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Reconciliation
User Topic: The price you pay for the live you live
918Mama
Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, July 17th (Thursday)

FWH and I just got back from a family vacation that was really great!! We had therapy yesterday and I've been swirling ever since.

There were some triggers that came up in discussing the vacation that tipped our MC off that there was some serious shit that needed to be unpacked. The two hour (!!!) session started with her pinning H down on a few things and ended with her nailing my ass to the wall.

To give the very short version, these are my issues: I hate his job, I hate the life his job tethers me to, I hate that he hasn't had any significant consequences or losses. He still has his job, his standing in the community, his family and me.

I have paid dearly for his transgressions as have my family. His life is markedly better, post-a's.

Our MC said that his job has nothing to do with the decisions he made...he would have made them whatever job he's in. Of course, I vehemently disagreed. She acknowledged that it's all shit and unfair but that...

"This is the price you pay for the life you live."

I spent all night crying over that. Because ultimately, she's right. I have a good life. I have happy, healthy children. I have a remorseful spouse willing to do whatever I need. Our kids see healthy interactions between us, we are loving towards each other. We are a good team and we work hard at co-parenting our kids.

If I ended the marriage, it would be for the past not the present. It would be so confusing for my kids because we have a happy home. We would basically be living two separate lives for the reason that I just can't get over what was done to me.

So that's it. That's the end of my road apparently. I give up the happy healthy home to try and heal my heart, and see my kids 50% of the time...or I keep my kids and home and family intact and just die a little bit more inside everyday of a very broken heart.

There are no answers, no fairness, no justice. He did what he did, and either way I'm the one who pays. It's the price I pay for the life I live.

It fucking sucks.


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 600 | Registered: Dec 2012
morethantrying
Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, July 18th (Friday)

Oh, I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. I think I will never be "over" it 100%. It really is a scare on my heart. But yes, it is a choice. I too have decided that being with rather than without is my choice ...I guess if I make this choice I DO have to live with it, but I can also make the CHOICE to live it as happy as I can. Nothing left to do but do little by little accept and go on. Yeah, it sucks sometimes. It really does. Never to be able to love the way we did before...but I know I can love better, I have to be true to who I AM, and that means that eventually, I go on and just love.

I am 17 months out and it is still a heart break. But he is a good person, and I know I can be happy again. It is a scare, not a permanent break...there are other scares too and I am doing ok, this is just one more.

Keep posting, I will support you, and others, and we will ALL get through it somehow. hugs.


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 311 | Registered: Sep 2013
918Mama
Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, July 18th (Friday)

Thanks MoreThanTrying...I appreciate your optimism!!


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 600 | Registered: Dec 2012
brokengirl37
Member
Member # 42530
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, July 18th (Friday)

Very eloquently put morethantrying. Maybe it's a question of What do you want to do? You love him and he loves you. You have to make the choice to either let go and move on...or keep hurting the hurt. Hold your head up high and don't give a damn about what everyone else says and does or act. Be You!!


Me: 38
WH : 40
2 Boys Age 10, 13
D-Day Feb 16 2014
OW: My Co-worker

Posts: 71 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Canada
FixYou71
Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, July 18th (Friday)

Question to ponder...Do you think healing would come as a result of leaving? In other words, why do you feel that your choice is A. to stay in a currently good marriage and family, but where you're in pain from his betrayal, or B. leave this happy family and heal?

At a year and a half it is expected for you to still have hurt. It would be surprising if you didn't. It doesn't have to always be this way though. Time will take care of some of it and you can work to do your part. Is it fair that you have to go through this when it was not a consequence of any choice you made? No. It's soooooo not fair. The positive side of many traumas is that the people who go through them often end up living a much more intentional, authentication life. I hope this will be the case for you. I hope as time smooth the scars you find yourself living a fully connected, authentic life and looking back at this era as a tragic experience but one that helped shape the life you now live. It will always be a part of your story but does not have to always BE your story. Not the sum total of it anyway. I will be a good thick chapter but just one chapter.
(((918mama)))


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 471 | Registered: Mar 2014
stunnedmullet
Member
Member # 42975
Default  Posted: 4:01 AM, July 18th (Friday)

I am struggling with this choice too, stay and keep it happy for the kids and try to live with the man who destroyed me more than I can imagine but for some stupid reason I still love, or leave the one man I have ever loved and wreck my kids lives because it hurts too much.

