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Emotional Affairs

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believehalf posted 10/12/2015 10:15 AM

"ionlytalkedtoher" struck a cord with me, I thought I had wrote your comment! My H also needs so much validation and attention. He is attentive and calling all the time and texting and for all intensive purposes outsiders see a devoted man. What they don't see is any return gesture on my part could be construed as a promise of some sort-"you massaged my shoulders this morning and now I want more and you are busy so why did you massage my shoulders and lead me on?" At events he's talking it up with anyone but I really cannot do the same because I'm flirting. To most he is the outgoing nice guy and I'm the cold one who deserved this. You will never fill the empty void in them but you will be blamed for it.

joannie posted 10/17/2015 04:56 AM

My husband had a full blown affair emotional and physical. Stopped it two years ago. But contact is now there.with text and calls he denies it so I think this is an emotional affair ?

Crazymum posted 10/20/2015 22:51 PM

Joannie, it sounds like an EA to me - especially since he's continuing with contact despite your objections.

Has your WH displayed any emotional changes since contact resumed?

Pris17 posted 10/28/2015 16:56 PM

I just posted in the just found out forum, now i'll post here since it seems to kinda fit my situation.
Found out my bf was bisexual and sending/receiving sexual messages through a sleazy phone app. He seemed like he checked out a few weeks ago and i just had knot in my stomach, so i went through his phone and sure enough...there was everything I needed to know but w/ penises. UGH. He claims he did nothing physical, just this online stuff. Cheating is cheating, how did you guys get passed it?

CaliRN13 posted 10/29/2015 02:28 AM

Today is DDAY, well it's after midnight.. So yesterday was. My FWH had a EA for 3 months with his girlfriend from High School, it started when they started talking in Facebook about their 30yr reunion, which he was unable to attend because he had to go out of town for training. But texted her the whole time. Me, not so much. I still feel I don't know everything. He never gave up any information with out the smoking gun every single time.
We still have so much to do.. Mostly we are great.. But then I doubt myself.

LadyBluebell posted 10/29/2015 11:25 AM

This EA stuff is BULL****. I've had it with him "missing his friend." Make a decision, WH. Either this wasn't anything and it shouldn't be worried about it, or it's only the threat of DIVORCE that is keeping him fro talking to her. But it's just so horrific to me, and I can't imagine we're ever going to R until he gets a grip on what got him here.

Scornedmommy posted 10/29/2015 16:42 PM

Amen Labybluebell!!!

Hg65 posted 10/29/2015 17:58 PM

@muff2do, I agree.
I see NO difference between EA and PA. My husband became disconnected, cruel, and dismissed me during the time he was pursuing OW. I will never get over those feelings. His EA would've turned into PA had he not got caught. Is that supposed to make me feel better? Nope.

It is astounding to me that he can say "I love you" to me with a straight face after all that.

movingfoward posted 11/9/2015 21:19 PM

Hi All,

Sad to be joining this group but nice to know there are others here I can talk to. I have to say since finding out about the EA it has been a very lonely time.

You get very caught up in your own thoughts. Being lied to and betrayed over a long time is confusing and it takes a lot of time to sort through those thoughts and feelings. He is in therapy and we will see one together as I need to get out why what has happened and the extent of his actions,.

We shall see if we can move forward or not.

I'll be reading through all your posts for snippets of wisdom to get me through this.

headup posted 11/11/2015 18:18 PM

Hello Everyone,
I'm writing in hopes of seeking some guidance and comfort. Thanks to modern technology, about 6 weeks ago I found out my wife (married for 3 years / together for 10) has been lying, hiding, and covering things up about a relationship with her male co-worker.

I caught her lying about where she was/ who she was with one night, and immediately cross referenced her text messages with me and her phone records over the last few months. I confronted her head on about my suspicions and in the moment she admitted to lying to me about 6-7 things over the last few months. The bummer is, I only had access to the last two months of our cell phone records, and I only asked her about 6-7 things specifically...so who knows how long ago this really all started.

