Topic: Staying in marriage for many years-serial adultery going on
Member # 43048
| Posted: 10:12 PM, April 10th (Thursday)|
I am looking for BHs who remained married to serial adulterer (WW-NPD?)for many years.
Those (like me)who were unable to see that adultery lying, drinking were occurring on a continuous basis.
I expected ADULTERY as I saw incidents but never was able to catch the WW in any adulterous acts. No did she ever admit anything to me when we had fights about her behavior.
Not sure I could have left early on even if I saw the real thing happening in front of my face
Even after friends TOLD me about incidents, I was unable to leave as I was the sole support for us.
Me her, 2 children.
Just looking for others who can 'connect with me' at some level of my situation.
[This message edited by swb32cox at 10:14 PM, April 10th (Thursday)]
Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: California
Member # 42985
| Posted: 8:29 AM, April 11th (Friday)|
Im in the same boat as you. I actually had a girl admit to me about my husband and her and that was in 2005. Now all I have done is hear about incidents with no confirmation on any all the time. Even had another just come up recently. He will never change but yet I stay. We have 2 children that keep us glued together. I guess I look as they are happy and thats all that matters to me.
Posts: 69 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 25560
| Posted: 9:41 AM, April 11th (Friday)|
We stay for many reasons. Mostly due to our own fears. It sounds like you stayed because you are an honorable man and felt you needs to live up to your responsibilities. In doing so, you got cheated out of a normal life, a relationship with your kids, and years of happiness.
My story isn't so different from yours. I didn't know about his serial cheating, but I should have.I certainly allowed myself to be verbally and emotionally abused. Sex addicts act out NOT because they like sex, but because they fear having a REAL intimate relationship. That's why they deprive us of sex. Some, like my husband, are bipolar, self medicate with porn, sex, whatever.
It's clear from your story that your ex was a sick woman. I hope you can get some help to heal from your pain. Maybe if you frame all of this in the idea that she was one sick duck, that can start you on the path. It's the on!y thing that helps me. It's not an excuse, but a partial reason for their asshole behavior.
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!
Posts: 3687 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Member # 43048
| Posted: 7:03 PM, April 13th (Sunday)|
Forgiving is hard. but necessary.
Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: California
Member # 41961
| Posted: 10:45 PM, April 13th (Sunday)|
I stayed for 20 years. For the sake of our four children.
Here's my take on it. He cheated. All the time. I confronted. All the time. I asked him to get help. Begged. He denied. The lack of trust, the demoralization, the bitterness, has eaten away at us. Frankly, i don't feel I was the best parent I could have been. We weren't the best example of a loving family we could have been. My children - oldest in a marriage because she deceived her now H into getting her pregnant. She is surviving, but not happy, she entertained the idea of cheating. Next child, son, 18, in a relationship with a girl that he allows to walk all over him, browbeat, and deemphasise him and his feelings (familiar??) next child, daughter 16, doesn't even want to date because she is afraid she will have to give up what she loves and wants to do for a boy (yeah. More familiar). Youngest, son 14 detached from everyone - family, friends, etc.
I can't help but think that staying may have hurt more than helped. We lead by example for our children. I feel in some part I have failed them. Even tho I stayed so they could be financially stable.
I don't know the right answer here. I don't know how things would be different of I hadn't stayed. I just know that we a sacrifice for our children. But we need to be sure those sacrifices benefit them - not harm.
I can say that in the two weeks he has been gone now - all three kids have been happier. They can see WH when they want. They live with me. DD16 said - "it's so much more peaceful and fun mom, even tho I miss dad." DS 14 and DS 18 have gotten closer. All three kids joke and play. Even tho we are missing half the furniture, losing the house and the car, we have each other. And we are happier.
BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for
Posts: 417 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Member # 34827
| Posted: 1:28 AM, April 14th (Monday)|
Everything scatednbroken said except as far as I.know just lta with one ow. DS is with the female version of his father,verbally abusive crazy ass bitch, youngest at 16 stays at friends house every weekend because her dad annoys her so much. One DD is still very close with dad but she's everything he wants in a kid and makes him look
good. With the exception of his favorite, the rest of us talk about how peaceful it will be when he's moved out. It's very dysfunctional and.I have loads of guilt over what my decision has cost in my kids lives. I'm lonely and slowly becoming the bitter neglected wife...
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Posts: 5167 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 41986
| Posted: 3:02 AM, April 14th (Monday)|
i understand and know what you mean.
from the best of my understanding and knowledge my wife was "good" for our relationship and marriage until about june-oct 2011 and then a switch flipped in her head and until about june 2013 she cheated on me with a multitude of people, in many different ways, gaslit me about the entire thing, lied constantly, deceived me, practically abandoned her family, and betrayed me in every way possible.
its like the switch that was flipped eliminated ALL of her commmon sense.
her LTA guy (not the only one she cheated on me with but the only LTA) whom she had multiple sexual activity with was asked to wear condoms but she never checked, doesnt know if he ever actually put one on, cant remember if he ever took one off ... and frankly has NO IDEA if he ever actually put one on.
somewhere around mid to late 2012 she went from a "social drinker" to getting plastered while out at clubs, carefully drinking a liter of hard liquor a week so as to maintain a buzz during the day while being sober coming home (when she did), and was even driving around drunk whereas in before and after this time period she would NEVER have done that.
she had sex with a guy that she wasnt attracted to, didnt like ... who SPIT in her face, insulted her while having sex, and she "hated" the entire experience ... and yet not long afterwards was considering going back for "more".
what can i say? i dont freaking understand it. it doesnt make sense. i dont know if it will ever makes sense.
me - bh
her - lara01
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys
Posts: 552 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 8873
| Posted: 9:23 AM, April 14th (Monday)|
Yes, clearly relating to the serial or multiple partners, including an active long term co-worker, I found out all at once and never had a clue until a few days before I got suspicious.
I am still here 10 yrs later.
I often wonder if I wouldn't have been better off leaving at the beginning.
"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Posts: 920 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
|Topic Posts: 8|| |