Either way I lose. I fucking hate this


DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)

BS (me) 40
WH 38
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years

4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA

Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids

I always thought I was enough but obviously not!


Posts: 217 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
Flatlined123
Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, July 18th (Friday)

I am 5 years from the last dday. I still feel the same way. I feel like I got a life sentence. For a crime HE committed.

I feel the same way. I have a choice between life as the status quo, I have remorse for husband, but then there's the other life and I could just walk away from everything and feel like I've put it behind me.

I thought it was best to try to stay together for the kids, but I don't know if that was what was best for me. Or them really.

I see what his A did to our girls too. H is oblivious to that. He just thinks it's all good. He's not cheating anymore.

I find myself fantasizing about another life. About a life where I don't have to think about him, where the very person whom I love and have loved is my biggest reminder, my biggest trigger. A life where I have peace.

I love him, he loves me. I don't know if we're really happy with each other. It seems there are some bright spots, good times, but for the most part we're just going through the motions.


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 692 | Registered: Jun 2012
ItsaClimb
Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, July 18th (Friday)

I have a good life. I have happy, healthy children. I have a remorseful spouse willing to do whatever I need. Our kids see healthy interactions between us, we are loving towards each other. We are a good team and we work hard at co-parenting our kids.

If I ended the marriage, it would be for the past not the present. It would be so confusing for my kids because we have a happy home. We would basically be living two separate lives for the reason that I just can't get over what was done to me.

So that's it. That's the end of my road apparently. I give up the happy healthy home to try and heal my heart, and see my kids 50% of the time...or I keep my kids and home and family intact and just die a little bit more inside everyday of a very broken heart.

There are no answers, no fairness, no justice. He did what he did, and either way I'm the one who pays. It's the price I pay for the life I live.

It fucking sucks.

You have summed up how I am feeling and what I am struggling with in a nutshell! ^^^This EXACTLY!!

It drives me insane.

{{{918Mama}}}


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1024 | Registered: Oct 2012
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, July 18th (Friday)

918 - I'm so sorry. I could have written parts of your post. So could have my husband. And although we have children, they're grown.
I sit here on vacation with all of them under the same roof thinking I would be giving these kinds of things up too. Or he'd be doing this with another woman and my children.
And for what, something he did over two years ago?
I'm not being mistreated now. Are we deliriously happy? No. In fact when we get home, i'm going to ask him if he could take me or leave me, because it feels like that sometimes, even though we make plans for our future, make love, have great times together.
And it's 2.5 years later and I still woke up with a nightmare of me not knowing where he is or how he feels about me. The time he treated me the best is after I confessed. He was home every night at 5, so very attentive, worried that I would leave, etc. Now, he said it would hurt but never as badly as when he first found out. So, does that mean he isn't in 100%? not sure. sorry t/j...

I think what you are feeling is the real acceptance we all have to get to - that our lives were changed forever. We're not living the dream we wanted to, what we had mapped out for ourselves. My leaving him now would be because the affairs were dealbreakers, and that he can't have me because he did that. Well, that punishes me as well. I don't really want my life to change because of his dumbshittedness. But is that enough? Is it for you?

hugs honey!!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5491 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
ItsaClimb
Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, July 18th (Friday)

Strange, I went back to re-read your post after I had finished my reply... and what does my eye fall on? Your tagline:

Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1024 | Registered: Oct 2012
Neverwudaguessed
Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, July 18th (Friday)

Yup; I could have written that post myself. Sorry we are all struggling with this. The way that I stayed in the beginning was due to something that my IC said. She said, "You are hurting tremendously right now, and you are going to have to heal from this. It will be a process. You have to go through this process, and you can do it alone, or you can do it with the help of your husband."

She knew that i had a husband who had ended the affair and wanted more than anything to fix what he had done. He was in IC and MC with me, and so I stayed. We are doing far better than we ever had before the affair, and certainly better than the 7 weeks that he was in the affair, but mourning the loss of what I thought we had, thinking about what he has actually done can be paralyzing. Why do I go there? We have come so far. My husband has worked so hard to heal his brokenness and heal himself and to help to heal me. We are actually functioning so well together, and making a conscious effort to live a better life, focus on ourselves, work as a team, etc. So how do we reconcile in our minds the betrayal of the person we trusted most in the world to have our backs with the new life that we worked so hard for and deserve??? Strength to all going through this....

