day and night.

He never texted me. If he ever called me it was for a purpose. No intimacy in those calls.

He tried to tell me it was nothing. That the calls and texts were just the club's way of getting more business. Found later on he was frequenting her club all the time. Later still found bank statement with charges to her club followed by hotel room charges.

I feel like if it's just an EA, that is really rare. I wanted so badly to believe there was no skin to skin but I am not that naive anymore.

Even after I confronted him with the bank statement, he denied that there was a PA.

He bought tons of lap dances from her and others. Does that turn an EA into a PA? I would say yes. No matter how hard he denies it.

In addition, he has never shown remorse. In fact he put it back on me almost every time we discussed it. I don't listen to him , I don't dress sexy, I don't blah blah blah blah blah...

If your spouse is in an EA and it's a secret and there is intimacy and you have a nagging feeling it is something more and there is no remorse, I think you have to assume it is also a PA.

kay922 posted 10/20/2016 16:37 PM

Count me in on this one. It was about eight months and I new from just about the beginning. I had a gut feeling I couldn't shake from starting October 2015 and every time something happened that stirred my suspicions and I brought it up it was always "you are insecure and jealous" "I value you and our relationship too much to ever do anything to ruin it or hurt you". So after seeing a borderline flirty message pop up on his phone one day I eventually talked myself into snooping. All the messages except about three had been erased and the message that was left was one that said "I know I'm not supposed to be texting you first..." which was not enough to prove anything but enough to keep me checking his phone for about six more months. I still didn't find anything on his phone other than some subtly flirty messages that I would confront him about and be TT'd and he'd make me feel guilty for accusing him and I'd end up apologizing.

He finally admitted to "harmlessly flirting" with her when I found a message that he couldn't insist was just a "friendship" text. Then he got angry and said everyone flirts and it was no big deal and it definitely wasn't an emotional affair and he absolutely had never even laid a hand on that girl. I was still crushed at that because I don't flirt with anyone, he's the only person I need. So he swore he would stop after seeing how much his lies had hurt me.

Also, important to mention, they worked together. Him, 35 years old with a serious career. She was a 20 year old lesbian (with a girlfriend of 3 years she was living with) working at a menial job.

Anyway, about a month after he promised to stop flirting with her and sent her a text telling her that they could not text anymore, I found a love diary written from her to him in the back seat of his car. I found it the day after she gave it to him, allegedly before he had the chance to read it.

It confirmed that they did in fact have an emotional affair that began about October, they didn't have any physical contact other than holding hands one time, he touched her hair, and they had some flirtatious touching back and forth. But she went into great detail about how much she fantasized about kissing him, f****** him, and everything else. Also talked about some of the things he said to her.

So I am very grateful to have found that very childish diary she wrote to him because it confirmed what I suspected for eight months was true, and also confirmed that it was only emotional and not physical. Apparently there was one occasion where they almost kissed and he stopped. So I guess he kind of has some boundaries?

Also leaves me with so many questions. Like he had so many opportunities just to end it with her. He knew I was highly suspicious and confronted him probably more than once a month. He could have just ended it and made it go away before it escalated to the point where she was writing him a love diary to him.

And if he had no intention of turning it into a physical affair, what was the point? So he could have some selfish ego boosting fun at the destruction of his relationship, my sanity OW's sanity and relationship? I will never understand how he could have justified that.

WarriorPrincess posted 11/7/2016 10:04 AM

I have been thinking, though, the degree of their sexual contact doesn't matter all that much over all. here is a list of the other crap that went on:

-lied to me about it being over
-lied to me about transparency
-broke every boundary i tried to set up to protect myself
-offered to send her OUR money
-told her he loved her
-shared sexual conversations and sexual arousal with her
-talked about me behind my back, even after I asked him to stop
-told her about our arguments, even though i asked him to stop
-assumed the worst about me and my motives in wanting him to end it
-denied and belittled my feelings
-called me names
-gaslit me
-told me all about how he could not live without her, etc
-allowed her to send him love songs, and never ---told her it was inappropriate or to stop
-allowed her to call him her "best friend" and never corrected her (*I* am supposed to be his best friend)
-allowed his desire to continue the relationship to override my need to feel secure in our marriage
-told her he would protect and save her, even after I told him this was inappropriate and unacceptable to me
-blew smoke up my ass about how he didn't know phrases like "i will protect you, " "I am here to save you," and "i am here to take your pain away" all meant the same thing
-turned to his phone and started texting to her every morning while I was lying next to him, before turning to me
-refused to listen to me when I tried to tell him how badly he was hurting me.
-decided for himself what i did or did not need in a marraige or from him
-acted like an asshole to me for a year after supposedly ending it, getting defensive and angry every time I tried to discuss the A or discuss how my needs in the marriage were going unmet
-told me hurtful things about how he never meant his wedding vows anyway, they were just something he said to get married.
-promised me anything he thought sounded good and would get me off his back, without meaning to keep any of the promises