Basically, she admitted to going to dinner / lunch with this guy on several occasions while I was traveling or not with her, admitted to lying to me about who she was or wasn't with, and also admitted to one instance where I was out of town and he came over for a drink late one night and "fell asleep" watching a movie, and didn't leave until the next morning. I blew up on her, was raging with anger, sadness, frustration, insecurity, etc. She has repeatedly told me over and over again that she has never cheated on me, they never kissed, nothing ever happened and that he is "just a friend". As far as me asking her if anything physical ever happened, she swore on her father's grave, God, her nieces & nephews, etc (the most highly regarded people in her life). that nothing has ever happened and again, he's "just a friend".

My wife immediately left the house we are currently staying at the night of confrontation. Through text messages, she insisted that we go to couples counseling with a husband / wife team, which we immediately did. I first went to see the husband and she first went to see the wife. I told my side of the story, she told her's. We've since then only gone to together to two sessions (both within the first two weeks after I discovered this). Both sessions together she was extremely angry at me telling me / counselors have she suddenly feels empowered, liberated, and validated in her feelings. She has repeatedly said how she is sooooo annoyed by the fact that I am "hyper-focused" on the situation with her and her co-worker because it has "absolutely nothing" to do with the real issues of our relationship (which are "how difficult I am to deal with" and "how I blow up at her over the smallest things" how "much romance our life is lacking" etc. She has since then gone to see a different counselor on her own, and has not been able to "coordinate her schedule" to make a couples session work with all of us together. However, I have since been continuing to go by myself with the male counselor one on one and just two-weeks ago, told my side of the story and situation with her "friend" to both the husband and wife counselors together, for the first time (my wife was not there). When the wife counselor heard my side of the story, things drastically changed with their advice on what I should / shouldn't be doing. They originally told me to give my wife her space, continue counseling both on my own and together, and see if I could "win her back" by romancing her and showing her the kind side of me she fell in love with. After I filled them both in on things together with my wife there, they told me to do a cold 180 on her, which has really turned the tables so to speak.

I'll say this about my wife, we've been together for 10 years, yes we bicker, no we don't go on dates enough, no we aren't intimate enough together, but I honestly believe we were trucking along well. We laugh together, travel together, love each others families and friends...I feel as if it's really not some god-awful relationship my wife is making it out to be. I truly believe my wife is in a full blown defense mode, she's projecting, denying, and validating herself in her own mind in every way possible that she can. My wife very rarely admits when she's in the wrong, and I think she is completely panicked about looking bad to friends / family, especially since she has always been one to preach faithfulness, honesty, and commitment to marriage forever, no matter what. It's like I'm dealing with an entire different person all together right now.

But, the bottom line is this. This all happened 6 weeks ago, she's shown not a shred of remorse, only some initial guilt the few days after this happened which then turned into extreme anger toward me and has continued for nearly 6 weeks now.

The icing on the cake, we have been building a new home over the last 4 months. I had to go to the closing with her last Friday and sign papers so she could move in there with while we "work things out". She's told me that her other male co-worker (not the OM, but the friend / co-worker she's been staying with temporarily) is going to move into our new home in Dec for a few months to help pay the rent. I will say, I know this guy well, he's a good dude, I'm not at all threatened by him, I go golfing with him and hang out fairly often. His lease just happens to be up this month and my wife can't afford the new place on her own right now (I'm certainly not paying for her to live in OUR brand new home with another guy).

Lastly, I asked my wife about two weeks ago if she has been continuing to hang out with her work "friend", her reply was "We have hung out in a social setting, yes."

So, she's trying to play this off like he's just a friend, she's trying to make this all about how awful I've been to her. She's isolated herself from all our friends, she's booked a trip "by herself" over Thanksgiving weekend because she "needs her space and alone time" and she been extremely angry with me anytime I bring anything up that might put her in a bad light in any way, shape, or form.

I know what's going on here, I'm not an idiot...I know she has crossed the line with this guy, whether it's emotionally or physically. I know she's continuing to hang out with him, she's disrespecting me and her only concern right now is not looking bad in front of others. I'm just wondering if anyone has had a similar situation with their spouse, and how they handled it. Right now, I can say that I'm not certain at all that I want to make this work. Not only because of the things she lied to me about with her "friend", but because of how poorly she is handling all of this and how far out of her way she is going to not look like the bad guy here. Adn for what it's worth too, this creep she's been hanging out with is registered on AshleyMadison 's website...I'm sure he's a real genuine guy (he's single too btw).