[This message edited by Neverwudaguessed at 8:01 AM, July 18th (Friday)]


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 731 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, July 18th (Friday)

(((918mama)))

After a good weekend I often regress into pain....sounds like you may have done the same thing after a good vacation. I believe it happens because we find the courage to lower the walls sometimes and it feels good. THEN an "oh crap" moment occurs because their is still pain buried deeper than we ever thought could be buried. Happens because our spouses hurt us deeper than we ever thought we could be hurt. Often times the pain of adultery rolls back and ties to pre-M pain....pain that we buried long ago and had either forgot about or denied we ever had. (oh the surprises within me!).

Couple thoughts....

I spent all night crying over that. Because ultimately, she's right. I have a good life. I have happy, healthy children. I have a remorseful spouse willing to do whatever I need. Our kids see healthy interactions between us, we are loving towards each other. We are a good team and we work hard at co-parenting our kids.


Careful on this line of thinking....could be a start of true healthy mature intimacy or a start of a "great roomate" relationship. Two very different creatures. One healthy to nurture and model for your kids, the other.....not.

The whole "staying for the kids"? I buy into that but there is a nuance here. It is far healthier to stay in a COMMITTED MARITAL RELATIONSHIP than to just stay married. KWIM? One has a hopeful attitude of "Okay, so we aren't where we want to be but we are BOTH committed to improving every day"....the other is a defeatest attitude of "it is what it is" (noticeably lacking in hope).

Your counselor is spot on with regards to "if not her at his work, it would be the clerk at the filling station or a girl at church". My wifes OM was not the cause of my wifes affair...her ability and desire to say "yes" to it was. Adultery, like all sin, is selfish in nature. Even though it takes two to make adultery happen....my wife was in it for what it gave her. The OM was in it for what it gave him. Sure, lots of lies to the contrary were woven to make it SEEM like something it wasnt...this had to take place in order for sin to be chosen. And this is what your therapist means by "this is the life you live with the choices you make". Don't JUST apply that to your choices....make sure you fully understand and accept your husbands life has grown in the same manner.

Plus side to this? We CAN change!!!! We have to choose differently. For me that meant going through the pain of breaking my CoD tendencies....it feels healthier to break free from them but also makes me feel very naked and exposed. Learning that painful does NOT mean "unhealthy" is relatively new to me. I spent a lifetime avoiding pain...and I am paying the price for MY choices regarding how I did this.

My wife choosing adultery was a product of a lifetime of coping as she has. Adultery is very much the fruit of many choices....not a singular one.

"Adultery is not a symptom of a broken marriage...a broken marriage is a symptom of a persons ability to choose adultery."--therapist.

2 years out here....pain is still very present but I am healing. Flatlined123...was disheartening to hear that 5 years out you still feel as 918mama feels. Peace be with you.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:03 AM, July 18th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, July 18th (Friday)

Okay, so we aren't where we want to be but we are BOTH committed to improving every day"..

with this, comes a pricetag of the acceptance you'll need to do to stay. It is almost too big for me. Yes, i'm getting healthier but so? He still did it. IT still happened. Can we be better? Maybe.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5491 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, July 18th (Friday)

Your MC is right, your H was the problem, not the job. The job just offered opportunity. You are going to have to decide if you can forgive him at this point.

It has taken me the better part of two years to figure out the answers to what you are struggling with right now. This stuff isn't easy.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5155 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, July 18th (Friday)

First of all - I think that your MC was out of line with what she said. She totally minimized your feelings rather then trying to work them through and get you to a better place of healing.


That said....

I hate that he hasn't had any significant consequences or losses.

Can you tell me how a public or life altering significant consequence or loss would have created a more healing environment to you?

"its not fair" is not a great argument because the mere fact SI exists is not fair. However, what you can choose to do after the fact could change your outcome.

Also, his loss is you. You are physically there, but he still has a LONG way to go to actually earn you back. A good job, a good home, and a good life is really not much when you can't share it fully with the person that you love.

His consequences are underneath and behind closed doors - and sometimes, those are more painful then the public ones.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.

Posts: 1815 | Registered: Sep 2012
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, July 18th (Friday)

All I can say is I remember feeling that way, for a good, long time. I don't any more. It probably took....4 years to get out of that. It lessened over that time, of course.

I was on the five year healing track, for sure.

It sounds to me like you have the fundamentals in place. And now, you wait. You keep working the process, you keep growing together, you keep layering good memories over the bad.

