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Emotional Affairs

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Lionshare posted 12/19/2014 11:31 AM

Bugged, you cannot and should not live like that. I have some advice, and it's very direct.
It's time for him to choose.
He's having a blatant emotional affair with this woman, maybe physical too. All ties with this woman need to be cut.
He can have a marriage with you or this close relationship with her. Not both. His choice, not yours.
Your choice is whether you can forgive him or not. Whether you are willing to reconcile.
You are his wife. He made a vow to you. It's time to hold him to it.
Make your boundaries and expectations clear. No contact, full transparency, MC, etc. And be prepared to walk if he won't meet them. I recommend seeing a lawyer (for yourself without telling him) and maybe even file for divorce. Sometimes that's the only way to get their attention, as waywards are in a fog of addiction. Remember you can file and still reconcile. It puts you in a position of power, and it shows you mean business.
You are being disrespected and betrayed. It's breaking you down a little each day. Decide not to put up with it anymore.
Good luck and all the best.

Trivial posted 12/19/2014 16:34 PM

Bugged,
If PA hasn't happened already, it is going to happen. They are treating you like you are a joke. He is hurting you horribly. His behavior is not acceptable. Don't wait around for him to call the shots and decide who he likes best. Don't expect him to protect you, or even consider your feelings.

istherelight posted 12/22/2014 11:56 AM

Bugged, beware of EA leading to PA. My WH has been having EA with OW (married) who lives States away since July. He told me multiple times that he is unwilling to cut the ties. So I cut my ties with him. Sounds like your WH is having an awesome "relationship" with this OW so be prepared for it to turn into a PA. My WH visits OW occasionally (at his expense, of course) and apparently the lovey dovey crap they say to each other is enough to keep him attracted to her.

Don't let him disrespect you like this. You deserve better. He is in a deep EA fog right now and there is no guarantee that he will wake up.

Good luck.

Charlie69 posted 12/28/2014 14:13 PM

About 4 months ago l became suspicious of my husband of almost 28 years. Comments made on his Facebook status by an ex-girlfriend had me concerned. I went onto his Facebook profile and checked out his messages. There were 2 girls that he was messaging that I was not comfortable with. One was living in Europe and the other who was his ex-girlfriend lived less than 30 km away. I confronted him about it and he said I was overreacting. They were merely friends. I then went on to his Google account and looked through his search history. I discovered that the day before Valentines Day he was looking up florists, and I know I never got any flowers. I never even got a kiss or a happy valentines day wish! I confronted him about it and he said his work wanted him to look up a florist to send flowers to a customer. Wanting to, but NOT believing his explanations I continued to search his phone for clues. He eventually confessed that he had wanted to send flowers to one of his customers whom he considered a friend, but didn't... He then further confessed that he had been seeing his ex-girlfriend behind my back. He claims it was only to catch-up over coffee. He says they had met up after work about 5 times over a 2 month period. He had deleted the messages between them before I got a chance to see them.
I was devastated!!! Totally crushed!!! He says he is sorry. He says it was stupid! He says it won't happen again!
His response to my "but why?" was that since we adopted a child 5 years ago he had felt neglected and was looking for attention elsewhere!

I still love him and I want to forgive him and move on but I do still worry about what was said in those messages. I still wonder if he has confessed everything! He seems genuinely remorseful and is treating me differently as a result of it but I am really struggling to trust him again!
How can I know for sure that he has told me everything and that he won't hurt me like this again???
And just how long can I expect this emotional roller coaster ride to last???

Lalagirl posted 12/30/2014 15:17 PM

Bugged,

My god, it sounds just like my FWH's xOW#2! It's almost friggin uncanny right down to the OW being better friends with H than me and him fixing shit for her b/c she was single w/kids.

You can read my profile - it's long, you may want to skip over OW #1 as that has no relevance to your sitch, but in a nutshell, we were all friends, they got too close, I made him choose, he would not give her up, I enacted 180 for me, then got the strength to leave him, he THEN went NC, IC/MC, etc., etc., and we have reconciled. But she did not give up easily, and she lives close so I get the pleasure of seeing her every now and again. That was almost 7 years ago...

Many hugs to you - I understand your pain all too well. An EA and a double betrayal.

It's time to act though - trust me, it will not go away on its own nor will your WH "get it" - he's probably not capable. He has a KISA complex (Knight in Shining Armour) - has to "rescue" the "damsels in distress"...