All that being said, I have turned a corner over the last few weeks and I've felt really good about myself given the situation. I've been going to church, continuing weekly counseling on my own, reading books, praying, volunteering, etc. Any conversations I have with her are very matter of fact for the time being. No emotions involved, no anger, no insecurities, just keeping myself together. As soon as I started doing the 180 on her, she's backed off the anger a little bit, and has started asking me questions like "I'm not sure where your heads at right now, do you plan on telling other people that I've moved in the house and you're not for the time being". I think she's starting to question what I'm up to, who I have told what to etc.

Any advice or insight is much appreciated, thanks y'all.

Scubachick posted 11/15/2015 18:01 PM

Do you want her back? You seem very strong and you are doing really well without her. She's so disrespectful to you....moving any man into your new home is just unforgivable in my mind. Especially right after what she did. You are right..all she really seems to care about is if she looks like the bad guy. But ironically every choice she continues to make just confirms over and over that she is, in fact the bad guy. Why does she get the house? I'd list it for sale. I don't see any signs of guilt or remourse from her at all. Keep doing the 180 and don't let her know where your head is at. It bothers her a lot because she can't manipulate and blame you for her actions if she doesn't know how you feel etc. what is her plan? Did you ever confront the OM?

Midwestdad posted 11/16/2015 05:49 AM

Headup,
I'm sorry you are here. I can certainly sympathize with your story. My Ww also made our 20 year marriage into something horrible and awful, which it was not. I guess that's just something they do to try to justify the affair. I have taken a very similar path as you in praying, going to church, reading, and counseling. It has really helped, but the roller coaster still continues.

The best of luck to you on your journey and I will certainly add you to my payers.

May1 posted 11/20/2015 08:03 AM

Pris17, I am 2 months post DDay. My husband was posting ads in craigslist for encounters with TS's and CD's. I have no advice for you, except to pray for strength to heal appropriately.

May1 posted 11/20/2015 08:21 AM

[This message edited by May1 at 9:21 PM, November 20th (Friday)]

IamMom posted 12/5/2015 20:15 PM

My husband has had at least one EA. I thought for sure it was PA also. He just passed a voice stress detector test though. But he has definitely been hiding things. My guess is that it is the depth of feelings he had / has for this woman.

savage39 posted 12/7/2015 19:17 PM

Hi, new here. Married 30 years...husband is on his 3d EA. The first was so long ago I barely remember the details, but I do remember the secrecy. The second was just a couple of years ago. He was a driving instructor and she was a student. I don't believe it was a PA after the emails I read. After I found out and we went through the screaming and marriage counseling, I thought we were working toward a better marriage. That was January 2014. In August, I discovered another email from her that he conveniently forgot to delete. It would take me too long to describe all that happened with that...suffice it to say I thought, again, he was done.

Now, the capper. He "reconnected" with his first cousin, 4 years his senior and single, in June this year. I encouraged the connection--he really wanted family info, and she had a lot of it. HIS COUSIN. UGH. He used to tell me when he got an email from her, how she was doing, etc. Then when I would ask him, last month, I got "fine" as an answer. Then I got "she's nuts" from him. So while he was at work, I got to see that his emails from her were actually in a folder, and OMG, did I get an eyeful. I couldn't see all his responses to her, but I saw sexual, pornographic messages from her (mind you, she's 2000 miles away). She demanded to know if he was in love with her. She also stated that she didn't want to hear about me anymore "after sharing the 1000 messages we did and you telling me what was NOT happening in the bedroom." I also saw an email from him that said, "You're right, I can share things with you that I can't with my wife." I can't even believe I'm writing this now.

So, this was a month ago. I decided to copy all her emails onto my hard drive. Good thing I did because he deleted them from his email. Oh but wait--first he made them into PDFs and filed them elsewhere. I did him a favor and deleted those for him (well, I saved them in the cloud on a secure server), then wrote him a 60-page note describing my pain and my hurt. I haven't given this to him. As of today, he still does not know I have these. He thinks he deleted things and it will all go away. I have told him three times in the past three weeks that we needed to talk. He agreed but has been ignoring the conversation. I blocked her from his email, which he doesn't know. I also sent her an email and a text about what a vile despicable person she is, HIS COUSIN. She does not appear to have made any further contact and I am checking his email and the phone.