I liken it to creating a pearl. The center is just a grain of sand (the affair), but over time and with effort, you put layers and layers and layers of beautiful over it and it creates someting quietly lovely.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6643 | Registered: Jan 2011
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, July 18th (Friday)

Great post rebreather! The waiting can be excruciating for ppl. I suppose as long as they get to a place where they're good either way, that is the key...


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5491 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, July 18th (Friday)

Rebreather.....LOVE the pearl example. Helps me visualize my sitch better. Thanks!

Peace


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, July 18th (Friday)

The waiting can be excruciating for ppl

It fucking sucks.

I wish I could fast-forward many of you through years 3 and 4.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6643 | Registered: Jan 2011
Shero
Member
Member # 44041
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, July 18th (Friday)

Beautiful expression of a common quandary, 918Mama. Reminds me of the Talking Heads lyrics?, "How did I get here? This is not my beautiful house, this is not my beautiful wife (husband)." Many of us get on that marriage train young, giddy, and full of optimism; but without a clue :). Then we are slapped in the face by reality and have no idea how to get a "do-over". I went so far as to ask my husband to quit his job and when is enough money enough money? He looked at me like I was crazy and said, "It's never enough."

Hugs to you.


Posts: 78 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: California
Alex CR
Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, July 18th (Friday)

Almost five years out....and H's public and professional life haven't changed at all due to his five year LTA, in fact he is at the top of his career. Our marriage was blown up and my life, or what I thought was my life, was forever changed.

We CAN change!!!! We have to choose differently.

Blakesteele has it right though. I strongly believe we control our destiny through our own thoughts and actions. We are in the driver's seat and it's up to us how we view our lives --which road we go down. Whether people we love hurt us, the people we work with talk behind our backs or we're stuck in that traffic jam that makes us late, how we choose to respond can determine whether it will break us, make us stronger or be an opportunity to learn something new. We can scream and yell and beat our heads.....we can swear at the cars slowing us down, but in the end, it doesn't change anything.

We can, however, choose to have a plan....and repeat that prayer over and over asking for the serenity to accept things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference.

His consequences are underneath and behind closed doors - and sometimes, those are more painful then the public ones.

My H felt like a fake for a long time. When other people complimented him he would talk to me about the embarrassment, the shame he felt. I think, like Undefinabl3 said above, they are living with the knowledge inside that they've done something awful and potentially unforgivable. We choose or choose not to live with the fallout of their actions, but they have to live with themselves, day in and day out.

As for those traffic jams which used to really piss me off, I've learned to keep books on tape in the car now and consider the wait a chance to catch up on my reading.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1723 | Registered: Mar 2010
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, July 18th (Friday)

When they say this is hard they are right....2-5 years....I believe it! But that being said there are lots of good times to be had when both parties are on board....
my H was a miserable man during his A...he is no longer miserable...dday for him was a relief.....he was not strong enough to end it on his own...he would also be the first one to say he didn't get away with it...he's embarrassed and ashamed...and extremeley remorseful ....this helps me. I don't want to live in the past...
I have read veterans here write about how they have overcome triggery places and things....I feel this happening slowly but surely...
Stay the course...I totally understand how you feel....let's just not get stuck there! Life is for the living!


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 676 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, July 18th (Friday)

AlexCR, nice.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6643 | Registered: Jan 2011
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, July 18th (Friday)

To give the very short version, these are my issues: I hate his job, I hate the life his job tethers me to, I hate that he hasn't had any significant consequences or losses. He still has his job, his standing in the community, his family and me.

How restricted are you in life b/c of his job...what do you want to change and how can you change it? I do understand the kids come first but as a mom, you have a great responsibility to be happy and productive and be a role model for them and that means being the person you want to be. Taking control of what you can...you.

There is no way for him to experience the kind of pain you have...it is not fair, but nothing is like the blindsided shock of infidelity. But, he DID lose a lot...he may not know it yet, but he did.


Posts: 618 | Registered: Nov 2010
918Mama
Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, July 18th (Friday)

Oh my...

This is what I love about SI. Throwing my broken heart out there and having all of you compassionately pick it up and say "yeah...me too. Now let's keep moving forward."

I have such crazy mad love for strangers who I only know as screen names and stories. Thank you all for holding me up in my moment(s) of weakness.

I owe lots of responses but I have this J O B that's getting in the way of that today!! So until then, big hugs to all of you who are feeling the same way and sincere thanks to those of you who have shared your words of wisdom.

Rebreather, Rachel, TG, Blake...you four in particular continually sustain me with your words. And hope. And accountability.