he says because it was "only" an internet affair, it wasnt cheating. but this is what I was cheated out of:

-my sense of security in the marriage
-my sense of self worth
-my ability to trust him
-my peace of mind
-the fun and joy of 2 whole summers which were ruined by the affair (one because of the affair itself, one because of his asshole behaviors that lead me to the brink of divorce.)
-the memories of his birthday and our anniversary, when I was blissfully happy because I thought it was over, but it turns out he was still in contact with her
-my respect for him
-certain sexual things that he shared with her, which I can no longer stand
-the ability to listen to music on the radio without risking a flashback (and thus my ability to listen to local news, weather, and announcements of upcoming events)
-the time i waste thinking about, processing, and trying to heal from all the above. (today I meant to go swimming, but instead felt compelled to write this post to get these things out of my mind)

And then when I factor in the porn use, 2-3 times a week for the entire length of our marriage, while I was getting laid 2-3 times a month, and the sexual connection and fulfillment I was missing out on...

So when I think about it, whether or not he actually fucked her is almost beside the point. given this crap or a ONS that he would immediately confess, I would take the ONS and remorse and honesty over the ongoing torture of the "friendship" i knew about and the the deceit, lying and manipulation.

YouHadMeAtMeh posted 1/3/2017 16:48 PM

Has anyone had any dealings with their WS having an EA with the next door neighbor?? Who I suspect is a religious sociopath?

I'm weeks from DD2 and it's been such a clusterf.

Confusedandhurt1 posted 1/20/2017 09:13 AM

So im still not sure what to think about my wifes EA. It started in september and ended when i asked her about it after thanksgiving. It entailed a coworker, and almost exclusively texting....many many texts. None of which were romantic in nature or sexual, but it was constant from morning till night. Neither her or the other person claim to have any interest in each other, other than friendship, butshe did state that she knew what she was doing was wrong in that i was not fully aware of it and completely oblivious to the frequency.Our relationship during the 2 months was as good as it has ever been...confusing me even more. She claims that the relationship with him was nothing related to or similar to our relationship. She claims she has always loved me and this never could come between us. She just became very close to this guy due to work circumstances, me not being there much (2 jobs), the guy trying to reconcile his marraige, and her father getting sick. She said that the combination of things gave them so much to talk about and that before she knew it she was telling him about our days and nights and how much fun we had or how we fought, etc. And it just continued. This guy is an escalation point at her job and because of the business structure they mostly text to communicate anyway, so they had tontext 30 times a day or so anyway, as she does with many people there to do their jobs. I knew they were friends and ibwas cool with a regular friendship, as i have been very secure in the relationship....still am i guess. Having been married 13 years the deception and inability to stop when you know it is wrong is what has broke my heart. I know she wouldnt have left me or ever gotten physical, but the deception and lack of self control keep me in a state of sadness. I love her, and she loves me...she is completely destroyed, and does not take personal failure easily. She knows how bad i hurt and it kills her, but it still doesnt feel like i can gain my trust and true feelings for her back...how do i make it good again?

sootired posted 1/20/2017 09:26 AM

confused and hurt I would strongly suggest marriage counseling. hopefully she is as remorseful as she says, but others would tell you, as will I , be careful. I am sorry you are going through this, I have been there myself too many times.