We are so busy with the holidays and our new grandbaby, I just don't know what to do. I can't sleep, can't eat, can't do anything, and he walks around like nothing's wrong. Any advice on where to go from here? We saw a MC last time this happened, which obviously was a joke. I love him. I am surprised by that. I don't want to throw our lives away but I can't live like this anymore.

superchump posted 12/17/2015 12:06 PM

Savage, I hope you read this, it's been a few days... I am so sorry you are on this roller coaster. My H had an EA although not as intense (or I am not sure because I never had emails/text data like you do)...it really just sucks.

A cousin? That's just gross!!!! I am so sorry.

I know you love him, but some serious ramifications and consequences are in order here.

Decide what YOU need from him. 180 him and smack him with serious consequences. Define your boundaries and stick to them like glue.

I would think at a minimum:

1. NC immediately with cousin as well as a truthful accounting of the relationship
2. 100% transparency on phones, ipads, social media, etc.
3. Intense personal and marriage counseling
4. Access to all financials

If he can't do these things, if he can commit to the marriage, I'd file for divorce. Honestly, nothing snapped my H into shape faster than my filing, following through on it, negotiating the whole thing, then SIGNING those papers. I don't thing he thought I would do it, but I did. All I can tell you is boundaries boundaries boundaries. If he thinks he can get away with this without consequences, that's the path he will choose!

Jaybeecee posted 12/19/2015 17:08 PM

WH has been having a mostly EA for the past 8 weeks. How bad is he at lying? I have caught him 6 times!!
We have been married 17 years and together 21. 2 DS's 12 and 10.
D-day #1 10/16/15-find out he lied about who he went to lunch with and saw texts between them. Confront him and tell him
Behavior is inappropriate but do not insists on NC. Our sons play sports together and I knew that was impossible
D-day #2 11/1/15 find text from ow saying I love you. Insist on nc and mc
D-day #3 11/25/15 after R during our previously planned anniversary trip to smokey mountains, things seemed good. However texting and email removed from iPad and phone is shut off frequently. Discover on cell phone log-436 texts
In the past 5 days. Later discover 250 texts during anniversary trip. Plus many more phone calls. As this is day before thanksgiving, i tell him I am leaving Sunday after thanksgiving (won't go into reasons why I left instead of him, but it was best for kids). He offered full transparency on the phone log (it's in his name)
D-Day #4- 11/28/15 biggest one yet. They switched from text to email. Tons of emails in 2 days. I email OW from his account and ask her to stop. She claims they are friends. I find out that night that they were planning to go to smokey mountains together later that week, it was also a PA, and a few days later I learn he took her to the city where we met, got engaged and married. Lots of travel in a short amount of time considering he and I barely manage 1 trip a year. I screenshot emails with I love you, I want to spend forever with you, etc. also tells me he is not in love with me. I move out the next day.
D-day #5-12/1/15small one. Supposedly they broke up Sunday, yet by Wednesday there are 9 phone calls between them. I emailed OW and told her if she ever contacted him again, I would let her husband now.
D-day #6-12/14/15 I moved out for 2 weeks. He confessed to his parents, priest and a few close friends what he had done. The day I moved back in, I knew it still wasn't over. iPad disappearing, lies that don't make sense. Finally found out that he had downloaded An app to text her. I knew of it from the screen shots of emails.
I text her husband and he and I had a 3 hour long talk the next day to unravel the truth. Turns out he knew about lunches and smokey mountains because he was friends with WS and thought nothing of it.
You would have to know WS to know that no one would have seen this coming. He is a buttoned down conservative school board kids coach kind of guy. Not the kind of guy who has sex in broad daylight in a public park in the city he lives in (!)
I sent him packing. He is in IC. not sure what I am going to do. He has destroyed me repeatly and I don't know if our marriage can survive this. No need to decide anything right now. For him, he has never waivered from saying he wants to be with
Me.

[This message edited by Jaybeecee at 5:11 PM, December 19th (Saturday)]

IamMom posted 12/20/2015 20:15 PM

Jaybeecee - I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. (((HUGS)))

Hekeepsdoingit posted 12/29/2015 15:00 PM

Has anyone on here had their WS only have sexual EA's? And are trying to R? I need someone to relate to. My H has spent the better part of 10 years perusing sexual encounters with other women. We have a great sex life. His reasons are crap. I week until the polygraph, if I find he has had more then one sexual encounter within our 16 year relationship I am on the road to D. Need some positive storys.... please

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