Thank you.


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 600 | Registered: Dec 2012
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, July 18th (Friday)

Your welcome. You are one of the original brat pack members...joined SI about the same time, similar paths.

Sharing ones story often times helps another write theirs.

That is what support groups excel at.

Journaling helped me BUILD anxiety...not good. my analytical self would start to journal and then the words flowed into stories with lots of assumptions. Perhaps I could try again and NOT do that...but I learned early on that I must get outside of myself to get healthy. I did my own walling off since my childhood too. SI posting helps me do just that...I get out of myself, especially on those posts where I attempt to comfort others.

"The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice." Proverbs 12:15 NIV.

I soooo undervalued and underinvested in fellowshipping with my friends. My first DD brought that fact front and center!

Gentle reminder....watch your boundaries with opposite sex interactions. That "crazy mad love" thing can be a temptation to your own destructive choices. I am projecting here a lot because I think I wrestled with RA more than most BS....but felt like nudging you a bit on this too.

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:25 PM, July 18th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, July 18th (Friday)

It sure sucks. I could not agree more! The suckiest part is I did not get to live a fantasy life, escaping reality for two years but I'm now living with a broken heart. I now have the burden to accept H's A or divorce, which ultimately will severely damage my children.
I busted my butt as a stay home mom for 5 years (never my first choice but did for good of family). I went back to work as soon as kids entered school, bust my butt to bring in great $, hold the health insurance for family. I attend every school function. I provide healthy food for us all. I am attentive and all the kids are happy and thriving.
My H is a fabulous dad. I will never doubt that but he was a sucky H. Our M had no communication and was soley for kids. We had no family help.
As unhappy as we both were, I held true to my values and marriage vows. I did the right thing as a role model to my kids. He chose the opposite, taking time off work to screw my "friend". My sons' friends mom. Two years of secret meetings, texts calls. Many during her teaching time and his work time. While he owns his own business and has flexibility, I thought he was working an hour more each day since kids got selves off bus now. Nope. He met her in her classroom 15 mins after students left. He met her on her way in ( he went in hour late here and there). He met her Sat mornings (crack hourly motel) when I thought he was estimating a job or buying oil, etc
It was played out well by both, I must say.
I hosted parties where our children could play (and they could sit and chat). I made her dinners to go (I love to cook). I invited them for holiday dessert. ( we got to know each other's family)

They got the last laugh and I got stuck picking up the pieces. Covering their A so all the kids involved weren't hurt.

He sold her out on DD. Telling me everythg that could cause her to lose her job. She met w me- she didn't want him. She wants her H who has $. She's not "willing to give up her lifestyle for my H". Her H sucks, so she has affairs to make herself feel good---her words exactly.


I get the choice now. Do I accept a H who wants to R? Or do I call it off and have my kids wonder wth is wrong w me, as our M always seemed good in their eyes.

R is ok 8 months out. We are communicating and closer than ever. He is remorseful and doing everything to show me he wants this M. But.. What if I no longer want to be married to a dishonest man? It's on me. All on me. And lucky me. I not only suffered in a crappy marriage while he had his two yr A, I got a broken heart and this great distrusting feeling of society and now if I choose I can't be with this man, I'll get to watch my children crumble.

Yup, this is the life I live, thanks to two selfish human beings


Posts: 384 | Registered: Dec 2013
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, July 18th (Friday)

I think this is absolutely a year 2 thing. Because it's NOT FAIR! You have two shitty choices.

However, this feeling really does fade over time, with continued work by both of you. Now I'm like, "meh, that sucked." (90% of the time ) It's kinda in the rearview mirror, yknow? And getting smaller.

And he still WORKS with her! So there's hope.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8845 | Registered: Jan 2008
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, July 18th (Friday)

Such a great, thoughtful thread, that I am posting on vacation to reply!

Not much to add, other than to say that while I would never, ever have chosen this path, that we all have trials, and we all suffer. We don't get to pick the painless path. Pain, loss and fear of the unknown find us. I feel like my goal is to learn from what happens, and be the best person that I can.

So, 918, your post sounds to me like you should allow yourself the happy. We are all healing. And I think ya'll are the best.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
918Mama
Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, July 18th (Friday)

Okay...lots of questions, here are the answers...

What do I want to do? And do I think healing would come as a result of leaving?

I want to live a happy, healthy life. I do think I would heal if I left because it would be a chance to start over, likely with someone new in the future. However, I recognize that leaving introduces a whole new set of hurts that come from broken and blended families.