Confusedandhurt1 posted 1/20/2017 09:45 AM

Im not sure marraige counseling is in the cards. Time money and kids will not allow it. We are back on good terms, and things are going well, it is just my internal pain/conflict that is holding us back. We are bothing being more for each other verbalky and emotionally than we have and we both have restructured our work hours so that we can be together an with our kids more. I think it will just take time, but i cant imagine feeling this "missing piece" of me in a year and having any kind of good come from it in our relationship.

seeker16 posted 1/24/2017 11:21 AM

I'll make this very brief sparing most of the details, otherwise it'd be a long short story. My wife of 10 yrs had an EA with 2 different men over social media for a few months. Men she knew personally, old boyfriends before our relationship but also men I know of. I realized how much extra time she was spending on her phone ignoring her family, being overly critical of me at what seemed like every moment. After confronting her, she promises to stop and focus on us and our marriage but refused to block them on my request (excuse was didn't want it to seem like more than it was). Just trust her she says. Another month passes and I find out she's still talking to one of them even more emotionally involved than before.
After 2nd DDay She finally agrees to end it and blocks them and agrees to work on us for real. We go to counseling, spend more time together, she's more open about what she's doing on her phone, etc. etc.
5 months later I still struggle with trusting her. I can't stop thinking about her lies and double betrayal. I feel she never truly believed what she did was wrong, at least in the way I see it. I can't stop thinking about the guys she checked out of our marriage for and spent so much time talking to every day. How different they are from me, how much more in common she has with them. I can't stop thinking about whether she's thinking about them or how long it will be till she does it again.
I know my behavior and insecurities caused by her betrayal will end up pushing her farther away, but I can't figure out how to be ok with it and move on.

sootired posted 1/24/2017 11:37 AM

seeker, i know exactly what you are going through. My stbxww throughout our marriage has had one EA after the next. some turned into PAs, some didn't. Her mentality, as is so many others, is that if full on sex doesn't happen, then it is not an affair. You know, the "just friends" bulls##$. You are the one who was hurt by her, her feelings should not be a concern right now. She should be the one concerned for YOUR feelings and what she has done to you and your marriage. Trust me, I know it is hard to wrap our heads around. You want to blame yourself, but don't. the mistakes you have made NEVER justify any kind of affair. it takes time for everything to start coming into focus. step away and let yourself catch your breathe. what she has done pushed you away, should you now have an affair? no, so Why does she get that excuse??

seeker16 posted 1/25/2017 09:22 AM

Thanks for the comments sootired. Its good to hear from others who understand.

25yrscrushed posted 1/25/2017 11:21 AM

I hate to hear so many people are living the same nightmare I am living. I found out last August that my WH was having an EA with his boss. We have been together 25 years and I am devastated. He is planning to move out next week due to the advice from the counselor. I can't begin to trust him if he isn't around to show me that he loves me. He swears he loves me and wants the marriage to work. He needs "alone time" to get his head straight. I guess time will tell if he is being truthful. Any advice???

liedto16 posted 1/27/2017 14:47 PM

My boyfriend of three years had a 2 month relationship with a girl he met at school. He'd call her to tell her he missed her, told her things he wouldnt tell me about his problems, met her family, ect.

On top of that he'd spend time with her and never wanted to spend time with me, went to see her late at night, even told her that I was the crazy ex who cheated on him and he was too hurt to get back together with me. He would tell her im trying to come back into his life but Im "terrible".. But he made himself emotionally and physically unavailable for her.

He even told her to move in, and that hed get her a ring. I had a ring. but he didnt ask me to move in...

Can you even forgive at this point?