SadPhan posted 1/7/2015 18:56 PM

Unfortunately I am joining the sad EA club. My husband started trolling women on Craigslist in June (to my knowledge) and had at least 4 differnt "girlfriends" that he would send explicit texts and sexts with pretty much around the clock- in the morning when he was home alone, at work, during every break, at night after he got home and we were asleep. He works 2-10 and I work 8-5 so he had every morning free when the kids were at school.
He swears it didn't go further, but honestly he has lied so easily for so long I have a really hard time believing him. Especially with 2 - the first one went on for months and the second one only ended because my 11 year old son found naked pictures of him on his computer and showed them to me and I confronted him. He then had to text her to tell her it was over before he could face me (I downloader our cell phone records). No contact that i can tell since, but I don't believe he won't do it again.
I asked him to leave so I could get some space and perspective, I am seeing a IC and a lawyer to at least know my rights.
Honestly don't know if I can forgive, 17 years married, 2 kids and this is the level of respect he shows our family and our vows? Worst is he is trying to blame everyone but himself - it's my fault, I drifted too far away, it's our son's fault- he is autistic and dealing with him caused too much strain on us. It's the job, it's his family history and lack of communication skills. Everything but I made a choice to cheat and throw away my marriage and family. Now he is actually dealing with his consequences- having to stay at a motel, find an apartment and his children devastated.

amanda123 posted 1/9/2015 02:54 AM


Well Jan 5 was two years since dday. Unfortunately she is still trying to rock the boat for us. He says he has had NC with her, but his body language (when I asked him recently just before dday) said differently, because he is always so non reactive and very calm I read up on body language he rubbed his face and around his nose when I asked had he had any contact from her, epic fail. I think she probably has emailed him as he was her BEST FRIEND and he will always be that according to her. I really have no proof of this as per usual I am continually on the look out obviously I cant trust him yet. I dont know how long I will continue to do this but if I do hear anything more from her I will be telling her to put her money where her mouth is, I want evidence and if she doesnt come up with anything I will know that she is just trying to cause us problems.
My H told me that he never bad mouthed me, however OW recently said to me that you will never know what he said to me about you, that made me do what I did. There is no way on this earth that he could find anything to bad mouth me about unless it was me being too damned good. He may have however told her how he felt in our M. She obviously is deliberately taunting me and playing mind games, which I hadnt realised he was into as well. It annoys the crap out of me that she has always said she knows him better than I do. I resent him so much at times when I think about the hours that he spent on the phone with her and on skype and facebook and msn and probably a few more things that I didnt know about. He could barely say a couple of minutes worth of conversation with me, poor sausage must have been all talked out with her. It annoys the crap out of me that she knew about our life and what was happening. It was nearly always a giveaway when he had been speaking to her or was about to, as he his voice was so uplifted and he was on such a high it was so easy to tell. Do AP give up eventually or do they still try and get back what they think is theirs.?

brokenh3art posted 1/9/2015 11:30 AM

There are times where I think that an emotional affair doesn't match up to a PA and that I'm making a big deal out of it for nothing. I need to get it out of my head.

The scars, hurt and anger that I feel is just too much at times. My story goes like this..

We were having problems starting late last year. Things became distant. I noticed he was leaving for a few hours at a time at random days. It really made me question what he was doing, but not to a point where I would have ever thought this. I just blew it off. After some talks about losing our spark and not being intimate, I finally decide to initiate things one night. I gave him myself. That was the hardest thing for me to do because it took me out of my comfort zone. We made love, it was great. It was passionate. The next morning I wake up and heís not there didnít think anything of it until I noticed he left his social media account up and open which was a conversation between the two. He went to see herÖthe morning after I gave myself to him.

I let the day go by without saying anything because I thought, maybe itís someone heís meeting up with for whatever reason. Later that night, he went out again and saw the conversation they were having and it literally made my heart break. I could literally feel it breaking and it confirmed my worst nightmare.

Since then, things have been very rocky. Arguing, fighting and the tension. I canít handle most times and just want to snap. The OW works at the same place as he does, is friends with WH sister and is friends with mutual friends of mine. They all have no clue. The OW is single, has 3 kids by 3 different men. Once my WH told her that I knew, I was told how bad she feltÖ.

Thinking of her and him sharing OUR marriage problems just takes me to a place that I feel like I canít come back from no matter how hard I try. The next morning him running to her after being intimiate is the ultimate heart break. I relive their conversations in my head. He would tell her how beautiful she was, etc. It was so hard to read.

He feels remorse, heís shown and says that and says he wants to make things work, but not once has he shown any initiative. Itís been all me. Iíve been the one to start changing my ways because honestly, a part me feels like Iím the one that made him seek out the OW because of my issues I was having (Health and mental issues). I now no longer feel that way and Iím working on me for me. Because no matter what happens in the long run, I need to be strong and Iím preparing myself for that.

I donít know what the future holds, he doesnít want MC or IC. I do want to make things work, but the mental and emotional scars right now out weigh that option.

And for some strange reason, I believe him when he says no PA happened, but he did think about it.