To FixYous point, I do find that I live a much more authentic life now so that is a major benefit. Could I continue that on my own? Absolutely.

(((StunnedMullet))) it really sucks.

Flatlined. You summed it up perfectly. I do feel like it's a life sentence and it's so suffocating sometimes.

(((Itsaclimb))) I'm sorry you feel the same way. :-( also, you totally nailed me on my tag line. I busted out laughing!! Oh irony!

Rachel - I relate to your posts so much. I feel like the life you have is what mine looks like in the future. You also raise an interesting point. I just think about getting my kids grown. But it's hard to think of leaving after that too, for the reasons you raise. Someone else getting to enjoy the time with them as adults that isn't me. And to punish ourselves further for something someone else did seems unfair too. Is it enough for me? Probably not.

Neverwuda...if we were in the same state, I'd swear we have the same therapist. All valid points.

Blake...your comment about good roommates vs committed marriage partners is what I worry about. I see us getting to that point. I honestly feel less married and more that we are just on the same team, playing toward the same goal. Sometimes it feels more like an arranged marriage than anything. I know it's more on my side than anything. My husband is very loving and passionate towards me. I just don't always reciprocate those feelings. Poor guy.

TG...I know you're right but it absolutely afforded him the opportunity and he's still there. I equate it to an alcoholic running the bar. There's just too much opportunity and he hasn't proven himself trustworthy to handle it.

Undefinabl3...my MC and I have been working through these same issues for two years. She extends a lot of compassion. She also sees me stuck and is trying to get me unstuck. The rest of your comments your spot on about. It's the fairness factor for me. I want him to hurt, I want him to bleed, I want him to pay. And you're right about his consequences. My husband has said he's merely in the landscape of the marriage because of the choices he's made. I know he does feel pain. Just not like I do.

Rebreather...you left me speechless. And encouraged. Thank you. I think I must be on the five year track as well. I love the imagery of the pearl. And your tag line...the cure for the pain is the pain. Indeed. I wish you could fast forward us too!

Shero...I've thought the same about that song. I certainly was completely unprepared for the realities of marriage. Oh, to go back and do it over with what I know now!!

Alex...you're exactly right. And they have to live with themselves.

Crossroads...he's a police officer tied to his job for a couple of reasons - he's older, so starting over would be hard. He's in a retirement system that wouldn't transfer to another dept/state so he would essentially have to start his 20 years over. And because of what he's done, he likely wouldn't get hired by another dept because it shows a serious lapse in judgement. So, I'm stuck. Until he retires. I can't take the kids because we would have shared custody. And SO many people in the dept know so I feel like I'm just labeled as "the wife that got cheated on by another cheating officer" and will be as long as he's in that dept. Plus that's where the OW are. Yay. :-( I have put myself first but there's only so much control I have over the direction of my life because we share children.

Blake...thanks for the reminder. I do need to always watch those boundaries!!

HMH...yes to all of what you wrote. There are no good options. It's so frustrating.

ITIC...can't wait to get to the "meh". :-)

Bionicgal...I think you summed it up beautifully. And I hope you are enjoying your vacation!!!



Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 600 | Registered: Dec 2012
918Mama
Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, July 18th (Friday)

I just realized there's a typo in my title. I hate how illiterate my iPhone makes me!!!


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 600 | Registered: Dec 2012
WabiSabi
Member
Member # 43489
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, July 19th (Saturday)

918Mama… "I have such crazy mad love for strangers who I only know as screen names and stories. Thank you all for holding me up in my moment(s) of weakness."

Yes! My IC helped me discover my Short Term Energy Relieving Behaviors (STERBS)… things that I compulsively do to mute emotional pain. Mine was isolation. Now I know what I'm doing when I do it and try hard to stop, but it's hard. Being isolated in my house and in my own head is not good for me. SI has helped me so much with this. The people you named and others have been my Emergency Room so many times and they don't even know it. I sit and cry sometimes and wish I could hug them and pour out my gratitude.

Meaning in Suffering… the people on SI (and creators of SI) helping each other are giving the gift of healing to so many others.

I'm sorry I t/j a bit. I just wanted to second what you said, 918Mama.


Posts: 116 | Registered: May 2014
918Mama
Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, July 19th (Saturday)

Wabi...that's really great insight from your IC!! Thanks for sharing :-)

And I'm glad SI has been so cathartic for you as well!!


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 600 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 33