Saddly posted 2/2/2017 08:06 AM

My story is much more bizarre, at least I feel as though it is....
My WH suffers from depression and has for a long time (long before he met me), he and I both admit to hard childhood and previously disastrous marriages that have altered our perceptions on how things have molded us to how we are today.
As far as the doctors can seem to put together my husband suffered from what they call a "Depressive Psychosis" and it started almost a year ago. He stopped taking the antidepressants (I didn't know he wasn't taking them anymore) that he was supposed to and just "snapped" so to speak into delusions and hallucinations. What came from those delusions were in his words that I didn't want to be in the marriage anymore. That everytime he would come to me we would fight and argue and I would walk away from him. I would refuse to work anything out with him and refused to acknowledge our marriage needed help. He also states that our daughter (with whom he had adopted) stated she no longer wanted him and that she didn't want him as a father. This went on for most of the year and he decided to leave the family. In the course of his actions to leave he reconnected online with an ex girlfriend from his high school years and started an EA 6 weeks before telling me he wanted a divorce. I was floored, we never had the conversations he claimed we had and then to compound the issue he tried to hide the online EA and continued to speak to her. When I found out about her I told him communications HAD to stop and he called her and told her it was over right in front of me but continued to email her behind my back for 13 days after still giving her all the emotional affections. He swears to this day that he doesn't even remember doing that and the doctors are telling me that it is very probable that it is true as he has not had enough time on the medications for them to be effective. Since finding those he has given me access (with him right there) to his phone (of which I have all access to the records anyway) and to his computer and we have started going through MC. He's still severely in his depression though and finding positive emotions and working towards any real resolutions is a struggle as he refuses to really face any difficult issues. He still is living with the memories of the delusions and is having a hard time coping with the fact that the events of the past year didn't actually happen the way he remembers them and has a hard time not feeling hurt, betrayed, and angry at me for trying to destroy our 10 year marriage when I didn't actually do any of the things he remembers.
I have a hard time not feeling the same things he is for the things he did and reminding myself that he is ill is of little help when he refuses to feel even remorseful about his actions. He says he feels guilty for hurting me but he honestly thought things were over and was looking out for himself. It honestly feels like he's justifying his actions and I get angrier.
He says he wants us to work and that he wants to stay together, that he loves me and that she was nothing but I saw what he wrote to her and saw all the emotions. It hurts and it leaves me feeling sad, empty and raw. We are just starting the journey to recovery and it's a very long road that shows very little except potholed pavement and bare landscape as far as I can see.

Confusedandhurt1 posted 2/8/2017 16:07 PM

So how do i know everything is ok? My wife appears to be madly attracted to me, we are extremely sexual, we have started doing home projects together again, and we spend tons of us time now. I have even started to let my guard down a little and feel a large amount of love and emotion from her. She is constant with her affection and she doesnt communicate with the text affair guy anymore unless its for work and she shows me or tells me about it. Everything almost seems too good to be true, and the extreme good feelings somehow make me nervous...like its all going to come out as a sham later to cover up something. It doesnt appear to be this but i have this paranoia about the situation. Things were pretty good when she was doing the texting, and she was intimate with me and we had lots of fun,trips,etc. so thats what makes me nervous. She claims that the texting got out of control and she hates herself for what she did to me, but she says this thing all the time..."i love you, its always been you", and "ive only ever wanted you". She has said this in tears during a breakdown, and straight face many times, and begs me to believe her. I feel like i do, but there is this paranoia i can get rid of. What do i do? Just as a refresher...2.5 month text relationship with coworker but rarely saw each other due to being traveling nurses. Almost all text night and day, not much on weekends.

intramural posted 2/11/2017 10:03 AM

It IS a unique thing, being part of this group. Glad I found you all! Am working my way through the posts.

It IS so difficult. I know that even my WH thinks it is bullshit that I am struggling over his EA.

Good luck to all of you. I know what it is like to not believe a thing my WH says or does.

I am triggered by romantic music because they shared a playlist of sexy, and super romantic music.

What are you all doing for V day? I wish I could just get over this and be normal but that is not happening.

I wish I could find romantic music with the words changed to share with him for that special day. :P

Lionshare posted 2/17/2017 00:11 AM

Confusedandhurt1,
What you are feeling is normal. You're not paranoid. For starters, throw away the idea that your issues are what's holding you back. It takes a long time to recover and R after something like this. Most around here will say 2-5 years. And yes, that does include EA's.

she doesnt communicate with the text affair guy anymore unless its for work and she shows me or tells me about it

You will continue to have issues as long as they are still having contact of any kind. What you really need is full NC. No contact of any kind, work related or not. You might be able to manage this as is, but as long as they're in contact it will eat at you every day.
Have you told the OMW? If not you should expose it to her without warning, and without running it by your wife either. If you talk to your WW about this first, she will warn the OM.

This EA thread has light traffic sometimes. If you're seeking more advice try posting a thread in Just Found Out or Reconciliation.

Takeaway message is DO NOT MINIMIZE and also DO NOT RUGSWEEP this stuff. The more you do, the worse you will feel going forward.

seeker16 posted 2/19/2017 18:36 PM

Confusedandhurt1,
I feel your pain man as your situation sounds a bit similar to mine. Situation, timing and all. I too am having extreme difficulties with getting rid of the paranoia.
Best of luck to your recovery and sorry you are here!
Feel free to private message me if you ever need someone else to vent to or bounce ideas off of during this process.

[This message edited by seeker16 at 6:43 PM, February 19th (Sunday)]

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