Solid post...thank you for posting it missedredflags and thank you for your honest response somethingremorse.
Immediately after DDay, he claimed we "fought a lot" and I was "mad all the time". This never made sense to me-- that's not how I remembered the spring of 2010.
I don't recall the months leading up to my wifes affair fully either...but do remember heightened anxiety within me. I do remember a joint family vacation not "feeling right" with my wife. Your nickname is solid too missedredflags....boy did I miss some big ones!
Your husband, my wife, many waywards DO lie about the state of their M before and during the affair. The first lie told in adultery is the one the wayward tells themselves. They must do this to enable themselves to choose to have an affair.
IF the marriage was really that bad...why not do MC, why not file for D? Because the FACTS wouldn't support the choices a wayward wants to make. Waywards desperately want to support their selfish feelings. To do that their only choice is to treat feelings as "facts"...and then its off to the races. The fact is if they actually worked on their M...well, that would be work....they want to continue to play (all fantasy, no reality).
Lots of feelings driving affairs....hardly any facts.
Keep in mind the "love" your husband shared with another woman? Not love. Lust yes...but not love.
If someone truly loved someone in an affair....would they really help them destroy parts of themselves, many times destroy families they were a part of?
They didn't love each other any more than two crack heads love each other as they shot each other up.
Sadly, your husband choose NOT to love you by choosing to have an affair. The facts don't support the feelings.
Fact is his actions put your physical health at risk.
Fact is his actions but your emotional health at risk.
And thats just the start of the facts that must come into the light...that you both must accept to heal from this trauma.
Facts that will very clearly just how a wayward did NOT choose to love you.
As you journey this route I am confident you will find more flags missed. As you dig for why they were missed you will find facts within you that will be unpleasant to face. I for one have looked at facts that have been a part of me for 30 years for the FIRST TIME! Wow.....
....this is a shocking thing to do. But it is the only way to heal and grow.
Keep posting and keep reaching outside of yourself. This is too much trauma to hold within.
Feelings are always buried alive and require daily feeding. Get them out in the light and let them be known. Recognize and honor those feelings...but don't use them as dictators.
Feelings are merely flags waving....see what they are waving about.
I have spent a lifetime of avoiding doing just exactly what I am urging you to do.
For the past 1.5 years I have grown comfortable doing this....and it feels soooooo goood!!!!
Thanks for a thought provoking post. I hope I offered you some comfort.
God is with us all.