[This message edited by brokenh3art at 11:52 AM, January 9th (Friday)]

shakentocore posted 1/10/2015 16:01 PM

I'm a member of the EA club. I broke it up before it became a PA. WH insists they never would have met for a PA, but I will never know. That is what bothers me the most. I sometimes look back and think I should have kept my mouth shut and seen what happened.

Edit: Please. He would have made it a PA. Who am I kidding? He would have gone "just to see his old friend," "just to talk" and would have ended up in bed with her.

I have confided in three people. Two of them have told me "you can work through this," "It seems to me that he was just bored and wanted to do something with his time." In some ways that makes me hopeful, but in other ways it is hurtful. I hurt. WH was sexting her, telling OW he woke up wanting her. I have not heard those things in a long time.

[This message edited by shakentocore at 5:47 AM, January 12th (Monday)]

brokenh3art posted 1/13/2015 11:00 AM

I took broke the Pa before it got started. My WH already told me he thought about it and it was just a matter of time before it happened.

They say things happen for a reason...then what the reason is there for us to be put this anguish and pain?

Lovedyoumore posted 1/13/2015 12:44 PM

Tomorrow is the 4th anniversary of the day(so he says) that my H's six month EA turned into a 3 month PA.

I had found out about the EA six weeks earlier and he supposedly shut it down. I trusted him so I let it go and forgave him. Big mistake. Three days after he told her he could not continue his friendship, she came to his office and turned on the waterworks. He told her he would consider their options. Two days later at an evening work event he told her they could continue, under the radar, as long as I never found out.

Six weeks later they had 3 nights of phone sex. Then, she called his office one afternoon, said she was naked in bed and her door was unlocked. My trusted H got up from his desk, drove 20 minutes, went inside and found his soul mate waiting.

I was blessed with a cheating H who had a very emotional connection to a highly charged sexual relation. Depending on the day, I do not know which is worse. Her ears hearing about our personal lives, some truth and some lies, from his mouth. Or, his mouth on her body. Both hurts like hell.

His EA was the thing that drove him. He loved hearing how good looking he was, how smart he was, how accomplished he was. He also loved hearing how unappreciated he was, how much better he was and how he deserved more. He enjoyed hearing somebody tell him he deserved more happiness and more freedoms. Then, after the sex started he loved hearing how good he was in bed, how great his stamina was, how even at his age he was the best she had ever had. He craved her attention, her adoration, and her approval. He spilled his guts to her and she used every bit of it to her advantage.

Now the kicker. She is a minister. Yep. Every shred of info he told her about his life when she first got him to open up to her was filed away to be used. She never officially counseled him in a professional way, but she used a combo of counseling techniques and Cosmo to get him going. His poor boundaries had him in love with her caring ways in no time. After all, she had his best interest at heart, right? He loved the attention and by the last few months they were texting over 4000 texts a months and talking hundreds of minutes a day. I have no idea how he did his job and looking back, he was unavailable to me.

He knew he had to cut her off completely after what happened on the first DDay. As far as I know, after the second DDay, he did not contact her after NC. The OW on the other hand spent months trying to get him back by sending emails, leaving notes under his office door, and leaving gifts for him. I believe his explanation of going back to the EA after DDay 1 because of how the OW acted after DDay 2. I just wish both of us had been wiser on DDay 1.

This has been long and painful after 4 years. If you are still reading, thanks.

shakentocore posted 2/2/2015 11:30 AM

For my fellow EA members -

what questions did you heed amswered? I read about people having hours worth of questions, and I have only had a few. Mostly info about what I alrewdy discovered on his tablet "why did you send this photo to OW?" What did you mean when you texted XYZ?"

I am the type that needs to process everything, but I feel I am not seeking answers.

Has knowing anything been helpful? WH is in IC, but not long enough to dig deep.

Ann2011 posted 2/4/2015 15:31 PM

WH had three very different EA's and my questions were different regarding each of them. #2 was a text/sexting that went on for several months last spring. I realized early on I did NOT want to know the content of the messages. My imagination is enough based on what very little I read. I DID want to know what he thought of me while doing it. Was he afraid of getting caught? (He claimed to be relieved when he was.) Did he think of it as "cheating"? How would he feel if he had caught me doing the same thing? What did he get out of the communication? (ego kibbles mostly). The one that slays me is "On what planet did you think what you were doing was okay?" He compartmentalized a lot. With #1 (the longest of the three spanning years) he didn't see what he was doing as infidelity and I did get real specific with my questions, mostly related to specific texts I read and specific times he called her (like when we were on our vacation!) And they often ended their text with TIA or TLA (I don't remember which). He maintains he doesn't remember what it means. I maintain he is lying.

shakentocore posted 2/4/2015 17:48 PM

Thank you Ann.

TLA usually = True Love Always

PugMum posted 2/12/2015 08:51 AM

Not sure if I'm posting this in the right place. But here goes.....

I'll try to make this brief. Married 30+ years. About 7 years ago found my husband searching the web for nude photos of one of his co-workers. I blew a gasket, starting drinking heavily and threatened him with divorce. I might add I was going through chemo treatments at the time of my discovery. I went to therapy. He refused. Claims there's never been a physical affair, but kept in contact with her when they both changed jobs. Even though I asked him not to. Idiot that he is, I found constant proof that they were still in touch. After discovering he had signed up for a senior dating site claiming he was legally separated, I gave him an ultimatum. He was truly contrite. Things were better for awhile. He's at it again. I can't tell him how I know because I don't want to give away my snooping secrets. We essentially live like roommates and the stress is killing me. We have lots going on right now: daughter getting married this summer, aging parents in declining health. Sandwich Generation stuff. I can't believe that this man who I greatly admired for his wonderful moral compass has turned out to such an ass. I realize it's time for me to go to a marriage counselor, even if it's by myself. I have the $$ in the marriage, so I know I could manage on my own, but it scares the crap out of me. Not really looking for answers. Just needed to vent.Sorry, I guess this wasn't so brief after all. Thanks, all.

Lionshare posted 2/17/2015 23:58 PM

Another "need to vent" here.
It's been almost a year and still don't feel like I have a real confession. Have heard her say it was wrong, it was excessive, she's sorry, and never meant to hurt me.
She's the first to admit to poor communication skills. But her actions do show evidence of remorse and desire to rebuild trust. NC and transparency are apparently consistent.
Still, I want to hear those words, to hear her admit to betrayal, to admit to an EA.
You see, she claims there was never any romance in what they shared. And I believe her to a certain extent. Deep down she still believes the OM was a friendship with poor boundaries that got out of control. My interpretation is "it wasn't cheating because we weren't sexting or talking sexual."
Yet, I think hundreds of late night and weekend texts and phone calls constitute an affair, regardless of what you're talking about. Especially when it was a total secret from me. Some days they talked for 3 hours and texted from 9 to midnight!
Am I too hung up on what she won't say, or is she still in some kind of fog?

shakentocore posted 2/18/2015 05:59 AM

Lion - have you and your WW read "not just friends"? There is a quiz inside (maybe it is a checklist) that shows how an EA is distinguished from a healthy friendship.

If she was devoting 3 hours a day into a relationship that was not her marriage to you, that is an EA! If she was emotionally invested to talk with someone for three hours, that was an EA?

Are you sure there was no sexting or flirting? What would be the point? My WH tried to tell me that he "was just catching up" with his HS girlfriend. Even if I hadn't seen the racy texts, I would not have believed him. No one needs 12 hours (the 1st months phone bill) to "catch up." You might try a text retriever like DrFone to recover some of the lost texts.

opal posted 2/18/2015 11:58 AM

My WH EA was with a COW too. She had just started with the company and he was to "train" her. I was very naive, after 33+ year together, it never even crossed my mind. At first he would show me all the texts she sent. Then in July I read one of the texts and told him to stop- that none of their text were appropriate anymore. He said they were just very good friends and it was nothing. I fought with him for a couple of weeks regarding the texts. Whenever i snooped and read the text it was never anything sexual but still too personal for my liking. Late in August I told him this had to stop, he said he would gradually stop and they would not be working together so there would be no more need for contact. Last message i seen in november was her sending a picture of her and her boobs from Vegas. He explained he did not ask for the pic and didnt know why she sent it. I was slowly recovering from this EA and then in december found out by accident it was a PA. We are trying to R but I have no trust left. He lied so many times.

Ann2011 posted 2/19/2015 14:14 PM

You see, she claims there was never any romance in what they shared. And I believe her to a certain extent. Deep down she still believes the OM was a friendship with poor boundaries that got out of control. My interpretation is "it wasn't cheating because we weren't sexting or talking sexual."
Yet, I think hundreds of late night and weekend texts and phone calls constitute an affair, regardless of what you're talking about. Especially when it was a total secret from me. Some days they talked for 3 hours and texted from 9 to midnight!

Lionshare, you are singing my song!

crushedinpa posted 2/22/2015 21:20 PM

I too am the victim of my WH EA. It only went on about a month. I know he kissed her twice, and they talked a lot on the phone every day. But the part I don't get is he told me he told her he loved her! My sister in law swears they had to have sex bc he said he loved her. He says no they never did. I don't trust him. I've poured over the bank statements, credit card statements and haven't seen anything. I hate that he'd turned me into a paranoid anxiety ridden person. We are currently in counseling trying to R. He has said he is sorry and sorry he hurt me, but that's it. Not truly remorseful IMO. I guess WS have differ t ways of remorse? I would be begging for forgiveness. Any insight?

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